


and oh poor atlas, the worlds a beast of a burden

by halestrom



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, BAMF Rodney McKay, Independent Atlantis, John has a lot of feelings he just can't express most of them, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Team as Family, so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:41:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 108,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24730975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halestrom/pseuds/halestrom
Summary: John had never met someone he had wanted to sink his teeth into and keep, not the way he wanted to keep Rodney.
Relationships: Jennifer Keller/Rodney McKay, John Sheppard/OFC, Rodney McKay/John Sheppard
Comments: 31
Kudos: 262





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When i first had the idea for this story, I expected it to be like 20k, and then when I wrote an outline I thought 40-50k. It ended up taking on a life of its own, putting it at now the longest story i have ever written. I hope you all enjoy this as much as I've enjoyed writing this. 
> 
> This is, unbeta'd and any mistakes are mine and mine alone.

John stepped through the door leading to the pier, the chill of the night air in stark contrast to the moderated temperature inside Atlantis. He could see Rodney’s silhouette in the distance, a mar of darkness against the starry night sky. The knot of worry that had settled in his gut when Keller told him Rodney had left the infirmary relaxed. He wasn’t surprised to find Rodney here, not after a couple nights ago. Of all the dangers in this galaxy, almost losing his best friend to a parasite wasn’t something he had ever fathomed. 

He stayed in the doorway for a few moments, letting himself feel the relief for the second time in the past few hours. It had to have been Rodney’s worst nightmare, to not only lose his mind – something he considered to be his greatest asset – but to do it with a day by day awareness of his own increasing shortcomings. Rodney had always been proud of his intellect, and John couldn’t imagine what he had gone through. He had come close to losing the sky a few times, and he shuddered to think about it. 

Forcing himself to start walking, he made his way to the end of the pier, making sure he made noise so he didn’t startle him. He saw Rodney’s shoulders tense as he got closer, having heard his footsteps. Rodney turned his head, his shoulders relaxing and gaze returning to the ocean once he recognized it was John.

“You better have brought more beer Sheppard.”

John nodded and sat down, one leg folding so his knee pressed against Rodney's thigh, the other dangling over the edge. He needed the reassurance, the knowledge that Rodney was still there. Not sure how to start the conversation, he instead handed over one of the Molson’s he had bribed away from Chuck. Not that it had been hard, everyone was glad to see that Rodney would be fine, but John wasn’t about to boost Rodney’s ego. 

Taking the bottle from him, Rodney grunted in satisfaction when he noticed the label. 

“Courtesy of Chuck,” he said.

“O Canada, our home and native land,” Rodney intoned in response as he studied the label. 

John had noticed Rodney doing that since they had left the planet, reading everything he could. A way to reassure himself that his memories were back, his brain was working and everything was above the board. It wasn’t like John didn’t have his own quirks from his experiences. He had gone from not caring about bugs to feeling his heart beat faster anytime one got to be too close. 

Vampire movies had also lost his appeal a long time ago. 

“How does he always have beer?” John asked, breaking the silence with a question that had been plaguing him.

“Chuck’s a massive gossip, he trades beer for gossip.”

“And how does he know everything?” he asked wondering what was said about him.

The corner of Rodney’s mouth twitched up. “He was CSIS, before he stumbled onto the Stargate program and we recruited him.”

John let out a soft ‘huh’, surprised to hear that. He had never really thought to how the gate tech had shown up in Atlantis, honestly outside of the military he trusted Rodney and Woolsey to deal with it. He had enough trouble keeping track of the new marine’s half the time. He let out a hum, letting the silence wash over them, not wanting to break it. 

The only sound was the crash of the waves, even the electrical hum from Atlantis seemed muted. It was an easy silence. John knew it would surprise some, to see how peaceful and quiet Rodney could be in the right moments. John never felt the need to fill the silence and he in doing so, he was able to enjoy the alienness of the view of their planet, with her triple moons. 

He was in another galaxy, in a city he loved, drinking a beer with his best friend who was all there. Things were good.

John shifted, leaning back on one arm, keeping his shoulder pressed against Rodney’s. He needed the touch, the assurance that his best friend was still there. He wanted to be close to Rodney, he wanted to be closer than they were, and with a lot less clothing, but he couldn’t be. So, he would take what he could get, away from everyone else and their prying eyes. 

When it was the two of them like this, he could revel, relax more against Rodney and take comfort. He didn’t know how long they sat like that, looking out over the waves, drinking the beer and basking in the fact that they had managed to get through another crisis and everyone was okay. They needed to cherish these moments, they were few and far between. 

He heard and felt Rodney take a deep breath before letting it out in a long sigh, still not saying anything. John didn’t want to push, but he felt like he had to ask. He felt like for as much as things were the same between them, they had also changed, probably for the better if he was being honest with himself. Rodney forgetting everyone but him had been humbling and terrifying.

John tipped the neck of the bottle towards where Rodney was picking at the label. “Beer for your thoughts?” he asked, taking another mouthful.

Silence followed and John let it settle, knowing Rodney would talk in his own time, he was incapable of it when something was on his mind. 

“I could fall in love with you. It would be so easy,” Rodney said suddenly.

He shifted, his shoulder dropping away from where it had been pressed against Rodney’s and he tilted his head, not 100% sure he had heard right. Not sure he could handle the hope that flared to life in his chest, nor the sudden wash of terror that swept through him.

“What?” he asked, voice strangled. 

Rodney turned his head to look at John, and he wasn’t sure what was on his face but it caused Rodney to roll his eyes. “Relax Colonel, it was a hypothesis not a conclusion.”

John felt his chest tighten, his throat caught, his mind and heart battling for how he should feel. “What did you mean then?” he blurted, mind ten steps away from common sense. 

It made him cringe, the thought of talking about friendship and feelings more than he wanted to deal with. He didn’t want the hope, the knowledge it would be possible. It would make staying away that much harder. 

“I meant what I said,” Rodney replied simply. “Losing my mind, it made me stop and take stock of everything around me, and part of that was thinking about my relationships, of all variations.”

Rodney fell silent for a moment, before shrugging, his fingers still picking at the label. “I want to be with someone. I want to fall in love and I want to be loved. I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Call me a romantic or tell me I have my head in the sky, but I’ve always wanted it, ever since I was a kid. My Mom used to tell me I fell in love too easily, gave up parts of me to people even easier, and maybe I did. But…I see people who are together that are happy. They’re able to communicate sonnets with looks, and odes with touches. People who can sit in silence and be happy, who can talk for hours about nothing. Who would like me, for who and as I am. I know what I’m like, I’m not that socially inept. But there’s always a part of me that wonders if I could just make those parts of me quiet, to make me more appetizing to people, then I could find that love. It never lasts though, Rodney McKay always shows back up.”

The last sentence was tinged with bitter regret. 

John bit the inside of his cheek, wishing Teyla was here to try to help him through this, to give Rodney the words and reassurances he needed. On the other hand, he was glad she wasn’t, this wasn’t a conversation for her and part of him wished it wasn’t for him either, not with the sudden hope and crushing sadness warring in his chest. 

He was silent, and he knew he should say something. He wasn’t surprised to find Rodney fashioned himself a romantic. He remembered Katie Brown, had seen how awkward he got whenever he talked to her, wanting to make it work so badly. If he was thinking of the future every time, it was no wonder his brain got ahead of his mouth, sentences spewing without proper thought. He had seen Rodney try so hard to be nice to curb the comments to make Katie happier, and it had been painful. He had seen it other times, the smiles turned into grimaces over dates in the mess hall as McKay forced himself to be more appetizing to other people. 

He didn’t understand those people. 

How could you look at someone who clearly had so much fire, drive and passion for knowledge and learning and not want to be drawn in, to be warmed or burned by it. Rodney had a big heart, his edges might be sharp, but he was always the first to throw himself into danger, despite words said to the otherwise. Actions speak louder than words had never been a more apt phrase for Rodney. 

“McKay,” he started, stopping as Rodney waved a hand for silence in front of him. 

“Don’t worry Colonel, I’m not and I won’t. If there’s one thing I’ve learned is not to fall in love with the unattainable. Even if you wanted and could you wouldn’t and its fine, don’t get your panties in a bunch, I don’t even know why I said anything.”

“Wouldn’t?”

The words were out before he could stop himself again and for a moment his mind shut down, but then it settled, Rodney wouldn’t say anything, he knew it. He knew it like he knew his feelings for Rodney, and he felt like the hypothesis had already been tested, the evidence collated and a conclusion reached. He just wished they could publish. 

Rodney was silent for a moment before he sighed again. “Colonel, your men follow you wherever you go because they know you wouldn’t ask them to do anything you wouldn’t do yourself. They also know you would never abuse your power to do something they couldn’t. So even if you wanted too, you wouldn’t. Even if it is a stupid rule.”

“It’s not hypothetical is it?” John asked before he could think about it. Rodney flinched at his words and turned his head, looking away. “I -,” he started to but Rodney cut him off. 

“Don’t, just don’t. Don’t apologize, don’t say you’re sorry or anything. I don’t need any of that, I know the status between us and I don’t want that to change, you’re my best friend. I’m just…” at this Rodney trailed off and waved a hand in the air over his head. “Thinking too much, it’s a novelty I think. Recently rediscovered.”

John shifted again, the comfortable air gone, replaced by something filled with tension. He took a long swallow of his drink, wishing it was something a bit harder for this conversation. Paint thinner didn’t sound too bad in this moment. He shifted again, knowing he needed to say something. He let out a long slow sigh, knowing what the right answer was and gathering his courage to take the leap. 

“I wish,” he started before he stopped, swallowing around his suddenly dry mouth. “I wish the hypothesis could be published, I think you would find that the conclusion would be…would be favorable.”

John knew he couldn’t say anything, knew McKay was right. If he hadn’t been in charge, he would have had no problem flouting those rules, dragging McKay into a shadowed corner and sliding to his knees. He had always had an issue with DADT, among others, it was stupid and did nothing but divide people even more. The problem wasn’t the rule, it was his men. He knew they were loyal to him, and would cover for him if needed. But he respected them, and couldn’t and wouldn’t ask them to do that for him, to put their loyalty to him above the oath they had taken. Never had he felt the burden of command more acutely than in this moment. He sighed, and forced himself to finally look at Rodney. 

Rodney was looking at him, face shocked and blue eyes filled with wonder and more than a little sadness. He met Rodney’s gaze and held it, not wanting to hide anything from Rodney, no matter how painful it felt, no matter how much he wanted to lock those feeling back away. But he didn’t, he kept his gazed focused, and his body still. He wasn’t sure how long they looked at each other, but Rodney broke first, his gaze sweeping out over the ocean, the sadness around him like a cloak. 

John smiled, a slow sad thing that wanted to turn down at the corners. “If Sumner hadn’t died,” he said softly, his intent clear. 

Rodney was silent, letting it stretch before he nodded, fingers going back to picking at the label. “It’s fitting you know, Atlas?”

John frowned at the non sequitur. ”What?”

“Atlas, the man with the world on his shoulders.”

John let out an irritated noise. “I know who Atlas is Rodney.”

“Did you know he was the first King of Atlantis? It’s fitting. A king bowed under the weight of the world.”

“Rodney McKay, admitting to knowing something from the softer sciences.”

Rodney snorted, finishing his beer before setting the bottle down at his side. He tilted his head back, looking up at the sky. “You know what frustrates me about Pegasus, and any planet with a stargate that people use?”

John was silent, but he shifted closer, pressed shoulder to knee with Rodney. He leaned against him, letting Rodney take more of his weight, letting himself do this in the cover of darkness and distance. John had thought of those shoulders often, how it would feel to be pulled into a hug that lasted, instead of the quick backslaps he usually got.

A lot of people thought John hated being touched, but it wasn’t as simple as that. He liked being touched, loved hands running over his body and down his back, holding his hand and being pressed close to someone. He just didn’t like it when people he didn’t know got too close. It was easier, to have a general aversion to touch than try and explain why some people were allowed and others not. It saved on a lot of awkward conversations. Leaning against Rodney like this, he couldn’t help but take as much as he could get and he turned his head, resting his chin on Rodney’s shoulder, glad for the little height difference between them so he could do this comfortably. 

“Why?” he asked, keeping his voice quiet this close to Rodney’s ear. 

Rodney didn’t reply, instead turning his head to look at John, confusion and happiness on his face. “Feeling cuddly Colonel?” he asked just as soft as John had. 

John shrugged, not feeling the need to explain it, sure Rodney would understand. The man had a prickly aura a cactus would be jealous of. Rodney was also smarter than even he knew himself sometimes, and the sad understanding on his face was proof of it.

They both knew it would never go further than this, not the way their world was. But for the moment, they could enjoy it. Not asking, not telling, just enjoying. He felt a hand brush against his leg before resting on his knee, another point keeping them together. 

The touches were innocent, nothing but close friendship but John felt more in this moment than he had in almost five years of marriage. 

He remembered Nancy when they were dating and newly married. Her smiles and soft hands rubbing circles on his shoulders after a bad nightmare. The love he felt for her, and maybe it was time dulling the memories, but he was sure the fire in his heart in this moment was an inferno compared to a candle flame. 

“They don’t have stories,” Rodney continued softly, his eyes meeting Johns and not looking away. 

“When I was a kid, my Mom would tell me all the stories of the stars. We lived in rural Canada and so we could always see them when the skies were clear. She would tell me all the stories and how they related to the stars. How they were mysteries to ancient people and so the came up ways to explain the shapes they saw. We would look through a telescope and she taught me the constellations and their stories, and I fell in love with the stars. But in Pegasus, and even in the Milky Way. People grow up traveling to other planets, to new stars and so they’re not the mystery. None of them have stories. They’re just stars.”

Rodney never broke eye contact, and John didn’t either, listening as Rodney explained part of his past. He smiled, it was a piece of Rodney he was going to keep for himself. He could picture it easily, Rodney sitting and staring in wonder as the sky was explained for the first time, tracking and remembering the stories behind each constellation. And asking a million questions no doubt. 

“Did you – 

“I asked Teyla, and Ronon, they had never heard of stories of the stars. From the stars maybe, but never about the actual stars. They were just the stars. Biggest disappointment ever, especially Teyla. She’s always got a story.”

“Which was your favorite?”

“Auriga.”

“Never heard of it.”

Rodney hummed. “I doubt you would. There’s two stories, but the one I prefer is that a crippled Auriga invented a four-horse chariot in order to get around and Zeus considered it such a great invention that he placed that first chariot in the skies.”

John let out a chuckle. “You would like the inventor.”

Rodney just shrugged, carefully so he wouldn’t dislodge Johns chin, and smiled at him gently. Any other time John could close his eyes and bask in the closeness, but not tonight. They only had tonight. A one-night stand of romance and silent understanding. Over the years they had made a language of their own, in words and looks, they could speak without saying much. Teyla and Ronon could keep up, most of the time. But in moments like this, when a simple touch was a love poem, and a sad smile was a Greek tragedy. 

“I don’t know constellations, but I always wanted to be Icarus,” he said softly. “Flying high in the sky, under his own power, nothing but him and the open sky.”

“I’m not even the least bit surprised. We’ve been close to the sun, let’s not repeat that experience. I peeled for days,” Rodney trailed off and John smiled at the memories. It had been fun, flying the F-302’s, knowing the speeds they were going and flying against a machine, and winning. 

“Aquila.”

“What?”

“Aquila was an eagle who was associated with being Zeus’s messenger, or if we wanted to be on the nose, Pegasus.”

“I thought Pegasus was just the name of the galaxy?”

Rodney shook his head. “When this galaxy was discovered it was named because it was in the direction of the Pegasus constellation. Technically we’re in the Pegasus Dwarf Irregular Galaxy, not the Pegasus Dwarf Spheroidal Galaxy.”

John snorted. “That’s a mouthful.”

Rodney’s lips quirked. “Peg DIG if you want to be lazy.”

“Peg DIG, home sweet home,” he said softly. 

He closed his eyes and realized he was beginning to fly too close to the sun, overcome with the urge to kiss. It was hard, but he made himself pull back, keeping his eyes closed because he didn’t want to see the understanding in Rodney’s eyes. He had already let himself toe the line of plausible deniability for what they were doing. Even as he pulled back, he kept their bodies pressed together, shoulder to knee. Rodney’s hand squeezed his thigh once more and dropped away and John mourned the loss. 

He finally opened his eyes, looking out over the ocean for a second to gather himself before looking back at Rodney, the silence warm despite the yearning pit opening up inside of him. He forced a smile, knowing it was strained but the lines around Rodney’s eyes told the same story.

“I’m not going too—"

“—good. I’m not—"

—good.”

They didn’t need to say much more than that. He wanted Rodney happy, and he wasn’t going to stand in the way of that. No matter the future. They had had this moment and would have thousand more moments as friends. Neither of them had ever been good at waiting, Pegasus was too dangerous to deny yourself happiness wherever it would be. John wished the happiness could be between them, if not for the UCMJ, and he had never hated the decision he made to join the Air Force more than in that split second of irrational anger.

There was a tightness in his chest he wanted to dig the heel of his hand into and rub it away, but he knew it would be there for a few days as he reeled himself back in, tucked his emotions back into a box he could handle. With one last look at Rodney, he tilted his head back, looking up at the stairs. He felt the eyes on the side of his face but he didn’t turn, taking every ounce of his self-control not too. He had failed his men before, but he had always fallen by himself and always picked himself up. He wasn’t alone anymore, he had people to rely on him, he couldn’t let himself fall.

He knew if he met Rodney’s eyes he wouldn’t be strong enough to look away a second time, not tonight. 

“Did you hear Jackson’s coming to Atlantis, needs my help with something? Which is just so typical of anyone on SG-1. They always deny how smart I am until they need something and then it’s all ‘Oh Rodney I need your help and you’re the only one who can do it, help us Obi Rodney Kenobi’….”

John relaxed as Rodney started talking, glad for the break in the silence. Leaning back against one arm, he slowly finished his and listened as Rodney’s voice filled the night air, soothing the ache, just a little bit.

* * *

_Six Months Later_

John would never regret the decision to come to Earth’s aid when the Wraith attacked, it was the only choice. But, after three months stuck on Earth with the IOA dragging their heels, a small part of him liked to day dream about what would have happened if they had arrived a couple minutes later, if a couple wraith had come down and the IOA had seen what they had really faced. Not that he really wished it, but three hours into the IOA meeting, he wasn’t feeling charitable. They had pushed for his promotion to Colonel, and he had gotten it, but any good will he might have had died after the third week of them doing absolutely nothing. 

Leaning back in his chair, he bit back a sigh as he watched Woolsey get into it (again) with Chairwoman Xiaoyi on the merits of Atlantis staying on Earth or returning to Pegasus. He had said his lot, the same thing he had been saying since the meetings had started two months ago. They had a responsibility, they were so close to the eradication, they needed to go back and help. It was the same arguments, and he knew they were losing what little sway they had had with the IOA. His arguments weren’t wrong they had been well planned and thought out, it was the truth, the IOA just didn’t care.

“Not that this isn’t fascinating,” came the acerbic tone from next to him, “but there’s something else we need to discuss and its more important than this pissing match.”

Rodney was feeling the stress these days, more than John was. John just had to deal with a continually rotating group of military personnel, all here to train with his marines. The good thing about the military was their ability to follow rules, and once they learned the ones for Atlantis, they didn’t cause trouble. 

The growing stress lines at the corners Rodney’s eyes could be as a result of the influx of scientists from the SGC and their IOA allies. They were scientists, they lived for discovery, and all of them wanted to find something new and exciting to make their name shine, and each and every one of them ignored all the warnings from both military and prior expedition members on safety. He had had to rescue three different groups this week alone, and it was only Wednesday. 

A tiny part of him wondered if some of the stress was because of their talk on the pier. He knew it was ridiculous, they had known the stakes and agreed on them. Although John had to admit he wasn’t much better off, a couple late lonely nights had been spent in his room imagining what had happened if he had been able to kiss Rodney and the aftermath. He knew it was the right decision, but it didn’t mean he had to like it. 

He wondered if it was guilt. 

Rodney and Keller had started dating soon after the night on the pier. John didn’t begrudge Rodney that, he wanted him happy more than most anything else in the world, and John knew he couldn’t give Rodney a relationship like that. He had made sure Rodney knew, telling him with honest smiles and genuine excitement for his friend. Rodney deserved to be happy. He wasn’t worried about the state of their friendship, he didn’t think he ever would be again, they had weathered worse. Sure, they were spending less time together, but being on Earth was busier than they had anticipated, especially with the IOA jackasses. Like the six months they had spent away from Teyla and Ronon when the Ancients had taken back the city, this friendship transcended time and distance, even if he did miss his friend. 

Mostly, he was just worried. 

Rodney had taken to spending more time in the uninhabited areas of the city doing the work of four people to try and keep the city afloat. John had listened to the bitching over the comm enough to know things were not going well. His friend had bags beneath his eyes, skin even paler than usual, his cheekbones more pronounced and most worryingly he had dropped a few pounds, which John thought was a shame because he had always appreciated how strong Rodney’s body looked. The sort of body that had been built through honest work and movement, not gym fed. It was a mixture of jealousy and attraction. John wondered what it would be like to be wrapped up in those arms, sleeping half on top of him. He imagined it was comfortable, like a warm blanket, and he needed to stop thinking about it when he was pressed up against said friend, knees touching each other easily. 

That was another thing that had changed, the casual touches had increased from both of them. John found reasons to press close, to let fingers trail across an arm for a few more moments than necessary, he would press his shoulder close and lean against Rodney knowing he could take the weight. Rodney didn’t seem to mind, in fact he seemed to encourage them, and reciprocate. He would squeeze John’s shoulder, thumb tracing against the side of his neck, trail fingers along the small of his back when passing by each other. It wasn’t uncommon for them to find their knees or legs touching. 

“Dr. Mackay, what is it?” Woolsey asked.

John shifted, bringing his attention from day-dreaming to the meeting just in time to see Woolsey shooting Xiaoyi a dark look, daring her to speak. John always knew Woolsey had teeth, but it was fun to see him biting at other people for once.

“The cloak is beginning to fail.”

The background murmur cut sharply, all attention now on Rodney, even John turned, looking at his friend, eyebrow raised in question. 

“Explain,” Coolidge said, voice sharp in the sudden stillness of the room.

“Listen, the shields were not supposed to be converted into a cloak to begin with, and oh sure it works fine for a short period of time, but running it constantly is beginning to damage the crystals and we don’t exactly have a lot of those hanging around. On top of that, Earth’s ocean has a higher pH and salinity than all of the planets in Pegasus. Not to even mention the pollution from years of environmental abuse and mining. They’re beginning to show wear and tear. There’s enough overlay and redundancy that we’re fine for the moment, but if we stay here and if we keep running them nonstop then I can’t promise Atlantis won’t start showing up, and once those go, the shield goes as well and Atlantis will be stuck here, for better or for worse.”

McKay spoke quickly, the corner of his mouth pulled down, hands flying as he threw up diagrams and figures onto the main screen with an ease born of practice. 

“Why are we just finding out about this now? Why didn’t we know this before?” Coolidge asked, voice tight with emotion. 

John barely managed to stop himself from rolling his eyes. Ever since they had landed in the bay, Coolidge had been second guessing Rodney, dogging him at every meeting, questioning every single word Rodney spoke. He was surprised Rodney hadn’t lost his temper yet, and John could see a tension in his jaw that made Johns ache with sympathy. He wanted to rub at the hinge, dig his thumb in and help Rodney relax. Instead he twisted his hands together under the table, keeping them to himself. 

“Because my crystal balls were broken and unfortunately my tarot cards didn’t inform me. I can’t see into the future,” Rodney snapped, voice dripping with distain. “Look, Atlantis only just alerted us to the problems a few days ago, and it took us awhile to figure out what the problem was. And before you ask, moving it to another part of the ocean won’t help, all of Earth’s oceans have the same problem, some of them could be even worse.”

Rodney dropped both hands down to his side and looked around the room. “You either need to send Atlantis back to the Pegasus galaxy or start making plans for declassification because those are the two options right now. The shield crystals are unique, we don’t have spares and we can’t pull them from other systems. I’ve got people looking into it more thoroughly now, but we still haven’t figured out how the Ancients made them.”

A dead silence descended across the room at Rodney’s dire prediction. 

Declassification was a term that had been bandied around for the last couple of years, and they had begun to speed up the release of previously classified information. It had all of the scientists excited, the work they were doing could finally be released along with the credit they wanted. For three weeks after they landed, there had been a flurry of papers being written, every lab on Atlantis had been filled with nothing but the clack of keyboards and quiet arguments over word choices and references. 

Keller had dealt with more than her fair few of stress related breakdowns, not that they were unusual for the expedition, but he knew it frustrated her nonetheless. John remembered Rodney ranting about it a couple of weeks ago, annoyed that the majority of his research was remaining classified for the time being because he had to wait for other research to be released first otherwise it wouldn’t make sense. 

The only thing of his that was even close to being able to be released was his data compression from the first year, and he had admitted to John he had written the paper through varying infirmary stays over the years. 

Christ, even John had the start of a paper around the hyperspace equations. He didn’t know the shape of it yet, but he had a feeling, and those feelings had helped him through his master’s thesis, he wasn’t about to start ignoring them now. He knew he wasn’t the only military person with a paper in the words. Lorne had been muttering about long term Earthquake strain in fault lines the past few weeks and Teldy had asked a week of leave so she could go over the biology and chemistry reports on a potential cancer curing flower that was analogous to one found in Brazil that they had found on Athos 2. 

The silence in the room continued to build, everyone looking around before finally settling back on Rodney who looked back all of them with the same bulldog expression, daring them to say something stupid. John was marginally surprised when no one argued with Rodney, and he wondered if they for once actually understood what was at stake. 

“Keep us apprised Doctor,” Coolidge said. “Make it a priority.”

Rodney muttered something that even John didn’t pick up, but he was sure it wasn’t complimentary as the meeting resumed. Rodney leaned back against the chair, his mouth drawn down in the familiar sloping frown. Keeping his hands under the table, he shifted his hand so he could squeeze Rodney’s thigh for a moment before pulling his hands back to himself. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Rodney look at him, the slant of his lips softening from the scowl and for John, that was enough. 

It had to be.

* * *

Two months later and nothing changed. The city was still in San Francisco with no sign of anyone making a decision anytime soon. John could remember Elizabeth bitching about it before, the IOA never wanted to make a choice because it then meant they would be held accountable. She had been furious in the wake of Michaels first betrayal, and had ranted when she had gotten back to Atlantis about the pigheadedness of the IOA. It had taken a lot of alcohol to get her to calm down. 

Tensions were rising, and even John was beginning to feel the strain, especially once the news of the failing cloak got around. Naturally, an influx of engineers and chemical engineers had showed up, the SGC deciding that they were the best chance to fix it. Instead, all it did was make Rodney more frustrated, his cheeks hollower and Keller was beginning to look worried anytime John ate with them. The scowl seemed to be etched on Rodney’s features and John worried, and tried not to let the worry show. It was Keller’s job to take care of Rodney, not his, despite how much he wished it as.

The only upside, aside from sleeping a solid eight hours a night, was people were beginning to pair up and for all that brought around its own romantic problems, he was glad to see it. Without the immediate threat of the wraith people could worry a little less, look towards the future instead of the present. Ronon and Amelia had started dating, officially. Ronon was oddly cautious about it, full of soft smiles that seemed to charm Amelia and every other woman around him. The blushing high school routine amused John, mostly because he knew both Amelia and Ronon could kick his ass six ways to Sunday. Other pairings began to crop up, official and the unofficial ones he couldn’t ask about. He wasn’t stupid, but he had played at being stupid long enough that most people thought he didn’t know. He let Lorne and Parrish have their belief, at least someone was with the person they wanted the most. 

For John, the biggest surprise had been Miko and Radek. 

John had asked McKay about that one when they had had a moment to themselves and was surprised when McKay had snorted and clapped his hands.

“Finally! Those two have been dancing around each other since after the siege. Radek thought she had a crush on me, Miko thought Radek was interested in Elizabeth, both of them never made eye contact and apologized a lot when bumping into each other. It’s been the Romeo and Juliet of the labs. People were about to start putting them in closets just to move it along.”

Even he had met someone, which had come as a surprise to everyone, most of all himself.

There had been a few dates over the years in Pegasus and before, but nothing had worked out. He had been too busy dealing with the stress of command and everything else the galaxy had to throw at them. The longest relationship he had had was with Elizabeth, and that had been more about stress relief and comfort.

John had loved Elizabeth, and she had loved him, but neither of them had been in love with each other. She had still had feelings for Simon and had always kept a part of her distant. John had been falling in love with her, drawn in by her grace under pressure and determination. She was classy, intelligent and caring to a fault, and had a wicked sense of humor. Elizabeth had reminded him of Nancy, of the good times before it had all gone south. 

He had loved Nancy and would always regret how shitty a husband he had been, especially at the end once he realized that he would never be the person she wanted him to be. He had been falling in love, but he had also known it wasn’t returned. Elizabeth had given her heart away only for it to be broken, and Elizabeth was many things, but she didn’t make the same mistake twice. 

John had known that, and it was that as well as his growing feelings for Rodney that had tempered his feelings. It settled into companionship and stress relief more than anything. They had had many late-night conversations in bed or relaxing on the balconies a bottle of wine between them. The memories were bittersweet, and right then he missed her, wishing she was there to talk too. She knew how he felt about Rodney, and she would have been on their side, badgering the IOA. 

Maybe things would have been better. 

But Alice was great, better than he had expected, better than he sometimes felt he deserved considering he was in love with his best friend. She was on loan from the SGC, studying replicator nanotechnology and their meeting had been memorable. 

_He had walked in on an argument between Rodney and one of the new doctors who wanted to study the replicator machine. She had been standing toe to toe, giving an obviously well-rehearsed list of arguments in favor of turning it back on. All of which were going to fall on deaf ears, if the look on Rodney’s face was any indication. He had watched with interest as she rebutted every single one of Rodney’s arguments with grace and poise._

_She looked like Jeannie, and that was not going to work in her favor with Rodney, not after what had happened to her when she had been kidnapped. It would only serve as a reminder of the bad things, instead of anything good that could happen. He stopped and leaned against the wall, ready to step in if needed, and from the tightness around Rodney’s tired eyes, it was going to happen. However, Rodney had taken one look at John and turned on his heel and stalked out, the conversation done._

_Silence followed and John took a couple steps forward, offering a conciliatory smile. “Sorry about that, nanites and replicators have given us a lot of trouble, Doctor McKay especially.”_

_She had blown a long breath out of her nose before dropping her head into her hands with a frustrated noise before looking up at him with blue eyes that flashed with irritation._

_“I understand, but it’s frustrating. There are so many things we could learn if he would just let me look at the data! So many permanent injuries we could have avoided, not to mention the future medical applications for those who need organ transplants! Science shouldn’t be stopped just because bad things happened, it needs to keep moving forward or those experiences things are for naught!”_

_She reminded him of Rodney, not just in looks. John was self-aware enough to know it would be a bad idea, but he had stepped forward anyway, smile on his face and stuck out his hand. “Colonel John Sheppard,” he said, trying not to stress the Colonel. Two months and he still wasn’t used to it._

_“Alice Harper, Doctor Alice Harper, Biology. And nanotech, obviously,” she had said shaking his hand and watching him with wary eyes._

_“Can I interest you in lunch?”_

He had been surprised as she was at the invitation, but she had accepted. It had been good, bonding over being military brats and the agreement hat the Hawaii bases were the best. One lunch turned into a couple dinners and before John knew it, three weeks had passed and they were apparently official, according to the scuttlebutt from Chuck. 

Alice was nicer than Rodney, but no less stubborn. More active and less prone to complaining but she had a sharp wit he enjoyed keeping up with, if only to see the same impressed glance his way Rodney used to give him. He really needed to stop comparing them, he wasn’t that dense. He knew it was a bad idea 

A month into them dating, he invited her to go surfing and camping in Santa Cruz over a weekend, and she had been excited. It had gone well, they had had a good day on the waves, followed by a nice dinner at a dive bar and finished with them sitting at the campsite chatting amicably until the sun had set. The stars had come out, not as bright as John was used too, not that he spent a lot of time looking at them. They reminded him of Rodney too much. He wondered what constellations they could see, he could only find the big dipper and even that was faint. 

They had retired to the tent falling into each other easily. It had been good, fun even, a stress relief he hadn’t felt in a long time. The sex was easy, comfortable between them and both of them had enjoyed it. She had kissed his shoulder when they were done and told him she was glad she had said yes to the lunch and John found he had been as well. 

She hadn’t even minded when he woke up screaming Rodney’s name still in the middle of a nightmare about his teammates being kidnapped a few hours later.

* * *

“Did you hear?”

John looked up as Rodney slammed the tray own onto the table, startling Alice who jumped and knocked into John’s elbow sloshing his coffee. Teyla, Amelia and Ronon didn’t even flinch, long since used to McKay by now.

“Sorry,” Alice said instead of answering Rodney, handing John a napkin with a sheepish glance. 

He shrugged and gave her a quick smile, no harm done. Rodney might give him shit for the mostly black, but it hid a lot of the stains. Coffee, sweat, gun oil, blood, one color hides all. 

“Hear what McKay?” he asked dabbing at his shirt, glad he drank his coffee black.

“Rumor is the SGC wants to move onto Atlantis, as a more secure base.”

John glanced up sharply, taking in the tightness in his friends’ shoulders, and the white knuckled grip on his utensils. “What?”

“ _Apparently_ the powers that be thought it would be a good idea to have a base that already has a bunch of built in protocols for all the bullshit trouble they get into.”

It was amazing the amount of scorn and distain that Rodney could inflict in a single sentence. For a moment, John was distracted as he watched Rodney’s mouth. It fascinated him, the slant of Rodney’s mouth, the way it spoke volumes in its tilt. He wanted to know what it would be like to kiss it, to feel those slanted lips against his. He blinked, shaking his head as he dropped his napkin, drawing his mind away from wherever that was going. It wasn’t safe, especially since that slanted mouth was speaking with a rage that John had never seen before. Which was a feat considering what they had been through over the years.

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Alice ventured. “It would be safer for everyone who worked for the SGC.”

Rodney snorted, his opinion loud and clear and John fought a wince, Alice and Rodney didn’t fight, but he knew they didn’t get along. John wondered if it was because he was dating her, the same way Keller wasn’t his favorite person. He thought it more had to do with Rodney’s continued refusal to allow her to work with the replicator machine. It didn’t help that Carter agreed with McKay, and whenever those two agreed on something it was an impenetrable wall. 

“Atlantis isn’t safe,” Rodney stated bluntly. “It has never been safe and it won’t be safe until we’ve managed to explore and find everything. Even then, there’s secrets all over the city that we find randomly. People die from walking in a room. The gate room might have protocols, but the rest of the city is a ticking time bomb, especially with all the damage she has gone through. We have protocols in place for exploring new places in the city, but no one is following them. It’s a miracle no one’s died yet.”

Rodney was visibly radiating tension and John could understand. They had lost a lot of people to unproperly marked experiments. Sometimes John thought they had gotten lucky considering the scale the Ancients worked on sometimes. Ever since the nanite infection their first year, the exploration teams were smaller, so if something did happen it would be to less people. It was the sort of black thinking that could only happen on bases surrounded by danger.

“The SGC knows what they’re doing,” Alice argued. “They’ve been doing it for a lot longer than you’ve been on Atlantis. And Colonel Carter lived here, she knows the stakes. If they General and IOA thinks it’s right, it can’t be that bad.”

John could see Rodney turning the shade of puce that came right before a violent outbreak, and Teyla and Ronon noticed it as well, both of them had been watching the argument with varying degrees of worry. Teyla reached out and placed a hand on Rodney’s forearm, Ronon clapping his hand on his shoulder and John shifted, moving so his leg pressed up against Rodney’s. They knew how to handle Rodney after all this time, just like they could handle each member of their team individually. Ronon got something to destroy, Teyla got meditation with her team, Rodney got touch and John got hugs. 

He could feel the tension as Rodney closed his eyes and took a deep breath, grinding his teeth together. “People will die,” he said simply. “And I will not allow needless deaths, not in my city. Not while I can help it.”

With that he stood up and stalked off, leaving a tray full of food behind. John made a mental note to bring something to him in an hour or so when he had cooled down a bit, and not tell Keller. She liked Alice, and wished Rodney and her got along better. John thought it was telling that their girlfriends liked each other, but they didn’t like each other’s girlfriends. He turned to look at Alice, who was frowning after McKay.

“We’ve lost a lot of people, good people, to unmarked experiments,” he explained gently. “We had to learn how to be careful, and to do things right, and even then, we still lose people. McKay’s just worried with more people, less people will follow the rules we have for a good reason. He doesn’t like losing people, especially if it could be avoided by not making stupid decisions.”

Alice looked at him, her eyebrows still drawn together but she nodded her head. “I suppose,” she said sounding like she didn’t agree at all.

* * *

To Johns trepidation, two days later he was called to the landing pad to greet General O’Neill, Colonel Carter, Dr Jackson and Vala. He had never had any problems with any of them, but the rumor had spread like Kirsan fever, causing a cold war to start between the SGC loaned personnel and the expedition members. 

There had been no outright hostility, but John had been in charge of this city long enough to know when his people were stressed. The last couple days had felt like the days before a wraith ship arrival, the sort of stress that led to short tempers and shorter nights. It was telling, especially for a city of scientists that had spent the better part of the last five years working under high stress situations. 

The timing of the visit couldn’t have been at a worse time, but John was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, even if he doubted Rodney’s intel was wrong. The only people who seemed to know more gossip than Rodney were the nurses and Chuck. Rodney just said it was because he was good at keeping secrets, John assumed it was because everyone talked around Rodney assuming he didn’t give a shit. 

“General,” he said saluting before moving to shake hands.

Out of most of his commanding and senior officers, John respected O’Neill the most. His no bullshit attitude was refreshing and it had been O’Neill that had helped pushed him towards making the decision to come to Atlantis. Some part of him would always be in his debt for that. 

“Colonel,” O’Neill said back shaking his hand. “You know everyone I’m guessing,” he said waving a hand at the trio behind him. 

“Got the band back together I see,” he said, already anticipating the headache to come. There was no need for Carter and Jackson to be on Atlantis, not right now. There was even less need for Vala and Mitchell to be there. “Mostly.” At least Teal’c was absent. 

“Well you know what it’s like, family vacations never really pan out the way you expect them too. Some people want to go to Disneyland, others want to go to Disneyworld, and instead I just dragged them here,” O’Neill said, his hands in his pockets as he rocked back and forth on his heels, a good old boy aw shucks John never believed, he had spent most of his teenage years growing up in the southern states and knew a bullshit when he saw it.

“We’re only here for a week or two,” Mitchell piped up, moving to shake hands with John. The two had always gotten along, bonding over whiskey and football, but right then he wished the other man had stayed in Colorado. “Just wanted to see the city when I’m not on a mission.”

“And nothing to do with the rumors about the SGC moving bases?” John asked, figuring he should give O’Neill a heads up even as he tried not to bristle. Atlantis was not a tourist attraction. 

O’Neill winced and John thought he looked ashamed, which made his stomach drop out. “Nothing’s been confirmed yet, but the IOA has made some grumblings about it.”

“They know the city is twice as dangerous right? And if the Goa’uld get into the city they’ll have the power?”

O’Neill sighed and shrugged, looking worn. “You’ve talked to the IOA, you know they don’t listen to reason, the last couple of years has gotten even worse.”

John felt his shoulders tighten, hearing the unspoken words. Power. The IOA and their respective nations wanted more power, and they were going to push for it regardless of how dangerous it was. He signed and rubbed a hand over his face before turning.

“Come on, I’ll show you to your rooms, you’re here for a couple weeks, right?” he asked as O’Neill and Carter fell into step next to him.

“Yes, there’s some subsystems I need McKay’s help with in the Atlantis database. I think there’s a reference to a weapon we can use to help us against the Lucian Alliance. And then I know Jackson wants to spend more time in Janus’ lab,” Carter explained. “I also want to see what else you guys have explored since I’ve been gone! I’ve heard some amazing things.”

John managed a tight smile, knowing he shouldn’t blame her any more than he blamed O’Neill but the bright excited look in her eyes just made him feel sharper than normal. It brought the itch that he usually felt in a hostile situation between his shoulders. He wanted to steal the city and take her back to Pegasus where she was needed more, away from the machinations and rumblings of Earth’s political bullshit. He wanted to go back to how things had been a couple months ago. 

“I’m here for moral support,” Vala piped up. “You know, sitting around and cheering as they go and do their science-y things.” 

That brought a real smile to his face, he had always been liked Vala, she reminded him a lot of Nancy, at least when he and Nancy had been friends. The sly humor and sharp tongue. Mostly he had a lot of fun flirting knowing that it wouldn’t go anywhere. She gave as good as she got, with the added bonus of making Jackson look like he had swallowed a lemon. 

Making their way to the transporter, they stepped through and out into the control room. John couldn’t hide the wince at the sudden silence that fell over the normally chatty room at the sight of SG-1. The tension rocketed when Rodney strode into the room and suddenly John wondered if this was what it was like being at a tennis match as people’s eyes moved between Rodney and the new arrivals. 

A lot of people had heard Rodney’s rant the other day at breakfast, and John was surprised at how many people agreed with him. The SGC was a place for people who weren’t good at toning down the need to satiate their curiosity. Everyone at SGC was used to asking why a thousand times and finding a thousand answers, they wanted to know and so they would find out. They were the best, and they constantly were striving for new answers. But the people of Atlantis, they had learned the hard way how to slow down and be careful. That sometimes the questions weren’t worth the answers.

“Hey Rodney!” Carter said, her voice a lot happier than the tension in the room warranted. 

John chanced a glance at her and saw the tightness around her eyes. She wasn’t immune to the tension either.

“Colonel Carter, welcome back,” Rodney replied, his voice as polite and professional as he had ever heard it and John blinked. He wasn’t sure he had ever heard that tone of voice from Rodney, he didn’t even know the other man was capable of sounding as _nice_ and _polite_ as he had right then. The sudden stillness in the air told him no one had. 

“I’m going to need your help with some database stuff, think you can schedule me in for a couple hours?” Carter said, stubbornly cheerful, as if she could will the cold war to end. 

“Of course. I have something I need to do right now, but I’ll be free in a couple hours?” Rodney replied in the same polite tone as he came to a stop near them. 

Over the years John had seen Rodney in varying levels of stressed, insulted and mad, but he suddenly realized this was the first time Rodney was angry. Well and truly angry, the sort of rage John got whenever he thought about the Genii invasion. He could see the tension in his shoulders, the tight grip on the tablet and the way Rodney was standing with a straight spine most marine drill sergeants would be envious of. Rodney was being polite because it was the only thing he could think of to do to not completely lose his shit. 

“That’ll…that’ll be fine Rodney,” Carter said, stumbling over her words. It seemed he wasn’t the only one who had noticed the anger. “You know we’re not here to—”

“Fuck that.”

McKay talked a lot. He talked in long rambling sentences, words coming out faster and faster, never stumbling over them. He had the diction of a politician, each word carefully chosen for maximum effect. He never stumbled, never stuttered, and most of all he never swore. John had seen him rewiring doors under Wraith fire and had only heard a muttered ‘oh no oh no’. 

“Fuck that and you know it. The IOA shoved their heads up their asses and now all they can smell is shit so they don’t know how big the pile they’re stepping into is. They’re going to move the fucking SGC to Atlantis and people are going to die. Don’t give me that bullshit about its not, we’re not. It’s all in name only, the rumors reached Atlantis, that tells us all we need to know. They just need to fucking figure out the cloak situation and how to facilitate the move and lo and behold, new overlords,” Rodney said, words cutting and sharp and if Colonel Carter had been someone less poised John was sure she would have flinched. 

As it was, people were shifting, backing away from the storm cloud that was brewing over Rodney right then. John could see similar looks of worry, no one had really seen Rodney mad and it was a terrifying sight to behind. He was talking, faster and faster, but he wasn’t moving, he wasn’t yelling, his words were even and clipped. 

“Not even the people on Atlantis are at risk, oh no. Atlantis is on Earth and eventually the wraith will figure that out and then all of those people back in Pegasus, they’re fucking dead as well. The IOA is cosigning thousands of people to die because they’re a bunch of useless fucks who only want power and can’t think beyond the end of their nose.”

“McKay,” John found himself saying as he took a few steps closer and wrapped a hand around his bicep, ready to drag him away before he said anything else. He couldn’t look at SG-1, not wanting to see their faces, and not wanting them to see his. Not when so much of him agreed with Rodney.

“McKay, you’ve made your point,” O’Neill said, his voice sounding unruffled. One of these days John hoped he achieved the same level of studied nonchalance, although he thought it was going to be many years in the future. 

“The fuck I haven’t,” Rodney said taking a step forward and John stepped in front of him, blocking his way, feeling Rodney bump into him. He knew if Rodney really wanted too he could bulldoze over John. Rodney had a brute strength John would achieve, he was just glad Rodney never seemed aware of it except in extreme situations. 

“McKay…Rodney,” he said keeping his voice down, hoping that only Rodney could hear the pleading tone in his voice, asking him to drop it. He could feel the tension in Rodney and he looked at his face and gripped his arm tighter. “Not here,” he said softly, taking a step, thankful when Rodney allowed himself to be pushed back. 

John didn’t know who Rodney was glaring at, but he kept at it for longer than necessary before breaking eye contact, meeting Johns eyes for a second, despair evident, before he took a few steps back, pulling his arm out of Johns grasp. 

“If that’s all sir, ma’am, I have to get back to work,” Rodney said, directing his attention behind John. The forced politeness and honorifics somehow more shocking than the swearing had been. The room was silent for a second before Rodney turned on his heel and strode out, the silence palpable in his wake. 

John could feel a presence at his side and he turned to see Carter, looking after Rodney with a shocked look on her face. She had known him longer than John had, and had a much more tumultuous relationship over the years, but during the year she had been in command, they had settled down into something approaching friendship. 

“He’s really pissed off,” Carter said sounding shocked and John nodded. 

“We all are,” he admitted, meeting her eyes as she turned her head. “I just know there’s very little you want to do.”

A lot was left unspoken, neither the time nor the place. Carter had a lot more sway than she liked to admit, O’Neill did as well, that the two of them could push if they wanted, but Carter and Jackson both wanted access to the city. He knew the IOA wanted in, but the American military still funded most of the program, and if the president pushed hard enough, then they would back off. 

Carter met his eyes for a moment before turning her head away, her cheeks a little redder than before, and John bit the inside of his cheek. He couldn’t blame her for wanting to know more, any of them. He knew what Atlantis was like, how she dug her claws into you and never let go. He just wished it didn’t have to be like this, that another compromise could be made. 

“I’ll have someone show you to your rooms,” he said after a second as the noise in the room slowly started to fill with whispers. No doubt Rodney’s rant would be spread around the entire expedition shortly. John felt lines had been drawn, but he didn’t know where the battle would go, and he didn’t know how they had a holy hells chance of even being close to winning. 

In the years John had been in the Pegasus galaxy, he had had some rough weeks, he had had weeks where everyone was on edge and snapping at each other. There had been times (after Elizabeth, after Carson) where the silence was enough you felt like you were wading through soup. But the cold war that erupted in the wake of Rodney’s outburst was glue. Everywhere he went, everyone he talked too had a half-muttered comment, some snide remark regarding one side or another. Sides had been drawn, and more than once he had watched an expedition scientist pulling Rodney to the side to talk to him, the frown on his forehead replaced by a quirk of his lips, obviously trying to hold in his amusement. He wondered what was so amusing. 

He had overheard some of the marines talking when they didn’t see him and he assumed the scientists had been telling Rodney the same thing. That they were glad Rodney had said what he said, and they were mad they couldn’t go back and fight. Teyla and Ronon weren’t the only non-Earth friends they had. Most teams had friends among planets they had visited, and they were all worried for them. 

John just wished it wasn’t turning into an us versus them, but he agreed with Rodney. He just didn’t know what good it would do. 

He also wished Alice understood more. They had had a few terse disagreements, both of them trying to keep their tempers in check until the conversation and the night had been ruined and they went their separate ways. He couldn’t and wouldn’t blame her. Hell, he could understand. She was born and raised on Earth and had never been through the gate. She didn’t know, and a lot of scientists were the same, they couldn’t understand. In Atlantis most of the scientists went through the gate out of necessity, at the SGC they could pull in whoever they wanted, it was always voluntary. 

It didn’t help that SG-1 was wandering around and John found himself playing host to O’Neill and his team more often than not. It irritated him, especially since Carter had lived here for a year, she should know what they wanted to see and he wouldn’t be giving up his precious free time playing tour guide. But he played by the rules, he didn’t know what the IOA was discussing, and didn’t want to make it worse. He knew his reputation for not following orders, and wasn’t about to screw over a whole galaxy because of his irritation.

John bit back a sigh as he stepped out of the transporter to meet with O’Neill, resigning himself to the fact that at least they were going to be exploring a part of the city they knew well. It meant less ways of getting in trouble.

“Sir,” he said finding O’Neill waiting outside of his quarters, talking quickly and quietly with Carter and Jackson with Vala looking on with interest. “No Mitchell?” he asked, not seeing hi, anywhere. 

“He went to train with Ronon this morning,” Carter supplied and John grinned. 

“Good luck to him then,” he said. “Ronon knows where we’re going so he can find us if needed,” he said, waving a hand in front of him as the group started moving. “We’re going to go look at auxiliary housing today,” he said taking them to another transporter and waiting for everyone to get in before following and hitting the right button. 

“Auxiliary housing?” Jackson asked and John nodded as the room flashed and they spilled out into the hallway. 

“We found it a couple of months back, it has larger apartments, and they’re more homely than the rooms we’ve been staying in. A lot of them are damaged because they’re in the outer towers and we keep fucking those over anytime we need to move the city, or we’re under attack. Engineering has been getting them fixed up though, a lot of us want to move into them,” John explained as he turned and headed up a flight of stairs. 

“Stairs? I thought transporters did away with them?” O’Neill asked. 

“Most of the time, there’s a button for the right floor, but we haven’t tested it yet. We tend to go from a place we haven’t been before to a place we have been before. Its ah…dangerous if the transporter you’re trying to get to isn’t working,” he explained, grimacing. They had thankfully only lost one person to that before they had figured it out. “Most of the time the city failsafe’s kick in, but sometimes those are in damaged areas and so they…don’t.”

“Dangerous?” Carter asked.

“Yeah, McKay explained it like a phone call that was muted. You could talk and send as much information as you wanted, but if the other side can’t hear it then…,” he trailed off with a shrug, not seeing to explain any further as the understanding crossed their faces. 

He turned and headed up a second flight, staying quiet and ignoring the soft talking behind him. They had lost so many people to mistakes they didn’t know were mistakes. Hindsight was 20/20 and they all wished they wore glasses. Coming to the top he found Ronon and Mitchell. Ronon looked bored, Mitchell looked like he was going to be sick and John didn’t even try to hide the not so sympathetic smirk he shot towards Mitchell. He trained with Ronon just as much as Teyla and was well aware of what Mitchell was going through. 

“Okay?” he asked Ronon, looking at him critically. 

Ronon hadn’t been avoiding the rumors, and when the IOA rumor had started both Teyla and Ronon had shut down a bit, pulled away from people. He didn’t blame them, it was their home, and they were far away. Despite Ronon’s new relationship with Amelia, he was more on edge, remining John of his first few months in the city. John and Rodney were doing their best to drag them in and keep them close, and sometimes he felt like it was working and other times it wasn’t. 

“Better,” Ronon replied, clapping him on the shoulder and settling in next to him as they walked. 

John nodded and clapped his hands as he led the group down the hallway and through a door into another one. 

“Do you ever get lost Colonel?” Jackson asked as John continued to lead them to where they were going.

“Not really,” he answered honestly. “Well not after the first time,” he amended with a grin. “Usually by the time I need to go somewhere McKay had been and shows me the way so I know,” he explained. 

“And he doesn’t get lost?” Mitchell asked.

John shook his head. “Nah, he’s got a weirdly good sense of direction, he never gets lost. Its handy, especially off world,” he explained. 

“He just needs to know the quickest way back to the mess hall,” Ronon rumbled for Johns ears and John grinned, turning his head so the others wouldn’t see it. Teasing their teammates was fine between team, he didn’t want to give anyone else ammunition. 

Opening the last door, he stepped through. “Alright, here we are. We’re on the outer parts of arm two. Every door that can be opened easily is clear and ready for you to explore,” he said waiting for the group to move and instead found them looking behind him at something. He turned, looking and an eyebrow when he noticed Rodney and Teyla sitting on the floor. 

“Hey guys,” he said loudly, before anyone else could talk. “What brings you here?” he asked, wishing they were anywhere but here. Well, wishing that Rodney was, at least with the group behind him in tow. 

“I’m working on the transporters,” Rodney answered quietly, not looking up from where he was tapping on a tablet connected to the wall by varying sized cables. John crouched down in front of Rodney, eyes on Teyla and fought not to rest his hands on Rodney’s knees, to bring himself closer. “I’ve only got a couple more to do and then all the ones we know will be online.”

Teyla was curled up next to Rodney, her head resting on his shoulder and her eyes closed. She had dark circles under her eyes and she was pulled into a tiny ball, a sweater John recognized as Kanaan’s wrapped around her. It had been hard for both Ronon and Teyla, but on Teyla especially. She was separated from her partner and her child and had no idea when she would see them next. John got antsy after not speaking to his team for a day, he couldn’t imagine how she was feeling. 

“She’s asleep, finally,” Rodney said quietly. “And she better stay that way.”

He looked up at that, a pointed glance at the group behind John and John grimaced, glad that they couldn’t see the expression on his face. He glared at Rodney who just looked back at him levelly, and finally John looked away. “Yeah we’ll keep it quiet,” he said quieting his own voice. 

“Is Teyla okay?” Carter asked, stepping forward next to John looking worried. John knew the two of them were friends, and like John, didn’t blame the group for the current predicament. Not blaming and being okay were two different things. 

“She’s trapped on a planet away from her partner and child, the IOA informed her yesterday they didn’t have the resources to get her and Ronon home and since Atlantis is here there’s no way to gate back,” Rodney snapped quietly. 

It was impressive, the amount of rage and power he could infuse in his words while he was speaking just above a whisper. John grimaced again and reached out, tugging at one of Teyla’s sleeves to pull it down where it had ridden up. 

“And she decided to sleep on you?” O’Neill asked in disbelief. 

“She decided she didn’t want to be more alone than she already was and decided to come to family for comfort,” Rodney replied his voice as cold as space. 

John could understand the looks of disbelief on SG-1’s face, McKay wasn’t who you thought of when you mentioned family. He didn’t know how to explain how their relationship had changed since Rodney had helped deliver Torren safely in one of the worst places possible. They had been friends before, but now they were like siblings and in recent months John knew he had been asking Teyla for advice with Jennifer. 

It made him happy, the closeness the team was settling into. He had forged bonds easily with his team, and knew it had been harder for Rodney, especially with Teyla. Rodney and Ronon had bonded over strategic games, as well as whatever their whispered conversations were about. It wasn’t odd for them to find Ronon and McKay in the middle of a long drawn out game of risk, both of them acting like generals with real armies. 

But Rodney and Teyla had never had a lot in common, but it seemed like they had found a thread, starting with the birth of Torren and expanding with a mutual love of all thing’s classical music. Rodney had even dragged her to a couple live performances in San Francisco. 

“We’ll be quiet,” he said, keeping his own voice low as he stood up. “Not that she wakes up for anything less than Torren when she feels safe,” he pointed out. 

“So, let’s keep her feeling safe,” was the retort and John sighed, unable to think of a comeback to that, not without keeping it civil. He knew Rodney wasn’t mad with him, just mad with the people behind him.

He stood up and turned, looking at the group arrayed behind him. “Don’t you want to explore?” he asked, making shooing motions. It was enough to get Vala to link an arm with Jackson and began to drag him around, asking him what room he thought they would look best in. 

Mitchell trailed behind him, making increasingly ridiculous comments about interior decoration, leaving Carter and O’Neill in front of him. They were both looking at Rodney still with incredulous expressions, which he thought was a bit unfair. Especially for Carter. She had lived here, she knew what Rodney was like now, what he was capable of. Sometimes he wondered if she had chalked a lot of what had happened to stress of the situation and not of a man who had finally found his place and had made a family for it. 

He made eye contact with O’Neill watching as he mouthed ‘McKay, really?’ and John nodded. There were no words to explain, not even team was a good enough qualifier.

Team in the Milky Way was so different than team in Pegasus. Even when midway was operational and the trip was quicker, they were still on their own, the bridge only enough to send people not the larger firepower they needed. By the time help arrived, it was almost too late. SG-1 had been in some hairy situations, but they had all of Earth’s resources at their back, Atlantis had never had that. 

People grew and changed or they transferred back or died. Rodney had grown in ways most of the SGC could not and would never understand. It frustrated John, that Rodney just took it with his usual disinterested stare. He wished Rodney would stand up and yell about it, like he did for so many other things. But he never did, he just glared and stopped replying.

“Yes,” he finally said, looking at O’Neill, not backing down, not on this. He could feel his shoulders drawing back a bit, ready to fight it. 

O’Neill shrugged and turned, dragging Carter with him to explore the rooms, denying John of a fight he wished he could have. He made a mental note to get Ronon to train with him a little bit longer later in the day. The bruises and sore joints would be worth it if he could keep his temper in check. John followed O’Neill, ready to answer questions as needed.

Luckily it was a short trip, they were bedrooms and for all the world the Ancients were ancient, a stove was a stove. Showers universal. 

“Fixed?” John asked, looking at the transporter and Rodney shook his head not looking up from whatever he was reading. 

“No, powers fluctuating again, better not risk it,” he said, still sitting where he was, having not moved a muscle. Rodney might complain about aches and pains, but when it came down to it he could stay as still as needed. Teyla hadn’t moved in the past hour, but John thought she looked a little bit better because of it. 

“Alrighty then, back to the stairs it is,” he said raising a hand in goodbye. 

“’m gonna stay,” Ronon said, shooting a look that John privately referred to as his ‘im going to make life harder and smile while doing it.’

“That’s fine,” he said slowly, looking at Ronon suspiciously. “We’re going to look at the drone cache next.”

Ronon sat down in next to Rodney, stretching out along the hall wall, waiting for Rodney to straighten his legs without disturbing Teyla before resting his head on a thigh. Rodney waited until Ronon was settled before dropping the tablet so he could still work without bothering Ronon. Ronon was settled in a matter of seconds, his breathing slowing and the tension leaving his body, looking years younger.

John was envious, for so many reasons. 

He wished SG-1 wasn’t there and he could just drop down, to relax with the three people he trusted and loved the most in this galaxy and the next. He wanted the four of them to be back in the Pegasus galaxy like they should, away from all of this bullshit and IOA’s gerrymandering. Mostly, mostly he just wanted to plop down on Rodney’s lap and fall asleep against that broad chest, feel those thick arms wrap around him and hold him tight, let Rodney’s warmth lull him into a deep sleep. It hit him again, just how much he _wanted_ and how little he could have.

It made an ache start up in his chest and he was glad Rodney didn’t look at him because he wasn’t sure he would be able to stop himself, audience bedamned. 

Swallowing and heart heavy, he turned and plastered a smile on his face. “Come on, let the kids have their afternoon nap while I show you the drones.”

“Bye Dad,” Ronon and Rodney chorused together, resulting in matching chuckles. 

John grinned, flipping them off without even looking back as he led SG-1 away. As soon as they were out the door, he turned down the opposite hallway, the grin fading and he fought the dramatic annoyed sigh he wanted to let out. He wasn’t ten anymore. He didn’t get to stomp his feet and complain.

“McKay always that cuddly?” O’Neill asked, and he could almost hear the gears turning in O’Neill’s head, fitting a new puzzle piece into whatever picture he had.

“He’s a tactile person,” John said diplomatically as he led them down another two flights of stairs. 

Rodney was more than tactile, he touched. It was his best and worst trait. He used all of his senses, smell, taste, sight, sound and touch. He touched everything, from doors to people. Fingers on a wrist, a hand on a shoulder, directing the world to flow the way he wanted it too. A conductor of matter streams only he could see. John never complained, leaning into the small touches more and more. John had had more than one dream about those hands touching him, and had woken up hard and aching because of it. O’Neill didn’t say anything as they walked down a hallway, only to climb two flights of stairs, getting incredulous looks from the rest of the team. 

“Who designed this place?” Mitchell asked, irritation in his voice as they finally got into the transporter. 

“The structural engineers have a bet going whether it was a wraith torture prison or drunk monkeys,” John explained, nodding his head towards a door that led to an empty room that prevented them from taking an easier route. “I think it was done on purpose. Hard to chase people if you don’t know where you’re going. Easy to get lost, wander into a lab that’s filled with something dangerous, lots of ambush points, easy to get locked in and die and no one could ever find you.”

The silence that followed was charged. John knew that hadn’t been subtle but the ache was still there and his patience for subtle had mostly stayed with his team, comfortable and secure and together. And without him. He felt lonely in that moment and he hated it. It had been a long time since he had felt that, and he could remember how it used to be, the cold ache in his bones. He never wanted to feel that again. He wanted Atlantis back where she belonged, with people who understood and wouldn’t cause the casualty list to increase through stupidity. 

“Point taken,” O’Neill said and John looked at him, seeing the understanding and John sighed. 

“Sorry sir, it’s just…frustrating,” he said, so many meanings behind his word. 

O’Neill nodded and didn’t reply which just served to frustrated him even more. He understood, he did. He didn’t always follow it, but he knew chain of command, he knew about orders, and he knew about things that he couldn’t change. He had always chafed against that knowledge, it was the knife in his back more often than not. He wanted to change things, and he couldn’t. And not being able to went against his nature. Letting logic win was always a hard-fought battle, and John thought the price was in his soul. 

Opening the transporter, he waited for everyone to cram inside before he followed, hitting the button that would take him to their next tour stop, and away from where he wanted to be.

* * *

A few days later John had gotten Ronon to agree to show the visitors some of their combat classes. Unlike the Atlantis Marines, most of the ones on loan from SGC tended to avoid Ronon when he was training, and John didn’t have the heart to order it. He wanted them to go back to Pegasus, and he didn’t want any of the too confident smug marines to come with them. They had never seen entire villages culled, they had never seen the desiccated remains of a small child, aged beyond their years. They had never seen those horrors and while John hoped they never would have too, but it still frustrated him. 

They weren’t SGC, John knew a lot of the folks on Atlantis were the cast offs, people who didn’t fit into the proper command structure at the SGC and so they were the black sheep. But he had hoped their saving of the world from the wraith would have gotten rid of a few of the looks, but it only seemed to have made it worse. And he knew Ronon had seen it as well, and he was worried if Ronon sparred with them he would be harder than he usually was. 

“So, Ronon does all the training?” O’Neill asked and John shrugged.

“Not as much, the longer serving marines know the basics and so they train the new recruits. Eventually Ronon does do one on one with all of them, and teaches the advanced classes to people who want them. Teyla does as well, but she deals mostly with the civilians,” John explained.

“All the civilians fight?” O’Neill asked sharply.

John nodded. “And they all know how to handle a gun. If we get wraith in the city there’s no guarantee the military will get there quickly. Atlantis is large and spread out. They need to be able to defend themselves. It might not work, but at least it gives them a chance.”

O’Neill looked at John, and he looked back steadily. He knew it wasn’t SOP, but he didn’t care. He had woken the damn things and he would do his best to make sure there were as few casualties as possible. Finally, O’Neill nodded, and John could see the understanding and respect. 

“Even Woolsey can fight now,” John added after a moment, just to see the slightly shocked look that crossed the Generals face.

“Really?” O’Neill asked disbelievingly.

“Really, he started almost as soon as he got here. I think the whole replicator take over changed his mind, he’s not really good but he can be mean and that works in his favor.”

“Richard Woolsey, mean?”

“When it comes between him and living? Yes. Not as mean as McKay though,” John said with a chuckle.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, McKay’s got the one of the strongest survival instincts I’ve ever seen. He does dumb shit all the time, but he’s stubborn and he wants to live and will do anything to live. One time, Sergeant Maldonado challenged Rodney to a fight and as soon as it started McKay kicked him in the balls. The Sergeant called foul of course but according to McKay ‘I didn’t learn to fight because I wanted to kick ass, I learned to fight because I don’t want to die, and if gets to a point where I’m in hand to hand combat then I’m going to do everything I can to win’,” John chuckled at the memory. “No one’s challenged him to fight since.”

O’Neill was smiling at that. “Did they give McKay trouble for that.”

John shook his head. “Nah, most people understood. Its why we separate the civilian and solider training unless someone asks for a cross over, different strokes.” 

“And the scientists, they don’t complain?” This came from Carter who was listening in on the conversation even as she watched Ronon and one of the captains circle each other warily. 

“They did in the beginning, but between the ones who go off world surviving more after the training, and the fact that most of them slept better with a bit of exercise, they stopped. Didn’t even need to get McKay to yell at them.”

John held his breath as the Captain charged in and grabbed with Ronon and for a few seconds it looked like he almost had him in a hold, but then Ronon flipped him to the floor and pinned him, holding him until someone called time and he stood up. 

“Next,” he called as he grabbed a bottle of water to take a mouthful.

“Does he ever lose?” O’Neill asked, watching as the Captain was helped up with a clap on his back and an icepack.

“No,” John said simply. “Your Teal’c almost got him, but then Colonel Carter shut down the fight.”

“So, don’t fight him is what I’m hearing.”

“I wouldn’t recommend even trying,” Mitchell spoke up from where he was sitting down on the bench, still sore from his bout a couple days ago.

“It gets easier,” he offered up, smirking at Mitchell’s dark look. 

John heard the door whoosh open and he turned his head, fighting down the smile as Rodney walked in, his face tucked into his datapad and ignoring everyone else. It was always amusing to see everyone move out of his way without making a big deal of it. Sometimes Rodney would complain about the lack of respect he got, but he never saw the respect that was there. People made way for him when he was like this, obviously working on something.

“Come to fight?” John called out to Rodney. 

Rodney glanced up and around the room and grimaced at John, flicking his fingers at him in annoyance, head dropping back down to his tablet as he headed over to Ronon. John was always amused at what Rodney would do instead of flipping him off. Flicking his fingers, flapping a hand at him, John had even seen him biting his thumb at some of the IOA members more than once. It had taken everything in his power not to burst out laughing the first time he had seen it. It was antiquated considering everything else about Rodney was light years ahead, it was a charming quirk. 

Skirting around a cluster of marines, Rodney stopped next to Ronon who was watching with amusement, reached down and grabbed Ronon’s gun. It wasn’t his imagination when the whole room when deadly quiet, he was sure he even heard someone gasp.

“I have an idea, I’ll bring this back,” Rodney said without looking up from his data pad. 

John bit the inside of his cheek when all Ronon did was nod his head as he finished up his water. Rodney left the room without ever really looking up again, datapad in one hand and gun in the other, not realizing how silent it was. He would never truly understand Rodney and Ronon’s relationship, the way the two of them continually circled around each other, looking for something only they knew, but would fight anyone who insulted the other. They respected each other, more than people thought they did, and he knew they talked about a whole host of things. 

Ronon was curious, he was always watching and learning, picking up a thousand skills especially since he had decided he wanted to learn more about computers. Rodney was the same way, he had never met a puzzle he didn’t want to solve. Just like Teyla and Rodney, Rodney and Ronon were like siblings, constantly beating each other up but standing firm against anyone else. Somehow, Rodney had come to the galaxy and found two siblings who would beat him up and beat others up for him. 

“Can I borrow it after?” John called out, breaking the silence.

“Not on your life Sheppard,” Ronon replied.

“How is that fair?” he whined, crossing his arms across his chest. 

Ronon grinned at him, a wide smile that stretched across his face and made him ten years younger. It was a smile that had taken awhile to show up on Ronon, but John was glad for it every time he saw it. 

“You just want to shoot holes in things, McKay is probably going to make it better,” Ronon replied. 

“It does make a nice boom.”

Ronon rolled his eyes and turned back to the marine who was standing ready and John shifted, glancing out of the corner of his eye to see O’Neill watching him with the same look many CO’s had given him over the years. That his actions and words didn’t match up and they were wary of him because of it. It was look that could get him into trouble, even if he was sure O’Neill did actually like him and didn’t want to ruin his career. Despite trying to fire him twice during the replicator rescue. 

“Sir?” he asked wondering what the look was for. 

“Is that a safety thing?” O’Neill asked, pitching his voice lower and leaning in, keeping it between them.

John frowned, before remembering the conversation from a couple days ago in the hallway with Teyla and Rodney. He shrugged and took a moment to try and collect his thoughts. “Ronon knows that McKay won’t break it, because there’s very little that McKay can break,” he said finally. “He doesn’t mind me using it, he just gives me shit all the time because he can.”

O’Neill stared at him and he looked back evenly, wishing once more he could explain how teams on Atlantis were really. AR-1 wasn’t even an outlier, Lorne had the same closeness with his, Teldy with hers, every single team worked together in their own way. John had always given them a lot of leeway, wanting the teams to connect and work together on the field. They needed to have each other’s backs. He wasn’t going to stand in the way of them connecting, not when he had managed to find a team he connected with. 

He fought to keep himself from shrugging under the weight of O’Neill’s gaze, knowing it wouldn’t help his case. He wondered what the General saw, no one had a poker face like O’Neill, not when he wanted to have one. For all of his casual method of command, O’Neill was just as much career military as some of the hardened CO’s he had had. He just hid it behind a veneer of affability. 

Finally, O’Neill turned without saying anything and the tension that had drawn John’s spine up straight settled, but he still found himself with his shoulders back more than normal. Whatever O’Neill was thinking, he hoped it would good and wouldn’t result in him not living on Atlantis. He didn’t want to live somewhere without Rodney, Ronon and Teyla only a brisk walk away. 

He’d steal the city before he allowed that to happen.


	2. Chapter 2

Rodney and Keller break up. 

John isn’t surprised, and he hates himself just a little bit when he realizes he is glad for it. The petty side of him wishes it was a down and dirty screaming match in the middle of the mess hall, but it hadn’t been. It had been simple, two people who figured out they didn’t work together and so they simply separated. All adult like and responsible. 

Or so John heard from Lorne who heard from Parrish who heard it from Miko who heard from Zelenka who heard it from Beckett who heard it from Marie who heard from Biro who heard it from Chuck who had overheard Rodney and Keller talking about it. 

Mostly John just wants to know how Lorne kept a straight face while telling him. 

John hates that he’s happy about this, he shouldn’t be happy, he wants Rodney to be happy. He loves the smile on Rodney’s face when something is making him happy. Except, whenever it was Keller doing that, making Rodney smile, the curl of jealousy and anger in his gut was so strong sometimes it almost made him double over sick. As a result, he knew his relationship with Keller had suffered for it, and he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

He shouldn’t feel this way, he was still with Alice, they’re still working out. Better than he had expected, better than a lot of people had expected if what he overheard Chuck and Amelia talking about was true. The dates are fun, it’s exciting to be able to leave the city and not have to worry about the wraith, or something blowing up. The sex is good, it reminds him a lot of his times with Elizabeth. It was fun, both the act and the aftermath, laying there talking, laughing at the antics of the city and its inhabitants. It’s bittersweet and it’s good. Alice reminded him of his marriage with Nancy, the quiet conversations in the dark of the night, the upside being Alice knows what he does and he never has to hide that part of him. 

He just wishes that he could say it’s great.

If he had never met McKay, he had no doubt that it would be great.

Even now, laying in the bed feeling her curl up around him he just feels relaxed. They had had a nice dinner with their friends, had gone for a walk after and had ended up back in her room where they had watched half a movie before getting distracted and ending up in bed. It had been _good_.

He rubbed a hand over his face wishing he could stop using the term good. Good was good, good in of itself was great. It was better than anything else he had had. Teyla and Ronon got along with Alice, Lorne liked her, everyone liked her. McKay and her didn’t get a long the best but there were a whole host of reasons for that, mostly starting and ending with the replicator machine cold war the two Doctors had started. Sure, she was allowed to work, to look into any of the research done both by them and the Ancients. Rodney had even let her into Janus’s lab with Jackson’s supervision to look at his work on the nanite technology. there was just no way she was ever going to get to the machine. 

If John was letting himself be selfish, he expected their romantic relationship didn’t help Rodney and Alice’s working one, in the same way his and Keller’s had suffered.

John bit back a groan and shifted, moving to sit up and lean against the headboard, knowing sleep would elude him. Alice shifted and curled up closer, an arm wrapped around his hips. He looked down at her, taking in her delicate features, and smooth forehead. She didn’t have nightmares, not like he did, even now. She was good about them as well, not mad when he woke up in the middle of the night gasping out names that were not her own. He had so many ghosts, and it was a roulette each night. She was amazing, she should be amazing. But John wanted something else. He wanted _someone_ else. 

Realizing he wasn’t going to get to sleep, not with everything running through his mind, he got up quietly and grabbed his clothes, grimacing when his phone banged on the floor. 

“Sorry,” he said glancing over to her and seeing she had woken up. 

She yawned, curling around her pillow instead of him. “Something wrong?” 

“Can’t sleep, going for a walk,” he explained, trying his best not to be curt. It wasn’t her fault she wasn’t the person he wanted, even if he was doing his best to be the person she deserved. 

“Try to come back before morning,” she said a sly smile on her face, not put out in the slightest. “We can have some more fun before I have to get into the lab.”

John forced a grin at that and nodded. “Sounds like a deal,” he said as he finished getting dressed. She drifted back to sleep easily, and he was glad for it, that the goodbye meant an easy getaway. Grabbing his boots and sidearm he left the room, pausing to lean against the wall to slide his feet into the boots, checking the safety on his weapon and sliding it into its holster before beginning to wander.

John was beginning to wonder if this relationship would go the same way as his marriage, the familiar itching sensation between his shoulder blades, making him chafe sometimes. It made him want to do something drastic but he was older now, and he knew better. With Nancy, he had felt the sensation, especially towards the ending of the relationship and the unease. He didn’t have a name or a reason, it was just a gut feeling he could never get rid of.

He had thought it was Nancy, with her worried eyes and pleading words asking him not to go back, to just retire and come home safely. But when he was on base, it was there as well, right between his shoulder blades, making him want to do nothing but destroy everything. The only time the itch was gone was when he was up in the sky, his mind focused on flying. He got it on Atlantis sometimes, when the days were long or he felt crowded in by everyone around. He knew he wasn’t in the minority, that there were too many people around, especially now that they were back on Earth.

He turned suddenly, punching the wall, feeling the sharp pain in his knuckles, but nothing broke, not even the skin. He was glad no one was around to see him lose his temper, he made sure to keep it on a tight leash most of the time. None of his people needed to see their Military Commander lose his shit. Groaning, he kept walking, trying not to think about where he was going, but not surprised when he found himself on the pier

He was less surprised to find Rodney sitting at the edge. He hesitated in the door for a second before walking down and joining him. 

Not saying a word, he dropped down next to Rodney and laid back, fingers lacing over his stomach, legs dangling off the edge, not saying a word. He kept his eyes on the sky, San Francisco’s cloudy weather blocking the stars making him hate Earth just a little bit more. 

He stayed quiet, not sure what to say or how to start a conversation about a topic he didn’t have a name for. 

“I’d say beer for your thoughts but you didn’t bring any,” Rodney said finally and John couldn’t help the snort of laughter at that. 

“We’re on earth, you can get your own,” he replied tonelessly. 

In response John felt a bottle settle down on his chest and he grabbed it automatically, squinting at the dark tinted bottle with no label. 

“Ruus,” Rodney offered at his confused look. “Been saving it for well, something. I was hoping for something happy, but yet another relationship failure will work just as well I suppose.”

“Just because something doesn’t work out doesn’t mean it’s a failure,” John said, thinking of Nancy as he sat up and took a mouthful before handing it back over. “You know, calling that wine really is a misnomer,” he said swallowing the burning liquid. “Paint thinner maybe.”

“I like it, reminds me of good scotch almost. A really old scotch that costs more than a down payment on a house. I had a bottle in my apartment, but I drank it when we came back here after the siege. Needed something to just, get my mind of off everything that had happened. Good alcohol means no hangover, which is the big difference between scotch and Ruus I suppose.”

Rodney grimaced, taking another swallow and handing it back. John took it, rolling the bottle between his hands, looking out over the bay towards San Francisco’s lights. They were pretty, beacons of prosperity and happiness, homes built between so many different people, it was enough to make his chest squeeze and his breath shorten. Even from a distance, knowing how many people there terrified him in a way. All those people who could barely take care of themselves, constantly a stone’s throw away from annihilation. At least in the Pegasus galaxy natives knew how to handle themselves in a fight. 

“I wish those lights were in the sky,” he admitted softly, looking up at the sky and remembering the last time he was on the pier with Rodney. “You could show me your favorite constellation.”

“It’s hard to see this time of the year.”

He can sense Rodney looking at him and John felt familiar fuck you attitude that had gotten him in trouble for most of his career rearing its ugly head. He shifted, pressing against Rodney shoulder to knee. He took another mouthful when he felt he other man tense for a second before they were leaning against each other.

“You okay?” he asked, handing the wine back.

“I’m less okay with how okay I am,” Rodney replied. “Jennifer was great, she was gorgeous and smart, we got along, the sex was frankly fantastic and she is such a _nice person_.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Rodney took a long swallow and shook his head. “Am I an asshole for thinking it might be? She’s so nice and I’m not. And none of my friends are, none of us are. We’re all assholes in our own way.”

“Teyla’s not an asshole.”

“She just hides it better, but she has her moments as well. Jennifer doesn’t. I’ve never met someone with that much optimism, and to keep it even after everything we’ve been through?” Rodney sounded incredulous as he took another long swallow. 

John could see a flush on his cheeks, and he wondered how long Rodney had been sitting here by himself while he had been having fun with Alice and he felt a shame he knew was unreasonable build in his gut. 

“Is that why you broke up?” he asked softly, reaching and taking the wine back, his fingers brushing against Rodney’s accidently on purpose. 

“Partly yes. Partly she wanted to move back to Earth and I said no. Partly that I don’t know if I can be with someone who doesn’t understand that sometimes there are bad people who want to do bad things. I think she’d give a wraith a chance if she could, and not one of the somewhat not-so-horrible wraith. And mostly, we just…make better friends,” Rodney said the last with a sigh. “I love her, I do. I just don’t think I’m in love with her, and it’s not fair to keep being with her when the love I feel for you is so much more than it could ever be.”

John choked on the wine, Rodney catching him just as he was swallowing. He managed to get most of it down, only spilling a little bit as he glared at his friend. Rodney just grinned back at him, clearly having timed that perfectly on purpose. “Dick,” he said even as he slumped more heavily against Rodney. 

“Still?” He could hear how small his voice was, unsure. 

Rodney snorted and took the wine back. ”I’m not known for being a casual person Colonel.”

John didn’t think casual could be applied to Rodney in any sense of the word. The man even slept dramatically, all splayed out like he was trying to be his own bedcovers. John had been kicked more times than not when they had been forced to share off world quarters. The worst part was, they were some of his best memories.

“No, I don’t suppose you are,” he said after a moment, softly. He wished they were back in Pegasus, where he could rest his chin on Rodney’s shoulder, watch his profile and just smile. This wasn’t Pegasus, and there were more patrols. Sitting this close, sharing wine, that could be team helping team after a breakup. “I wish —,”

“—how’s Dr. Harper?” Rodney interrupted squeezing his thigh. 

He was glad for their friendship, that he didn’t need to speak to be understood. He didn’t mind talking to Rodney, he hadn’t in a long time. He could say everything he needed to tell Rodney, he could watch the understanding and hurt cloud his featured. But Rodney was smart, he knew the status quo and he wasn’t going to push it. John wondered if Rodney felt the same way, that once the words were out there the actions would follow. 

“Good, she’s good, we’re good, everything is fucking good,” he said, more bitterly than he intended. 

“Say good again, maybe I’ll believe it.”

John groaned and grabbed the wine back, taking a long pull of it, ignoring the burning in his throat and in the pit of his stomach. “We’re fine, things are good. But that’s it, it’s good. She understands my job responsibilities, she understands that sometimes I have to leave mid date, she understands I have nightmares. We can talk about movies, we enjoy the same things. We’re going to the mainland this weekend to go rock climbing.”

“Did you tell her the city is right here if she wants, you climb it often enough. Maybe you can be exciting and use rope this time?”

John flicked Rodney’s leg and sighed. “It’s all just…good you know?”

“What’s wrong with good?”

“I want great.”

“So why aren’t they great.”

“I don’t know why,” he said lying through his teeth. He knew why, the why was sitting right next to him touching him and a thousand miles away at the same time. 

“Liar.”

“Yeah.”

John glanced at Rodney, seeing the look of heartbreak and he knows he has a matching look on his face. 

He wishes, he wishes he wasn’t the fucking CO, he wishes he was brave enough to throw his middle fingers up to almost twenty years of service and determination. He wishes. He’s wished for a lot of things in his life and none of them had come true so why would this be any different. 

Rodney shifted, taking the wine back, but leaving the backs of their hand touching. A single added point and suddenly John felt like he was fifteen, all sweaty palms and hormones, on a date with his first girlfriend, trying to get the courage to take her hand. He wasn’t fifteen and he had just had enough alcohol to dull the edge of smart decisions. He moved his hand, turning and pressing their palms together. 

His palms weren’t sweaty now but his heart was still rabbiting like he was a teenager. He felt Rodney’s fingers slide between his own and he closed his eyes, pretending for a moment that this was normal for them, that it was something they had done a thousand times. He closed his grip and forced himself not to think, not to worry right then. Honestly if his heart didn’t slow down he wouldn’t have to worry for too much longer, not with the heart attack that felt like it was coming. 

“So, make things great,” Rodney said softly.

And wasn’t that the bitch of the situation, the theme song to his fucking life. What he wanted in the palm of his hand, but what he could have back in her room. 

“I don’t think I can, maybe I should settle for good.”

Rodney sighed next to him. “Don’t settle, just try and make it better. You deserve to be happy John, I want you to be happy and if you can’t be happy here, then you should be there.”

“I hated Keller, and I hated myself for hating her,” John chose to reply. “You deserve to be happy as well.”

“I am happy.”

“Happier then.”

“Right now, I’m ecstatic.”

There was no teasing, no joking in Rodney’s tone. Just honest truth and John swallowed, turning his head to look at Rodney. The light out here was poor, no moons and stars to light them like they did in Pegasus, but John could still see the honesty on Rodney’s face and he felt like his own looked wrecked.

“This is pathetic,” he said trying for teasing and falling short by a smile. 

Rodney snorted anyway. “This is American repression at its finest.”

John couldn’t help it and dropped his forehead until it was resting on Rodney’s shoulder. He felt the same familiar need to crawl into Rodney’s lap and just let the other man wrap him up in strong arms. He opened his mouth to say anything but nothing came out, he didn’t know what he could say. He felt lips brush against his forehead and he squeezed his eyes shut, wondering how he had gotten to a point where that simple action was enough to have brought him to his knees if he had been standing. He had been in the military for half of his life, he had been in love many times before, but all it took was one cranky double doctorate CSO to make him want to believe in romantic movies and happy endings. 

“You’re bad for my blood pressure,” he said instead. 

“I’m bad for most people’s blood pressure, including my own.” 

John snorted, not wanting to raise his head and break this moment. He needed too, it had gone longer than it should have but it was so nice, to be resting here and being allowed to feel without a thousand eyes judging him. 

“Kobayashi maru,” he muttered into Rodney’s shoulder. 

“You’re such a nerd, I don’t know how people don’t see it,” Rodney said fondly, dropping another kiss on his forehead. “Don’t be so nihilistic, it’s my job.”

Sighing, he pulled back, raising his head and detangling their fingers. His hand felt cold, the warmth leeching away, and he flexed his hand trying to stop the sensation. “Sometimes you make me feel like a thirteen-year-old girl.”

“Way too hairy to be a thirteen-year-old girl Colonel,” Rodney shot back, finishing the last of the Ruus. “And I’m balding way too quickly.”

“So, what’s Keller going to do now?” he asked, forcing himself to lean back on his hands and look out over the bay. 

“She’s going to find us a new CMO, or promote one of the Doctors, and see if she can transfer to the SGC or to one of the auxiliary bases,” Rodney explained. “And hopefully say yes to Colonel Mitchell.”

That caught Johns attention and he tilted his head. “Mitchell?” he asked. 

Rodney grinned, wide and mischievous. “Oh yes, I’ve never seen someone try to be so falsely sympathetic for a break up in my life.”

“He’s interested in her?”

“I think so, or me, which I really hope he isn’t,” Rodney said with a grimace. “One sloppy Colonel is enough thank you.”

“I resent that.”

“So, do the marines who have to wash the sloppy uniform.”

John made a face at Rodney. “I could see it working,” he said carefully, watching Rodney out of the corner of his eye. For all Rodney said he was okay, he did wonder if that wasn’t the whole truth. 

“Could you imagine? They’d be so courteous and nice to each other, always looking out for _feelings_ and never ever forgetting important dates,” Rodney said with a grimace. ”Saving kittens and having a thousand little babies, it’s disgusting.”

John laughed at the ‘ew’ on Rodney’s face, the thought of constantly being nice confusing. “Probably saving the world as well, if she stays at the SGC.”

“Probably.”

Rodney was silent for a moment. “If he doesn’t ask her out by the end of the month I’m going to lock them in a closet until he asks and she answers. Hopefully with a yes, but if not, well then I’ll buy him some alcohol.”

“How romantic of you.”

“It’s all altruistic I assure you. I love cats.”

* * *

John didn’t know how he had been drawn into this. His day had started well. He had woken up, improved his run time, and managed to get to the mess hall in time to have some of the real bacon that had been disappearing like water through a sieve. The not-bacon they had gotten from the bat like creature was fine, but there was just something special about real pork. 

Bacon had been good. Being drawn into a group dinner date to say goodbye to Mitchell and Vala with his team, SG-1 and respective partners wasn’t good. 

To make it worse, Rodney wasn’t there. 

No one had seen him all day, and when they had tried to contact him they had gotten a tersely worded message that boiled down to ‘fuck off im busy’. It annoyed John that Rodney wasn’t here, for a whole host of reasons. He wanted someone to commiserate with, Teyla was too polite to bitch in front of outsiders and Ronon and Amelia were doing the newly-in-love couple gazing that John remembered from his early twenties. He forgot how young Ronon was sometimes, until it slapped him in the face in moments like these. 

Mostly, he was selfish. Ever since holding Rodney’s hand he had found himself drawn to Rodney, more so than usual, forgoing lunches with Alice to spend time with Rodney, bugging him about what he was working on. He knew deep down that what he was doing was wrong, but with the added stress the military rotations were giving him, he found he didn’t care. 

Everyone else was having fun, smiles and good food. Vala was teasing Daniel, all eye rolls and quiet amusement. Carter and O’Neill were just whispering to each other, a commentary that John was sure were nothing but loving disparaging remarks. Teyla had managed to draw Ronon and Amelia into a discussion on bantos rods versus bo staffs. 

The big surprise was Mitchell and Keller.

John had been surprised when it had only taken a week for Mitchell to screw up his courage and ask Keller out. Since then, they had been on a few dates and according to gossip, it had been sweet. John could see the newness in their relationship, the smiles and awkward edges that would round out once they learned how to move around each other. He was happy for them, he was. But seeing Keller reminded him of Rodney and it just sent his mood spiraling. 

He slouched down in his seat even further, feeling his jeans tugging at his legs and he wished he was wearing his BDU’s. The jeans were a lot tighter than he preferred, his legs more muscular than they had been when he had bought them before Atlantis. They felt like they were wrapping around, cutting off the circulation in his skin, and he could feel the waist band digging into his hips. He didn’t like it. The button-down shirt was fine, soft and worn by age, a relic of his life before Atlantis. He shifted again and felt Alice touch his arm and he turned, managing to smile at her without difficulty. 

“You okay?” she asked softly.

“Forgot how tight jeans were,” he admitted. “Don’t think I’ve worn them in a few years.”

Alice snorted at that, covering her mouth with a hand and patted him on the leg, her hand resting there. “Oh, the trials and tribulations of the modern military man,” she teased. “Visually though, I appreciate it.” She winked at him and reached for her wine, her smile speaking of her happiness. 

John watched her, the smile staying on his face, wishing the feeling of good would grow. They had been together for over six months by now, and it had been a good, fun and exciting six months. But now, more often than not John found himself remembering the night on the pier a month ago, and how good it felt to just hold McKay’s hand. He knew it wasn’t fair to compare them, but as time passed more and more he found himself doing it. The blue eyes and spitfire temper that had drawn him to Alice just made it easier to compare. He felt like shit for the comparison. 

“McKay?”

John started at the sound, wondering for a brief heart stopping moment if he had been speaking out loud, but it was only the everyone’s attention focused behind him that calmed his fear. Schooling his expression, he turned, spotting McKay who looked like a deer in headlights. 

“Hey buddy,” he said slowly, like he was speaking to a spook animal. “Decided to join us?” 

Rodney winced and John felt the little bit of hope that his boredom would be alleviated die. “Uh…no.”

Rodney looked around, looking for an escape before a look of resignation crossed his face and he walked over “Meeting an old friend,” he said by way of explanation, one hand dropping to the back of Johns chair. 

John felt the heat of his knuckles, and he shifted, ostensibly to see him better, but in reality, he just wanted to feel those that against his shoulder. Rodney shifted his hand, pressing into shoulder harder. That little brand of warmth settled him more than it had any right too, and John was sure he wasn’t lying to himself when Rodney seemed to relax as well. 

“A date?” John heard Keller ask sharply, and he turned his head incredulously in time to see her flush, clearly realizing how she sounded, considering where and who she was with. He turned back to watch Rodney, catching the end of an eyeroll at Keller. 

“Uh…no,” Rodney said again, prevaricating. 

Rodney seemed to have settled, accepted his face, but John could feel the flexing of knuckles against his back belying his nervousness. Rodney’s hand settled finally and John watched the small tilt of his chin that spoke of a stubborn decision. Despite the comfort he was taking in the small touch, he found himself wary of Rodney’s wariness. It was incongruous with how he usually was and John been in too many tense situations not to have a finely attuned meter to bullshit, especially his team. 

“One of my college roommates.”

“MIT?” John asked. “Or Caltech?”

Rodney’s hand flexed, the only tell that Rodney was irritated with the questions, and with John in particular. It made John want to ask more questions and find out why Rodney was acting weird. 

“Neither,” Rodney said shortly. “So, you guys just finishing?” he asked hopefully.

“Just got here,” Carter said, sounding amused and John watched as Rodney’s face fell. John felt like he was off world, a dart bearing down and only a few seconds to decide. Tense, anxious and not sure what was going to happen. 

His mind went through a myriad of different options. There was no reason for Rodney to be as suspicious as he was. Was Rodney interviewing for another job? Was he going to leave Atlantis. Was it actually a date? All of those filled him with dread. If Rodney was leaving John didn’t know what he would do, he couldn’t imagine Atlantis without Rodney. Despite their feelings and everything that had been happening between them, Rodney was still his best friend. He knew he could rely on him when things were tough. More than one night after losing people had been spent with each other, comfort in not being alone. 

If it was a date he knew he didn’t have a leg to stand on. It would make him as hypocritical as Keller had been, worse even. He could feel Alice’s hand on his leg, and Rodney’s knuckles digging into his back and he knew which one he wanted to push into. He hated the idea of Rodney being with someone that wasn’t him. He wanted Rodney to be happy, but he didn’t want him to be with someone. It made him feel sick with shame, but emotions had never been rational. 

“Hey, our table is ready,” a new voice said. 

John watched as a lithe woman almost the same height as Rodney stop next to him and hook their arms together with ease. She looked to be about the same age as he did, with long straight dark hair that was beginning to show streaks of gray. She had dark brown eyes and a bright smile, the sort of face that spoke of good clean living. 

John hated her on sight. 

“Who are your friends?” she continued, looking around the table with an open bright smile. 

“These are my…coworkers,” Rodney got out, his jaw tense. “Coworkers, this an old friend of mine, Dr. Jenny Zhang.”

“It’s lovely to meet all of you coworkers,” she said with a roll of the eyes that spoke of prolonged exposure to Rodney. “You all work with him on his base?”

“His base?” Carter asked amused. 

“It’s what he told me it was, some science department on some classified military base,” she said, nudging Rodney in the side. “Personally, I just find it odd since I thought he was a musician.”

“Musician?” he heard Teyla ask. He was glad someone else had asked it, especially since it meant he could keep an eye on Rodney, seeing him close his eyes and let out a long soft sigh. John felt the anger and jealousy give way to confusion. 

“I met Jenny at Berkley, I had a slight…breakdown in my early twenties, thought I would give up science forever, went back to school, got a PhD in music theory, to da,” Rodney explained. 

“You went _back_ …to school? To get a _third_ PhD? To _relax_?” O’Neill asked incredulously. 

“Yeah, so?” Rodney said jutting his chin out. “I found school relaxing, and I wasn’t about to go and get a degree in _English_. Music makes sense.”

Now Rodney sounded like himself, belligerent and irritated that people were questioning him. He glanced at Dr. Zhang and saw she looked amused, a sharp intelligence belaying her previous innocent remark. She caught him looking and she winked at him quickly, and John felt equal parts irritation and amusement. Clearly, she knew what she had been doing when she had spoken, and Rodney had fallen hook line and sinker. He was irritated she knew him so well and irritated even more that he wished he had a gun. It was a miracle he wasn’t glowing green. 

“I was working on my business PhD and was looking for a roommate, Rodney applied and we met and somehow got along and that was that. It helped he came with a cat,” Dr Zhang explained patting Rodney on the arm. “Good old Curie, I miss that cat.”

Rodney’s face softened for a second before the same belligerent look crossed his face. “Yes yes yes.”

Rodney moved his hand away from the back of Johns chair and he felt the loss keenly, that spot between his shoulders that much colder than it had been. He wanted to throw his wine glass across the room. Rodney’s free arm was now waving in the air as he spoke, as if trying to brush away a past he clearly didn’t want to talk about. 

“It’s all very exciting, now you not only am I am scientific genius, I’m a music one as well. It was nice seeing you all but we need to go and eat before I fall into a hypoglycemic coma.”

Rodney sounded harried and Dr. Zhang just patted him on the arm, giving him the indulgent smile they all wore after prolonged exposure. 

“You could both join us,” he found himself offering, surprised at the honesty in the offer.

The little green monster was yelling, but the curiosity for Rodney’s past was outweighing the jealousy. He wanted to know everything, and after two glasses of wine, he cared a little bit less about the obviousness in his tone of voice. 

Rodney grimaced at the offer. “Uh...thank you Colonel but I really don’t want to be the odd wheel at this table with all the lovely couples, and I haven’t seen Jenny in years. I’d like to catch up and besides, I’ll see you all on base.”

Any good will he might have been trying to foster towards Dr. Zhang died in that moment. Rodney was hiding something and maybe he didn’t feel the need to share the table, but telling obvious lies was pinging every single negative sense he possessed. And he knew Rodney knew it, if the apologetic look shot his way was any indication. He breathed in deeply through his nose, trying to keep his temper in check, knowing he didn’t have a right and he was already pushing reasonable doubt. 

He didn’t know how he managed a smile and goodbye as Rodney and Dr. Zhang walked away, heading towards their table. He watched for a moment longer and did his best to school his features as he turned back around and reached for his glass of wine. Looking around the table, he could see the knowing and worried looks Ronon and Teyla shot him, but no one else seemed to have noticed it, thankfully. 

“Can you picture McKay playing music?” Carter asked. 

“Yes,” Ronon replied shortly as he reached for the bread basket. “Ever seen one? Knew a sitar player, hands always moving to some sort of beat. Reminds me of McKay, but less crazy.”

“He played as a kid,” John recalled, having overheard Rodney tell Ronon about it before.

Ronon nodded, slouching back and eating the bread he had grabbed. John was quiet, reaching for his wine glass and taking a large swallow. He felt Alice’s hand squeeze his thigh and he managed not to flinch. For a second, a brief moment, he had forgotten she was there. He swallowed the wine, and turned towards her forcing a smile onto his face. They had been together long enough that she knew it was a fake one, and she frowned at him clearly worried. 

“You okay?” she asked keeping her voice low.

For a moment, he hated her. Hated that she had seen something on his face that gave him away, hated that she was sitting there with her hand on his leg like it belonged. Her hand was too small, too gentle. It should be a larger hand, large enough to cover his thigh, a knee pressed tightly against him, shoulders bumping against a wider pair than his own. She fit against him perfectly, but he wanted to fit against someone else. 

He managed a tight smile when he realized he had been quiet for just a moment too long. 

“Just fine,” he said his voice sounding more normal than he had expected it to. She gave him a look that told him she didn’t believe him and he bit back a sigh. 

“Just, would have been nice to have the whole team together. And find out embarrassing stories about McKay. It’s always a good way to shut him up, I got weeks out of it after Jeannie was here,” he said doing his best to tell a believable lie. 

Alice didn’t deserve his hate. But even as he kept telling himself he could feel the jealousy and irritation growing. He finished off his third glass of wine and reached for the bottle, knowing it was a bad idea. But it had been a tough couple of months and some more wine wouldn’t hurt. 

Fuck it.

* * *

The thing was, John had been drinking since he was a teenager. His Dad had taught him about good scotch and whiskey when he was sixteen, allowing him small glasses whenever he had business partners over. The military and subsequent deployments had only added to knowledge of alcohol. He knew how and what to drink. His tolerance had taken a nose dive since coming to Atlantis, but he had enough experience to know what sort of drunk he was. 

John wasn’t a loud person, unless he had to be. He didn’t get clumsy, angry, weepy or anything else that would let on to the fact that that he was four sheets to the wind. John got serious. Especially when he was drinking wine, he was a maudlin wine drunk, prone to making life altering decisions and pushing everyone away, despite what his logical side told him. 

With every drink he felt himself shutting down more. He could talk, faking it had never been an issue, but even as everyone else was relaxing, enjoying the night as it went on, he found it harder and harder to even fake it. Ronon and Teyla kept shooting him looks but they knew him well enough not to make a scene, the most they were doing was making sure the wine bottle wasn’t put anywhere near him, with varying levels of success. 

Alice seemed unaware, although now and again he could see her shooting odd glances at him. He squeezed her hand when she rested it on his leg, not wanting to make more of a scene. The night finally wound down and they left, O’Neill putting the tab on the IOA which managed to bring even him to a quick smile.

As they headed out, he could see Rodney in the corner, head bent in close with Dr. Zhang, not even looking up to their called goodbyes, just a hand wave. He wished he had switched to harder alcohol, if only to forget the night. Making it back to Atlantis, the group split up, John heading to his room with Alice in tow and he wished she would go away. He wasn’t in the mood for company, but he didn’t know how to tell her that. He was afraid if he opened his mouth it would all come pouring out and she didn’t deserve so much of what he was doing. 

They made it to his room and stepped inside, and he wished he could slam the door closed, but he wasn’t that lucky. As soon as it was shut, Alice turned on him and planted her hands on her hips, irritation and apprehension on her face.

“What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?” he asked, drawing his vowels out like he had all the time in the world. 

“You were drinking like you were on a one-man express train to cirrhosis,” she said stepping closer, both hands coming to rest on his chest. She looked up at him, worry etched across her face and even though he was doing his best to shut down every single thing he was feeling, he knew that she didn’t have a face for worry, it made her look worn and tired and he hated himself for it. She should be smiling and carefree. “I’m worried is all, what’s up?” 

John just watched her. He was being a dick and it was more obvious now than ever, the world had shifted into blacks and whites, everything else muted. He rested his hands on top of hers, not saying anything for a second before he squeezed her hands, removing them from his chest and taking a large step back. 

“We could be together for years and I don’t think I’d fall in love with you.”

The sudden hurt, anger and confusion on her face was enough to make him wince. Even through the muted cloud hovering around him, he knew there had to have been a better way to say that.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

John sighed and dropped his head into his hands, cursing himself for doing this when he wasn’t capable of being gentle. Gentle had been left back in the restaurant, gentle had gone to the wayside when Dr. Zhang had looped her arm through Rodney’s and he had been left feeling nothing but rage at the injustice that he couldn’t do that himself. 

“Honestly, I don’t think I’m capable of falling in love, not anymore,” he admitted. He was good at taking the blame, it was easier than explaining the reason. 

He knew he wasn’t lying either, he wasn’t capable. Not when he felt more for one single infuriating man than he had for anyone else in his life. John would lay down his life for anyone on this base, but he would lay down the lives of everyone else for Rodney. And it terrified him. 

“One bad marriage isn’t enough to stop someone from loving,” Alice said, sounding gentler now as she stepped closer, trying to reach for his hands.

He shifted, denying her that and she dropped her hands back to her sides, the confusion plainer now. “It’s not that, my marriage to Nancy ended and I’m glad for it. She deserved better and she got it in the end. It’s me okay?”

Everyone knew John hated talking about his feelings, but he had gotten better. Teyla, Ronon, Rodney and even Elizabeth had been there for the moments when he finally got the words. He just hated feeling weak in front of people he was supposed to protect. He hated opening up to anyone, always positive it had caused more problems than not. Even telling Rodney how he felt had led him to this point, the jealousy and bitterness because he couldn’t have what he wanted. 

When it had all been locked away it had been easier.

He dropped his hands onto his hips and looked at Alice. She was silent as she processed everything he said. The itch between his shoulder blades was there. The overwhelming need to destroy. Like with Nancy, he wanted to rip all the good things out of his life because it was better than this constant state of yearning. He wanted to be happy, he wanted to be with someone who made him happy, he wanted to be with Rodney and all he could have was a beautiful woman in front of him who would never be enough. And he hated himself. 

He wanted to stop feeling. He hated feeling that one twenty-minute window of holding someone’s hand was almost better than the six months of fun dates and awesome sex. How was he supposed to quantify the difference and learn to be happy when it was all he could do not to touch his hand and trying to remember the feeling of strong fingers between his own. 

“We’re good together,” she said finally, slowly as if he was confused. 

“Like friends who fuck,” he said, harsher than he wanted to be, but unable to be gentler. 

“It’s more than that and you know it, don’t be a dick,” she snapped back.

The stubborn tilt of her chin and flashing eyes reminded him so much of Rodney. They were so similar in so many ways, it had been easy because she was as close as he could get to what he wanted and he knew that it wasn’t fair. Not for her. Not when he was so fucking head over heels for someone else that just the thought of Rodney having old friends was enough to send him into a funk like he hadn’t been since the first month in Antarctica. She wasn’t Dr. Rodney McKay and she never would be. And that would never be enough, not anymore. 

“That’s my point,” he said finally, his tone gentling because she had been right. She didn’t deserve him acting like a dick. “Not for me. I like you, we have fun and I enjoy spending time with you. But I don’t miss you.”

She could see her bottom lip tremble and the wetness in her eyes, but the determination was familiar. ”I’m not asking for a ring John.” 

“And I’m trying to make you see I’ll never be in a place where I’ll give you one.”

He was trying hard to keep his voice down, to keep it even and controlled but the longer he stood, the more time he was taking and he was starting to sober up, the harder it was. He wanted this to be done, and he knew it was his own fault for finding infuriating stubbornness attractive. 

“It’s only been six months!” 

“And it’s not going to be any more,” he said finally, wishing she had taken the step to cut it. It was always easier when someone else cut the cord, but right then he would be the villain in her story. 

The first tear dropped from her eye and he winced, taking a half-aborted gesture forward but stopped himself, knowing it wouldn’t be welcome. He had lost that right a few seconds ago. 

“It could be,” she said the pugnacious jut of her chin so familiar it made him ache so much more than he was expecting. “You could give it more of a chance, we’re happy.”

John wished she wasn’t arguing, wished he had been more of a dick through all of this, wished that he had never started this to begin with. He wished a lot of things, but right then he just wished he was alone. “I don’t want too. I’m sorry, I just…don’t.”

He wanted to add so much. Don’t see you are more than a friend. Don’t wish to hurt you. Don’t want to hate you because you’re not the man I love. Don’t want to be happy. 

Alice had tears running down her face by now, and John slowly and deliberately took two measured steps away and to the side, increasing the distance between them, and opening up her way to the door. It was obvious and intentioned and he could see when she got it, her lower lip trembling as she tried to keep control. 

“I am sorry,” he repeatedly softly, both arms coming behind him as he fell into parade rest. It was easier, to stand stiff and formal, not having to think about what his body was doing when his mind was gong a thousand miles an hour. 

She looked like she wanted to say something else, to keep fighting, but a second passed and her shoulders slumped, defeat the worst look on her and he hated himself for it. She nodded sharply, and left without another word. It was the easiest, and hardest, breakup he had ever faced. 

As soon as the door closed he could find himself relaxing. He kicked his shoes off, hearing them hit the wall with a satisfying thud. It only took a few more seconds for the rest of his clothes to follow his shoes into a pile, until he was left standing in his boxers and dog chains. Pulling off his boxers to join the pile, he looked down at the dog chains dangling on his chest, fingers curling around the edges. He wanted to yank, to rip the chain off and throw them across the room with the rest of his clothing. But duty won in the end and he pulled them off, dropping them onto the side table. For all of his faults, he had always been proud to wear the uniform, regardless of how frustrated it made him feel. 

He didn’t want to be military, he didn’t want to be Colonel John Sheppard. He wanted to be John.

Foregoing a shower, he dropped down onto his bed and pulled the covers up around his shoulders, pushing his head under the pillow. A hold over from times spent in barracks with too much noise and too little privacy. It was his own world under the thin pillow, the light and sound blocked out. 

He didn’t want to be awake, he didn’t want to think about how he had thrown something good away for something he couldn’t have. He didn’t want to be alone, but he wasn’t surprised that he was. After his court martial and Antarctica, he had learned how to be alone and he had been fine. Atlantis had ruined his ability to be functional while he was alone. Here he had found a new team, and for all he loved Mitch, Dex and Holland, he had found his family in Atlantis. They would never leave him alone, leave him behind and they would fight as hard as he did for the right thing. 

A small part of him wanted to go and find Teyla, Ronon or Rodney and tell them, to be close to people, but Rodney was out with a friend, Ronon was with Amelia and he didn’t want to burden Teyla more than she already was. He had broken up with Alice, it wasn’t like his husband and child were stuck on a dangerous planet light-years away. He felt his throat close up as he realized that for the first time in five years, he was well and truly alone.

“Way to go John,” he muttered to himself. 

Forcing his eyes closed, it was only years of military training and falling sleep in the world’s worst hot zones that allowed his raging thoughts to settle finally so he could drift off into sleep.

* * *

John’s morning didn’t start well. 

His sleep had been jagged. The reoccurring nightmares of being left behind on Atlantis, alone and no one alive to miss him had been the most dominant. Being sent so far into the future hadn’t helped those dreams, they had just made them worse. Memories he didn’t have were born out of the stories old Rodney had told him were added to the rotation, Atlantis and everyone dying. They had been interspersed with warmer dreams of strong hands holding him close, the sensation of being happy and loved, familiar voices telling him it was okay. 

He had woken up hard and terrified in equal amounts, his emotions running wild. 

The hangover didn’t help, nor the realization that not only did he have an IOA meeting, but by now a lot of people would have heard of the break up. Atlantis had a gossip network to make fish wives jealous, and while he hadn’t wanted to bother one of his friends, he had no doubt Alice had gone to hers. He forced himself out of bed, stumbling and taking a shower, allowing himself to stand under the hot spray both in an attempt to get rid of the knots across his shoulder and to try and recreate that feeling of warmth from his dream. It worked to an extent but by the time he forced himself out from under the spray he was pruney and he still felt cold. Pulling on his dog tags, the weight of command felt heavier today, an assignment he was keenly aware of in that moment. He dressed quickly, ignoring the pile of clothes in the corner, wondering if he could get away with throwing them of off his balcony. 

The mess hall was – thankfully — mostly empty, but he could see a few glances his way and he forced himself not to scowl. He had been right; the rumor mill was in full force. Grabbing water and oatmeal he wandered over to where Teyla and Ronon already sat. He dropped down into the seat and grabbed his water, wishing he had stayed in bed.

“Are you alright John?” Teyla asked, keeping her voice soft, her hand reaching out and resting it on his forearm, grounding him. 

John looked at her and saw nothing but worry for him and it settled a part of him. No matter what his nightmares and subconscious told him, he knew in his heart his team would always be there. If he had called for help last night, they would have been there, and he knew that. This was why he didn’t drink wine; he turned into the scared sixteen-year-old kid who fought with his dad and pushed anyone who wanted to help away. The touch helped, when it was team it always helped. He turned his hand, gripping her forearm back and her smiled softened, some of the worry fading.

“I’m fine,” he said after a moment, managing a weak smile. “Honestly.”

“A parting of ways is always difficult, no matter the reason, and if you are not fine it is okay,” Teyla continued, her voice the same soothing timbre it always was. 

“I am,” he repeated. And he was, he was fine, and that made him feel less fine than he thought was possible. “I thought I might not be this morning,” he said haltingly. He hated talking about this, but Teyla and Ronon deserved to know. “I feel worse for Ali— for Dr. Harper I mean. She’s good, she’s nice. She deserves more than to deal with me.” 

There was that good again. Good good good. It was all he could say about her and that made him feel worse again. He sighed and took another mouthful of his water, digging into his oatmeal, wishing for sugar but feeling like he had to punish himself for how much of a dick he had been last night. Breaking up with her wasn’t the bad decision, how he had done it was. 

“Shit happens,” Ronon said succinctly as he made his way through his bacon. “And it always sucks.”

Teyla shot Ronon a glance, half-amused and half-annoyed, the irritated eyeroll of a frustrated sibling. “Regardless, any of us are here to help if you need it.”

“Help with what?” 

Rodney’s voice came from behind him and John managed to hide the relieved smile as Rodney sat down next to him and started eating. John reached out and pushed Rodney’s coffee away, the smell upsetting his stomach even more. The smell of coffee when he was hungover was not a good one, it smelled like ashes to him. Rodney raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything, taking a sip of the coffee and putting it down further away. 

“John had a difficult night,” Teyla said, delicately. “He and Dr Harper broke up.”

And this was why rumors and news always spread quickly in Atlantis, John thought darkly. No one could keep their mouths shut. A weird part of him was glad for it, he didn’t have to explain what happened a thousand times over. He felt a leg press against his own and he looked up from where he had been contemplating his breakfast to find Rodney looking at him with eyebrows drawn together, silently asking him what had happened. 

He shrugged one shoulder and looked back down, fascinated by the oatmeal. He bumped their shoulders together, lingering for a moment. Nothing happened, you happened. Both and neither at the same time. It was what it was.

“You should have called us,” Rodney stated, getting to the point. 

John shrugged his shoulders again. “Didn’t want to bother, all of you had plans, and it was late.”

“It wasn’t that late,” Teyla said softly, her intent clear. It would never been that late, not for each other. 

“I know,” he said again, his voice even softly, stabbing the oatmeal with his spoon. “I wanted to be alone.”

A lie if he had ever hear done, but thankfully no one called him out on it. The silence continued and he looked up to find three sets of disbelieving eyes on him and he sighed, dropping the spoon into the bowl.

“I was a dick,” he said keeping his voice low, his lips barely moving so no one could over hear. “Okay? I don’t regret it happening, but it shouldn’t have happened how it did and I didn’t want to bother anyone.”

“You drank like a fish yesterday,” Ronon pointed out.

John grimaced, not wanting to get into the finer details of that, even though a quick look at Rodney told him the other man had parsed out the reason and looked a bit nervous for it. 

“John, if you think it would have been a bother then we have been remiss in our friendship with you,” Teyla said cutting to the point. She could be diplomatic when the situation called for it, but she also had a way of cutting to the point. 

“I know that,” he said, shifting uncomfortably. “I was drunk, I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

“Clearly,” Rodney muttered next to him. “Or maybe you were thinking clearer than normal. She’s a biologist, what did you two even talk about. It’s not like there’s math in biology, it’s barely a science. Might as well be English or something equally as useless and detrimental to brain cells.” 

John knew what Rodney was doing, and Teyla and Ronon knew it as well. John wondered how bad he looked that they just accept it and didn’t push anymore. John dropped his eyes back down to his food, a soft smile on his face as he continued to eat, feeling a bit hungrier now. He was able to relax, listening to Rodney expound on the reasons why Biology shouldn’t be a science. 

“Why is it called English when you don’t learn how to speak English in it?” Ronon asked, interrupting Rodney’s flow of words. 

John looked up, seeing the flummoxed look on Rodney’s face, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to parse what Ronon asked and what he had been talking about. The look gave way to exasperation and John burst out laughing, dropping his spoon and covering his face trying to hold back the braying laugh he knew drew attention. It took a while for him to settle, his laugh had become more deranged as it continued. He didn’t know why it had been so funny, just that it had. 

He finally managed to get it under control and he wiped at his eyes, before looking around at his teammates, feeling grateful for his team. Teyla and Ronon were grinning at him, both of their smiles wide and happy, and Rodney was looking at him with that odd quirk of his lips, the one that John felt was directed to him the most. It told him he was an idiot, but it was okay. He was beyond lucky to have these friends, and even if he wanted more from Rodney, the friendship they had was more than enough. 

“English is where you study books, it’s also called literature,” he explained once he had settled down. 

“So why not call it Literature?” 

“Some do. They’re both right,” he explained with a shrug. “Don’t know why, it just is,” he said finishing the last of his breakfast and sitting back, feeling more human than he had since he had gone to the dinner. 

“It’s weird,” Ronon said, sounding like he always did when dealing with people from Earth. 

John could remember teaching Ronon the difference between going right and being right and didn’t blame him. Moments like these were some of the best, the good memories to hold onto when things were going shit. His team all smiling, arguing over stupid things. Being around his three best friends, around his family made the shitty feelings from last night fade. The good morning had washed the last of the fog away from his mind. He wasn’t better, he knew he would be carrying the guilt of how he had treated Alice around for a couple weeks, but he didn’t feel scraped raw and alone. 

“How was your night Rodney?” Teyla asked after a couple of moments of silence. “Did you enjoy catching up with Dr. Zhang.”

And just like that, his mood dropped, and he felt his body stiffen and there was no way Rodney couldn’t have felt that. He kept his face blank, wanting to hear the answer as well.

“Good, it was good, really good,” Rodney said, an almost parody of John back on the pier and it made his shoulders tighten even more. “She’s running an import/export business, lots of work you know. Loves it though, oh look at that I need to go.”

Rodney could never be called subtle, but this was bad even for him. He stood up quickly, the warmth from his leg gone, his chair scraping back loudly. John turned his head and looked up at Rodney, seeing the way his face seemed to shut down in a way that was most decidedly not Rodney. The same feeling of unease at how squirrelly Rodney had been last night shot its way into the contentment he had been feeling and settled in for the stay. Export import didn’t sound like something Rodney would be interested in, not for a job. But it would be safe and maybe that was something he was looking for. Or maybe it was romantic, and he didn’t want to mention it, not after Johns own break up. 

He didn’t know what was showing on his face when Rodney looked down at him, but the tense line between his eyebrows softened for a second and he felt a hand on the back of his neck, squeezing slightly and giving him a shake. John didn’t know what was going on with Rodney, he didn’t like not knowing, but for some reason the tight grip on the back of his neck made him relax, obviously, if the dual eyebrows from Ronon and Teyla were anything to go by.

“See you in the meeting?” he asked. 

“Yeah, 1300,” Rodney replied with one last squeeze and shake before he was bustling off. 

It took a lot of power for John to stay where he was and not turn to watch Rodney go, but it was a close call. He kept his eyes on his water glass, trying to push away the darkness that was growing inside of him, the constant nagging through that Rodney wasn’t telling him something. When he felt like he had control, he raised his head to look at Teyla and Ronon. They were smart, they knew people better than he did, sometimes he wondered if they knew him better than he did, and he had no doubt that what he felt had been writ across his face for the world to see. 

He wasn’t worried about telling, he knew they never would. The sky was blue, the grass was green, Ronon and Teyla were more loyal to him than they were to the SGC. 

“Your military rules suck,” Ronon said after a moment, and John swallowed the tightness in his throat, feeling Teyla reach for one of his hands and squeeze it.

“Yeah,” he said softly. 

Nothing else needed to be said, not with them.

* * *

The meeting with the IOA went about as well as John had expected. Especially when Rodney came in ten minutes late and dropped two crystals on the table, interrupting Coolidge without so much as a by-your-leave. 

“See this crystal?” Rodney got right into it, holding up one of the crystals in question. 

It looked like most of the crystals John had seen before, the odd clear blue color they all had, smooth with straight edges, fine filaments of something the scientists hadn’t been about to classify running through it. 

“This is one of the light crystals I just grabbed from a light sconce in the hallway outside,” Rodney continued, speaking over the objections that Coolidge was trying to raise, picking up the second crystal and holding it next to the first. “This is from a light sconce of the same type and make, the difference being that this light is outside.”

The second crystal was pitted, small hairline fractures running through it and parts of it were blackened where John assumed the filament had blown out. Rodney put both crystals onto the table and flicked the bottom of the one that was whole. A faint _plink_ sounded, but nothing else. When Rodney flicked the second one, a sharp crack of breaking glass sounded and the crystal broke. 

“The cloak crystals look like that, they are failing,” Rodney said slowly, his head moving to look at the different IOA members as he spoke. “We have rerouted and dropped to half of the crystals needed. The cloak is still there, but it is wavering slightly so we should all be glad San Francisco is having a warm summer and we can pretend its heat shimmer.”

“Why half?” Coolidge asked, evidently over his previous irritation.

“It’s the only way we can think to preserve the cloak a little bit longer,” Rodney explained. “Be aware, when I said a little bit longer I mean exactly that. A little bit, a couple days at most. They are going to fail. It is nothing but a matter of time until it is too late, so get ready to declassify or send us on our way, because those are the two options,” he finished, dropping into a chair next to John. 

John felt a fission of shock at the casual announcement that they had a couple of _days_ and looking around the room he could see similar looks on his face. 

Xiaoyi looked around the room and then looked back at Rodney, and John had never seen such a strong amount of willful ignorance on her face than in this moment. “Dr. McKay, dramatics are not needed I assure you.”

“Dramatics?” Rodney said, his voice a deadpan. “Ah yes, the dramatics of honest and truthful information.”

Xiaoyi kept on smiling, her hands folded in front of her “We all know your wish to send Atlantis back to the Pegasus galaxy, and my people have told me the problem is not nearly as severe as you have stated.”

Rodney gaped at her, both offended and momentarily speechless, giving John a chance to speak. “Hey now, we have made no bones about wanting to go back, but Dr. McKay is not dramatic when it comes to the safety and security of the city.”

“Can we not simply, move the city?” Nechayev asked, speaking up as he leaned forward.

“No, the city is too large and doesn’t have the thrusters to move it. We need at least a dozen different naval warships to be able to even begin tugging. A line of war ships isn’t exactly a subtle option,” Rodney said doing his best to keep the condescending tone out of his voice, failing miserably.

“We cannot use the star drive because it requires switching to shields, and to be honest, after the landing we had it’s a miracle that works.”

“So, we cannot move Atlantis. That is fine. Our people have told us that city cloak _will_ hold for at least another few months,” Xiaoyi said, trying to sound reasonable. “This will give us enough time to make a decision.”

“For fucks sake,” Rodney snapped, and John noticed a few people flinching at the language. “if you want to bury your head in the sand rather than decide, go right ahead. However, I want it publicly stated on record that we have a couple days _at most_ before the cloak fails and we will declassify, like it or not. If you think I’m wrong, if you would rather trust some scientist you’re paying to kiss your ass go right ahead. But it is not on me when you’re wrong.”

Xiaoyi flushed with anger, her shoulders thrown back. “Dr. McKa-.”

Rodney stood up without letting her finish. “I’ve said all I’ve needed to say, I have real work to do.”

With that he left the room, walking briskly and ignoring both Xiaoyi’s and Coolidge’s increasingly demanding requests to come back. John always enjoyed watching Rodney in his elements, science and lambasting people. When he knew what he was talking about, he was capable of controlling a room and everyone in it, and John wondered if he knew he had that capability. 

He wondered if Rodney knew what he did to John when he did that, blue eyes bright with self-righteous indignation and strong shoulders thrown back, making them seem wider than they were. The thick arms and forearms corded with muscle as he clenched his fists and body as tight as a coil, ready to spring. He slouched down further, hiding his reaction to thoughts of Rodney. Even the red flush that covered Rodney’s face was attractive to John. 

He shifted in his seat, trying to get himself under control, hating his duty more and more as time went on. He wanted to follow Rodney, drag him into a room and kiss him like he had wanted too since that first night on the pier. 

Instead he settled in as he watched the members of the IOA begin to attack each other in the name of decision making. 

It was going to be a long afternoon.

* * *

By the time the meeting wrapped up hours later, John wished fervently that he had managed to extricate himself from the meeting when Rodney had. His eyes felt like they were crossing and it was only years of training that had kept his face looking attentive. He was supposed to be there, but no one was asking his opinion and no one wanted it, he had learned that very quickly in the past month. He was there out of ‘respect’ for his position as Military Commander. Even that was tenuous at best. 

The room finally finished emptying, leaving him with Woolsey and O’Neill. 

“Always that bad?” he asked, referring to the four hours of arguments over petty differences he had just sat through.

“Actually, that wasn’t that bad,” O’Neill offered. “Usually they fight more.”

Woolsey sighed and nodded. “Perhaps not as bad as some, but recently it has begun to get a lot worse. With Atlantis around, all the respective IOA countries wish to have more access to it.”

“Without paying for it,” O’Neill cut in pointedly.

Woolsey inclined his head. “Be that as it may, they still think they deserve to spend more time here, especially since this expedition was supposed to be international, and yet is mostly run by the Americans. Dr. McKay excluded of course. It does not help that Dr. Beckett is no longer in charge of the medical staff.”

John sighed and dropped his head back onto the chair. “Still don’t get why they’re not taking Rodney seriously. Do they want to deal with the declassification, especially like that? I thought the plan was always to do it slowly, to take their time.”

“You underestimate how stupid people will become in order to have power,” O’Neill mused, looking at the door with a look of disgust on his face. 

Woolsey sighed and dropped back down into the seat he had just vacated. “Is it so wrong of me to wish we hadn’t needed to land?”

John looked at Woolsey and tilted his head to the side, regarding the man. Pegasus changed everyone, it was inevitable, it had changed Woolsey and John thought it was for the better. The stuffy bureaucrat was still a stuffy bureaucrat but they were all better for it. 

He had loved Elizabeth in her own way, and he still respected the hell out of Carter. But Atlantis had needed someone like Woolsey in the past year, someone to make them all take a step back and proceed with caution. Woolsey never said no, not without a good reason and he would explain that reason to you and file it in triplicate. John didn’t always agree, but he respected them, especially once he realized that Woolsey was all heart. 

John dropped his head forward into his hands and groaned, fingers moving to rub his temple. The past couple of weeks had become increasingly trying as the IOA put up more and more roadblocks, and now with Rodney’s bombshell, the lingering hangover and the fact that Rodney was spending more time on the outskirts of the city than with him it just left him frustrated and angry. 

He opened his mouth and then closed it with another sigh. Not for the first time he wanted to steal the city, run down to the chair room and take her away before the IOA ruined her. He knew he couldn’t. They didn’t have a plan, they weren’t prepared there was no way they would make it any further than Jupiter before one of Earth’s ships caught up and they would be forced to turn back. He just wished he could. 

He raised his head and saw both Woolsey and O’Neill watching him, both of them with knowing expressions, although Woolsey’s was more guarded than he had expected. He shrugged, he wasn’t ashamed of his thoughts, and he figured both of them had had some of their own. 

“Colonel,” Woolsey began softly and John held up a hand to forestall any arguments. 

“I know, I won’t,” he said dropping his hand, wondering at the pained expression that flashed across Woolsey’s face. 

“Think of the paperwork if you did,” O’Neill said, sounding like he knew the argument fell as flat as he expected it. 

John forced a smile and nodded. “I know,” he said again, as if saying he knew would make him believe.

“Sheppard,” O’Neill said slowly after the silence stretched. “Is there a chance McKay is wrong?”

John snorted. “Sir, the last time McKay was wrong he blew up a solar system. His wrongs are usually much more catastrophic.”

“This will be catastrophic,” Woolsey pointed out.

John shrugged. “Not in the same way.”

“Here’s hoping for a first time,” O’Neill said lamely, conceding the point.

John nodded. There was always a chance, but John had spent more time with Rodney than any other single person in his life, his family perhaps the only exception and even that was tenuous at best. Rodney wasn’t often wrong, and when it was, it was disastrous. He wasn’t about to start betting against him now, especially when he had seen the evidence first hand. 

“Go and see Dr. McKay has settled, we need to discuss the cloak situation, regardless of what the IOA thinks,” O’Neill said. 

“He’s still pissed,” John replied instantly. The sun was yellow, the water was blue, Rodney McKay held a grudge.

“Definitely, but he’s less likely to flay you alive then he is me, I think Carter is still bleeding,” O’Neill said dryly. “I pray I never hear him call me Sir again. It was wrong.”

John winced. “Yessir.”

* * *

John found Rodney in the south tower, leaning against a balcony railing in one of the apartments they had been debating opening up. The discussion on moving the permanent members to these apartments had been tabled once they had landed on Earth, but as he walked through the apartment, he wished it hadn’t. Large living room, small kitchen, floor to ceiling windows that led out to a large balcony, a well-lit bathroom with a sunken tub and a cozy bedroom made up the small apartment unit and John could imagine a couple building a life there comfortably. The sea breeze and the warm sun with the idyllic view out over the city made the tension in John’s shoulders fade as he imagined that that couple was him and Rodney.

He stepped onto the balcony and stood next to his friend, their shoulders pressing together as he leaned against the railing. He stayed quiet, the tense line of Rodney’s shoulders telling him how unhappy his friend was, and how close he was to losing it. He didn’t know what to say, and didn’t want to piss Rodney off any more than he was. Instead, he looked out over their city, and despite what the IOA thought, it would always be their city. 

They had gone through hell, had lost so many friends, seen the worst the galaxy had to offer but they had stuck it out through the end. No one knew the city better than they did, not even the other members of the first wave. If Atlantis had owners, the deed would be to Colonel John P. Sheppard, USAF and Dr. M. Rodney McKay, PhD PhD PhD. She was gorgeous, alien and deadly, and he loved the city. He couldn’t imagine life anywhere else but here. 

He shifted, his hands dropping over the balcony railing to hang next to Rodney’s, moving to hook their pinkies together. Ever since the hand holding he had found himself drawn even more last night, and since last night (and Christ was it only last night?) when he had broken up with Alice, he had lost half of his excuses for distance. Not that they had let that stop them before. 

It was hard, to be in his position and to want to touch. He wanted Rodney, more than almost anything else in his life. But he knew his responsibilities, and he was willing to take what he could get, one little touch at a time. It would be enough, it had to be enough, because John knew from the bottom of his heart he would wait until he retired or the regs changed for Rodney. The stint with Alice had proven it. Sure, he could smile and make someone fall in love with him, but it wouldn’t be fair. These stolen moments with Rodney were worth a hundred nights of another relationship. 

His heart had been completely and irrevocably stolen, and he wasn’t going to fight for it, not when he had given it silently and freely to Rodney. 

They were outside, and despite the late hour, the sun was still bright. Even though they were high up he couldn’t risk more than their pinkies, not with so many eyes around these days. Even this was pushing it, but the itch between his shoulder blades was rearing its ugly head after a day of dealing with the IOA, and if he was being honest with himself, his need to touch Rodney was beginning to outweigh his command responsibilities. 

He felt Rodney lean against him, his pinky curling into an odd sort of squeeze and he bit his lip to keep the besotted smile of off his face. 

“They’re _so_ stupid,” Rodney said suddenly, a breadth of feeling in his voice John hadn’t heard before. So much confidence, anger, sadness and just sheer confusion all rolled up into one sentence. 

John let out a noise of agreement and disgust. Rodney was loud, prone to dramatic outbursts but he was almost never wrong, not about time, not about Atlantis. His outbursts were always filled with fear and panic. We’re going to die. It’s not possible. But when he got down to it, he put his head down, he got the job done and he was almost never wrong. Like he had told the General, Rodney’s failures were catastrophic.

“It worries me,” he admitted softly. “I feel like there’s a lot of things I’m missing, and I don’t know if it’s because they’re good at hiding, or if I can’t figure it out. The military rotations are almost daily now and its hard keeping track of who is coming in and out, half the time I see new faces and it’s been keeping me on edge. They have to be doing it on purpose, and I know they have their own agenda, but I can’t do much. Lorne and I are swamped trying to keep things running.”

He felt Rodney flinch and he frowned, turning his head to look at the other man. Rodney was looking away from him, out across the ocean and didn’t reply. John let the silence hang for a second before he leaned against him, wishing he could drop his chin on his shoulder like he had done all those months ago. “What’s up?”

Rodney sighed. It was his annoyed sigh, the one he dropped when people asked him questions he didn’t want to answer. John had long since stopped caring about that, he would ask the questions and it was up to Rodney to answer them or not. He kept silent, waiting for Rodney to break it again. He could be patient, especially when he had two of his favorite views. 

“Rumors mostly,” Rodney said his voice soft. “Unfounded, and hopefully wrong.”

John instantly went on alert, his shoulders tense and Rodney turned to look at him, brows furrowed, and eyes bright with worry. “What rumors?” John asked, dropping his voice even lower, lips barely moving. 

“Have you noticed the uptick in non-SGC based Stargate personnel?” Rodney asked. 

“A bit?” he admitted. “I’ve noticed some new faces, but I don’t know a lot of the SGC scientists to begin with and I’ve been focused on the military.”

“I think that’s the point.”

“What is?”

“So many transferred constantly, it keeps you on in the dark with who is actually in the city. Do you know for a fact that everyone who has left, has actually left?”

John shook his head. “No. It’s something that’s been on my mind and Lorne is worried as well.” 

They fell into silence again, both of them contemplating as the quiet stretched between them before John broke it. 

“Do you think the IOA is trying to wrest control away from the SGC?”

“I don’t know what I think,” Rodney admittedly finally. “I’ve only noticed it because all the scientists we’ve had come in recently have military backgrounds. Admittedly, it’s not outside the norm in the SGC, but the ratio we’re getting is skewed heavily in favor of military scientists, and not all branches of military. No Navy or Air Force, it’s all land and incursion-based.”

“And you don’t think its accidental?”

Rodney shook his head. “It’s been too methodical, the only scientists being rotated out are the ones without military background, and a lot of them don’t know why they are being recalled. It’s a shock to them as well.”

John was quiet as he looked out across the city his thoughts flying. He didn’t want to believe the IOA would try and take control, but he wondered if being on Earth had made him more comfortable than he should be. In Pegasus, he had been on edge constantly, each new threat just around the corner. Relaxation was stolen, moments in the day where a deep breath and a moment of silence could be the difference between a break down and carrying on. 

On Earth it had been simpler, he had been able to relax and that was the problem. Now that he was taking the time to put together gut feelings and what Rodney told him, it was obvious. The IOA kept trying to prolong any actual decisions making. They were obfuscating, and now John had no doubt it was on purpose. 

“Fuck,” he said dropping his head down and closing his eyes. “This cannot be happening.”

Rodney was silent for a moment. “The IOA has always argued, has never seen eye to eye with the SGC, especially with Atlantis. It’s not unusual for them to fight for weeks about something, and we weren’t paying enough attention. I just don’t know what to do now.”

Rodney’s voice sounded weird, choked and John looked at him, but Rodney’s face gave nothing away. With the sun in front of them, Rodney’s face was fully lit and John was overcome for a moment. Perhaps the IOA was sneaking around trying to take control, and perhaps John had missed it because his attention had been in the wrong place. He liked to think he was logical, but Rodney made him illogical. 

“Or maybe I’m a paranoid bastard,” Rodney said finally.

John sighed. “No, I think you’re right. Now I just need to figure out what to do, do I tell O’Neill and Woolsey? Do I put the city on alert? IS there something I can use to bring my fears to General Landry? I don’t think ‘my gut feeling and Dr. McKay think’ is going to cut it. He hates us.”

Rodney snorted. “Hate is such a strong word.”

“Fine, he’s not amused by us.”

“I don’t know why, I think I’m hilarious.”

“A regular comedian McKay.”

“There’s an upside though,” Rodney said after a moment, shifting closer and dropping his head down so it was closer to John’s.

John swallowed and dropped his head down as well. “Oh?” he asked, voice hoarse from the closeness.

“Look, all the Ancients had the gene, right?”

“Right.”

“And the city reacts to people with the gene, right?”

“Yes, we know this,” he said sounding a bit impatient. 

“So why do the doors open for people without the gene? Teyla and Ronon can both tell their doors to lock as easily as you or I can. How come?”

John opened his mouth before he closed it and shrugged. “Because it’s been activated?”

“Exactly!” Rodney said snapping the fingers of his free hand and pointing at John. “At some point, the whole city got activated to accept whoever was living here. It had been bugging me ever since we arrived, and when Helia took over she was able to shut us out easily. It got me wondering, what else was possible and so I started digging.”

And?”

“And!” by now Rodney looked excited, blue eyes bright even as he kept his voice down. This close, John could see the soft freckles dotted across Rodney nose, the long blonde tipped eyelashes, the darker spots of blue in his eyes. He really needed to stop getting distracted whenever he was this close to Rodney.

“It took a while but I found a lot of security measures for Atlantis we didn’t even know about. You can change the whole security system to recognize only certain individuals. It had essentially been set on open, but we can change it so it only responds to people we want. It makes sense, the Ancients weren’t one unified group, we know that already. Look, you wouldn’t let everyone into your house, but people you trusted could have the key or code, especially in a city like this. The ancients just used a DNA lock instead of a physical key.”

Johns mind raced, thinking ahead of the possibilities, of the things they could do if they had more control over the city. It was tantamount to a coup, but they could keep their people safe. They could stop people roaming, stop over eager scientists and marines from getting injured.

John grinned wider and wider as the thought of Atlantis being free and safe raced through his mind. “Tell me you made a group.”

“I made a group,” Rodney agreed, “we will have full control as soon as I active it. I’m sure there are other measures we can take. I need to look more into it.”

“That’s amazing, you’re amazing,” he said looking at Rodney in amazement. 

Rodney was amazing, he continued to be amazing. Each time John thought Rodney couldn’t go above and beyond, he did something else. That bright mind working hard and fast to make their city safer. John didn’t know where he got the time, but he had stopped looking a gift horse in the mouth a long time ago. Rodney was looking at him, a soft smile on his face and John knew his was goofy, but he was so proud and excited he couldn’t help it. 

Rodney shifted, pressing them closer together, the silence easy as they gazed at each other. Finally, Rodney broke it. “I want to kiss you.”

John choked on a breath, dropping his head forward and squeezing his eyes closed at the instant want that shot through him. “You always just say things like that, like it’s so easy.”

“It’s not really, not when I know you…can’t, but I have never been particularly good at denying myself things that I want.” 

“And you want me.”

“I want you more than almost anything else in the world, and trust me there are a lot of things I want. I love food, and pretty things,” Rodney said unapologetically. “And you are very pretty, and probably taste good as well.”

John let out a long, dramatic sigh, trying to move it away from a topic he wasn’t sure he could handle right then. “Ignoring the cannibalism there for a moment, you always call me pretty, never sexy.”

“I’ll call you sexy when I see you naked.”

“You have seen me naked.”

“Decon showers don’t count.”

John opened his mouth only to be stopped by Rodney holding up a finger.

“Nor do public showers. Nudity for sex is different. And one of these days John...”

Chicken was not a game John should play with Rodney, not when he trailed off and looked at John with that heat in his eyes. Not when they were hundreds of feet above and away from anyone else. He swallowed and looked away, doing his best to ignore the way his pants suddenly felt tight. Rodney didn’t say anything, just stayed pressed against him, which didn’t help his current growing problem.

He chanced a look to the side and saw Rodney looking at him, unabashedly staring. He could see the challenge in his eyes, and John had never backed down from a challenge, not from anyone and certainly not from McKay. He turned slightly, facing Rodney and smirking. Deep down, he knew it was a bad idea to play this sort of game with Rodney, but he was never known for rationality in the heat of the moment. 

“You know, I should be mourning my break up, it’s been less than a day and instead of being sad, mostly I’m just trying not to get a raging hard on,” he said, keeping his voice low. 

He was rewarded with a sharp inhale. Rodney shifted, dropping their hands to take a step back, turning fully towards him. John was slower in his movements, turning fully so he could lean a hip against the railing, arms crossed and glad he had forgone a jacket for the day. 

John knew what he looked like and what other people thought of his looks. He had never been against using that to his advantage when one present itself. He knew what it meant when people’s eyes raked up and down his body, cataloguing and he knew a good look from a bad look. He had used those slow perusals to decide as well, to drag or allow himself to be dragged into shadowy corners where rushed fingers and panted breaths were common. 

John had never been ashamed of those encounters with both male and female. He liked sex, and it had been some of the best sex he had ever had, fueled by adrenaline and a desperate need for human contact. But in all that time, in all those fumbled dark corners, he had never felt as exposed as he did when Rodney took a step back and began to give him a one over.

It was deliberate and slow, starting at his feet and working his way up. It was predatory and possessive in a way John had never experienced and less unexpected of Rodney than John had anticipated. He liked the way Rodney was watching him, lids heavy and eyes assessing. The same sharp gaze that was used to catalogue every detail in their lives was now focused on him and he could feel his breathing grow shallower as Rodney continued to look. He felt pinned under the heavy gaze, and could feel himself grow harder. 

The gaze stopped, staring at the bulge in his trousers and he shifted, moving so they pulled tighter across the front, not hiding how hard he was. He wanted Rodney to step closer, to curl one of those large hands over his erection and squeeze. He was pushing forty, he had more control than he had had as a teenager, but he knew if Rodney touched him, he could come just as quickly, pants be damned. Years of small touches and months of open wanting had brought them to this moment, and he wanted so bad. 

Rodney didn’t move, just licked over his bottom lip and kept up his perusal, eyes lingering over his hips, over his chest and to his neck. John tilted his chin up, wanting to slide down to his knees and see what Rodney would do. But he stayed where he was and licked over his bottom lip. He saw those bright blue eyes flick to his lip and he did it again, slower, deliberate. Rodney’s eyes finally met his and John shifted at the possessive look in Rodney’s eyes, pants almost unbearably tight now. His mouth felt dry all of a sudden and he swallowed, not daring to look away. 

“One of these days,” Rodney started slowly, voice low and husky, stopping and swallowing, eyes flitting down and back up, “Christ John, the things I am going to do to you.”

It wasn’t the most intense dirty talk John had ever found himself apart of, it wasn’t even that dirty all things considered. But for some reason, the simple statement had his knees feeling weak and he locked them against the need to drop down to his knees. Perhaps it was the use of his first name, maybe it was the way this had been building up for what felt like forever. Or maybe it was just the way Rodney was staring at him like he was the best thing in the world. 

John opened his mouth and then closed it again, trying to get some moisture in his mouth so he could speak without croaking. “Fuck.”

“That.”

John closed his eyes and shifted until he was leaning back against the rail, both hands gripping it to ground himself, dropping his head back to try and get more air, panting with how turned on he was. He needed to calm down. He felt Rodney closer to him suddenly, and he turned his head but keeping his eyes closed. He wasn’t sure he could handle opening his eyes yet. He could feel Rodney’s body giving off heat and he wanted to sink against him. 

“Don’t suppose,” Rodney started slowly, his voice low and pitched for Johns ears only. 

John shuddered at the tone, unable to control his reaction and he opened his eyes, needing to see if Rodney was just as affected. Rodney’s face was flushed, cheeks a bright red and eyes wider than they had been before, as if he thought if he opened them wider he wouldn’t miss anything. He could only imagine what he looked like, braced against the railing, bulge visible in his pants, his breathing ragged and his face filled with naked want and need. 

“Don’t suppose?” John prompted after a moment.

“Do you think DADT accounts for perverted Chief Science Officers with a voyeuristic streak who walked in on the Military Commander jerking off and couldn’t help but stay and watch?” Rodney asked softly, eyes flicking to the room. 

Johns breath stuttered and he was moving before his brain caught up, almost throwing himself across the balcony, with Rodney a second behind him. As soon as they were inside he felt a hand on his shoulder stop him and push him towards a wall. He stumbled and turned, any natural grace he once had long gone as he slammed back against the wall, shoulders taking the brunt of it even as he fumbled his pants open. 

He raised his eyes to see Rodney against the other wall, yards and miles between them. He felt no shame as he pushed his pants and boxers down, catching on his thigh holster but he didn’t care, erection suddenly free and wrapped a hand around it. He let out a groan at the first touch, his head dropping back as he began to jerk off quickly. 

There was no finesse, no teasing, just hard fast strokes that bordered on painful but he was more turned on than he had been in a long time. He could hear Rodney breathing from across the room and it just turned him on even more. His legs were already shaking as he opened his eyes, needing to see Rodney. He groaned at the sight, at how Rodney was standing across from him, his pants still up and his hand shoved down the front. He couldn’t see what Rodney was doing, but he could only imagine that big hand curled around himself through his boxers, hand moving and squeezing. John wanted to know what Rodney liked, if he wanted it fast or slow, hard or soft. What brought him to the edge and over faster than anything. 

“Fuck,” he groaned out, swiping his thumb across the head of his cock, gathering just a little bit of moisture to ease his way. 

John felt his legs begin to shake even more and without thinking he slid down until he was on his knees, spreading them as wide as he could with his pants caught around his thighs, shoulders still bracing him against the wall. Rodney groaned from across the room and John answered in kind. He was hot, his temperature spiking as his hand sped up even more and he moved to hike his shirt up, welcoming the cool air as his hips began to fuck up into his fist. He kept his eyes on Rodney, watching that hand, watching as his nipples hardened and he could see them even under the shirt and across the room

“I want to blow you so bad,” he groaned, unable to keep silent.

He could picture it easily, Rodney stalking across the room, pushing his pants down and sliding a hand into his hair to pull his head back. He wouldn’t even need to move, not with how he was kneeling, all he would need to do was open his mouth and Rodney could just slide into his mouth even as he kept jerking off. He groaned at the vision, his eyes sliding shut and mouth dropping open. 

“Feelings mutual,” Rodney said, his own voice as wrecked as Johns, words clipped and hard.

His hand sped up and Johns breathing got shallower, his hips fucking up into his fist even as his kept jerking faster and faster. It was tighter than he liked, but anything less and he felt like he was going to float away. His hand skittered across his chest, fingers finding and pinching at his nipple, needing something to ground himself, and it backfired spectacularly.

His orgasm hit him in a rush, coming with a deep low groan as he arched up, his hand moving even faster than before, feeling each pulse hit his stomach. His body was shaking even as he slumped back against the wall, hand still moving slowly trying to prolong one of the most intense orgasms he had ever had as much as he could. He finally stopped, a hand squeezing the base of his cock as he panted, eyes closed and head dropped back. He heard a soft groan and he opened his eyes to see Rodney’s head drop back as his hips fucked up into his hand once, twice and then he shuddered and came. 

His hand dropped down, resting on his thigh as he tried to catch his breath, his eyes focused on Rodney. He didn’t think he could tear them away. It was silent except for their breathing and John didn’t have the energy or the will to move, not right then. Rodney opened his eyes eventually and John felt pinned and on display and usually he would hate it. Would hate the intense gaze focused on him, the way eyes judged him. Except from Rodney. With Rodney he just dropped his chin to his chest and spread his knees even wider. 

Rodney moved and John stayed where he was, watching as Rodney drew closer, stopping in front of him. Rodney braced his hands on the wall and looked down at him, causing John to tilt his head back. He was surprised he didn’t feel caged in, didn’t feel like he needed to fight his way out. Mostly he was just wondering if it was possible for him to get a second erection as quickly as his body seemed to want too.

“You are really dangerous for my self-control,” he said after a second, looking up at Rodney. 

John let his eyes flick down over Rodney, seeing strong shoulders arms and chest, down to a waistline that spoke of years of sedentary living, to legs that were thick and strong from crouching under consoles and behind walls. He could see a wet spot spreading from where Rodney had come, the button and zipper still undone. He wanted to press his face against his that spot. The imagine that flashed through his mind made him groan and lick his lips, eyes flicking back up to meet Rodney’s. 

He kept his gaze even as Rodney crouched down, knees widening to spread to either side of John’s body, two hands on the wall beside his head. John was caged in, their knees almost touching and he never wanted to move again. They were as close as they could get and still maintain a mental plausible deniability. There was no denying what they were doing, not to anyone who would see them, but they could kid themselves, if only for the moment. 

“Promise?” he asked after a second.

“Promise what?” Rodney asked, voice low. 

“Promise one day you’ll do the things that are running through your head right now.”

Rodney nodded jerkily. “I will. Want to know that they are?”

“Yes, but I don’t think it’ll end up very good for either of us.”

“Oh?”

“Not that kind of good,” he amended. “You should move.”

“I know,” Rodney said closing his own eyes and dropping his head forward, and John could smell the minty shampoo Rodney preferred and he swallowed “Just trying to get the mental fortitude to move back into of forward.”

“If you can use mental fortitude I think you’re doing okay.”

“I feel more sympathy for Tantalus than ever before,” Rodney said with a sigh, even as he stood up. He was closer than he was before and John had to tilt his head back against the wall so Rodney wouldn’t brush against his face. John fought the urge to bury his face against Rodney’s groin and mouth at that wet spot. Rodney stilled looking down at him, and John just looked back up at him, licking across his bottom lip. 

“So much sympathy,” Rodney muttered and took two large, deliberate steps back. 

John wiped his hand across his chest to clean it as best as he could and pulled his shirt down, fingers fumbling with his pants even as he pulled them up and tucked himself back in. He needed to go straight to his room and prayed no one would see him.

“Wasn’t he the one who could never drink but was always thirsty?” he asked even as he shifted to stand back up, keeping his eyes away from Rodney for the moment.

Rodney nodded. “And hungry but never able to reach the fruit.”

“Yeah, I can sympathize,” John said after a moment, finally looking at Rodney.

John knew he they had crossed to a point where even plausible deniability was out the window. But John had lived a life of denial and he wasn’t about to change that now. A small part of his brain knew it was dumb, that he was flirting with semantics, but he couldn’t stop. They kept catching each other’s eyes, looking at each other and not saying anything else. Nothing needed to be said, they were on the same page, and it was a stupid page. 

“You need to go,” Rodney said after a few moments.

“I know.”

“Seriously, we’re not teenagers, or in a romance novel,” Rodney continued, arms crossing over his chest.

“Nope.”

“This shouldn’t be this hard. We’re rational adults who should be able to move their legs and walk outside the door to clean up.”

“We should.”

Silence fell between them before Rodney groaned and closed his eyes, one hand waving in front of him. “If I am about to hit something tell me.”

John grinned and didn’t reply, instead watching as Rodney turned towards where the door was and walked towards it, obviously still keeping his eyes closed if the halting searching steps were any indication. Right before Rodney got to the door John cleared his throat to get his attention. Rodney stopped but didn’t turn around. 

“Hopefully one of those things on your mind is fucking me.”

With another groan that sounded suspiciously like ‘asshole’ Rodney left the room. John just grinned and leaned back against the wall, trying to ignore the sticky feeling on his stomach and his hand, giving Rodney some time to get to his room before he left. He closed his eyes and dropped his head back with a clunk, repeating the gesture for good measure.

Less than a day ago he was still with Alice, and now he had just had the most intense sexual experience of his life without even touching someone. He was in love with someone he couldn’t have, and his city was in danger and he didn’t know what the plan was. 

Everything was falling down and he didn’t know how to pick up the pieces. He wasn’t good at plans, he had never been good at planning. He preferred flying by the seat of his pants and praying that the people around him would help with his blind spots. It had worked many times, especially with the team he had now. Rodney, Ronon and Teyla were his rocks in a lot of ways, the eyes in the back of his head and different people with ideas that helped shore up his most stupid plans. He was better with them. He knew that, hell everyone knew it. 

He rubbed over his face with a groan before grimacing at the slightly sticky reside one of his hands left. He needed a shower, he needed to get his thoughts in order and he needed to talk to his team about stealing Atlantis. He couldn’t do it without them, that was obvious to him. He had the idea, surely Rodney or Ronon had some sort of idea on how to make it work. He knew Teyla wouldn’t be against it. 

Stealing Atlantis. He felt a grin stretch across his face as he pushed of off the wall and headed back towards his quarters. The idea had merit, he just hoped they had the time.

* * *

John had just enough time to shower before meeting O’Neill and Woolsey in Woolsey’s office. He wasn’t surprised to find he was the last one there, the meeting with Rodney had taken more time that he had anticipated. He walked inside, having long since stopped standing on ceremony with either of the two men, especially in a private meeting. He dropped into the free chair and took the drink that Woolsey handed him, taking a small sip of the dark liquid. 

“You always have the best whiskey,” he said reverently, dropping his head back and closing his eyes. 

The morning had seemed so long ago, and it was well into sunset now, the sky becoming darker and darker outside. It had been a long day, and he could feel the exhaustion tugging at his bones. It didn’t help that after the intense orgasm he had had earlier he had wanted nothing more than to drop onto his bed. 

“Dr. McKay has settled down I take it?” Woolsey asked after a moment.

“Mostly,” he admitted with a shrug, doing his level best not to blush. “He’s not happy and I don’t blame him.”

“Neither do I,” Woolsey said slowly and John opened his eyes, watching as the IOA member leaned back in his chair, looking wearily outside. 

There was no noise save for the clink of ice in the glass for a few moments before Woolsey stood up and headed outside. John followed him, O’Neill hot on his heels, and leaned against the railing next to Woolsey, O’Neill on his other side so they bracketed him. 

For a moment he felt out of place, flashing back to only an hour ago on a different balcony and a shoulder against his own. He took a sip from his glass, trying to get some moisture in his mouth and to make his body settle.

“I am… _concerned_ ,” Woolsey said quietly, catching Johns attention. 

“About?” he asked keeping his voice just as low, his eyes out over the ocean. 

“The IOA has never been an entity that sees eye to eye. It is why we have worked. We represent different ideals and cultures, and any agreement we do come to, by design, isn’t for our home country but instead for all of Earth. But, the last few months…,” Woolsey trailed off, throwing back the rest of his drink before sighing. “the last few months have been more troublesome than anyone expected. It worries me.”

John rolled the glass between his hands and kept his eyes focused on the water. “Rodney…doesn’t disagree with you,” he said after a moment. “And neither do I.”

That got both O’Neill’s and Woolsey’s attention. 

“What do you mean?” O’Neill asked. 

John knew Atlantis wasn’t bugged, not in the way most people thought. There were videos and sensors everywhere that were built into the system, but he knew for a fact only Rodney had access to that and had locked it down. And if someone could break through Rodney’s encryption, then they were in a lot of trouble anyway. Even knowing this, he kept his voice low, a lifetime in the military had built up habits he wasn’t keen to erase. Not these ones at least.

“A lot of the scientists, the ones who are being rotated in, have military backgrounds,” he said. “And it seems like a lot of the scientists rotating out, didn’t know about it.”

There was silence following that, and John could see Woolsey and O’Neill taking in the implications of that in their own ways. John sighed and finished off his drink, wishing there was more and knowing now he wouldn’t be able to drink or let himself give into any temptations until the city was safe. However, that may come about.

“That’s a problem,” O’Neill said finally and John nodded.

“Yep.”

“Does Dr. McKay have any idea if it’s done on purpose?” Woolsey asked. 

John shook his head. “From what I gathered yes and no,” he said. Of course, he might have gathered more information if he hadn’t been distracted jerking off for Rodney, but no one else needed to know that. 

“He thinks its suspect, but he cannot say for sure that it’s on purpose. It’s a coincidence, but it’s not unheard of for the SGC to employ previous military as scientists,” he added. “If he has an idea, I bet it’s not concrete and so he doesn’t want to tell us, you know how he can get with unsubstantiated information.”

O’Neill hummed and he finished his drink, looking down at the glass with a bit of sorrow. “This is a big problem. If McKay is right, or if his worries are right, then the IOA is planning something and we have no clue what it is, when it is or what we can do to stop it.” 

“Not all the IOA,” Woolsey said. “I don’t even know how to begin asking about this, who to trust or who might be in on it. I have ideas, the same as Dr. McKay, but without reliable information there is little I can do.”

John nodded. “That’s where Rodney is. As far as the military, it’s been difficult. We’ve been having training groups since we landed on Earth. I’ve seen an uptick in those rotations to almost once a day now. Our pilots are limited and so we’ve been boating most people into and out of the city, and I’m not in control of those, they’re IOA territory. Lorne and I have been trying our best to keep ahead of it, but I can’t confirm that they’ve all left the city. We haven’t had an accurate head count in a few weeks.”

He felt like he had failed, and he knew that was irrational, there was no way he could have anticipated this. The Military grew and shrunk from day to day, it was hard enough making sure everyone was housed and kept out of places they shouldn’t, without worrying that people actually left when they were supposed to.

“It had to be planned like that,” O’Neill asked. “Kept you and Major Lorne busy with dealing with the comings and goings of the military personnel that it was hard to keep track of. Obfuscation, one solider here, one there, and now the solider scientists? It has to be a smoke screen.”

John nodded his head in agreement. “I agree sir, they wanted me and Lorne out of the way and it was easier to do this than remove us.”

“That makes sense for the military, but what about the Science Division. Dr. McKay is well known to have an iron grip on his scientists, he knows each of them and their capabilities, they knew they wouldn’t be able to sneak scientists in without him realizing it,” Woolsey replied.

“Does he?”

John turned to look at O’Neill, one eyebrow raised. “Does he what?”

“Does he have an iron grip? I thought he didn’t even know their names,” O’Neill asked. “That’s what Carter told me, and what we get a lot of complaints about.”

John grinned, and he could see Woolsey fighting back a smile as well. “McKay knows every name, every academic background and every single paper they’ve written. He probably knows more about each of his scientists than their parents do. The problem is, he’s bad at names, but he never forgets a face or someone’s actions,” he explained. 

“The Colonel is right,” Woolsey said with a rueful look. “It took a while for me to realize, but he always knew exactly who would be most useful for the situation at hand. He would send those individuals and in my first month here I would check everyone before agreeing. I thought he was just pulling names out randomly and wanted to make sure they could do the job. It took me longer than I’m willing to admit that they were the right individuals for the job each time. He even manages to do it with the military contingent.”

“Rodney uses them when he needs people who have hands on experience,” John explained. “A lot of the scientists have the theoretical knowledge, but the marines have the real-world experience, so they work well together. Most of the marines don’t mind either, McKay makes sure they get credit as needed for working on the theory in case they want to advance their degrees. Or get a degree in some cases.” 

O’Neill looked thoughtful for a few seconds, taking in what they said. “I’ve known McKay longer than both of you and I didn’t know that, so it stands to reason the IOA doesn’t either.”

John nodded. “They probably think he can’t see beyond his own ego, and it doesn’t help that he keeps throwing their failings in their face at every single meeting.”

“Okay so, they’re blinding you with too many moving parts, they’re anticipating McKay doesn’t pay enough attention and its well known that Woolsey trusts you two to do your jobs without much oversight on a day to day basis so he won’t know anything. It’s a pretty solid plan,” O’Neill summed up. “A plan for what is now the question.”

John looked back out over the ocean as the trio fell silent, his mind racing. He had an inkling of what the IOA was planning, but he had no idea how they actually planned on achieving their goal. It still seemed too large, too complex and frankly too crazy. They had to know that the SGC wouldn’t be happy with it, what did they expected to do with Rodney and the rest of the scientists. 

Rodney knew the city better than anyone, knew every single circuit and hidden room they had found. John knew that if push came to shove then he and the rest of their Expedition could engage in guerilla warfare that would go on for weeks with no trouble. The scientists were mean, especially when they were put on coffee rations.

He knew he needed to come clean to the two men with him, especially about some of the city’s secrets. He just hated to think of O’Neill knowing more about the city. They should have let Woolsey know a while ago, but the fact that he was a member of the IOA had always stopped them from telling him. He knew it was a risk even now but he knew it was one he had to take. 

“They’re so stupid,” he said softly with a groan, echoing Rodney from earlier. “Do they honestly think they could win? We’ve dealt with this before, and we’ve won before. The only time we lost the city was to the Ancients and that’s because they had a rightful claim to it. They can’t honestly think they can hold it from us?”

O’Neill shrugged. “Maybe that’s the reason for the scientists being rotated out, once they attack they can hold the labs easier and that will help.”

John shook his head. “We have so many labs open, most people who have been here for a year or prove they have a brain get their own lab for their own pet projects. The main labs are for the big projects, the ones regarding the city and for Rodney or Radek to keep an eye on the newcomers. Lorne and I only know where they are for security reasons in case of a disaster, Rodney knows because he assigns them. They might be able to take main labs but each of the individual labs is networked in, and some of them even have hard line communication to the control tower. I’ve had marines working on that for months trying to get everything networked in after the false quarantine,” he explained. 

“That is not on any reports,” Woolsey said.

“Explain,” O’Neill said at the same time.

John winced at the dual frowns and shrugged. “Rodney and I have been here a long time. We can’t always predict problems, but we can take steps after to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Nothing we do affects the overall security of the base and we don’t put it into reports because honestly sirs, we’ve been the red headed step child for so long we didn’t want to rely on Earth and the IOA.”

John saw both of the other men wince at that, their frowns fading a little bit more. He knew it wasn’t their fault, but it was still something that rankled him. He and Rodney had long since voiced their irritation with each other about what and who had been brought to Atlantis when they first stepped through the gate. It had been short sighted, badly planned and nothing short of a miracle. Both John and Rodney knew if they hadn’t met Teyla first, the whole expedition would have turned out a lot worse.

He continued. “We have weapon and supply caches around the city, there are access tunnels and shortcuts we’ve found that aren’t on maps. There are hidden transporters and rooms all over the place. It’s a rat’s maze and if you’ve been here for more than a year I can guarantee you know some hidden places.”

O’Neill was still frowning, but Woolsey nodded. “That explains the panic room in my office,” he said dryly.

John nodded. “Elizabeth found that the first week, it’s the only reason she was allowed to use that as her office. It’s a logistical nightmare otherwise. We don’t put a lot of stuff on reports for safety, the only caveat is that both Rodney and I need to know about it. If we find someone is hiding a room or something from us? They get bounced back as soon as we can and that room is put on the main map. This city spent decades under attack from the wraith, it stands to reason that this whole place is a warren. It’s hard to attack people in a city they don’t know well, especially if the transporter maps can be adjusted.”

John grinned at the poleaxed looks on their faces, and he wished he could take a photo, just to show Rodney later. “I have a transporter in my office that’s hidden behind a panel that takes me to the ZPM room, the armory and the control tower.”

O’Neill let out a long-suffering sigh and turned to look out across the water. The sun had set fully by now, the world outside of the cloak was dark. It was the one thing that always weirded John out the most. Atlantis cast out so much light, it reflected against the water, right up until the point the cloak ended and then it was dark, nothing for miles in the directions he could see. 

“I want to be mad Colonel, but at the same time, if the IOA does choose to attack, I think their plan will fail, and it means I can’t be too mad,” O’Neill said. 

John shrugged unapologetically. “Would you have done it differently?”

“No, no I wouldn’t.” 

John looked out across the ocean, his eyes drawn to a pinprick of light in the distance. For some reason it nagged at him. He frowned standing up straighter, trying to focus despite knowing it was futile. O’Neill noticed what he was doing and followed his gaze. The light seemed to be growing larger and it took John a second to realize that it was coming from the open ocean and not from San Francisco. 

“Colonel,” O’Neill began slowly.

“I know,” he replied, wondering if the IOA really could be making their move. “Do you think?”

“I really hope it’s just a joy ride.”

“Do you believe it is sir?”

“Nope, not in the slightest.”

“Me either,” John said softly, reaching up to toggle his comm.

“Lorne, get to the control room asap,” he said, not waiting or the conformation before switching to the team channel. “McKay, get to the control room now.”

John turned, leaving Woolsey with O’Neill and jogged into the central tower, glad to see Lorne step out of the transporter, Rodney on his heels. John moved into the main control room and went to the sensor maps, frowning at them, trying to spot what he had seen a few seconds ago. He could hear people coming up behind him and he turned, spotting Rodney and Lorne and wasn’t surprised to see Ronon and Teyla join them.

“What’s up sir?” Lorne asked.

“There’s something…,” he said attention drawn towards the map before suddenly pointing at the small blip he had seen. “This isn’t right,” he said keeping his voice down. 

He felt Rodney step up close to him and peer at the map, fingers moving to dance over the screen and suddenly the area he had pointed out grew larger. John watched as more blips appeared after a few seconds and he let out a soft groan.

“I think you were right earlier, and it’s happening now,” he said irritated. 

“Right sir?” Lorne asked and John turned and looked at him. 

“The IOA are dicks,” he said succinctly, ignoring the disgusted look Rodney gave him. 

“What Colonel Sheppard is trying to say,” Rodney said even as his fingers danced across the tablet he had grabbed, doing god only knows what, “is that the IOA may be trying to take control of Atlantis. Either that or someone else who shouldn’t know we’re here.”

“Could it be fishermen or a naval training exercise?” Lorne asked, aiming for optimism. 

John shrugged. “Wanna bet on that Major?”

“No sir.”

John rubbed at this temple and then took a step away from the small group. “Banks, Chuck, have non-Atlantis military lock down in place, invasion protocol, have Atlantis military personnel gear up. I don’t want anyone we don’t know or trust near the weapons.”

Chuck nodded back at him and John left him too it, turning towards the group again, trusting the gate techs to deal with it. He heard footsteps, people running into the room and he turned seeing the rest of O’Neill’s team skid into the control tower and he frowned, taking a few steps so he could look down. “You guys need to go and lock down somewhere,” he ordered.

“We can help Colonel,” Carter replied even as he jogged up the stairs.

John could feel a headache brewing already. “Maybe, but a lot has changed ma’am. It’ll be easier if you go, lock down and let us handle it.”

Carter looked over his shoulder towards O’Neill and John clenched his jaw, trying not to let his irritation show. “Sir?” she asked.

“Listen to him, he’s the CO, it’s his show,” O’Neill said clapping him on his shoulder and some of the tension left him and he turned towards his team. 

“Lorne, get someone to get them to a room where they can lock in as soon as possible,” he said moving to stand next to Rodney. “Can we raise the shield?”

Rodney shook his head. “Once we switch to shields we’ll lose the cloak for good, I don’t want to risk it, not yet.”

“Sir?” Lorne said and John turned at the urgency in his voice. “Comms are down.”

“Shit,” John said tapping his own comm and trying to get a line to anyone in the city. 

“Chuck, I need you to try and raise someone on the hardline labs, Banks, scan the city sensors and see if you can see what’s happening, we need to know.”

He got affirmations from both of them and he went to stand next to Lorne. “I need you to go create a perimeter around the control tower.

Lorne shot a glance at Rodney who nodded. “Yessir,” he said turning and going. 

“McKay,” he said, silently asking about Lorne and what the hell was going on.

“Later John,” Rodney said desperately. 

John ground his teeth together, wanting to argue. He wanted to know why Rodney had nodded, and why the itch between his shoulders reminded him on the times he had been hunted by the wraith. He was in the dark about something with Rodney and Lorne, under attack by the IOA and he was finding himself pissed off. 

“Will Lorne respect my orders?” he asked, unable to help himself and glad when Rodney flinched a little bit. 

“Christ, Sheppard yes,” Rodney said, sounding more hurt than angry.

There was something nagging at the back of his mind, a thought that wasn’t fully formed but he knew it was important. This wasn’t the time, and the sinking feeling in his gut was not helping matters. It would have to wait, it wasn’t the time. He needed to trust Rodney and Lorne. It had been a long time since he’d even had a fission of doubt about either of them, especially Rodney. Gritting his teeth, he reined in his emotions and double checked his gun and holster before looking around the control room. SG-1 was still there, although they were in a corner with Woolsey and O’Neill. 

John glared at Rodney once more. “This isn’t good,” he said dropping his voice so only Rodney could hear him.

“We can handle this,” Rodney replied, still looking a little hurt from before.

“We need the comms back online, we’re cut off here and we need to—”

Before he could finish there was a commotion and he ran back to the balcony to see soldiers pouring in through the door. He felt anger bubble inside of him, too little and too late. He was sure these were the people already in the city, the one on the boats were just back up, or a diversion. He grabbed his gun and took aim but hesitated, a part of him not wanting to shoot. 

“Colonel, the boats aren’t here yet,” Rodney said from behind him. “They had to be a diversion.” 

John groaned. “I know!” he said, hearing the tension in his own voice as he turned back to the group. “Ronon, stun only!”

He didn’t want to shoot them, they weren’t the enemy, not yet and Ronon was the only one who could stun. John was glad when he didn’t hesitate and began to shoot down at the group. It was easy pickings, and John watched as soldiers fell, but more seemed to come in with their weapons up and began to shoot back. John ducked down behind the wall as he heard the first stun blast strike the wall, a moment of relief for the stun not the bullet. 

“Fuck,” he muttered. 

All sounds but stun blasts were drowned out for a few seconds and John feared for everyone else, glancing around the room and glad to see he wasn’t the only person crouching, Rodney was even still working on his tablet, used to working under fire. A sharp command cut through the air and there was silence.

“Colonel, tell your men to put down their weapons, it is over,” Xiaoyi’s familiar voice rang around the now silent room.

John growled but dropped his weapon, indicating everyone else needed to stay down, even as he stood up, his hands raised. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” he barked out, finding her protected behind her soldiers. He glared at her, his hands clenching and unclenching wanting to go down there and rip the smug smirk of off her face.

“I thought it would be obvious,” Nechayev said, walking in and standing next to Xiaoyi. 

“Obvious yeah, doesn’t make it less stupid.”

He saw the flash of anger on Xiaoyi’s face and it made him feel better, helped him settle down and feel more in control. The fact that he could needle her told him she wasn’t one hundred percent certain about her position, and he was fully prepared to make her doubt it even more. 

“Americans have controlled all of the technology for so long, Atlantis should be ours.”

“From my understanding us Americans are also funding most of the bills, so why don’t you pay on up and we can discuss you taking my city from me.”

“It is not your city Colonel, you know that as well as I do, we have control of this city, and there is nothing you can do or say. It was a nice trick to get everyone to lock themselves in, but it is no matter, we will find a way into their rooms eventually,” Xiaoyi continued.

“Is that why you need the extra men in the boats?” he asked. “Because your current men are useless and couldn’t open a door if it was push only?”

“They will be most useful,” Xiaoyi said, not rising to the bait this time. 

He could see Rodney moving, his fingers counting down until it hit zero and John realized he was counting down to when the boat docked. He kept his face steady as he turned back to look at the pair of the IOA committee members. 

John dropped his hands onto the railing, ignoring the way the guns shifted to aim more fully at him. If someone got an itchy trigger finger it was going to be painful. He didn’t know what repeated stun blasts did to people and he didn’t want to be the guinea pig for that experiment. He needed to stay in control, and more importantly to look like he was in control. He needed to keep the attention on him as Rodney did whatever it was he was doing. Hopefully blocking the new invaders from actually coming inside the city. 

Xiaoyi looked at him for a moment and he smirked at her, the insolent smirk that had almost gotten him discharged more times than he could count. It was the smirk that had riled up his father and everyone else who had ever been in a position of authority over him. He was glad to see that it still worked, still made people flush with anger. He leaned forward, elbows resting on the railing as he looked down. She narrowed her eyes at him before beginning to bark orders out.

He wasn’t surprised as people stormed up and grabbed him, SG-1, the technicians, Teyla and Ronon. He was a little surprised when Rodney and Woolsey were made to stay, although the former had his tablet taken and a gun pointed in his face. John just hoped Rodney had had enough time to do something.

As they were hustled down he passed Xiaoyi on the stairs and he sneered at her, baring his teeth, Ronon and Teyla copying him. He enjoyed the way she flinched back, the flush of fear and anger on her face. He had spent so long while on Earth kissing ass, he was glad to be done with it. 

“Any movement Colonel and we will start shooting,” she said as they passed on the stairs.

“And here I thought that noise before was just some firecrackers.”

He was shoved the last couple of steps and he stumbled down the steps, losing his balance and crashing down, landing on a shoulder but managing to turn it into an ungainly roll. He kept rolling, moving to stand back up, but hands gripping his shoulders kept him on his knees. He watched as the rest of the group was pushed down into around him, Ronon and Teyla thankfully on either side of him. They shifted, shoulder to shoulder to form a wall, and he could feel the tension in their shoulders matching his own. They were pissed, worried about Rodney and right then John wanted to grab the nearest gun and go charging up the steps. He titled his head back, wishing he could hear and see what was happening. 

“—no that’s not possible,” Rodney’s voice suddenly boomed out across the room, “Listen, I know that you’re an idiot so I’ll try and make this simple—”

John fought back a grin that faded when Rodney’s voice was cut off with a sharp thud and John tensed. He could feel Teyla and Ronon tense on either side of him. He knew that sound, the sound of the butt of a gun hitting someone’s face. 

“What the hell was that for?” Rodney’s voice game a few seconds later. “Do you enjoy playing wack-a-brain-cell? Don’t ask stupid questions if you want to be taken seriously.”

There was another thumping sound followed by a groan of pain John definitely recognized at Rodney’s. He felt a growl deep in his throat and it was only the suddenly press of two shoulders against his that stopped him from trying to charge up the stairs. He knew it would be suicidal, but he couldn’t help it, and he knew Teyla and Ronon felt the same way, they just kept their cool better than he did. Especially when it came to Rodney. 

“Fine…fine,” Rodney said after a few tense moments. 

John wanted to know what was going on. He was still mad for so many reasons. This had been planned for a while and planned well enough it had taken them by surprise. He had no doubt the meeting today was what had set it off, and he could only hope that it made them sloppier. He was pissed off and the only thing stopping him from riding the metaphorical nuke into the ship was the press of his teammates against his shoulders. He knew they were ready to go just as much as he was, and as soon as he had a plan that they would be by his side. Rodney was family, and the three of them would be damned before they allowed him to be hurt

“Be calm John,” Teyla said, her voice low and he glanced at her, seeing the same frustration and anger on her face. 

“Kinda hard,” Ronon said from his other side, the same look on his face.

John nodded. His anger was growing, he wanted to throw every single person who was pointing a gun at someone in his city, at his teammates, at _Rodney_ in a cell with a wraith and show them what true fear is. 

“Any ideas Colonel?” he heard from behind him, and he turned to look at a pissed off O’Neill.

“Working on it,” he muttered, not wanting to draw attention more than they already had.

“Shitty odds,” Ronon said. 

“Impossible odds,” he replied turning his head to try and get some sense of what was happening. 

The room had been filled earlier, but now people were beginning to disperse, moving away from the main control room and setting up a perimeter. 

“We need comms up, I don’t know if Lorne managed to get anyone,” John muttered looking over his shoulder to where the others sat, all looking as pissed off as he felt.

“I have to say Colonel your people did not put up much of a fight,” Xiaoyi said as she came down the stairs.

John did his best to keep his face blank as he shrugged. “Most people don’t put up much of an _initial_ fight when they’re stabbed in the back.”

Xiaoyi just smiled at him, the same bored with you smile he had seen a thousand time at the meetings. “Perhaps, but it is the way of the world. Empires rise, and then they fall. And yours never got high off the ground.”

John stayed silent, dropping back onto his heels and relaxing a little bit, attempting to look bored and relaxed, not wanting to engage with her. He had found over the years people would either hit him or not, and nothing he said made a damned different. Most people wanted to talk, to hear the sound of their own voice. As cliché as it was to hear the villain lay out their entire plan, it was something he had seen more times than not. People like Xiaoyi had an ego, and she wanted it to be stroked. For all of them to understand the supposed greatness of her plan.

“Atlantis will be moved to Hangzhou Bay, for all of the world to see. We will become the world leaders in energy, weapons and so much else. China will be the crown jewel she has always meant to be.”

John just shrugged, seeing the fire in Xiaoyi and not finding it in himself to care that much. As far he could see he would be dead, or he would get the city back. Despite his gene, they wouldn’t risk him being alive, not with what they knew he was capable of. John just raised an eyebrow when Xiaoyi looked at him. She wanted power, she wanted recognition and he wouldn’t give it to her. He had scared her on the staircase, and despite her holding them hostage he knew it had annoyed her, that she was so easily frightened. She wouldn’t have lasted a day as commander of Atlantis, no matter what her ego told her. 

Xiaoyi looked irritated with his unwillingness to rise to her bait, and he settled even more, pasting on the insolent smirk he was well used to using when faced with assholes like this. And like every other time, it worked this time as well. 

“There is nothing you and your people can do.”

John shrugged once more. “We’ll see about that, won’t we?”

He had faith, he had absolute confidence in the people of his city to get through this. Whatever Lorne and Rodney were up too, he knew they wouldn’t hurt the city. He knew they would do all they could for the city, and the nagging feeling in his chest wasn’t enough to make him doubt it.

He knew they were capable, knew how much they loved the city and a group led by power hungry idiots wasn’t going to take that away from them. They might try, but they would fail. John just hoped no one died because of their stupidity. 

“Xiaoyi,” Nechayev said, bringing the attention up to the balcony.

“What?” she replied, clearly irritated.

“We lost contact with our outer defenses.

John’s smirk grew, Xiaoyi shooting a glance at him. “Nothing?”

He felt a kick against his back and he was thrown forward, hands dropping down to the floor and skidding a bit, barely managing to arrest his fall before his chin hit the ground. He took a moment to catch his breath, feeling Ronon and Teyla grip his shoulder and pull him back onto his knees. He turned his head, seeing a large marine standing behind him, face impassive.

“Well that was rude,” he said, sniffing a bit as he rolled his shoulder. He could feel a bruise already forming from when he had landed on it on the stairs, but nothing felt damaged and so he settled back. 

“Perhaps next time he should kick a bit higher?” Xiaoyi offered. 

“And ruin this stimulating conversation?” he asked. 

A second kick knocked the wind out of him again and although he was ready for it, it still hurt like hell. He let out a soft groan, not seeing the point in being stoic right then. He stayed on his hands and knees, waiting for his breath to come back before sitting back up. Xiaoyi was watching his reactions, smirking smugly. 

“We’ve lost contact with group two!” Nechayev’s sharp voice rang out across the room. 

Xiaoyi’s smirk faded and John’s grew, watching as she flushed with anger again. For a politician, she was easy to read and John would take full advantage, keeping her attention away from whatever Rodney was hopefully doing. She turned, beginning to speak rapid fire to the group around her. John watched as all the points were covered, stun blasters exchanged for guns and John felt the first fission of worry in his gut. Blasters were one thing, guns were another. Guns meant death, and he had no way of contacting his men. 

“It’ll be a blood bath,” he muttered, beginning to shift onto his knees, getting ready to make a run for one of the doors to draw their attention. It would be better for him to be shot than for one of his people. A hand on each arm clamped down, holding him in place.

“Be still Colonel,” Teyla hissed out, her short nails digging into his arm. “Trust Major Lorne, he is not stupid. He knows what he is looking for. As do the others.”

Ronon’s arm wrapped completely around his forearm and held him in place. “Now’s not the time to fight.”

John gritted his teeth but stayed where he was, the tension in his jaw beginning to ache. He wanted to jump up and run and help, let himself be shot or hurt instead of one of his men. He could feel the itch between his shoulders, the need to throw himself in the way if only to spare someone else the pain of getting hurt. It was only the hands on his arms holding him in place, keeping him where he was. 

“Group three is out of contact, we need to have everyone fall back. They don’t know where they’re coming from,” Nechayev said sounding as irritated as Xiaoyi looked.

“Problems?” John couldn’t help but ask, snarling more than speaking at this point.

Xiaoyi shot another look at him and John fought to keep his face passive. He trusted Lorne and his men, he needed to let them do what they did best. They were marines. His men knew the city almost as well as he did, they knew the back ways, the hidden hallways. The warren of rooms and hallways were nothing compared to the underbelly of Atlantis. This was their city, they had explored so much of it and still there were new things to find. 

They were the best, and he needed to trust them. Despite what had happened earlier, he needed to trust Lorne. 

“Group four down,” Nechayev all but yelled into his comm. “Five and six, fall back to gate room!”

The room erupted into chaos, more men pouring into the room, shoring up the groups. There was pandemonium as orders were shouted in Russian and Chinese, seemingly countermanding each other if the mess of men running into each other was any indication. There was a reason that everyone on Atlantis needed a strong understanding of English.

“You know this isn’t the first time we’ve been attacked on Atlantis,” John called out. He didn’t know what Lorne and the others were doing, he didn’t have comms, but he could keep attention on himself when he needed too. It couldn’t hurt. 

“Each and every time someone has come into our city, and tried to take it away from us, they’ve failed. What makes you think any of you will be different?” he asked, pitching his voice louder.

“Shut him up!” came a barked response from up in the balcony. 

A foot to his back sent him sprawling again and he groaned as he pushed himself back up to his knees. 

“You’ve already lost, backed into the control room. Where are you going to go from here? You’re surrounded,” he taunted, pitching his voice to be heard. He was ready for the next kick but fell still and silent when a gun was pressed against the back of his head. He swallowed, his spine going straight with fear. 

“I would be quiet if I were you Colonel Sheppard,” Xiaoyi said, and John just smiled at her. She was trying to look arrogant, like she was still in control but he could see the worry and tension behind that mask. He shrugged and settled back on his heels.

“You’re going to lose.” John had made a career out of ignoring orders. “You can’t win.”

“We have hostages,” Xiaoyi replied instantly and John shrugged in response. 

“Major Lorne knows what to do. General Landry and the president might not like me, but they sure as hell like O’Neill, Jackson and Carter. You won’t touch them, you’re not that brave,” John mused. “As for me and my team? Atlantis has the best and brightest, they can take care of themselves, we made sure of that. We’ve been dealing with the Wraith for years now, humans just aren’t that scary.”

By now, John could see worry on some of the soldiers faces. He knew that look. They hadn’t come here to die, or come here to kill. They had come by the order of their commander for some political machinations of someone they had never even met. He was sure a lot of them had even made friends, if they had been assigned to the labs. People were social, they liked meeting people and friendship were bound to happen regardless of intentions. 

“You are wrong.”

Xiaoyi’s face was bright red by now, vibrating with anger and frustration her words didn’t ring true and he knew even she knew that. Her men knew that. He watched as she tried to pull herself back into her own skin, to stop giving away so much with her body posture. But fear was making it hard. She wasn’t one for the front lines, she never had been. 

John had been raised at the knee of powerful men, his father’s friends changed the world with words and money. His teenage years had been wrought with arguments over everything, the father-son bond disintegrating between his need to fly and his father’s chains trying to keep him tethered. Xiaoyi was no different than those men he had grown up around, the petty strive for power for no other reason than power. 

John just smiled, the same smile he used whenever a CO had been yelling at him, whenever his father had berated him for his posture, or his teachers for trying to get him to apply himself. It was a smile that had made his career a patchwork of post-it note barbs and whispered condemnations. He wasn’t the maverick people thought he was, but he wasn’t a saint either. He knew how to toe the line, and he knew when it throw himself over it without abandon. 

She was every CO who threw men to the wolves without regards for life. She didn’t understand, and she never would. She was just like everyone else, and just like everyone else, she chafed at his easy dismissal of her. 

“No, I’m not.”

John didn’t know what was happening outside of his room, but he knew they were winning, knew it from the tension in the backs of the men and from the widening of Xiaoyi’s eyes. He could begin to hear yelling, and the rapport of stun weapons. He could see the shifting in the men like a wave, the tension almost palpable. He shifted as well, legs tensing with the need to strike, and he saw true fear shift through her at whatever was on his face. He had seen that fear before, on the Genii, on the missions when he had torn through men to get to his team. He could feel himself settling down, adrenaline spiking as he dropped into where the solider inside of him lived. 

He might have been a pilot first, but SpecOps had turned him into a solider and Pegasus had sharpened him. He rolled his weight to rest easily on his heels, feeling Ronon and Teyla’s hands drop away from his arm. He didn’t know what his people behind him were doing, and he didn’t care. He needed the attention, he needed them to watch him so his friends wouldn’t get hurt. 

“You could save a lot of lives if you dropped your weapons,” he offered.

Xiaoyi glared at him and said nothing. John just shrugged again. “It’s your choice, and it maybe the first smart one you make today,” he said trying to be cajoling and coming out gloating instead. He had never said he was good at negotiations after all. 

“Enough,” Nechayev’s voice slid across the room right before John was kicked again, this time at the top of his spine, his head snapping forward and pain blossoming out. The whining of a stun weapon charging was the only warning he had before the room went black.


	3. Chapter 3

The first thing John became aware of after opening his eyes was how quiet it was. 

He knew he was on Atlantis, the familiar blue gray not-metal all around him that was unique to Atlantis gave it away. There was no background hum, no warmth spreading through his bones telling him he was home. He felt disquieted, nervousness spreading through his shoulders. It felt like Atlantis had died, and a voice that sounded suspiciously like Rodney’s muttering about how Atlantis was not sentient, no matter how many sci-fi movies they saw.

He groaned when he tensed up, an ache in his back flaring to life. He took a few breaths to steady himself before rolling to his side, taking the pressing of off his back. Between falling down the stairs, the kicks to his back and the kick to his neck he was sure to have left a truly incredible bruise. He could feel his fingers and toes, so he was taking being kicked in the neck a painful win. 

He remembered baiting Xiaoyi, remembered Nechayev’s voice and the staticky feeling in his mouth told him he had been stunned. So, it wasn’t the kick that had knocked him out, but a stun gun. He groaned again, taking a deep breath before pushing himself to sitting. He fought against hunching over as his back spasmed. Not just a bruise, he probably had tweaked something as well. He just hoped there wasn’t a fracture somewhere in his spine. 

He swallowed, working his mouth to try and get some moisture back before licking his lips. “Fuck,” he muttered, stretching his legs out in front of him slowly beginning to bend at the waist, stretching his back in increments. 

He knew he should be faster, but it was hard to get the energy between the bruise, the muddled feeling he had at not feeling Atlantis compounded with the knowledge he was still on Atlantis. The part of him that felt at home on Atlantis made him feel lethargic. He felt safe here, despite logic telling him otherwise. He stopped moving, hands resting on his shins, not wanting to stretch as much as he usually could. He rolled his shoulders, trying to warm them up in a futile hope that the bruise would stop hurting as much. After a few seconds he felt like he could stand and open his eyes again and he did, looking around and taking stock. 

He was in one of the holding cells they had recently finished building. It had been a feat between Rodney and a couple of the marines with engineering experience. A half circle room with multiple cells, no technology, no gene required. Just good quality metal and locks you couldn’t reach from inside the cells. Rodney had spent two months going crazy and reading over every mission report he could find that included breaking out of a cell, using each data point to refine his idea. The end result was modern day Alcatraz, and John knew he wouldn’t be getting out without help.

Teyla and Ronon were beginning to stir next to him, and he could hear noises coming from other cells. His gun was still strapped to his leg, and he could feel the knife in his boot, so he was armed but he was in the same BDU’s he had been wearing when they had been attacked. The fact that he was in jail made sense, but the fact that he was armed did not. 

A muttered oath behind him caused him to turn, watching as Teyla sat up, rubbing at her head. 

“You okay?” he asked, going down to kneel next to her, one hand on her shoulder as she looked around. 

“I will be fine, and yourself?” she asked, looking up at him, looking as pissed as he felt.

“Back,” he said with a wince.

Suddenly Ronon growled and sprung up, stumbling as the after effects of the stunning finished wearing off. John stayed silent as Ronon paced, Teyla standing next to him. This wasn’t the first time the group had been locked in a cell, and it hadn’t taken long for them to Ronon needed to get past the first initial anger and then they could work their way out. Rodney would have a plan no doubt, something too…

His thoughts trailed off as he spun around quickly, looking at the small cell as if it would hold the answer he needed. A single bed and a toilet with a sink were along the wall but aside from that it was empty.

“Where’s McKay?” he said, voice sharp as he turned back around, looking at the other two.

Instantly Ronan and Teyla were alert, and looking around, seeing what he had seen. There weren’t many places to hide. Rodney wasn’t here. He took a few steps forward, hands going to the bars and gripping them as he leaned forward, trying desperately to see into any of the other cells. 

“McKay!” he said, voice carrying through the room easily. “Where are you? What cell are you in?”

Nothing but silence. He frowned, mind working quickly as he tried to figure out where he could be. Rodney was usually the last to wake up, so he could still be out cold, but there was also the chance he hadn’t been brought here.

It made no sense, out of all of them Rodney was the most dangerous in the city, the one who knew the most. Especially with this jail cell, John wouldn’t be surprised to find out Rodney had built in a way to get out of the cells, that only he knew about. Just in case. The worry was building in his gut, wondering if Rodney was still working on something, clearly Lorne hadn’t been successful. Had something happened to Rodney in the firefight? He could feel the frenetic energy that came any time a member of his team was missing or injured, always doubled for Rodney, knowing the scientist had a big mouth and no filter. 

There were groans coming from the other cells and he shook the bars, wishing they would shake loose, understanding the rage Ronon had felt earlier. He felt his teammates come stand closer to him, shoulders pressed against him, shoring him up even as he felt their tension rising as well. 

“Rodney!” he bellowed, ignoring the edge of desperation and the way his voice cracked halfway through the name. 

“Christ Sheppard, you always that loud first thing in the morning? No wonder you’re divorced.”

It took a second to place the dry tone, remembering O’Neill a second later.

“Sorry sir, I seemed to have misplaced McKay, any chance he’s with you?” he asked, resting his forehead against the bars and closing his eyes, trying to stop his heart from racing and the sinking aching feeling in his gut squeezing his lungs. 

“Nope,” came the reply, the single word popping on the p and making him groan under his breath.

It was times like these that John envied the General his ability to sound as collected as he did when all he felt like doing was screaming. “I’ve got Sam and Daniel, and Mr. Woolsey, but no McKay.” He heard a muttered ‘thank god’ but pushed it from his mind. Now was not time to get pissed off for something as innocuous as that. 

John banged his forehead against the cell and groaned, his mind running through several scenarios starting with Rodney being passed out in a third cell and ending with torture and death. 

“Did anyone see what happened?” Teyla asked. 

It was a good question to ask, one John wasn’t one hundred percent sure he had the brain capacity to consider. He leaned against her slightly, thanking her without words. 

“Well I remember Sheppard getting kicked in the head and stunned, then we all got stunned, then I woke up here,” O’Neill replied. “Still armed though, that’s new and exciting.”

The dry comment brought caused John to snort. New was an understatement, but it wasn’t something he was going to complain about. He took a step back from the cell wall and started pacing, the worry making it hard for him to settle. The throb across his shoulders wasn’t helping him either. Ronon began to pace as well, the two of them in counterpoint as Teyla sat on the bed.

John flexed his hands by his sides, fighting the need to grab something and find out more information. They were in the dark, and there was no way for them to find anything out. Rodney was missing, and them being split up never worked out well for Rodney, he just hoped he was missing because the IOA needed him to fix something and not for some other reason.

More groans could be heard from the other cell, and he could hear O’Neill talking to the rest of SG-1. 

“Everyone else remembers the same thing, guns, yelling, excitement, bright light, jail cell,” O’Neill said after a few moments and John let out a frustrated sigh.

“So, what do we think happened?” he asked, not even sure he could begin to even think about it. “I can’t see Lorne giving up easily, and the IOA would have to go through them to put us here.” 

“Well Colonel, I was hoping you could do your little magic thinky think and open these doors for us so we can find out.”

“That isn’t possible General,” Teyla replied before John had a moment to process the use of “thinky think”. “These cells were designed to hold both wraith and ATA positive individuals, they need a key.”

“An honest to God old fashioned key,” John added. “McKay designed these cells with Alcatraz in mind, he just wanted them to be actually unbreakable. Two keys are needed, one to unlock the locks in order to get the second key into the locks. The first one is outside of his room. Can’t pick the locks because we can’t get to the mechanisms, can’t think them open and even if I could, there’s something wrong with Atlantis, I can’t feel anything.”

If Rodney hadn’t been missing, not being able to hear Atlantis would have worried him the most. The quiet in the room was oppressive. He was used to being in places without the comforting hum of Atlantis, but being on Atlantis and hearing the silence felt like a ghost limb. 

“Sometimes I really think he is too smart for his own good.”

Carter’s voice joined the fray and John nodded, even though he knew they couldn’t see him. His ideas were brilliant, until they backfired like this. Which was why they needed Rodney here and they needed him now. He could figure something out, he always did. Claustrophobia, paranoia and a healthy fear of his own mortality over the years had made Rodney the Houdini of escaping cells. 

“What do you mean you can’t feel Atlantis?”

“I mean sir, sh— it’s quiet, there’s no humming in the background of my mind, I can’t connect. I don’t know how to explain it. Even when the majority of the city doesn’t have power I can feel something, but right now it’s quiet. Like sh-its dead.”

There was silence following his statement as everyone took in his statement.

“Well, fuck.”

It was a bit of a shock to hear Woolsey’s voice cutting through the silence, and he was sure he had never heard the IOA representative swear, even when everything was falling around about him and the wraith were attacking. 

“Yeah,” was the only thing he could come up with, even as he kept pacing.

“John, you should sit, conserve your strength,” Teyla chided him, reaching out to stop him. 

It’s your team they can help, he told himself, as Teyla guided him to sit. It was times like these he needed touch, needed the grounding, and he hated that he did, fighting against the urge to flinch away. John dropped his elbows onto his knees and leaned forward carefully, wary of his back. He felt the bed dip next to him, Ronon’s shoulder bracing him, Teyla scooting closer to his other side so they were grounding him. 

He had gotten so lucky with his team. Ford was still an ache of failure in his chest, he always would be. But Ronon had slotted in with them seamlessly, in a way that Ford hadn’t, and John wouldn’t trade his team for anything. They knew him, knew what he needed and he never had to ask for it. It made it easier, to want and have things if he didn’t have to express them. He knew they were just as worried about Rodney as he was, but he also knew they understood his feelings towards Rodney were different than theirs. 

“How is your back?” Teyla asked.

John grimaced. “Sore, I don’t think anything serious. Deep bruise, tweaked muscle, I can feel everything so that’s a plus, sort of. It mostly hurts to stretch or move it too quickly,” he said keeping his voice down. “I can though, if needed.”

“They kicked you pretty high that last time,” Ronon rumbled.

“I know.”

“Got lucky, didn’t snap something.”

“I know.”

A clank at the end of the hallway brought their conversation to a halt, John shooting to his feet and taking the two steps to the bars before he thought about it. He wanted to press himself through the bars, to grab and wring the neck of whoever was coming in until they told him where Rodney was. Teyla and Ronon were at his side, tension rocketing between the three of them, and John knew they were thinking the same thing he was. 

The door opened and suddenly Rodney stepped through, striding across the room, blue science shirt and face streaked with something black. John all but sagged against the cell in relief at Rodney’s face, the anger and rage draining out of him leaving him almost breathless. 

“McKay!” John called, glad to see he was apparently unharmed. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as he thought it was. He could hear the others echo McKay’s name as he passed their cell. “Can you get us out of here buddy? How did you get out? What the fuck is happening?”

Rodney glanced to the left, presumably to the cell that SG-1 was in, head turning and ignoring them without even a single comment, before stopping outside of their cell, fingers wrapping around the bars, but not – to Johns’ consternation – moving to unlock the cell. 

“You guys okay?” he asked instead, sharp eyes looking over the three of them.

This close John could see the grease across his face was actually the start of a black eye forming and he could feel rage beginning to build in his gut again. He reached out, fingers tracing the edge of his cheekbone. Rodney grimaced but didn’t jerk away. 

“Sore back,” John said shortly. “You?”

“Had Biro look at it, it’s just a bruise. Hurts like hell,” Rodney said waving it away. 

“What’s happening? Who has control of Atlantis?” John asked, voice sharpening from worried friend to military commander as his hand dropped down.

Rodney stilled and went silent, a look that John didn’t understand crossing his face. A moment passed before Rodney cleared his throat and looked right at John. “I do.”

There was silence following his pronouncement as John tried to process what he had just been told. He opened his mouth to speak but before he could get there Rodney was off again. 

“I don’t have time to explain right now, everything and everyone is okay, we’re all fine. No one is injured, the strike teams have been dealt with, the IOA had been dealt with. But we don’t have a lot of time and I have a lot to do and I cannot explain it right now okay? I just need...”

Whatever he was about to say faded into the air as Rodney trailed off, throat moving as he swallowed. It took a few seconds before he tilted his chin up, the familiar determined and stubborn look John loved and hated in equal measure focused on him. 

“Atlantis is a weapon, and I don’t trust Earth. They had a chance and they lost it. The IOA members are greedy and want power, they have some sort of idealistic dream of absolute control. It’ll end in another war and with everything out there,” Rodney waved towards the ceiling, not needing to say anything else. “Atlantis was on Earth for six months before someone made a move. It can’t happen again.”

Rodney bit his lip at this and he took a step back, hands rubbing over his face and up over his head, exhaustion and nervous energy writ across his body and motions.

“I am taking Atlantis back to the Pegasus galaxy where it belongs, we’re declaring independence.”

Rodney’s frowned, the odd tilt to his mouth only accentuated by worry, and oddly grief. There was silence following Rodney words and John knew he was staring at Rodney, trying to reconcile that statement with the fact that he was in a cell. Independence, he was all for it. He had begun to think he would need to steal the city, fuck the IOA and fuck the SGC, but he had never known how to bring it up to Rodney, and had no clue where to even start planning something of that magnitude.

“Rodney…” he started only to be cut off as McKay moved forward, fingers wrapping around the bar once more, and eyes intense. 

“I have a plan, but we don’t have a lot of time, we have to get the city ready and get our people on it before we can go, and I don’t have time to explain everything to you guys. We’ve planned for this, we all know what to do and can’t have anyone who doesn’t know underfoot, not with the time crunch. I promise as soon as we’re in the air I’ll answer any questions you have, and let you out but right now I need…”

At this Rodney trailed and closed his eyes taking a deep breath before he opened them, once again pinning John with the intensity of his gaze.

“John, I need you to trust me.”

The words hung between them.

_Trust me_. 

There was so much history between them in those words. Rodney had asked him to trust him during Doranda, and even though he had forgiven Rodney for that, he never forgot the abuse of that trust. It was a bruise to temper his belief that Rodney was infallible. As time went on, that trust only grew with each moment Rodney came through for them. Rodney never used trust me again. _Believe me_. _I’ve got this_. _It’ll be fine_. But Rodney never asked John to trust him again and he knew that was calculated, as was this one. Rodney knew what lay between them, so much said with so little words. He was hit with startling clarity that Lorne had known about this, that they had planned to start this the moment the IOA had stepped into the city. The fission of hurt that shot though his gut must have been visible on his face because Rodney flinched.

“John,” Rodney said softly, and John shook his head.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, Rodney had asked him specifically. Despite the hurt that was building like an ache between his ribs, he knew the answer like he knew his own name. 

“I do.”

Rodney let out a long breath, stuttered and John finally opened his eyes, rage and hurt overtaking any other feeling he might have for Rodney in that moment. 

“You better have a good fucking explanation after all of this,” he growled, as he shifted his hands, over lapping Rodney’s and squeezing. He trusted him, but it didn’t mean he was happy with him.

Relief washed over Rodney’s face as his eyes slid shut for a moment. Rodney’s hand moved, tilting so their fingers slid together, a reminder of the balcony only earlier in the day, or whenever it was. John didn’t know how much time had passed. 

Sudden realization of what Rodney had said rushed through him and he swallowed, squeezing Rodney’s hand as hope raced through him, warming him up, tempering the ache just a bit. Rodney smiled at him, reading his face easily and took a step back, their hands detaching from each other. 

“I have an explanation, I don’t know if you’ll like it, but I promise I’ll explain everything.”

McKay looked at Ronon and Teyla, moving to grab both of their hands, checking on them before he turned and walked out of the room, almost jogging in his haste. The locks clicked once more and the silence descended again. 

John took a few steps back and dropped onto the bed, back dropping back against the wall. The sudden pain had him hissing and he sat up, shifting to try and get comfortable, not able to rest against his upper shoulders. He felt two bodies drop to either side of him, sitting closer before Teyla pulled him back, his shoulders resting against theirs so his back wasn’t pressed against the wall. It wasn’t the most comfortable, but it was something. He dropped his head back against the wall, eyes closed and he let out a low groan. 

He rolled his head to the side when he felt a knee press into his, and he looked at Teyla sitting cross legged and meditating. The worry was drained from her face, replaced by excitement and anticipation. Looking to his other side, he saw Ronon settle, fingers linked and resting on his stomach, eyes closing to take a nap. They didn’t need to say anything, John could read the excitement on their faces and the implicit trust in Rodney. John might be pissed off, but he was going to listen before reacting, Rodney deserved that much from him. 

“You know, if you had asked me a few hours ago who I thought would in charge of stealing Atlantis for independence my first thought would have been you Colonel. In fact, anyone’s would have been. I mean _sure_ McKay would be helping you, but it would be all your plan and he would just be there doing what you told him too.”

O’Neill’s voice broke the silence that had settled after Rodney had left and John found the corners of his lip twitching up into a smile.

“Me too sir,” he replied. 

“Fucking McKay.”

John nodded, not sure what else there was to say. While John had been dreaming, Rodney had been planning, and he wondered for how long. 

“Just like that?” O’Neill spoke up a second later. “He asks you to trust him and you do?”

“Yes.”

Any issues John had with what Rodney was doing, he would ask him later, when it was just the four of them. Not in front of SG-1 and friends. He could remember the times when someone had questioned Rodney in public, the derision in their tones. Ellis, Landry, any person who hadn’t spent any time around Rodney and seen the way he would throw himself in front of danger for the city. 

“You’d do the same thing if it was Carter asking you too.”

John could feel his hackles rising, wanting to fight, but O’Neill was silent and John wasn’t as surprised by that as he thought. The General and Rodney would never have a friendship, but they had learned to respect each other. Somewhat. Rodney was team, he had earned their trust time and time again. 

“McKay’s not playing dumb anymore.”

The rumble from his side had him turning his head to look at Ronon, an eyebrow raised. “What do you mean?” 

“Since when had McKay ever played dumb?” Carter asked at the same time. 

Ronon opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow to match his own. “McKay is too smart, competitive and curious not to be better at a lot of things,” he said simply as if it made all the sense in the world. John felt his other eyebrow raise to join the first, asking Ronon to elaborate, but the Satedan just closed his eyes and settled back. “You’ll see.”

And honestly. John didn’t disagree with the sentiment, even if he could hear a few scoffs of disagreement from the other cell.

* * *

A couple hours later, John rested his head against the wall to feel the rumble of Atlantis as she took off. He wanted to know what was happening, he wanted to know who was flying it, and mostly he wanted to feel Atlantis humming in the back of his head. It was the silence that was getting to him, he trusted Rodney, despite how mad he was. He trusted him to do what was right. But he just wished he _knew_ what was happening. He figured it was Lorne, and he was jealous. He hadn’t been able to land her on Earth, and now he wasn’t able to take her away from Earth and it rankled him. He let out a long sigh, feeling Teyla’s hand cover his own a second later.

“I just wish,” he started before he fell silent. 

Teyla rested her head against his shoulder and he rested his cheek against her head. “I have no doubt in my mind you will have many chances to fly Atlantis.”

“Yeah, but not so many to fly away from my home planet.” 

“Is it home?” Ronon asked slouching down against him. 

John opened his mouth to reply before he shut it again. He hadn’t thought of Earth as home since the moment he stepped through the gate and found himself in a city that made him feel warm, that finally got rid of the cold lonely feeling that had lodged itself inside of him. 

“I still would have liked to fly her away,” he said, sounding more petulant than he wanted. “I feel useless right now, I’ve missed so much and now I’m just sitting here and Rodney is out there and I have no clue what is happening. I don’t even know what happened or who is here or what is going on. I’m supposed to be one of the leaders of the city, and instead I’m sitting here in this cell doing fucking nothing.”

His voice became louder as he spoke, until it finished with a shout and he realized at some point he had stood up and was pacing, arms moving in a habit he had to have picked up from Rodney. He stopped moving once he realized what was happening and groaned, dropping his head into his hands. Sitting still for so long and the sudden movement aggravated his back and he shifted, trying to stretch and roll his shoulders. He jumped when he felt a hand rest on his forearm, tugging it away from his face. 

“I am worried as well,” Teyla said softly before wrapping him up in a hug, careful of his back, and pressed their foreheads together. “But Rodney asked us to trust him, and it is not something he asks from us lightly. We must believe in him.”

He felt Ronon a second later, pulling both of them close and he allowed himself to relax just a little bit. Ronon had never met a group hug he didn’t want to join.

“I do, I trust him,” he said after a few seconds of comfort. “I don’t trust a lot of other people. I want to know where all the soldiers were put, how they moved them, what happened. What about my marines, are they all okay?”

He let out another groan and raised his head. “And fuck it all, is it so bad that all I can think about right now is how excited I am we’re breaking away from Earth because it means that I can actually…you know.”

It felt weird to acknowledge what he and Rodney had been building towards out loud. He knew they understood, and were no doubt happy for them. They had been there for so much between him and Rodney, seen them standing on the precipice for so long, and honestly, both Ronon and Teyla were better at seeing the subtle nuances than he and Rodney were. He loved them for it, their acceptance and understanding of him. He had always been horrible as expressing his emotions, unable to get the words out, ever since he was a teenager in a house where feelings were akin to failure.

He could remember trying to get the words out to Teyla, and how agonizing it had been. He had been grateful she hadn’t needed him to explicitly state what he was trying to stay. It had been the first time someone had known him enough to read into his actions without needing the words. He had always been better with actions, and he finally had friends who both understood, and accepted him in spite of that failure to communicate. It had taken Rodney losing his mind, losing his ability to read into Johns awkward gestures that had made him want to change, to be able to open up and say the words. His team deserved them. 

“We know Sheppard,” Ronon said.

John stayed where he was for a second longer, perversely glad that SG-1 couldn’t see them. He knew part of his frustration was he couldn’t hear Atlantis. He felt like he was reaching for something and couldn’t quite touch, and it was worsening his mood. He shifted and pulled away from the hug, dropping down to the bed and resting his elbows on his knees. He avoided meeting their eyes, feeling uncomfortable after giving away so much.

It was odd, he was better about talking, but he still felt uncomfortable after it all. Except with Rodney. They had seen each other at their worst and most uncomfortable, and now it never bothered him. Rodney always seemed to be the exception to the make-up that was John Sheppard.

It was a little while later when the sound of the locks disengaging drew their attention and he saw Rodney step into the room. He was up, at the cell bars, hands wrapped around them as Rodney walked closer. He looked more exhausted than he had been before, the slight shake of his hands telling John that Rodney had been taking some uppers.

“Letting us out McKay?” O’Neill asked. 

Rodney ignored them, moving to unlock John’s cell and then he was moving, wrapping his arms around Rodney without thinking about it.

He felt arms wrap around his waist and he pressed in close, knowing he was holding too tightly, too desperately. He pressed his face into Rodney’s neck, smelling nothing but sweat and the silicon spray they used on the crystals so they didn’t catch. He felt a hand wrap around the back of his neck, holding him tightly. He didn’t know what to say and instead settled on saying nothing as he felt Ronon and Teyla move up, wrapping them in a hug as well. Join the SGC, go to new planets, enjoy more group hugs. 

“You guys okay?” Rodney asked after a couple of seconds, the four of them disengaging. 

John nodded. “I’m fine,” he said, Ronon and Teyla adding their agreement a second later. 

Rodney looked relieved at that and began to dig into the side of his cargo pockets, eventually pulling out three slim bracelets, a similar one on his own wrist. They were crystals, looking similar to the ones found in the panels everywhere. 

“Wear these,” he said keeping his voice down as he explained. “At least for the moment, it’ll stop you guys from getting stunned.”

John took his and slid it on, watching as it glowed blue for a second before fading to a dull gray. “How?”

“Remember what I told you? On the balcony?” Rodney said, glancing over at the cell where SG-1 was. “There’s a lot I’ll tell you, but I don’t want them to know.”

“The subsystems, is that why I can’t feel Atlantis?” he asked quickly, urgently, needing that answer, wondering why it hadn’t occurred to him before.

“I know, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for that,” Rodney said sounding more contrite about this that he had been about anything else. “I’m not risking anyone from SG-1 from overhearing that part, but I will fix it soon okay? I promise. That wasn’t an outcome I expected”

John frowned but understood. He had so many questions, and he had been promised an explanation, but with SG-1 there he could understand. He didn’t know what was going on yet, not fully, but he still trusted Rodney. He reached for Rodney’s hand and squeezed it, their fingers tangling for a little bit. John wanted to grab the three of them and drag them away, figure everything out with just them, but the responsible part of him knew he needed to sit through this. The petty side of him was also pretty excited. 

Rodney smiled at him and squeezed his fingers back before walking over and standing in front of the cell with SG-1 one in it. He was standing taller, shoulders back instead of hunched forward and he looked settled in his skin, in a way John had only ever seen when he was in his element, yelling about science with bullets flying overhead. He wondered what the people in the cell saw, if they finally saw the teammate they had known for a long time. 

“You can come with me if you want, but I have no problems stunning you again if you even think about trying to fuck with us anymore than you have,” Rodney said voice strong and firm. 

John heard the use of you versus us, and he felt like the point had been hammered home in a way it hadn’t been before. They were Independent, he had known intellectually before, but hearing Rodney say that he felt like the final nail had been hammered in. The city was theirs, and now there was going to be so much more to do. 

“McKay, I’m glad you took this city, it was nothing but a headache for the SGC being on Earth. Now let us out. Its crowded and Daniel stinks,” O’Neill said.

Rodney was silent for a moment before opening the cell and standing back, letting the group stumble out, stretching and taking a few steps away from each other. 

Shoving his hands into his pocket, he walked up and stood next to Rodney, looking over the ragtag group, seeing a couple bruises but nothing worst. Out of all of them, Rodney looked like he had gotten it the worst. The black eye spreading down across his cheek and he frowned sure it was worse than it had been before. 

“Come on, let’s go.”

With that, Rodney turned and headed out, walking quick enough John had to jog to catch up, the rest of the group falling in behind him. Once they got to the end of the hallway, John noticed a group of his marines carefully not looking at him and he raised an eyebrow towards Rodney who shrugged. 

“Keep an eye on SG-1,” Rodney said, waiting for the acknowledgment before continuing to walk. 

John watched as the marines formed a guard in front and behind the other group, all of them still carefully not looking at him. John kept quiet, figuring it had to do with the changes and he wasn’t about to question everything, not with SG-1 right there. He stood by Rodney’s side, walking close enough their elbows kept brushing against each other and it was the best and the worst kind of torture. 

He looked around as they headed to the main conference room, seeing more and more people as they passed, most of them seeming to do the work they always did. The main difference was most of the people John saw he knew, none of the random scientists and military personnel that had been the norm for the past couple of months. And each and every one of them was looking at Rodney with respect and admiration. That feeling of pride grew in him with each step.

He spotted Lorne as they made it to the control tower, the first person to actually meet Johns eye and he could see questions in his XO’s eyes and John didn’t know what he was asking. He was still in the dark about a lot of things, and he didn’t want to answer until he knew where he stood with everyone else. He hoped, but he didn’t know, and this didn’t seem like a decision that he could make on the fly. Not this time.

“Rooms ready Doc,” Lorne said after a second and Rodney nodded, leading the way up to the conference room. 

There was food and water on the table, and John’s stomach rumbled and he didn’t realize he was as hungry as he was, grabbing one of the fruit and nut bars they traded for from the kid planet and a bottle of water before dropping into his customary seat, Teyla and Ronon on either side of him, Rodney across from him. Rodney reached over, two small white pills in his hand and he took them gratefully, recognizing the mild pain killers from the infirmary. He watched as everyone else grabbed food and water and dug into it, clearly, they were all as hungry as he was. 

After a few seconds of silence and eating, O’Neill finally looked up from where he was digging into his MRE and raised both eyebrows. “So, what happened McKay?”

Silence followed before Rodney grinned, and leaned back in the chair, radiating satisfaction. “You need to be more specific than that.” 

“How long have you planned this? Who else is in on it? Where’s everyone from the IOA?” O’Neill shot out in quick succession. “Everyone else,” he said with a nod towards Woolsey. 

“Since you sent Everett to take over military command during the siege,” Rodney replied evenly. 

There hadn’t been a lot of noise in the room before, but now it was deathly quiet, and even John paused eating to look up at Rodney. Since almost the start? That was longer than he had thought, and a sudden stab of hurt hit him in the gut and he swallowed around the lump that was in his throat suddenly. He leaned back in the chair carefully, aware of the bruise on his back but needing the support behind him. 

Rodney waited a few moments, letting the dramatics built for a moment before he let out a sigh. “Elizabeth and I talked about it when we were back on Earth. It was obvious what happened, no one at the SGC is stupid and yet the IOA decided to send one of _Sumner’s_ best friends to take over military command? _Despite_ knowing everything that had happened to us? After everything SG-1 _alone_ has gone through, everyone looked at space vampires and thought ‘that can’t be real’ and decided not to trust us? Everett’s plan told us exactly how much he thought we were lying and he paid the price for it. A price he shouldn’t have had to pay if the IOA and everyone else in charge of that mission hadn’t decided we were bullshitting.

Letting out a frustrated noise, Rodney ran a hand over the uninjured side of his face, and leaned forward, elbows hitting the table. “And the problem is, initially I thought they didn’t believe us, but as time went on I wondered if they had believed us, but there was something else going on.”

“I can answer that if you want,” Woolsey said, speaking up, fingers playing with one of the same fruit and nut bars John was eating. 

Rodney nodded. “Please, because it just doesn’t make sense to me, it never has.”

“Most of us found it hard to believe the Wraith existed, but we know enough not to discount it without harder evidence. Everett is many things, but he is the consummate solider, he will follow orders and he will do his job. He had never been brought up or been caught in anything outside the letter of the law and we knew a lot of marines had also worked with him over the years. We knew about the relationship, but we had hoped he would be able to make the right decision regarding Colonel Sheppard once he was on the ground.”

Woolsey was silent for a moment before he let out a weary sigh of his own. “We realized when he came back, aged, that that had been a mistake. Especially once the reports from the surviving marines came in. He had always been professional, but his friendship with Sumner clouded his vision more than anticipated. “

John swallowed, the bar he had eaten now sitting heavily in his stomach. For as long as he lived, the memory of shooting Colonel Sumner would sit with him. It wasn’t something he could ever get rid of. He still had nightmares of it, and ever since the siege there had been more nightmares, Colonel Everett’s words hanging heavily over him. Everett had been a good solider, and a fine leader, and hadn’t deserved what had happened to him. And he hated that Everett had put that wish onto him. 

“Is he still alive?” he found himself asking.

Woolsey and everyone else looked at him before Woolsey nodded. “He is last I heard. He consults with the SGC and is part of the introductory training course. Forgive me for saying so, but he is a rather,” Woolsey paused for a second, “decent example of what can happen.”

“And he’s doing…okay?”

Woolsey shrugged. “I do not know him well enough to make that guess, even an educated one.”

“He’s fine, considering,” O’Neill spoke up, “He’s an old man at 50, and we honestly don’t know if he’ll live until he’s in his 70’s or 80’s or if he’s only got a few years left. From our understanding most, people don’t get the luxury of only losing a few years. Or getting it back.”

John flinched at that, seeing the apologetic look on O’Neill’s face for a second before his eyes dropped down to the table. He didn’t want to see the pity in their eyes, or the worry. He was lucky, once again John Sheppard got lucky and came out where others had died. 

“It wouldn’t work,” Rodney said softly, and John looked up frowning. “I asked Todd about it once, and apparently there is a time limit on how long between losing your life and regaining it. It’s within a couple of days, maybe weeks, something about the body adapting to the changes. It’s harder for them to give back than to take. Throwing up is always harder on the body than eating after all.”

John swallowed and shrugged not sure what to say. He felt a foot press against his own and two shoulders press in on him either side and he looked down at the table. Silence continued for a few seconds before Rodney sighed and continued. 

“So, the thing is, Elizabeth and I started talking. Mostly we got drunk and started talking about Atlantis as an independence colony, what we would need, what people we would need and how it started. Elizabeth knew I had done some work with the CIA, but she didn’t know exactly what I had done, and so I told her.”

“CIA?” Carter interrupted, frowning.

Rodney looked up and nodded. “I worked for the CIA from the time when I graduated with my first PhD to when I started work in Antarctica.”

Silence followed that, even John could feel the surprise that came with that. CIA was not something he had ever expected out of Rodney. He could remember his own time in SpecOps and remembered the CIA spooks who would come around with half assed information that would get more people killed than necessary. Everything he knew about Rodney pointed to someone else, someone who wouldn’t jump in without all the information he could find. It didn’t sit well with him.

“So, you were in the Middle East?” he asked after a second of trying to puzzle it out. 

“No, I worked out of the states, working on homegrown terrorist cells who focused on disillusioned college,” Rodney explained. “I was young, I got my second PhD at 21, and so I was the right age to be hanging around colleges without looking creepy.”

Rodney said all of it so blasé, but John knew his friend, he knew there was more that wasn’t being said on purpose and he filed it away for later. He wanted to know more, because more than anything else Rodney sounded lonely at the memories, and he hated that sound. It reminded him on the couple of weeks after Doranda, when John was still mad and Teyla and Ronon were mad at each other. It had been horrible, and the reconciliation couldn’t have come soon enough.

John looked around at everyone else, and he was glad to see the same look of surprise and disbelief on everyone’s faces that was on his own. 

“So, how did you convince others to go along? You had to have help, all of this wouldn’t just happen so easily without it,” Jackson asked, speaking up for the first time. 

“Scientists, especially my scientists, are not quiet when they are mad about something. It wasn’t hard to find a couple people, and then they would also hear things. We always started it as an academic discussion. What if this happened? What if the gate stopped working? What if Earth abandoned us. What would we do? We’d have those, bandy ideas back and forth until we thought we could approach them with more intent. The longer people stayed in Pegasus though, the easier it was for them to want to stay. We made a home, we made friends here. 

Rodney was silent, reaching for his drink, and John pressed his foot against Rodney’s to get his attention. “We’ve had those discussions,” he said once Rodney was looking at him.

Rodney nodded. “Loudly, and in public, it helped I think. In the beginning, clearly it was all in jest, it was easier for people to talk to me, and to others. The problem was the military.”

Rodney let out a chuckle and leaned back in his chair again, crossing his arms over his chest and chewing on his bottom lip for a second. “The plan to nuke the Asurans was a bad one from the beginning. It never should have happened.”

John glanced at O’Neill and saw the wince on his face. No one would admit it, but it was a failure on so many levels. John knew he had his own part to play in that. He could have fought harder against Ellis for more time for Rodney. But he had been drawn in by the idea of a surgical strike and couldn’t have imagined the response. 

“A lot of people were upset with the results, and marines might be a lot of things, but quiet isn’t one of them. They wouldn’t be loud on Atlantis mind you, but with their teams, out exploring? You all know what it’s like to be on a team, how quickly so many barriers fall down. And as more scientists of mine would be drawn into the idea of Independence, they were able to bring them into the fold so to speak.”

“You used gate teams as cells,” Jackson said, sounding surprised and awed.

Rodney looked smug at that, the sort of smug that had John shifting in his seat a little bit. “Little cells, each person has a contact to someone else, and they had someone else, and slowly it moved all up to me, and Elizabeth, at least until Elizabeth…until she…”

Rodney trailed off and swallowed looking down at his hands. John could understand, he knew that pain intimately and well, perhaps in some respects more than Rodney. Although the more he learned the more he wondered if it wasn’t more, but instead different. He had seen Elizabeth as a lover and a good friend, and from the sounds of it Rodney had seen her more like a sister, as a partner in crime. Both loved her, but loved very differently. He knew Rodney was leaving a lot out, this was the skeleton. He knew there had to be more. No one on Atlantis was stupid, they wouldn’t be fooled by mental games for too long. He also knew better to ask.

He also didn’t want to ask. All the teams had worked together, except for theirs and that hurt. He didn’t understand why they had been left out. Teyla and Ronon were local, and everyone knew his thoughts on Atlantis, knew how much he loved it. Why hadn’t Rodney talked to them. Hell, why hasn’t Elizabeth ever brought it up with him, they had talked about so much in those quite moments before he would go back to his rooms. He could feel a pit inside of him and he could hear the thousand voices from his life telling him he wasn’t good enough, he would never live up to expectations. It hurt more than it should, more from Rodney than anyone else. 

He felt a press against his foot, and he looked up to see Rodney frowning at him and he wondered what was on his face. What the other man was seeing. He felt a second harder press, Rodney shaking his head slightly as he turned to look at Carter. He swallowed and shifted to lean against Ronon a little bit, his hands dropping down so he could scrabble for Teyla’s hand. He felt them both there, helping to shore him up until he had more information. He just had to wait and trust, even if it did feel like things were breaking.

“And there’s the food,” Rodney said into the silence. 

“Food?” Carter asked, looking down at the MRE she was eating. 

“Not this food, but food in general,” Rodney said. “When you were working here, what was your favorite food the mess made?”

Carter looked confused but shrugged. “The meatloaf was actually pretty good, not dry and dense like a lot of bases I’ve been on.”

Rodney nodded, clearly expecting that answer. “John? Mr. Woolsey? What about you?”

John frowned before shrugging. “Not going to lie, I love Tava Cakes, especially when they make it into the French toast, especially with those little berries we get sometimes.”

“Those little fish that we get from the Scro'reilly, that they make into the patties with the hahugia eggs,” Woolsey answered a second later. 

“And these things, from the kids,” John said holding up the fruit and nut bar. “So much better than protein bars.”

“We always have Pegasus food in the mess, ever since the first year and the food shortages. It’s not perfect, but we start talking to people who tend to reach for the Pegasus foods instead of the Earth ones. When looking for people who don’t fit in, you always need to look for signs of where they want to place their roots. Especially after a couple stressful days. Food and home have gone hand in hand for a long time,” Rodney explained.

It was genius, in an understated way. Wasn’t perfect by far, John had known a lot of adventurous eaters in his time, but it was a good start. 

“At least we never had Teyla’s Tuttleroot Soup,” John said after a moment, needing to break the tension. He felt his shoulder get slapped and he grinned, squeezing the hand he was still holding. “Then no one would be here.”

Rodney snorted and nodded, but wisely didn’t say anything to the mock glare Teyla was throwing him. Instead he turned towards Carter and pointed at what she was eating. ”You reached for an MRE, out of everything here. I like MRE’s but come on.”

John looked down and saw what he meant. SG-1 were all snacking on MRE’s, but John had grabbed one of the bars, as had Teyla, Woolsey, Ronon and Rodney. The divide was there and it wasn’t one he really thought about. It wasn’t a good foundation, but it might be a good starting block. 

“I can’t get over that you pulled this off, Elizabeth yes. But, you?”

O’Neill’s voice was full of disbelief and John was surprised Rodney wasn’t angry, nor irritated about being questioned. He could still see the faintly smug look in his eyes, he didn’t duck his head bashfully or look arrogant like he might have eight hours ago. Instead it was just facts. Things he knew about himself and that was that. It was a quiet confidence that suited him a lot better and John shifted in his chair not sure what he was feeling right then. Anger, hurt, confusion, curiosity, and if he was being honest with himself, more than a little turned on.

“Do you realize how little people pay attention to assholes? If I’m rude, loud and obnoxious, people don’t want to spend any time around me, it means I can do what I need to be done. And really, I’ve always been an asshole, some of it is played up, but I’ve always been like this. Even as a kid, my Dad used to say I was born an old man. I’ve never claimed to be nice, but I get shit done, and I’m good in a crisis, and for a lot of people, that rounds out my less desirable traits. They might get annoyed with me, but they know they can trust me, likeability and trustworthiness are not always hand in hand, despite what society tells you.” 

“Being an asshole is why you got sent to Siberia,” Carter said, beginning to sound shocked and a bit annoyed. 

“You were with the CIA then as well though,” John said, frowning as he remembered what Rodney had said before.

“When have you ever known the CIA to not want to know everything the Russians are doing?” Rodney asked even as he winced, looking towards SG-1. “Look, I am sorry about that. Sam, I still think you got lucky with the gate, but General, I did sort of play up my disregard for Teal’c’s life to piss off you two, so you’d talk to Landry to send me to Siberia. And I am sorry.”

Rodney looked down at his hands and let out a long sigh. “Look, I always say I’m a genius, it’s not my fault you never truly understand what I mean. I think part of the problem is where we work. All of this? This is new to me, this is interesting and this is actually hard. The Ancients didn’t think like we did, they made weird choices and it doesn’t make sense, most likely it never will. I’m the foremost expert yes, but if you met me in a theoretical physics lab, or engineering, something less, well science fiction for lack of a better phrase, I’d fucking shine brighter than everyone else.” 

Carter let out a long sigh and glared at Rodney. “Ronon was right, you were playing dumb.”

Rodney wobbled his hand back and forth. “Yes, and no. 

“So, what now?” O’Neill asked drawing out the so as if to fill the awkward silence that had fallen. 

“As soon as we land we send you and anyone who wants to back to Earth.”

“Anyone?”

Rodney nodded. “I’m not going to keep anyone here who doesn’t want to be here. Those who want to stay, we can fold in, and those who don’t we’ll keep in their rooms with food and water so they can pack until we land and contact earth.

“How many people?” John broke in.

“So far, almost everyone from the Atlantis expedition will be staying. A couple of the newer military members and scientists want to go back. Some have families, or just prefer Earth for whatever reason. Jennifer isn’t staying but I don’t think that surprises anyone,” Rodney trailed off and looked intently at John, “you’re not on the list.”

“I’m staying,” John said before Rodney had even finished speaking. 

“You’re staying.”

John rolled his eyes. “Of course, I am.”

He didn’t realize it had been a point of tension for Rodney until he saw the line of his shoulders relax a little bit more. He kept his gaze on Rodney’s, not caring one bit who saw whatever was on his face. He was no longer United States Air Force. He could do whoever the fuck he wanted. 

He heard a throat clearing and he forced himself to turn towards the source of the noise.

“if it is permitted,” Woolsey started, “I too would like to stay. I’ve found myself growing fond on Atlantis, and this galaxy, and would like to help in whatever capacity I am able, and whatever role. I am unsure of how I would fit into everything.”

“Honestly Woolsey, there are so many moving parts and there is a lot I am trying to juggle which I don’t understand because I’ve never dealt with the day to day running of the city. I’d love for you to continue as you’ve been doing, especially with the large outflow we’re about to have and then when we’re settled, we can figure all that out,” Rodney said, looking more relieved over this than he had about John. 

O’Neill, Jackson and Carter were all slumped in their seats in the wake of all of the information thrown at them and John could relate. He could relate really hard. Everything felt too much, and he felt like he should have seen some of it. But he never had, he had always been a fly by the seat of his pants sort of man, but despite all of that a part of him felt like making Atlantis independent should have been something he was a part of. It should have been him and Rodney spearheading it, and it wasn’t. It was Rodney and everyone else and it fucking hurt. He wanted SG-1 to leave so Rodney could talk to them, to tell them everything, because he was leaving out so much. He wanted to know the answers to all his questions. 

And he wanted to know where it left him and Rodney. 

“And the IOA? Earth?” Carter asked, sounding tired. 

Rodney reached into the middle of the table and grabbed one of the apple-pear tasting orange looking fruits that still didn’t have a name any of them could actually pronounce. He began to peel it, eyes focused hard on his task at hand as he continued to talk.

“So, the thing is, the IOA can’t do much right now. Radek figured out how to modify and shrink wraith storage devices and so they’re all currently locked up in one of those. Their military as well. We didn’t want to deal with them in the cells, or with wasting food on them. It’s pretty handy actually. When you go back I’ll give it to you and then you can deal with them, as well as figure out the tech for yourself, consider it a gift,” Rodney said as he peeled the first segment of the fruit he was fiddling with and ate it. 

“Earth is dealing with declassification right now. I wasn’t lying when I said the cloak was failing, and it failed midway through the IOA attack. Its why I’m glad I was cycling the cloak, it means we had enough shield generators to cover the control tower when we took off. Most of the city is vented right now,” Rodney continued after he ate the segment. John could see SG-1 go white and slump even more. He wondered if they should get Keller — or was it Carson now? – in here in case one of them fainted. 

“It took us about six hours to get everything and everyone ready. So, while we were dealing with that, the city was sitting pretty within view of San Francisco. We saw it on the news right as we took off, the secret is out.”

“Fuck.”

O’Neill’s voice was quiet and full of feeling. John could imagine it, Atlantis sitting in the water as the sun rose over it, the light glinting of off her towers. He had lived here for over five years now and as familiar as she was, she was still alien in so many ways. There was no writing her off, no mistaking what she was, alien and beautiful. John supposed it was a good thing that it had been a gorgeous city out of human legends that was their introduction to aliens, and not one of the more terrifying things the galaxies had to offer. John wanted to reach for her, to feel the comforting hum but it was still silent, and that still terrified him, despite reassurances.

“I have no clue what the governments are doing, we shut down all communications while we were getting ready. No one tried to stop us when we left though. So maybe they just went with ‘aliens exist oh shit we didn’t know.’ Hopefully not, its time people know about the Stargate program,” Rodney said eating another segment.

He seemed to be in his own world now, blue eyes focused on the fruit and his fingers, everyone else silent with shock. John looked to his left and right, looking at his other two teammates and found they were both almost vibrating with excitement. It was then he realized his hand was beginning to hurt from how hard Teyla was holding it, and Ronon looked as giddy as he did whenever they blew up a wraith hive. It was different for them, but their excitement was palpable. Even Woolsey was smiling now, a secretive tilt to his lips. 

“There’s so much potential you know? To stop wars, to stop world hunger, to fix so many problems. Overpopulation? Well good thing there are thousands of worlds that are just sitting empty, with fields and houses, it’s a new start. It’s a new frontier and if managed right it can be amazing.”

Rodney looked up, directly at SG-1 and shrugged. “We’re not going to demand anything from Earth, except the chance for trade at some point. Any scientist who wants to go back can, and they can take whatever information they want. Atlantis is my home, and will be for the rest of my life, but Earth was home and there are people I care about, and I want to be able to go and visit there at some point in the future. And I can only do that if the leaders don’t screw it up too badly.”

“I don’t suppose I can request permission to stay on Atlantis?” O’Neill asked half-heartedly.

“No, suck it up and deal with it. You three are going to be needed more than most, since you’re the most qualified.”

* * *

The meeting soon dissipated after that, Rodney calling for some Marines to take SG-1 to their quarters for the rest of the time, Woolsey to help with the organization. He could see Lorne hovering after the marines had left and he raised an eyebrow at his XO, surprised to see a flush as Lorne looked towards Rodney. It was interesting, to see how people responded now that Rodney had dealt his hand. The respect had been there for years, but a lot of it had been grudging, and now there was open admiration. Although John had no doubt that one loud rant by Rodney would put them right back into grudging, right where things were supposed to be. 

He opened his mouth to reassure Lorne, but Rodney beat him to it. 

“The Colonels with us.”

John was surprised at the visible tension release in Lorne’s shoulders, almost slumping for a second before he nodded and turning to face and grinning.

“Glad to hear it sir,” Lorne said addressing John for the first time since he had woken back up.

“There was never any doubt,” he said easily. “On my side at least,” he said with a sidelong glance towards Rodney, who looked unapologetic despite the slight flush along his cheeks. 

Lorne nodded as if that was the expected answer. “Good to know sir, I’ll let the rest of the men know. I think they’ll be glad to hear that, not that they’ll ever admit it. You know how Marines get. They broke you in, would hate to have a new commander.”

John snorted at that and shrugged a shoulder. “Might need to anyway, it’s a whole new world now Evan. Who knows what’s going to happen.”

Lorne rolled his eyes, looking irritated for some reason. “I doubt that sir,” he said before saluting sharply. “Now, I’ve got some work, if you’ll excuse me.”

“Dismissed,” John replied automatically, confused at the tone. He expected Lorne to leave, and was surprised when instead Lorne looked towards Rodney. “Doctor,” he said respectfully, before finally leaving.

After a second John realized his surprise was actually at his lack of surprise. If what Rodney had said was true — and he might boast but he never lied – then a lot of people had known about this plan for a while, and now that it had come to fruition, he had no doubt that everyone’s respect had grown. Rodney had stolen a city, out from under the nose of the IOA with no casualties and from the sounds of it there would be no repercussions. At least not immediately. 

John looked around at the room, taking in his teammates who were all looking at each other and suddenly he grinned. Wide and full of happiness and joy as everything that had happened finally started to sink in. The military had taught him to roll with the punches, to wait until everything had settled before processing everything. He was hurt, he had questions, he wanted to hear Atlantis, but most of all he felt nothing but joy. They were going _home_. 

“Holy shit,” he breathed out finally, the giddiness making his voice tight as he looked to Ronon and Teyla who had similar looks of ecstatic joy on their faces. He could have this moment, they could have this moment.

They spent a couple seconds staring at each other, before Ronon moved suddenly, pulling Rodney up and into a hug, lifting him up and just holding him. He could see Ronon talking but couldn’t make it out and didn’t feel like he had too. This was between the two of them, and whatever Ronon was saying he knew it was good, could see the happiness in Rodney’s face and it made him smile. Eventually Ronon let Rodney go, only for Teyla to take his place, drawing him down, foreheads pressed together. She was crying, tear tracks running down her face and John had no doubt they were happy. Teyla didn’t speak, just closing her eyes and leaning against Rodney. The quiet sibling like relationship between them seemed to grow by leaps and bounds each day. John was excited, sometimes he thought they were more like siblings than Jeannie and Rodney were.

Eventually Ronon and Teyla pulled back and John shifted, not standing up yet. He wanted to touch Rodney, he needed to touch him, but he needed to touch him without their teammates around. The leash that had been holding him back for so long was gone, and he didn’t trust himself not to just jump Rodney. There were more emotions to consider, the happiness had been a pressure bandage over the hurt but it was peeling away. He needed to know, needed to fix it now, before anything started. Part of him wondered if it even mattered, now when he was in this deep already. He managed a weak smile, with Rodney looking back at him evenly as the silence stretched. 

He took a deep, shuddering breath and let it out. “I need to know, why didn’t you and Elizabeth tell me? Did you not…trust me?”

As soon as the words out he realized that was a lot of the hurt had boiled down too. He felt like he hadn’t been trusted, and from two people he had considered himself to be close with, well it fucking hurt. He had always assumed it was the three of them working in tandem in a way that they had never achieved with Carter, and had only begun to figure out with Woolsey. And the thought that he had been left out of this planning—

“—no!”

Rodney’s outburst was loud and forceful and John swallowed, trying to stop his mind from racing. 

“John, no, that was never it,” Rodney repeated, both hands cutting down forcefully. 

Rodney stood up and began to pace and John realized that this was more calming than any sort of words in a weird sick sense. Talking to SG-1, Rodney had been calmer, quieter, the frantic expansive motions he was known for had been gone, hidden behind a calm, collected exterior that John had both found arousing in its confidence, and worrying in its stillness. Like Atlantis, he wondered how much of his unease could be attributed was the unfamiliarity of Rodney’s lack of motion. He had long since realized how much of his ease came from seeing his teammates at ease as well, especially Rodney. 

“So, explain it to me, because right now I feel like I’m drifting. I can’t feel Atlantis. I’m sitting in her control tower and I feel like I’ve got cotton padding where she should be, I keep trying to reach or listen and there’s nothing there. You know what Elizabeth was to me, and you know what you are to me, and finding out all of this,” he trailed off and shrugged, not bothering trying to hide the hurt that was on his face.

The sorrow that crossed Rodney’s face was plain for everyone to see, and the quick temper that he had begun to stoke was doused and he sighed, dropping his head into his hands. 

“I am happy,” he muttered. He was. He was happier than he could imagine, they were going home. 

“John,” Rodney said sharply and John looked up, seeing the sorrow and the apologies as clear as day on his face and for all they never needed words, John wanted them now. 

“Tell me.”

Rodney signed and scrubbed his own hands over his face. There was silence in the room, and John felt Teyla lay an arm on his forearm, and he watched as Ronon took a seat next to Rodney, grabbing another one of the bars and passing it over. They were being managed, and obviously. John and Rodney almost never fought, not really, and whenever they did it was always the same thing. Ronon would be there for Rodney, and Teyla was there for John. They were a family, they had a thousand combinations on how to deal with each other, and this was just one of them.

“Out of all of us, everyone had eyes on you,” Rodney finally started. “You were the rebel air force pilot who only got in because he got unlucky with a drone and lucky with a genetic quirk. You know what people in Pegasus think about you, you know how people in Atlantis feel about you. You inspire them all, you inspire us all. Everyone’s eyes would be on you. No one would look at Elizabeth, she had so many connections back on Earth, she would never split. And me? I’m the cranky Chief Science Officer who alienates more than makes friends.”

John shifted in his seat, he hated when people brought up his connection. It made him uncomfortable to know a lot of them looked at him like some kind of savior, when it was his team and the people at his back who made it possible. 

Rodney continued. “Elizabeth and I, we…we decided not to tell you because you would be under the most suspicion. I wish we could have told you, do you know how much easier this would have been with you three? Teyla, Ronon, you would have told John, or made me tell him and so we, I, decided not to bring you in on this. I hated it. There was all of this stuff I was holding back, and that’s not the way we work, we don’t lie, we don’t go behind backs and that’s what I had to do, especially after Elizabeth —,” Rodney cut off swallowing as he looked down at his hands. “—after Elizabeth died.”

“It’s bullshit,” John found himself saying, anger clouding his words. “Fine, I was the one they looked at, but you could have given me an inkling, just told me the plan and told me the reason why. I worked with black ops for years, and both you and Elizabeth knew that, you could have trusted me to keep my mouth shut!”

“If we had told you, it wouldn’t have stopped there and both you and I know it. We would have brought you in more, we would have needed your help,” Rodney kept his eyes down on his hands and let out a long shuddering sigh. “I am sorry. I will never know if I made the right decision in not telling you, but I have to stand by that.”

John was silent, his insides whirling with so many thoughts and emotions. It made sense, in a logical planned way, but logic was fighting with hurt right now. Part of him felt betrayed, by two people who he loved, albeit in very different ways. Ever since he had met Rodney, the other man had been his best friend. It was a connection he had thought belonged in playgrounds and tv shows only. But it was true, he had trusted Rodney almost immediately, and that trust had grown in leaps and bounds. They had problems, many of them, but the friendship had always settled back into its easy ways soon. 

It was the same with Ronon and Teyla, the four of them clicked in a way he hadn’t thought possible. They fit on base and off world. He kept thinking of them as family, and family fought, and then they would make up. Knowing that Rodney had kept this part of himself away from them hurt, and John was mad, but he didn’t want to be mad for too long. He was too tired to be mad. 

Being mad was exhausting, it kept pushing down the giddiness and joy at going home. Now he had a chance to finally get everything he didn’t know he wanted until he had come to Atlantis and he didn’t want to be miserable. He _hurt_ in ways that wouldn’t go away quickly, but he didn’t want to be angry. He looked up, looking at Ronon who looking down at the table, fingers wrapped around each other tightly. Teyla, who looked calm but John could sense a tension in her shoulders. Rodney who had looked so happy, so sure of himself before, that now he looked miserable. John could feel his fists clenching and unclenching and he looked down, seeing the white knuckles. 

He was so sick and tired of being miserable. 

“So, tell us,” John found himself saying, forcing away the anger because he wanted to believe in Rodney and the happiness they could achieve. “Tell us everything. We’re here, and you…you’re a part of the team so we’ll figure this out. We always do.”

Rodney’s eyes shot up and John found himself reaching out across the table to grab Rodney’s hand and squeeze it. They’d figure it out. The four of them could always figure it out. Rodney nodded and squeezed John’s hand back before he started talking. 

“The CIA had some idea of me being a child genius and they wanted me to fit into this mold when they recruited me. They had some idea of me going into different places and hacking into their data and building a bomb and destroying them. But that never sat right with me. I’m not good at doing what people tell me to do, especially when it goes against what I feel. Also, Canadian? I might not be your garden variety pacifist but I do want world peace and all that,” Rodney said. 

John watched as Ronon reached for the water and pushed some towards Rodney who drank it with a grateful smile. 

“So instead, they would send me to different schools to make friends with questionable individuals. I fit a niche those people were looking for. Maladjusted youth with too much brains to follow along blindly but with enough rage against the world that they can be manipulated. I’m sure it helped that I was really pretty when I was younger,” Rodney said with a snort, “Like really pretty. People used to think I was a girl when I was really young.”

Rodney rolled his glass between his hands, keeping his eyes down. “The CIA taught me how to play nice, and I can. It’s just really fucking hard. Did you know I had the worst speech problems when I was a kid? I knew the words, all the sounds. But my mind was ten steps ahead and I could never get out what I wanted to say easily. I would stutter and trip over my words and it would make me so mad. It took a lot of speech training to get me to where I am today.”

John could imagine it. Rodney as a kid, frustrated and angry at trying to speak and not being able too. He saw it now and again, Rodney trying to get some concept across to his scientists when they were a few steps behind him and trying to catch up.

Rodney continued. “The CIA is good at training people, and so while I was working on my first PhD they had someone working with me constantly, getting me to dial back and learn to be nicer, it didn’t go as well as they wanted but we got there in the end. They would send me to a new school as a transfer, I would spy, wiggle my way into the groups, get them arrested, stay around long enough to graduate so it didn’t look weird, rinse and repeat.”

John scowled at that, trying to imagine a young impressionable Rodney, some CIA spook yelling at him to be nicer and nicer. He liked Rodney’s acerbic wit and tongue, it made him who he was. Honesty was a virtue, and most people couldn’t see the gift Rodney was because they weren’t used to dealing with honesty. He could be rude, he could be mean, but John had found over the years Rodney didn’t attack people randomly. It was in response to something, someone making a mistake, someone doing something stupid. His worst comments were never unfounded, and it took a while for people to realize that. 

A second thought crossed his mind and he leaned forward. “Graduate? How many degrees do you have?”

“Entirely too many,” Rodney replied with a self-deprecating chuckle. “The funny thing is, I couldn’t be a genius in them so most of them I was a B or a C student. Do you know how hard it is to get a C? Even in subjects I don’t like. I basically never read anything or did any work, I had to work to fail. And the worst was in English and History –”

“—you have an English degree?”

“I did Physics, Math, and Engineering when I was actually in college. During my time in the colleges, I received English, History, Biology, Chemistry and then one in Hospitality.”

“Hospitality?”

“It was great, I drank wine, ate food and learned how to insult people via email.”

“Is that a lot?” Ronon asked, breaking into the silence.

“Are there not many degrees among the scientists?” Teyla continued. “I know most have two doctorates like yourself.”

“Most of them have one, maybe two bachelors, maybe a couple minors. Some might have a PhD and a masters, or some combination of all of them,” John explained. “Rodney’s just an overachiever.” 

He could see the confused looks on Ronon and Teyla’s faces and he winced, sure he had just made it more confusing. It wasn’t uncommon and like now he found it easier to drop it that try and explain a system he knew about but didn’t know the history of. 

The silence stretched on for a moment before Rodney spoke again quietly. “The worst thing was, I never had any friends, because I would get my ‘friends’ arrested and then move to a new city.”

This made John swallow, the loneliness in Rodney’s voice evident and speaking volumes. He couldn’t imagine what that had been like, hadn’t even considered it until Rodney mentioned it. John had never had problem making friends with people, he never let most of them in close, but he always had people he could have beer with. Play a round of dart of pool with. Even moving around as an army brat, he had made friends easily. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for Rodney. 

“While I was doing all of this, I was also doing research of my own, writing articles and trying to figure out answers to so many questions I had. Once the CIA learned about the Stargate though, they figured I’d be best suited to the job. And it helped, because I was getting a bit too old for what I was doing,” Rodney said with a bit of a rueful grin, running a hand over his head. “I had the credentials, and they got me into the program at Area 51 and it was amazing.”

Rodney smiled, clearly remembering some better times and John finally wished they didn’t have the big table in between them, that it was less impersonal as Rodney talked. 

“The problem was, the Cold War was officially over, but it never ended, not really. The Russians had a stargate program and the CIA needed to know more. The first time I saw the Stargate work I fell in love, but they needed me in Siberia and so I was a dick and I got sent there, but the problem with best laid plans…” Rodney trailed off and shrugged. 

“I fell in love with the work, it was hard. It was a challenge, and for me that was something I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I wanted to know more, we kept learning things from other planets that would change the way we think and we would have to adjust our world view. It was exciting, I just wanted to know more and more. I read everything I could get my hands on, I did such a good job in Siberia that the Pentagon called me back to help out a second time. I quit the CIA not long after that and started working in Antarctica on the chair. The rest you know, more or less.” 

Silence fell around the room again, and Rodney sighed, resting crossed arms on the table, his chin on folded arms. Rodney brow was furrowed, thinking, and John didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know what to ask really, everything was roiling around in his head and he was trying to make sense of it all. He knew there was more, there would always be more. Rodney was glossing over so much and John wanted to know it all, the same way he wanted to know what made him happy and what made him laugh. He was gone on Rodney, and he had admitted it to himself a long time ago. Everything he was hearing, was just adding to that, he wasn’t less in love, he didn’t think anything could make him fall out of love with Rodney, not after everything they had been through. He was still hurt, and he would be for a while, but Rodney had proven himself so many times, so why not take the good and move on from the bad? 

“It was the best decision of my life,” Rodney admitted softly. “I finally had friends? Do you know how weird that was for me? I was so young when I was in college, and then when I was older I wasn’t really those people’s friends, I was just pretending to be someone not me. But in the Stargate program, I made friends. Elizabeth, Carson and Radek. Then we came here, and I met you three. For the first time in my life I actually feel like I have a home, and I wasn’t going to let some jumped up suits destroy that with greed.”

Ronon broke the silence that followed. “Gonna complain less?”

Rodney kept his eyes down, shoulders slumped. “I don’t know, I don’t even really know who I am if I’m being honest. Or the sort of person I am. The CIA shaped me, and so much of how I acted was a way to keep a barrier between me and people.”

John found himself shaking his head vehemently and speaking before he realized what he was doing. “That’s bullshit. I don’t care how fast your brain is, or how smart and calculating you are, or what the CIA trained you to do. I’ve seen you, I’ve been by your side in the worst situations. You’re loud and obnoxious and you have so many opinions it’s aggravating sometimes, but you’ve got a good heart. Who you are when we’re under attack is who you are. And maybe in the beginning you thought about it more, acted a way you thought you should be but not anymore.”

“What If I am that way because I acted that way for so long its instinctual now?” Rodney demanded, sitting up a bit straighter. 

“That’s all anyone is!” he replied. “We’re nothing but the choices we make, and we continue to make. You’ve seen Teyla’s temper but she’s not like that all the time. She makes the choice to temper it. Remember Ronon when we first got here? He made the choice to change, to trust, and become who he is today. You all know how hard a time I have expressing myself but I made the choice to try and get better and I like to think I’m getting there. At some point, you decided who you wanted to be and you became that person.”

John knew his face was bright red, could feel the flush and his racing heart. 

“We like being around you, _I like_ being around you. I like to think we got to know the real you before anyone else did, even yourself. Now everyone else gets that chance to become who they want to be. But I bet dollars to dimes that everyone followed you on this insane plan because they saw you for who you are the day you walked into that shadow monster. You didn’t have to do that, and not a single person would have held you accountable for that, but you walked into fire to save us. And you’ve done it a thousand times since.”

“I could have doomed us all to fail with this insane plan,” Rodney whispered.

Teyla reached out and placing her hand on his arm. “Everyone here has always known the risks, and this is no different. I will admit, part of me is hurt as well to have been left out of this plan, but I can understand and I agree with John. We know who you are, and I hope you get to know yourself as we know you. We will be here to guide you as well. You are as much a family member to us as we are to you.”

Ronon shrugged. “Isn’t about the choices you think you make in that head of yours, it’s about the actions you take in the real world. You’re annoying, but you’re a good person. Wouldn’t trust you to have my back if you didn’t.”

Rodney looked down at the table, fingers picking at each other seemingly for the first time in his life out of words. John didn’t know what to say either, and he looked at Teyla and Ronon who seemed to be in the same way. He reached out for Atlantis and remembered he couldn’t feel her. It was easy to ignore it when he wasn’t thinking, but every time he reached out he remembered. He rubbed his hands over his face. He wanted to end this meeting, wanted to talk to Rodney just the two of them. But he needed to feel Atlantis again, he knew he would be better for it as a result. 

“Rodney,” John said softly, looking at his friend, wanting to move it along. “Why can’t I feel Atlantis? How did you get control back?”

Rodney’s head snapped up and he winced. “Ahh, yes, that. Earlier, on the balcony, remember what I told you?

John frowned for a second, trying to remember. Most of his memories of that were caught up in…what else they had done. “The groups,” he said after a few seconds. “The security subsystems.”

Rodney nodded. “I activated it, when the IOA was here while you were distracting them,” he explained. “And then when I turned it on, it opened up a subset for security systems and one of them was for circuit testing on the gate floor for power distribution. You know Atlantis conducts electricity and the whole city can be used as power conduits. They stunned you right as Lorne started to find a way in. I figured it couldn’t hurt, so I set it for a quick charge, and it knocked enough of them down the marines were able to come in and subdue. Then we cleaned up with the storage devices and moved you guys to the cells so we could get working. Everyone knew their part of the plan, and we had to get it going as fast as we could. Before someone else reached us.” 

Rodney sighed. “As for you not being able to hear Atlantis,” he sighed. “I locked you out, not intentionally, but you hadn’t been in the group that I had made. As soon as I get to the laptop I’ll add you back in, all of you. That’s was the bracelet it for, it’s like a diplomatic pass of sorts. It lets Atlantis know that you’re supposed to be here. You’re not allowed in, but you can open most doors and the like. I didn’t really realize that by not allowing you access to the city it would cut off all the mental components.”

John watched as Rodney’s hand rubbed over his head and down over his face. He looked exhausted, bags under his eyes, his face drawn and cheekbones more pronounced. He had lost too much weight before all of this, and the exhaustion was taking its toll. John wondered when the last time he slept was, and if he would be alright to keep on going. If his own exhaustion was any indication, John wanted to drag Rodney and shove him down into a bed, curl around him and just go to sleep for a couple hours at least. The painkiller was doing his job, his back hurting less but the dull ache was still there and would be for a while yet. Rodney’s focus seemed to drift then and he cleared his throat. 

There would always be time later for more conversations, and he didn’t doubt there would be many, many more. 

He clapped his hands together quickly, hiding the smirk of amusements when Rodney jumped, Teyla and Ronon just looking at him warily. 

“I think that’s enough heart to hearts and I’m tired, I’m sure you are as well,” he said looking around the room and seeing the weariness on all of their faces. 

Teyla and Ronon agreed, all four of them moving to stand. John came and stood next to Rodney, his fingers reaching out to brush against the other man’s hand. Rodney’s hand shifted, moving to brush over his as well and he smiled at Rodney before saying goodbye to Ronon and Teyla, accepting the strong hug and forehead touching. 

“Just a second, we’ll see you tomorrow,” he said catching Rodney’s wrist as the other two left. 

There had been a lot of information in the past couple of hours, and John didn’t even know what day it was anymore. The doors closed behind Teyla and Ronon and John swallowed as years of feelings, months of acknowledgment without touching crashed over him. They were here, in this moment. He felt Rodney’s eyes on him and he turned his head to look at Rodney. 

John could see that Rodney was worried. He was worried that John felt too betrayed, that his trust had been broken and John knew none of that was true. He felt a lot of things, a lot of hurt and pain, but he knew without a single doubt that he loved this infuriating man and he wasn’t going to let another second pass. 

Bringing his hands up he pushed at Rodney’s chest, shoving him back down into the chair he had just vacated. John stepped closer, looking down and watching as Rodney’s eyes slid down his body and back up again as he leaned back into the chair. Despite the previous possessiveness, Rodney was letting him take the lead on this one, and he wasn’t going to pass up that opportunity. The worry was still in his eyes, but John had had Rodney’s number for a long time. 

Rodney had always had an ego, had always been confident when he was in his element, and self-conscious when he wasn’t. He could see the nervousness, the worry but there was also an underlying current of completeness. The hunch of his shoulders wasn’t as pronounced, and John wondered how much of that had been the weight Rodney had been straining under. He remembered sitting on a balcony almost a year ago, being called Atlas when it had been Rodney bowing under the weight of his secrets for so long.

He gripped Rodney’s thighs and dropped down to his knees between them slowly, keeping his eyes on Rodney’s face. He shuffled forward keeping his eyes locked on Rodney’s, pressing in as close as he could, seeing his pupils dilate even as he stayed where he was, letting John run the show. John was suddenly aware of how hard he was and how quickly his breath was coming. He swallowed, his mouth watering, the lingering pain in his back forgotten for the moment. 

“I thought you were tired,” Rodney said, keeping his voice soft. “And mad.”

“I’m not angry but I am hurt, but I’ve wanted this for so long and I am sick and tired of denying what I want when it comes to you,” John said as he looked up at Rodney, letting all of the want and need he’d been trying to hold back for years cross his face. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, I can handle a little less sleep.”

“Won’t take long,” Rodney admitted, his voice dropping a register. 

His eyes dropped down, running over wide shoulders and a chest that had more strength that most assumed. His eyes drifted down to look across a waist that was thick with muscle hidden under a layer of fat that John loved. Rodney had the body of someone who never went to the gym, but was active in so many other ways. He had seen the scientist haul crates without breaking a sweat, seen him pick up things that had given some others some trouble. John had no doubt he could go strength for strength with some of his marines. Hell, he had lowered Keller and Carter on a rope. He was so much stronger than people gave him credit for, than Rodney gave himself credit for and John was so turned on by it sometimes it was a miracle his eyes weren’t permanently crossed.

His eyes zeroed in on Rodney’s groin, seeing the bulge there and licked over suddenly dry lips. It was so easy to push the hurt away and sink into this amalgamation of joy, excitement and need. His hands reached and began to fumble with Rodney’s button and zipper, hearing his name gasped. He raised his eyes, seeing his own desperation matched on Rodney’s face and he knew this was going to be quick and dirty, and part of him felt like that was wrong. Like there was something…

Johns hands shot out and grabbed the back of Rodney’s neck, pulling him down as he surged up and pressed their mouths together, once, twice, three hard kisses in quick succession before he dropped back down to what he had been doing before. 

“What? That’s it?” Rodney asked sounding petulant. 

He finally got the pants undone and he grabbed the edges, pulling them and Rodney’s boxers down, only careful enough not to damage anything before he looked up as he wrestled them down to midthigh, feeling knees press in against his rib cage on both sides as Rodney pushed his hips up to help.

“Didn’t want to do this without kissing you first,” he said, smiling at Rodney. 

He knew the smile was sweeter than his actions, and part of him wanted this to be special, to be something worth remembering. But the majority of him wanted it hard and fast, like most of their relationship had been. Give and take, and for all he wanted to go to a room and take his time, this felt more fitting. 

“Atlantis better not have don’t ask don’t tell,” he muttered, feeling his mouth water as he inhaled sharply. 

It had been awhile since he had done this, and he had never felt the driving crazy need like he did now. He wanted Rodney’s cock in his mouth, wanted to feel it press against the back of his throat, slide along his tongue. He wanted to feel hands in his hair, on the back of his neck, moving and guiding him. He wanted _Rodney’s_ hands in his hair, tugging and pulling. His hands were starting to shake even as his own arousal built up. 

He had wasted enough time, even though he was sure only a few minutes had passed since the door had closed. He shifted in closer, one hand gripping the base of Rodney’s cock, his mouth wrapping around the head as he sucked softly. He felt a hand grab his shoulder, fingers twisting into his shirt, felt legs press in against his rib cage, keeping him steady. 

He felt pressed in, just like he had up in the balcony room, Rodney crouched in front of him and watching him. But now they could touch and it was more than he had imagined. He opened his mouth wider, sliding his head down, breathing through his nose and willing his body to remember that it knew how to do this. It had been years, since before Antarctica, but he knew how to do this. He wanted to make this good, to make Rodney as crazy as he was. 

He began to bob his head, up and down, listening for Rodney’s reactions, feeling the fingers in his shirt tighten and loosen as he continued. He raised his head slowly, tongue licking along the underside of his cock before he dropped his mouth back down as far as he dared, repeating it again and again as he got used to the feel and the weight of a cock against his tongue. He sunk into this, his whole mind and body focused on this action, taking Rodney deeper and deeper until his mouth met his hand and he could feel the head nudging at the back of his throat. He stayed there, tongue moving over as much as he could reach with his mouth full, his lips stretched tight and his jaw beginning to ache. He wanted to take him all the way, but a rational part of him reminded him it had been a long time since he had done that and instead he focused on what he could do. 

He chanced a look up, catching Rodney’s eyes, seeing the stunned arousal on his face, the way his free hand was white knuckling the arm of chair and he could begin to feel the fine tremors against his sides and he groaned. Seeing Rodney so turned on, turned him on in response and he moved, trying to get some friction and wanting more, feeling greedy in a way he didn’t often get. He had gone for long portions of his life just doing what was asked, and never asking for anything in return. And if this was his reward he would gladly live those lives again. He reached for the hand gripping the arm of the chair and peeling it off, moving to press his hand to back of his head.

Rodney wasn’t dumb, he got it instantly, fingers sliding into his hair and gripping. John could feel the hold and he groaned, sparks shooting up and down his spine as he began to bob his head faster, sucking harder. Rodney seemed to like it wet, liked the obscene noises that made him want to blush but he was too far gone to care. He could feel his own erection pressed against the front of his BDU’s but it felt secondary right now, still too filled with lust to be focused on anything but the feel of Rodney in his mouth. 

“John,” his name was gasped and he looked up again. 

Rodney’s eyes were wide and wild, his whole body seemed to be tight with tension, trying not to move, even as John felt the knees at his sides press in even tighter. He felt the hands in his hair and shoulder flexing, trying not to push and it made him groan. He wanted to show off, he wanted to be less out of practice. He could feel himself approaching a precipice and he had never met an edge he didn’t want to throw himself over. He pulled his hand away from the base of Rodney’s cock and slide both of them up Rodney’s chest and back down, resting on his hips. He kept his eyes locked with Rodney and slowly slid his mouth down, taking him deeper than before, fighting with his gag reflex. It was a bad angle, his neck was sore, his back was beginning to hurt again even through the painkillers, his jaw was aching and all he wanted was Rodney to grab his hair and fuck into his mouth hard. Wanted to see the bossiness from before, the confidence. Wanted to feel those capable confident hands taking him higher and higher.

He pulled off gasping, trying to ignore the gagging feeling as he licked his lips, watching Rodney’s eyes track his mouth. He licked his lips again, tasting Rodney and he surged forward wrapping his mouth around the head and began to bob his head faster, trying not to gag every time he went too deep. He felt the hand in his head tighten as he kept moving, sucking harder and faster and suddenly Rodney’s hips snapped up, pushing his cock deep into his throat and he gagged and swallowed even as Rodney’s hips dropped back down.

“Sorry, sorry,” Rodney gasped out, the hand trying to pull John up and off but he fought it, ignoring the pain from the grip on his hair as he pushed his head down, taking Rodney back in deep. 

He was lost in it, wanting more and more and unable to stop himself, the desperation a feedback loop between them. He could feel Rodney’s hips begin to move, little rolling motions up to meet him, never as hard as before and John was disappointed by that. Wanted to give up the control and just feel, to let Rodney control the pace so he could just focus on how fucking turned on he was. 

“Close, John, so close,” Rodney groaned out, the tugging on his hair changing to pushing and it surprised John, but he wasn’t going to stop him. 

He dropped his head down as far as he could, sucking hard as he drew his mouth back up and pressed his tongue under the head and that was enough. He felt both hands grip his head, keeping him in place as Rodney groaned out his name and came, filling his mouth. He swallowed, sucking hard, breathing hard through his nose as Rodney’s hips rolled, thrusting deeper into his mouth and John groaned around it, doing his best not to make a mess. 

John continued to suck until Rodney was soft, finally pulling his mouth off. He swallowed, licking over his lips, forcing his eyes open to look at Rodney, take in the high flush of his cheekbones, the sweat gathered around his shirt collar, a drop sliding down the hollow of his throat. His own erection had been ignored, but now his focus had shifted and he squirmed, the hands still holding his head in place and he was beginning to wonder if rubbing off against Rodney’s leg would be enough before the grip changed, pulling him up into a hard kiss. 

He didn’t fight it, scrambling and ending up straddling Rodney’s thighs, legs hooked over the armrests and his pants pulled tight against his erection. He groaned as he was kissed deeply and he wrapped arms around Rodney’s shoulders, trying to shift even closer than he was. He felt Rodney’s tongue slide into his mouth and he groaned again. He was so fucking turned on he could barely think, his hips rolling, trying to find something to rub against even as he was kissed more thoroughly than ever before. It felt like Rodney was trying to map his mouth, and he wasn’t about to put up a fight. He let out a grunt, sucking on Rodney’s tongue as he shifted forward again, finally _finally_ feeling the pressure increase as he pressed up against Rodney’s body, rolling his hips to rub his erection against Rodney’s stomach. 

He was gone, his mind focused on nothing but the feel of Rodney’s mouth against his and the hands that were now gripping his hips tightly, directing them, making them move faster and faster. He felt helpless in the face of his desire and he didn’t want to resist. He wanted to sink into the arms around him and just let Rodney do whatever the fuck he wanted as long as he kept getting kissed like this. 

He came with a shout, surprise and pleasure shooting through him as he ground himself against Rodney even harder, inner thighs burning, panting into Rodney’s mouth even as the kiss continued. The hands on his hips moved even as he was coming, one sliding to grab his ass, the other sliding up his back under his shirt, pushing it up until it was caught underneath his armpits. The hand continued until fingers could wrap around the back of his neck and held him tightly in place. He hissed as Rodney’s palm slide over the bruise but it was a fleeting pain, gone as Rodney kept his head in place, kissing him, slowing it down as Johns hips slowed and he settled more fully against Rodney, panting hard as the kisses slowed down as they fought to settle and gain their breath back.

Rodney finally pulled back, giving him three last fast hard kisses, reminiscent of the ones John had bestowed earlier, before dropping his head back and panting. His hand stayed where they were, gripping John and keeping him steady on his lap. John dropped his head down, pressing his forehead against Rodney’s collarbone, not having the energy to move. He was taller than the other man, especially like this, and it made his spine bend in ways he knew he would regret later but didn’t want to move.

Their breathing slowly evened out, and after a few more moments John raised his head, meeting Rodney’s eye. He had been worried for a second, about awkwardness or stumbling words, but when he saw the soft smile on Rodney’s face, he felt one stretch across his own as well. 

The hand on the back of his neck moved, detangling itself from his shirt and instead trailing fingers across his mouth. He was sure his lips were red and swollen, they felt sore and chapped. John felt his lips part a little bit, and he licked over his bottom lip again, catching fingers, watching with amusement as those bright blue eyes narrowed in on his mouth.

“I wish I was twenty again so I could screw you across this table,” Rodney said, sounding almost conversational if not for the rasp in his voice and the way his hand flexed on Johns ass. 

John shuddered at that, shifting a bit and pushed back into the hand. “One day,” he said instead, sounding like he had spent the day smoking cigars and drinking whiskey. 

“This turned out better than I thought it would,” Rodney said after a few moments of silence. 

John raised an eyebrow, not sure what he was referring too. Rodney waved a hand between the two of them, still wrapped up around each other. John could feel the wetness in his pants and feel the stretch in his thighs from his legs hooked over the arm of the chair, he was beginning to feel uncomfortable but all he could do was nod. 

“I mean, these chairs are ancient, and those doors don’t exactly lock, you have a bruised back, and a million things could have happened,” Rodney continued, beginning to build up a full head of steam and John relaxed even more, letting Rodney’s words wash over him. He shifted, moving to sit more comfortably and he heard the chair creak ominously, causing both of them to still. 

“Uhhh,” he said, leaning back and exchanging a look with Rodney.

“Spoke too soon.”

Rodney was sheepish and John gave him three quick kisses before standing up carefully, shifting and grimacing at the wetness on the front of his pants. He shifted and wiggled a bit, trying to get comfortable in his boxers as he pulled his shirt down, trying to make it look less like he had just been having sex. 

“Please tell me my room is still where it’s supposed to be?” he asked, looking at Rodney who was staring at him with wide eyes. 

It took a few seconds before Rodney closed his eyes and dropped his head back for a second. “You are a danger to my concentration Colonel,” he muttered, keeping his eyes closed as he stood up and began to adjust his pants, tucking himself back in and doing them up. John found he was distracted by the quick deft movements of Rodney’s fingers and he swallowed. 

“Right back atcha Doc,” he said his voice going even huskier. 

He tore his eyes and looked up, meeting Rodney’s and he grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. 

Rodney stepped forward and wrapped an arm around his waist pulling him in tightly and John moved with it. “Not a girl McKay,” he said, grumbling for forms sake at the man handling, even as he hooked an arm around Rodney’s neck and leaned against him.

Rodney just shrugged and kissed him, one hand sliding into his hair and holding his head right where Rodney wanted it. “Your rooms are where they’re supposed to be,” he said pulling back for a second before leaning in to kiss John again. 

John leaned against the table, Rodney pressing in close between his legs and he let out a soft groan as they pressed up against each other just trading soft kisses that spoke more than words ever could. He never wanted this moment to end, wanted to stay and never leave this room. It was a lifetime and six years of waiting for this, feeling content and happier than he had ever felt before. He had never been a dreamer, not after getting his wings. He had gotten the sky and was too afraid to hope for more, but in the past few months he had thought of a moment like this. Atlantis back where she belonged, Rodney by his side and in his arms. If this was VR, he never wanted to wake up. 

A shudder rocked the city, almost immediately a call for Rodney over the PA followed, breaking up their kiss. Rodney groaned, dropping his forehead to Johns collarbone. “One, just one trip without problems, is it too much to ask?” he complained. 

John tightened his arms for a second before letting go, pushing back with a smile. “We have time, go be smarter than everyone,” he said, crossing his arms and his ankles, leaning still. 

Rodney pointed a finger at John and glowered at him. “Stop distracting me.”

“I’m not doing anything!”

“You’re doing the hip thing.”

“Hip?”

“Yes, the hip thing. All leaning and slouchy, you have no hips so I don’t know how you make a hip thing work but you do and its really distracting.”

“Well you’re doing a pointy thing!”

“What?”

“Pointing at me with those fingers.”

“What’s wrong with my fingers?”

“They’re not in me.”

John finished his sentence with a smirk, watching as Rodney’s face went slack for a moment, blue eyes wide. 

“You are a menace to society!”

John snorted at that. “It’s our society, I say I’m not a menace?”

“You are. Just like in the room in the tower,” Rodney said, waving a hand at John. “I’m not going to get anything done, am I?”

“Not if I can help it,” John said, leaning forward a little bit and licking over his bottom lip.

Rodney swallowed and looked at him up and down before letting out a sigh. “This is just as hard to leave as it was the other day.”

John felt a flush run through him as the memory and he swallowed as well. Rodney was looking at him like he wanted to devour him, and John was sure he had the same look on his face. 

John smiled. “The difference is now, you come back to me, back to my room.”

The two of them just stared at each other, neither of them wanting to break the staring contest, even as Rodney’s face shifted into a soft happy smile and John felt his own face move to match it. 

The PA chimed again and Rodney groaned, closing his eyes. “Everyone’s a menace,” he muttered, keeping his eyes closed as he turned and started walking, muttering when he ran into a chair and the corner of a table, not opening his eyes, a mirror of a couple days ago. 

John laughed, loud and bright. “What are you doing?”

“Not getting distracted,” Rodney called back, waving a hand over his shoulder in his general direction. 

“Later then?” John asked, already planning on how long he could wait before dragging Rodney back to his room. 

“After you land us,” Rodney said stopping by the doors and chancing a glance over towards John. palming the door open. “Menace,” he muttered darkly before leaving and John snorted again. 

He looked through the doors and did his best not to blush as he caught sight of the knowing look on his XO’s face. “Menace is right,” he muttered, throwing his shoulders back and trying his best to avoid eye contact with people as he made his way to his room to shower and change.


	4. Chapter 4

For all John wanted to drag Rodney into a room and spend time with the two of them, the next couple days were busy spent preparing to land. Now that John knew everything he was amazed at how much had been hidden from him, and how glad Lorne was that he was on board now. John found himself inundated with work, figuring out patrols, and other security measures. Apparently, a lot of former Atlantis expeditions members had come back, Cadman, Stackhouse, Bates and a lot of the scientists. He was amazed, remembering why each of them had had to go, and humbled that they were coming back. It couldn’t have been easy, they would have made friends while back on Earth, but they still wanted to come back to Atlantis. He was also amazed at the sheer amount of supplies they had managed to sneak into Atlantis.

“Jenny is really good at getting people things that they need, without other people knowing. I had a lot of people bring stuff in as I snuck them in, and the storage devices were really helpful,” Rodney explained when John asked him. “I needed people I trusted on Earth to get supplies. Many members of the first expedition feel like this is home, and I could bring them back, eventually. So, while they were stuck, they got the supplies we needed. It’s what took so long before we took off, we had to finish getting everyone here. Most of the supplies had been loaded in long before, out in the outskirts of the city, we didn’t know when and if this would all have happened, and every single one of them had life on pause until we did.”

John had been stunned, remembering how Rodney had spent so much time in the outskirts and his own belief it had to do with the cloak. Which he sure it was, but it was also amazing that this had all happened. John had been worried about supplies, medicines, ammo, _coffee_ as soon as Rodney told them they were declaring Independence. He knew things would have to change, they needed to find more like Ronon’s weapon, they would run out of bullets one day. The wraith stunners were fine, but they were large and unwieldy. 

The two of them hadn’t been able to carve out more time, forced to make do with quick kisses in the few moments they had. He wanted more, but things were too hectic right now. At the mention of Dr. Zhang he felt the same stab of jealousy he had felt before and he knew it was on his face as soon as Rodney started grinning at him. 

“Shut up,” he muttered and Rodney just stepped forward, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him in. “Still not a girl McKay.”

“You’re jealous,” Rodney said instead kissing him three times quickly as had quickly become their standard greeting. 

John tried to play cool, shrugging his shoulders, but the grin on Rodney’s face gave him away and he sighed. “I know I shouldn’t be, but I am.” 

“If it makes you feel any better, Dr. Harper is stuck in her room and it is making me really cranky when I think about it.”

John started and looked at Rodney with wide eyes. He had forgotten Alice would be on the city, and he winced at the thought he had forgotten. Rodney took one look at his face and began to laugh. 

“You forgot!”

John groaned and dropped his head forward, resting it on Rodney’s shoulder. “I did, fuck.”

The arm around his waist moved and began to run up and down his back and he relaxed against Rodney even more. They still had so much to talk about, to deal with, but these moments needed to be cherished.

“I hated her, the moment you smiled at her,” Rodney admitted. “I couldn’t get mad at you for dating her, not when I was dating Jennifer. And I couldn’t hate her because she made you happy in her own way, but it was so hard not to throw her of off a pier.”

“If I had known you were doing this I wouldn’t have dated her,” John said softly. It was still a point of contention between them, the fact that Rodney hadn’t told John. Despite everything, he knew he would still carry that small stab of hurt for a while yet. 

Rodney sighed and kissed the side of his head. “We’re here now,” he prevaricated. 

“I know,” John replied after a few moments with a long sigh, “at least after I land later we can finally get some alone time before we dial Earth.” 

“Gives your back some more time to heal,” Rodney said, fingers trailing softly over where the bruise had turned an ugly shade of black and crept up his neck and merged with his hair. At least the muscle strain had been healed somewhat with the aid of one of the ancient devices Biro was so fond of. The bruise would just have to run its natural course. For all their many talents, healing bruises was not something the Ancients mastered.

John shrugged. “You’re a genius, I’m sure you can figure out how to get around that.

Rodney hummed in agreement and tugged John in tighter. “Lots of time after everyone goes back.”

Shifting his head, he kissed Rodney softly before smirking, winking at Rodney. “Looking forward to it.”

* * *

There was a tension in the Atlantis as John made his way to the chair room and he could feel it in his own bones. He hadn’t been able to fly Atlantis to Earth, nor to let her leave Earth, but this he could do. He could land her back on the original planet they had found her on. He was taking her home and that tempered a lot of the sadness he had felt about not being able to fly her away. He could feel the excitement building in his limbs and even the long run he had had with Ronon earlier wasn’t enough to get all of the thrumming energy out. Every single person he passed looked at him and he could feel their excitement. 

He stepped into the chair room and spotted Rodney in the corner arguing with Radek, both of them glaring at each other. Stepping around a pile of cables and tablets that he had been assured did something other than make a mess, he stood next to the two men. 

“Everything okay?” he asked, looking between the two of them.

“Yes yes Colonel,” Radek replied, still glaring at Rodney. “Someone had a big head and decided he needed to oversee everything.”

Rodney sniffed and lifted his chin. “Well _excuse me_ for wanting to make sure this landing is better.”

“Is not me you need to be yelling at for that,” Radek said, cutting his eyes towards John and back again.

Rodney waved a hand, almost hitting John in the face if quick reflexes hadn’t made him duck. “The Colonel will land us fine, I’m worried about everyone else falling down on the job.”

Radek rolled his eyes as John felt a burst of warmth in his chest. He would be fine, everyone else would be the problem. Rodney didn’t compliment people often, and even John was weak to the brush of happiness when Rodney gave a compliment. 

“Am sure can handle this, just as smart as you are Rodney, you needed in control room. Your plan, you need to be in control room, go go,” Radek said making shooing motions with his hand. 

Rodney stood where he was for a moment, squinting at Radek before letting out an irritated huff and turning to John. “Do not break my city.”

John grinned. “Slam it into the ocean, gotcha. How far down do you want it? Like a cork, right?”

“You’re not amusing,” Rodney said, even as the corner of his lip twitched. 

John made a popping noise with his lips, clapping Rodney on the back, not sure if he should kiss him or not. They hadn’t talk about what they were. Oh, he was sure everyone _knew_ , especially after the conference room display, but he didn’t know what they should or shouldn’t do with others around. 

Rodney solved that problem by kissing him quickly and leaving without another word, John’s gaze following him as he went. 

“Is time for chair Colonel Moon Eyes,” Radek said and John snapped back, blushing a little bit.

“I’m not that bad,” he muttered even as he sat down.

“No you right, you worse,” Radek said as he stepped over to the tablet hooked up to the chair. “You try and pretend to be subtle, but you staring like teenager in back of car.”

John scowled at Radek. “How’s Miko?” he asked, trying to change the subject.

“She good, we have lovely date last night. Ate dinner by light of hyperspace window, blue very romantic,” Radek said without a trace of guile. “Let’s go Colonel Moon Eyes.”

“I have a gun you know,” John said as he leaned back and closed his eyes, allowing himself to sink into Atlantis’s systems, enjoying the connection even more after that brief stint with silence. 

“Yes yes, might work on people we not met, but everyone knows you have big a heart as Rodney does,” Radek replied patting John on the shoulder. “You two made for each other. Is like orange. Bitter outside, sweet inside.”

“Don’t tell Rodney that analogy,” John muttered as he settled further into her systems. “It’ll give him an anaphylactic shock by proxy.”

“Won’t tell soul,” Radek promised with one more pat on his shoulder before John was swept away, his mind stretching and filling Atlantis in a way he never had before. He felt like he was the city, he could feel every space within in, every step a person took. He could pin point everyone, could trace them through cameras and he drifted for a moment, watching Rodney yelling around the control tower. It had never been like this, and he was lost, floating around, everything shiny and new. 

John drifted within Atlantis, soaring along her circuits, his mind filled with numbers that he knew would make sense now, and wouldn’t as soon as he pulled himself out. He wondered if this was why the Ancients had wanted to learn about Ascension. The feeling of his mind expanding, more knowledge flowing through him until he felt like he was filled to the brim. It was heady, the sensation beginning to overwhelm as he struggled to pull himself back, to fit into his own skin again.

“We’re in orbit,” he said after a few moments, struggling with what he was supposed to be doing, to bring his mind back and fit his skin. “Let everyone know we’re about to begin a landing.”

He heard Rodney’s voice a second later, brusque in his announcement to sit down and don’t do anything stupid and it settled him, anchored him, made it easier to fit back into himself. He smiled, even as he kept his eyes closed, moving the city to where they had decided to land. Back where they had found her the first time. All those years ago, young and not prepared for what the galaxy would throw at them.

“Taking her in,” he murmured, most of his focus on the landing. He was aware of time passing as they passed through the atmosphere, he could hear people talking around him and he knew he could do this faster but he wanted to make sure it was a good landing, that nothing would be broken when he set her down. They had the time, he didn’t need to rush this. They weren’t under attack this time, they weren’t running out of power. Things were good. 

He felt drag towards the east and he adjusted, moving the city down in a slow arch until he was hovering over where they wanted to go and he waited until he had the all clear, the pod of whales far away from them until he slowly put them down. He felt the city settle down with a small splash, and he waited a few seconds as he powered down the star drive and the attitude thrusts to get her situated before he dragged himself out of the city systems and felt himself settle back into his skin fully.

The chair sat up and he blinked his eyes open, squinting a bit in the sudden light and he became aware of cheering audible even from where he was in the city. He shook his head, rubbing both hands over his face and looked towards where Radek was grinning at him. He couldn’t help but grin back at him, the smile hurting his cheeks from how wide it was. 

“We’re home,” he said.

Radek nodded. “Am glad you with us Colonel.”

“Was there any doubt?” he asked.

“Not to most of us, but Rodney prone to stupidity sometimes.”

* * *

John wasn’t sure how long he had been asleep when the sound of his door opening woke him up, his whole body tensing up. He had stumbled from the chair to the infirmary, submitting to a checkup before he was sent on his way, sitting in the chair always left him tired, and the long couple of days had finally caught up to him. He remembered he had gotten to his room and stripped down almost immediately, crawling into bed and then nothing until the door opening. He pushed up on an elbow, looking towards the door, recognizing the profile in the doorway immediately and he stretched an arm out towards Rodney, fingers beckoning as he collapsed back onto the bed. 

The door closed and a few second slater he felt the bed dip down on the edge. He felt the tension leave his body and he rolled onto his back carefully so he could look up at Rodney. He felt a hand drop onto his chest and he reached up, covering it with his own. 

“Sleeping?” Rodney asked, turning his hand so their fingers laced together. His voice was weary, sounding like he always did on the end of five-day adrenaline terror fueled missions, kept away with carefully sanctioned speed and sheer willpower. The bags had multiplied under his eyes, and he looked drawn. 

John shifted and reached up, tugging Rodney’s shirt to pull him down. “I was, but I think you’d benefit from joining me.”

“Had a plan you know,” Rodney said resisting the pull for just enough time to get naked before he stretched out next to John, moving so he could get under the covers as well. 

“I was so awake, I was going to come in here and actually touch you like I’ve been wanting to touch you for so long,” Rodney continued, rolling to his side and wrapping an arm around Johns waist, pulling him close. “But as soon as I saw you sleeping all I wanted to do was sleep.”

His voice was getting softer and John grinned, rolling onto his side and pressing in as close as he could. “Sounded like a good plan,” he said softly, one hand moving up and down the arm around his waist. 

“Was the best plan,” Rodney agreed. “This is a solid second place option though.”

Rodney’s hand began to move, trailing fingers over his back, and Johns eyes fell half shut at the soothing touch. He arched his back a little bit to get more contact and felt more than heard Rodney’s chuckle.

“Sore?” Rodney asked, fingers trailing up his spine to drift along the bruise on his back and neck, fingers gentle.

“Nots’bad,” he muttered, looking at Rodney through a fan of lashes. “Feels good.”

“You’re a cat aren’t you Colonel?” Rodney said. 

“Not a Colonel anymore,” he replied softly. 

Rodney snorted. “Not for America, but for Atlantis you are. We have better benefits though.” 

“Full health I hope, and dental.”

“We even have mandatory vacation.”

“Is that all?”

“Mmhmm, hours suck though.”

“Not so new.”

“Great uppers though. The best speed this side of the Mississippi.”

“How could I resist with that sell? Anything else I should know about.”

John felt the arm tighten around him even more, and he was pressed up against Rodney, a mouth pressed against his own. It was a soft kiss and he felt his eyes slide all the way shut, mouth opening up to Rodney. It was gentle, exploratory, none of the need driving them like it had been before. This was new, this was learning something he had wanted to know for a long time. He could feel himself smiling even as he pushed in tighter, wanting to feel Rodney pressed against him. Rodney could kiss. He had known that from in the conference room, but this was different. It was controlled, careful in a way he didn’t expect, as if Rodney had a map and he wanted to follow a specific route. It was intent wrapped up in need and John had never felt as good just from kissing as he did in this moment. 

The hand on his back slid down and grabbed his ass, holding him in place. He shifted again, one leg moving to hook over Rodney’s waist, bringing them as close as he could get. The hand on his ass moved down his leg, trailing fingers along the side of his leg and back up to rest a possessive hand where it had been. They were both naked, cocks pressed against each other but there was nothing sexual about this. For all he wanted, John wasn’t sure he had enough energy to get it up, and he doubted Rodney did either. It was just comforting, to be touched by someone he knew loved him as much as he loved them. He wasn’t sure how long they kissed, tongues moving back and forth easily and John was sure he could get lost in them.

Eventually Rodney pulled back with three soft kisses. “How’s that?”

John grinned. “Sold.”

“Good, it’s a one-time offer, from me and me only, for the rest of your life.”

John pretended to think about it and opened his eyes finally, meeting Rodney’s eyes easily. They seemed to glow in the moonlight, even bluer than they were normally. He could see the possessiveness, and the hand on his ass seemed to tighten just a little bit and he shivered. “Lifetime guarantee?”

“No refunds no returns.”

“Sounds perfect.”

Rodney grinned at him then, one of his large, happy smiles that John almost never saw and loved a little bit more each time. It stretched across his face, making him seem years younger. He could feel his heart stutter a little bit and he wished he could get even closer, but they were pressed together tightly already. He kept his eyes on Rodney, just staring at him, wondering if and when it would become awkward, but he didn’t think it was possible. Not while the novelty was still there, still strong.

“You know, if we go to sleep now we could wake up early enough…” he trailed off as his fingers trailed down Rodney’s side and across his stomach, dipping down to brush below Rodney’s belly button.

Rodney’s breath hitched for a second before he nodded. “And you think you’re bad at plans. Chop chop Colonel, it’s time for sleep.”

Rodney seemed determined to follow his own advice and closed his eyes, his head resting on the one pillow on the bed. John just chuckled softly and closed his own eyes, moving to settle (never snuggle no matter what parts of his mind were telling him) against Rodney even more.

* * *

John wasn’t sure how long he slept that time either, only that he woke slowly and warm, fingers trailing up and down his spine. He shifted a little bit, just enjoying the feeling as fingers gave way to Rodney’s hand, smoothing up and down his back. It was relaxing, each sweep along his spine making him settle even more, half awake and still in dream land. He didn’t know how long he drifted before he slowly started to wake up completely. He had the dull edge to his senses that told him he had slept long and hard, the whole world feeling a bit muddy and he found he didn’t mind. 

He let out a soft groan as he rolled onto his back to stretch, back arching and arms overhead, toes pointing, working out the kinks in his spine from sleep and the hand from his back moved to settled on his stomach, fingers splayed possessively. He dropped back down onto the bed with a groan, finally opening his eyes to look at Rodney who was watching him with dark eyes.

“If that’s what I get to see every morning I think it’ll be a lot easier for me to wake up,” Rodney murmured.

John shrugged and smiled. “Did you get enough sleep?”

“Enough, I don’t really need more than five or six hours these days,” Rodney replied as he began to trail his hand up Johns stomach and over his chest to cup his jaw and draw him into a kiss. 

“You really like touching me,” John said before kissing Rodney back, ignoring the fuzzy feeling in his mouth and his morning breath.

“You know what you look like,” Rodney muttered the hand moving to slide into Johns hair and tug his head back, kissing him deeper.

Grinning, John hooked an arm around Rodney’s shoulders and pulled him down and across him, pressing up into the kiss. Their legs tangled and shifted until Rodney’s hips were cradled between his thighs, ankles hooked to keep Rodney close. Unlike the last time they were awake, John felt himself responding, his cock beginning to get hard. He could feel Rodney responding and he pressed up into the kiss even more, the hand in his hair tightening and moving his head, shifting it around until Rodney found what he wanted. It was just like Rodney, calculating the precise angles for optimal kissing and John didn’t mind in the slightest, not if it meant the slick slide of a tongue against his. 

He began to grind up, thighs tightening so he could move his lower body, groaning at the first slide of their cocks against each other. He felt Rodney shift, weight moving to one arm, the other hand running up and down his thigh before gripping his ass again, Rodney’s fingers digging in and pulling him in tightly. 

“Wanna fuck you,” Rodney muttered into his mouth and John nodded quickly.

“Fuck yes,” he said pulling back from the kiss so he could press kisses against Rodney’s jaw, licking over the rasp of stubble before biting his chin. 

He felt the groan and he did it again before going back to licking and biting over whatever skin of Rodney’s neck and jaw he could find, the hand in his hair moving from tugging to pushing, keeping them close. “Wanna feel you,” he muttered digging his heels into Rodney’s ass to drive them together even more. 

“Christ,” Rodney gasped out as he pulled back and up and away. 

John tried to follow him but the twinge in his back from the strain had him dropping back against the pillow with an annoyed huff. He looked up at Rodney who was braced on his arms over him, hands pressing into the bed on either side of his head. 

“Stopping because?” he drawled, hands moving to run up and down the arms caging him in. 

“Lube, condoms,” Rodney ground out, his eyes mostly pupil and John reached up to pull him down into another kiss.

“Side table,” he said right before sliding his tongue back into Rodney’s mouth and ground his hips up. 

“You keep distracting me.”

“We’ll get there,” he said wanting to keep doing what they were doing. 

It felt good, to just touch and be touched all thoughts of side tables and lube gone as their hands began to trail over each other, exploring. John found that Rodney gasped and his hips jerked anytime nails scratched across his ribs, and he kept doing it, suddenly wanting to hear that noise again and again. Rodney rolled them suddenly and he found himself straddling Rodney and he kept on grinding down, the kiss more desperate than it had been before. He felt hands smooth up his back before nails scratched down and he moaned, back arching to get more pressure.

“Sensitive back?” Rodney asked, even as he repeated the motion, fingers trailing back up onto to scratch down. 

John nodded, his hips moving faster, his head dropping down to bite at Rodney’s jaw and down further, along his neck and shoulders as his own hands spread out across Rodney’s chest, trying to find the same response. His thumbs brushed against Rodney’s nipples and he felt the other man’s breath stutter out on a moan and he grinned, beginning to rub soft circles over them, feeling them harden under his thumbs. 

The hands up and down his back suddenly settled on his ass, squeezing and kneading and Johns breath caught as fingers shifted, rubbing along his crease and between his cheeks. He pushed back, trying to get those fingers where he wanted them. 

“Please tell me you’ve done this before,” Rodney muttered, beginning to rub over his hole and John nodded.

“Years but yes,” he said, pushing his ass back against the hands, feeling greedy and hedonistic but he didn’t want to stop. “You?”

“Been about a year but I don’t forget easily.”

John felt a stab of jealousy at that, but pushed it down as Rodney began to kiss and nudge at the side of his head until he got the message and lifted his head so they could kiss again. Rodney was here with him now and everyone else was in the past. He reached out, stretching for the side table to open the drawer, trying to find what he was looking for and coming up empty. He let out a groan and raised his head from the kiss shifting up onto his knees so he could lean over and rummage around more effectively. 

He felt teeth nip at his collarbone and he looked down to see Rodney look up at him unrepentantly, fingers still rubbing across his hole. “Now whose being distracting.”

“Still you.”

John rolled his eyes and did his best to focus on the drawer, a sinking feeling coming across him a second later. “Fuck,” he muttered, sitting back down onto Rodney’s waist, ass pressing against Rodney’s cock.

“What’s wrong?” Rodney said, his hands stopping the movement and instead settling on his waist, keeping him steady.

“All my shit,” John muttered out, rubbing a hand over his face. “Not in my room right now.” 

It only took Rodney a second to get it before he groaned as well. “Please tell me it’s not in Dr. Harpers room.”

John winced and shifted, feeling Rodney’s cock rub against him and they didn’t have anything. The hands on his hips tightened, keeping him still. 

“Lotion?” Rodney asked hopefully.

“Out.”

“Conditioner? Sunscreen?”

“Two for one shampoo and I always steal yours.”

“Christ, cooking oil or something?”

John shook his head and Rodney dug his head into the pillow with a groan, eyes sliding shut. John tried to shift but he fingers gripping his waist just dug in harder and his eyes fluttered shut and he groaned low in his chest. He opened his eyes a second to be met with a calculated look in Rodney’s eyes. He wondered what Rodney saw on his face. 

“What?” he asked, even as he tried to grind down only to be stopped by Rodney’s tightening fingers. John knew he could break the hold if he wanted, to grind his ass down against Rodney’s cock, but the fingers digging into his hips felt good and he liked the strength in them.

“Gimme your hand,” Rodney said, grabbing for one of his hands before John had a moment to think about it, watching with wide eyes as the other man licked over his palm, fingers trailing up and down his fingers and across his palm again. 

“Shift back,” Rodney said, his other hand pushing John back before his wet hand was dragged down to wrap around both of their cocks. “Come on,” he said urging him to begin to move his hand around them both.

John got the idea and began to move his hand, eyes focused on the scene in front of him. He felt Rodney’s hands settled back onto his hips, holding him in place even as Rodney’s hips began to move, grinding himself up into John’s fist. He could feel the strength in the thighs he was half sitting on as each thrust Rodney made moved them both up, and he let out a stuttering breath, turned on by the strength. His head dropped forward, mouth opening as he gasped in air. He dropped a hand to Rodney’s chest, bracing himself to keep his balance. It wasn’t what he wanted, but it still felt fucking good. Felt good to have Rodney underneath him, felt good to have the hands on his hips holding him in place. He forced himself to keep his eyes open, not wanting to miss anything, feeling a prickle of sweat break out across his skin. 

He leaned forward, his hand slowing down so he could lick a bead of sweat that was trailing across Rodney’s neck before moving to kiss Rodney, panting as he pushed in closer, needing to be closer. 

“Dr. McKay, paging Dr. McKay, please pick up your comm.”

John stilled, his mind not registering what he heard but Rodney’s hands just gripped his hips even harder, beginning to move them. “Don’t stop,” Rodney ground out, and John wasn’t going to fight him on that, his hand beginning to pick back up even as Rodney kissed him.

“Dr. McKay, please pick up, this is urgent.”

Rodney let out a groan and stilled him. “This isn’t happening,” he muttered. 

John dropped his forehead to Rodney’s neck, his hand still moving as he bit down. They hadn’t paged him and he could feel his orgasm beginning to build. He could feel Rodney shift beneath him but he didn’t pay him any mind, his hand still moving, licking and biting over the tendon on the side of Rodney’s neck, his own hips beginning to fuck into his fist.

“Someone better be dying or I will kill someone,” Rodney said suddenly and Johns head snapped up, seeing Rodney talking into his comm. 

He frowned, lips drawing down and shifted, letting go of his own erection to wrap his hand fully around Rodney’s beginning to jerk him off. He hadn’t been called, whatever was happening couldn’t be that bad and he was irritated Rodney had picked up. He felt Rodney’s free hand tighten on his hip and those blue eyes snapped towards him and he just smirked, hand moving up and down Rodney’s erection slowly. His other hand dropped, running up his chest to rub over a nipple.

He saw Rodney’s jaw tense, but didn’t say anything just watched John even as he listened to whoever was on the other side of the comm. John had been known to be petty, and right then he was more than a little bit annoyed. He had finally got all of Rodney’s attention and he wanted to keep it, wanted those big hands back on his hips moving him, wanted the slide of their erections together. Whoever was on the other side of the comm could wait, there was nothing — 

“What the fuck do you mean we’re sinking?”

— Johns grip slackened and he dropped his hand away, dropping forward to rest on Rodney with a groan. “Fucking Christ seriously?” he muttered into Rodney’s neck.

He felt a hand grip the back of his neck, fingers tight and he could feel the tension in Rodney’s body as the other man sat up, taking John with him. John shifted, moving until he was sitting in his lap, legs wrapped around Rodney’s waist. He wrapped his arms around Rodney, not wanting to let him go, not wanting to let this end. A part of his brain knew that he had too, but the larger part wanted to just keep jerking them off. 

“Be there in ten,” he heard Rodney said, voice hard and cold and he almost _almost_ felt bad for the scientists Rodney was about to deal with. He heard the clatter of the comm device onto the table and felt arms wrap around him.

“Seriously,” he repeated, pulling his head away from Rodney’s neck to look at his face.

“One of the stabilizers on the East pier is firing nonstop and forcing the west pier into the water,” Rodney explained. 

“And no one else can deal with it?”

Rodney shrugged. “Won’t know until I get there, but I swear someone will drown if I find out this was an easy fix.”

John cupped Rodney’s face in his hands and leaned in to kiss him, pressing in close and making it as dirty and slow as he could, grinding against the other man. “Can’t convince you to stay?”

He felt the hands settled back on his ass, pulling him closer into Rodney’s lap as Rodney took control of the kiss, speeding it up and leaving him gasping. “You could, but you won’t.”

“I could,” he said sounding petulant even to his own ears. He knew Rodney was right, he was already trying to remember what they had out on the west pier, if they had any labs or people out there. 

“Motherfuckers,” he muttered, moving to drop himself backwards on the bed, legs still wrapped around Rodney as he crossed his arms over his chest. He felt like a teenager throwing a tantrum, but he was pissed off. “Seriously, not in an hour? Or half an hour ago? But now?”

Rodney didn’t reply and he raised his head, seeing Rodney looking at him, a little bit gobsmacked. “What?” he asked, moving back up onto his elbows. 

“Christ John,” Rodney breathed out, awed, looking up at him. “Look at you. I can’t decide if I’m turned on or my hips hurt in sympathy.”

John watched as Rodney moved his hands, feeling his way around his body. He watched the hands slide over his hips and waist, tracing up along his ribcage before sliding down, tracing over abs that were fading with every year he got older. Those clever quick hands traced along the v-muscle he was still proud of along his hips, fingers tracing the grove there a couple times before sliding down and gripping his thighs, hands almost broad enough to span his leg. 

“Played baseball as a kid, mostly as a catcher,” John said. “Pretty comfortable actually.”

“What?” Rodney asked, fingers still trailing over his body, distracted. 

“Crouched a lot,” he said feeling a bit nonsensical. 

John stayed where he was, watching the clever fingers move and he didn’t want to say anything, not when Rodney’s focus was all on him, he was pinned under his gaze, seeing the wonder in Rodney’s face. His muscles contracted, little shivers every time Rodney’s fingers danced along a new spot on his body. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from speaking, his eyes focused on Rodney’s arms, seeing the muscles flex and move. He swallowed, wanting to sit up and sink his teeth into the thick band of muscle across Rodney’s shoulders. 

“Keep doing that and the city will sink,” he said hoarsely even as he flexed, mind still warring between wanting to be responsible and be fucked.

“I’m going to fire everyone,” Rodney said, voice deceptively calm, hands moving to rest on Johns hips again. “Send them all back to Earth.”

John pushed himself back up just enough so he could wrap a hand around Rodney’s neck, using his grip to haul himself the rest of the way, grinning as the gobsmacked look made its way back across Rodney’s face. “We really should be going,” he said even as he kissed Rodney again. “Ten minutes you said.”

“Everyone’s fired,” Rodney muttered kissing him back before closing his eyes and pushing John back of off his lap.

He had been expecting it, and he shifted, letting Rodney stand up and begin to get dressed. He sat cross legged, and leaned his elbows against his knees, watching Rodney, feeling colder than he had been before. Rodney stopped and turned to look at him, stepping closer and sliding hands into his hair so he could tilt Johns head back for a slow kiss. 

“Find lube, or get your lube back,” Rodney said once he pulled back. “This is your mission should you choose to accept.”

“Yes sir, right away sir,” John replied with a little salute before reaching out to do up Rodney’s button and zipper, leaving his hands resting on Rodney’s hips. 

He was irritated and annoyed, but he understood and that was the worst thing. They had a responsibility to the city, and they city would come first while things got settled. It sucked, and he hated every single second of it but at the same time he knew what he had been getting into and he wouldn’t trade it for the world. They would get their time, at some point, and John would just have to be frustrated until then. It wasn’t like he was used to it with Rodney. It had been the basis of their relationship for the past couple months. 

“Later then?”

Rodney sighed, hands still cupping his face. “We’re dialing Earth in a few hours, so it’ll be much later.”

John let out a frustrated huff. “Fucking motherfuckers, one hour. It’s all we needed.”

Rodney kissed him three more times before stepping back and grabbing his comm. “Tell me what you have,” Rodney snapped into the comm, giving him one more last lingering look before he was out the door. 

John sat there for a few seconds, feeling cold and exposed on top of the bed sheets before he groaned and stood up, looking down at his flagging erection before grabbing a pair of clean boxers and his own comm.

“Lorne, report. Do we have anything on the west pier we need to be worried about?” he asked as he stepped into his boxers.

He was sure he sounded snappish, but who would blame him. Atlantis interruptus. There was a beat of silence before Lorne started reporting and he listened as he got dressed. He wasn’t needed right then, but the thought of sitting in his bed without Rodney wasn’t putting him in any better of a mood. He needed to swing by the infirmary because there was no way in hell was he going to try and explain him and Rodney to Alice. 

Shoving his feet into his boots, he made his way to the infirmary before meeting up with Lorne. Might as well get something done if he couldn’t be doing what he wanted.

* * *

It was a couple hours later before he even saw Rodney. He had ended up back in the chair, trying to explain how Atlantis felt to a bunch of scientists who didn’t have the gene, all the while Rodney did everything he could to cut power to the East Pier. They had finally gotten Atlantis stabilized and figured out the problem had been a short in one of the systems. John had started the day well and it had gone downhill from there, he had been running out putting out little fires all morning, had missed lunch, and had spent the afternoon double checking with everyone who was leaving that they were ready. 

Which had resulted in an awkward confrontation with Alice. As soon as he had knocked on the door and she realized it was him, she started yelling. Going on about how he led her on when he knew he would be leaving at some point. John had tried to interject, to explain that he hadn’t known but she wasn’t listening and eventually he fell silent, letting her say what she needed to say. Part of him felt like he deserved this, he had in a way led her on, just not the way she had imagined. 

Lorne stood behind him, face as blank until she ran out of steam and started to sob. John didn’t know what to do and had just apologized and left, the door sliding shut behind him on the tears. 

“Christ,” he muttered, rubbing over his face and into his hair. 

“You okay Sir?”

John shrugged. “I’m fine, I feel worse for her than I feel bad if that makes sense.”

“Sort of sir,” Lorne said walking next to him. “Hindsight is 20/20 after all.”

John eyed the other man. “Spending time with Teyla?”

Lorne just smiled. “Marta actually, her and David get along well and so she comes with us often when we trade.”

Nodding his head, John ran through a mental list of who else they needed to talk to.

“Sir?” Lorne asked coming to a stop. 

John stopped and turned, raising an eyebrow, waiting for Lorne to say whatever he needed to say.

“I wanted to apologize,” he said and John frowned. 

“For what?”

“For not pushing for you to be included with all of this harder, myself and a lot of the military contingent felt bad for not telling you, but the Doc’s reasons made sense. Doesn’t make it right, and I’m sorry for that.”

John was silent for a moment before he sighed and shrugged. “It sucks, and the reason Rodney gave does make sense. But it’s a problem between me and Rodney that we’ll need to figure out at some point. Nothing to do with you or anyone else. I’m just glad you all still wanted me back.”

“Well I don’t want the job and no one else does, you get hurt way more than the rest of us,” Lorne said dryly. 

John grimaced, not disagreeing. 

“Listen, me and Miko, we need to talk to you about something later if you’re free,” Lorne continued, stepping closer and pitching his voice lower. “I’m sure you have plans with the Doc, but if you could swing by first?”

Lorne left the question hanging and John nodded, wondering what it was about. “Want me to bring Rodney?”

“No!”

The answer was immediate and quick and John frowned. “Lorne?”

“Nothing bad sir, just need to talk. 

“Fine.”

He felt wary now, but he trusted Lorne and Rodney trusted Miko and he knew he shouldn’t be so suspicious, but it was hard in the wake of everything. 

“I won’t tell Rodney, it’s not like I’ll see him anytime soon,” he muttered darkly, remembering that morning and the tingle he was sure he still felt in his spine. 

Lorne grimaced. “Chuck and Amelia roshamboed to call the Doc. They didn’t want to wake either of you up.”

Part of John wondered at how quickly everyone seemed to know that he and Rodney were together, but he was mostly glad that no one seemed to have an issue with it. No one was surprised to find Rodney in Johns quarters, or the touches that they didn’t even bother to try to hide. Of course, after the conference room blow job, it was obvious. Part of him still felt like he needed to deny it, but he pushed it down, not wanting to start his career in the Atlantis Military hiding that he was part of something he was proud to have. 

Mostly, he was glad he didn’t need to make the announcement to anyone. While he might be better talking to his team, he still hated the idea of talking to people about his personal life. 

“We weren’t sleeping Major,” John muttered, satisfied when Lorne winced almost imperceptibly. 

He was glad when Lorne just nodded and changed the subject to where they were going to next. Thinking of their interruption that morning made his mood drop even more. They walked for a few more moments in silence before John noticed Lorne looking at him out of the corner of his eye. He raised an eyebrow, silently asking his XO what was up.

“Sir,” Lorne started. “You know, me and the boys. We wouldn’t have said anything about you and the Doc.”

John blinked, stopping and turning to look at Lorne. “What?”

Lorne had a look of worried determination on his face as he stopped as well, turning and facing John. “If you two had had a relationship, or started one. None of us would have said anything.”

“I know,” John said shrugging, knowing full well the loyalty of his men. 

Lorne looked confused. “Then how come…?” He trailed off, clearly not sure how to finish the sentence and John could understand where he was coming from, almost. 

He thought about letting it go, not explaining his reasoning, and letting it go. It wasn’t any of Lorne’s business, but John also felt like the other man needed to have some things set straight. The world they were building was brand new, and he needed people to know who he was, instead of who they thought he was. 

“Who did you piss off to be made my XO?” he asked instead. 

Lorne started, a flash of guilt that was gone in a second. “No one,” he said sounding calmer than John knew he felt. 

John hummed. A noise he had learned from Rodney that said a lot more than it should. It was the noise Rodney made when one of his scientists lied and he knew it, he was just waiting for them to figure it out as well. The problem was, Lorne wasn’t a scientist. 

“How long?”

“Sir?” Lorne asked, looking confused.

“How long were you told you would be my XO before you took command?”

Lorne fell silent, confusion and guilt obvious now. John almost felt bad about pushing this, but Lorne had known about the Atlantis Plan for a long time, and John knew he was petty when he wanted to be. He wanted to be right now. It was also good, to clear the unspoken history between them. John had no doubt that Lorne had had no idea that John had known. He was sure most people didn’t think he knew, they didn’t understand the difference between him not knowing and him not caring. 

Lorne kept silent and John sighed, a little disappointed but not surprised.

“I’m not mad, I’m also not stupid,” he started. “No one back on Earth wanted me back in Command. Also, you’re too good of a solider to be stuck in the ass end of the universe as the XO to a washed-up Major who got a promotion because of genetics and luck.”

Lorne stayed quiet, and John rested his hands on his hips, watching his second in command. 

“I bet it was Landry and the IOA wasn’t it? Did they tell you that the decisions I made first year weren’t bad, but they had been under extenuating circumstances? I bet they told you that I needed to be watched, to make sure I did everything by the book now that we were in contact. When I inevitably fucked up, you would get the promotion and take over my job, and eventually cycle back to the SGC so Atlantis could be put into rotation with the rest of the military?”

Lorne didn’t speak, and John let him keep his silence. It was more telling than his XO probably wanted.

“What did you figure out Major?” he asked, his voice quiet. “About me.”

Lorne stayed silent, his eyes as hard as flint. John knew a lot of people thought Lorne was an affable friendly person, and he was. They also forgot that he had been through war just like John, that he had been a fighter pilot for the US Air Force and had dropped bombs on towns with civilians just like John had. He had no doubt Lorne had nightmares, had been shot down, and that was before he joined the SGC and his nightmares had gotten worse. John had been that person initially, until the Genii invaded and his sociable mask had been broken in the wake of the deaths he still didn’t feel bad about. Lorne smiled a lot easier than John these days, but he was just as dangerous.

He kept quiet, meeting his XO’s eyes and not letting anything go. They needed to lay their cards on the table once and for all, and John wasn’t going to let him out of it. 

Finally, Lorne sighed. “Six months,” he said voice flat. “I was supposed to catch you breaking some rule so you could be court martialed. I’d take over during the trial as Major and after six months they’d decided to promote me so I could run it, since I already knew it and it made sense. All subtle maneuvers so no one would suspect me.”

John nodded, not surprised in the slightest. He repeated his earlier question. “What did you find.”

“That you almost never broke the rules, and if you did it was with good cause. You never shot without being shot at first. Never did anything against the book. That your men are loyal and you deserve that loyalty. You’d do anything for them, and you never left a man behind. You tried your best to ask questions and then shoot, and always tried to deescalate a situation before making it worse. You would never ask someone to do something you wouldn’t do yourself.”

“And what do you think of my black mark?”

Lorne’s voice had dropped as he spoke, shame evident and paler than he had been before. “I think it was to save someone else’s ass and you got the shit end of the deal.”

“Partially,” he agreed. “We had shitty intel from the CIA and my men paid the price. I don’t leave men behind, and no one has an issue with that when you’re in command. Back then, I wasn’t in command. I stole a helicopter, I went and tried to get my men back and I failed. It wasn’t the failure that got me in trouble, it was that I had done what my CO should have done, and it made the brass look like idiots. The court martial was a formality, the black mark as a way of sweeping their failure under the rug. I was to spend six months in Antarctica and then I would go back to Afghanistan and go back to what I was doing. They fucked up, but they couldn’t let people know that. I was two weeks out from going back when I stumbled onto the program.”

“What does this have to do with you and the Doc,” Lorne asked quietly.

John smiled emotionlessly. “The black mark means everyone thinks I’m a wild card. That I will always rally against the man. I spent fifteen years in the Air Force before that moment and my jacket was filled with positive remarks, commendations and successful missions. I definitely did not always get along with all of my CO’s, and I am sure there was a lot of back room talk about me. But hearsay is just that, hearsay, I always preferred to let my actions do the arguing for me. I was in Black Ops Major, both as a pilot and a ground pounder. I know how to follow orders, even orders I don’t necessarily agree with. I’m not the maverick people think I am. So, knowing all of that, what makes you think I’d ask a single one of you to lie for me?”

John started walking, Lorne falling into step next to him, “I took the same oath that you all did because I believe in what we were doing. I’d never put one of you in a position to choose between your oath and your loyalty to me. I appreciate that you would all cover for me, but I’d never ask that of you.”

Lorne was quiet as they kept walking. John let him stew in silence, knowing he had taken the long route to answer the question but he felt like it had needed to be said. 

“I’m sorry,” Lorne said a couple of moments later.

“For what?” John asked. “For the UCMJ? You didn’t write it. For being sent here? Not your fault the IOA and Landry don’t like me. At some point you made a choice to stand with Atlantis, to help Rodney and everyone else take the city to where she could do some good. You’re here now, you made your decision to stand with us and I think that speaks a lot louder.”

“You’re pretty relaxed about the whole thing, about why I got assigned.”

John shrugged again. “Major, my Dad was an Army General and when he retired he took over running my family’s company. I was raised around backroom deals and under the table rewards. It’s not unique, and it’s never a surprise. When you got assigned, I looked at your CV and you’re a good solider. I had the choice to trust you to have my back regardless of how you got assigned, or clip your wings and I decided to let you fly. I made the right choice.”

Lorne nodded, his face back to the carefully blank look he had had before. “How did you do that?”

“What? Trust you?” John smiled. “I decided to trust your CV.” 

Lorne looked confused. “You know more than anyone that CV’s can lie.”

“I know. But I don’t mind mine, it’s helpful.”

“Sir?”

“When I follow the rules, people are excited because they think I’m following orders and that I’m learning from my mistakes. When I make a decision they don’t agree with they just assume it’s the wild card Colonel going off halfcocked like he always does. I get the best of both worlds.”

“They have to know what you’re doing,” Lorne protested.

John grinned. “Oh, _they_ know what I’m doing, a lot of people assume _I_ don’t know what I’m doing.”

Lorne blinked and then he snorted. “I’m surprised that worked.”

“It’s all about perception major,” John explained. “How much of my paperwork do you do?”

Lorne frowned. “None sir, I can’t, it’s all supposed to be done by you.”

John nodded. “A lot of people think you do it for me, because I’m incapable of doing it myself. I never bothered to correct them because it worked for me. Remember, I never spent time at the SGC, I went straight to Atlantis. First trip through the gate I stepped into this city, second trip my CO got kidnapped, third trip I killed my CO and woke the wraith. I don’t think anyone else has had quite the same first day at the SGC as I have. But you Evan? They know you, they trust you and everyone likes you. You haven’t had to deal with the shattering of perception like I did after the Genii attacked, and your affable personality worked in my favor. So, I let them believe it, people at the SGC filled supplies faster when they thought it would come from you, but with my signature.”

John stepped into the transporter that would take them to the mess hall and smiled at a poleaxed Lorne when he followed. 

“That’s…” Lorne trailed off and swallowed. “Well sir, that’s devious.”

John shrugged. “I am…I was an Officer in the United States Air Force. I went to the Academy, I led men on Earth, I am good at my job and I always have been. I don’t know why a lot of people at the SGC forget that, I think it has to do with what Sumner thought of me, and my role in his death. They have a mental image of me and I don’t want to break it, or at least I didn’t. It worked me when we were still affiliated with Earth, but I don’t think Rodney is going to let me get away with it anymore”

“You think he knows?”

John snorted as the transporter took them towards the mess hall. “I would be surprised if he didn’t have at least an inkling. Now, you know as well and I hope everyone else will as well soon enough.”

“Why tell me all of this? Why not continue like you have been?”

“We’re building a new society Major, you need all the information if you want that foundation to last.”

* * *

It was almost evening time by the time John managed to stop by and grab something to eat, sliding onto their usual table, Ronon already sitting there.

“Where’s Teyla?” he asked as he began to eat quickly, his stomach feeling like it was tying itself up into knots from hunger. The conversation with Lorne had been difficult but needed, and he knew whatever Lorne and Miko wanted to talk about wouldn’t be any easier.

“She went to see Torren, almost as soon as we landed,” Ronon said, making his way through the pile of meat in front of him. 

“Good,” John said as he bit into whatever he had grabbed, mind focused on the food. 

A clatter to his left a while later had him startling a little bit, and he turned to see Rodney dropping down into the seat next to him and descending on his food with the same voracious hunger John had felt.

“Everyone’s an idiot,” Rodney announced after a few seconds.

John couldn’t find it in himself to disagree. “Long day?” he asked as he picked up his drink and leaned back in his chair, knees widening so he could press his leg against Rodney’s.

“I’m sure you know Colonel,” Rodney said, dropping a hand down to squeeze his thigh before going back to what he was doing.

“Teyla dialed in, the Athosians are doing well, she’s going to stay the night and then come back tomorrow with Kanaan and Torren,” Rodney continued to talk around mouthfuls of food. “We’re going to call Earth then.”

“What happened to today?” he asked, thinking of everyone he had gone and talked too. A lot of people were beginning to chafe at the restrictions and John couldn’t blame them. They had been stuck in their rooms for a week now. 

“Life happened to today, it’s what, 10pm in Colorado right now?” Rodney asked checking his watch. “By the time we get everything ready it’ll be midnight.”

“Not like they keep normal hours there,” he said, hooking an ankle around Rodney’s to keep their legs connected.

“No one keeps normal hours, but we’ve still got a lot of stuff to figure out and I want to sleep. So in the morning, they can deal, I don’t really care that much,” Rodney said.

John made a noise, eyes half closed as he longingly though of sleep. “What time is it here?” he asked, looking down at his watch. 

“It’s 4 in the afternoon officially,” Rodney said. 

John let out a groan as he adjusted his watch to display the right time. “They never tell you about time when you join the SGC,” John muttered. “Gate lag is a bitch.”

“S’why you got the night people and the day people,” Ronon offered.

“What?” Rodney asked.

“People who like night’s stay up at night, people who like the day stay up during the day, so whoever comes through the gate can be met,” Ronon explained. 

Rodney opened his mouth before closing it and he shrugged. “Makes sense really. It’s like the people who are on nightshift here.”

“I like early mornings, hate late nights,” John admitted. Night missions had been the worst. 

“No one is surprised Colonel,” Rodney said. “Not with you two running around like a bats outta hell at the ass crack of dawn.” 

“Hate mornings, too bright,” Ronon said shaking his head. “Would rather be a night person.”

“Really?” John asked. “You’re always up before me.”

Ronon shrugged his shoulder as he finished his food and pushed his tray away. “Got used to them.”

“Hm, I don’t hate mornings I just hate getting out of bed as soon as I wake up,” Rodney offered, finally slowing down on his food. “I like waking up and staying in bed a couple of hours. Especially if I can get some coffee and do some work. Its relaxing.”

“Work is relaxing?” Ronon asked doubtfully. 

“It’s a constant puzzle, when things aren’t about to explode it’s fun.”

John settled back in his chair and smiled softly, trying to imagine a morning when he got back from his run and Rodney was sitting up in bed, coffee in hand and typing away at his laptop. He wondered if Rodney would have gotten a second cup for him, or if he would have drunk it under the guise of ‘you took too long Colonel, should have run faster.’ If the morning was slow he imagined he could shower and crawl right back into bed with Rodney. John had always loved naps, stretching out in the sun and just drowsing. It felt domestic to think about those lazy mornings, a pipe dream if this morning was any indication. 

“Do you nap?” he found himself asking Rodney suddenly interrupting Ronon and Rodney’s discussion on what was considered relaxing work. 

“Not if I can help it,” Rodney said with a grimace. “I never feel like I wake up properly after, and it annoys me. You?”

“Love them,” he admitted. “Just laying down in the sun for twenty minutes? It’s the best.”

“Cat.”

John shrugged. “No shame in a man enjoying a bit of sunshine.”

“No shame but melanoma, early aging, lowered immune system, radiation of all sorts.”

“You’ve worked with nukes!”

“Shielded,” Rodney shot back opening his mouth before wobbling his hand in front of him. “Mostly shielded. If I ever can’t have children I’m blaming the Genii.”

“Not the fact that neither of us have wombs?” John answered deadpan.

“It’s the principal of the matter!” Rodney shot back, mouth fighting a grin. 

“And here I thought you were a scientist and about logic. Principals are for philosophers and education majors.”

Rodney glared at him, grabbing his coffee to drain it quickly. “I am an open minded and varied person Colonel, a man of many talents. As smart as I am sometimes even I need a moment to think through actions and I’ve found logic is very rarely the right answer. Even if it makes sense, apparently that isn’t the right answer.”

“Guess you really don’t shut up,” Ronon interjected as he stood up. “Glad to see you’re still you McKay.”

John watched as Rodney’s whole face went soft, watching as Ronon left. He waited a few seconds before leaning in, not touching Rodney any more but wanting to make sure no one else heard. “I wasn’t lying when I said what I said. We see you McKay, always have and always will.”

Standing up, he clapped Rodney on the shoulder, before stopping himself and kissing him quickly, aware of the eyes on him and not caring that much either. Rodney turned and looked up at him, still speechless and smiling and John just smiled back. 

“I’ve got to meet Lorne about some paperwork,” he said, not sure what it was about but not wanting to worry Rodney regardless. He leaned in closer and lowered his voice. “I got the stuff, your room later?”

Rodney’s soft smile twisted into a smirk. “It’s a date Colonel.”

John squeezed his shoulder once more before radioing Lorne to meet him in his office.

* * *

“So here’s the thing sir,” Lorne started once they were all settled.

John was leaning back in his chair, heels on his desk and legs crossed at the ankle. He didn’t know what to expect and hated the idea of doubting his second in command and one of Rodney’s trusted scientists, and so he didn’t. They weren’t under the auspices of the IOA anymore, they didn’t have to worry about being stabbed in the back. Unless someone got out of their rooms, but it was a small community, and people knew who was supposed to be out and about. They needed to be open and honest and John had started it, and it seemed like Lorne was going to continue. As soon as he managed to get out what he wanted to say. John might be relaxed, but Lorne looked like a fresh out of basic recruit and Miko looked like she was about to cry. He might trust them, but neither of them was making him relax. 

“You’re a great commander,” Lorne tried again.

“Breaking up with me?” John asked, trying to get his XO to settle. 

“Sir,” Lorne said.

“John.”

“What?”

“Christ Lorne, you look like you’re about to go to the chopping block, call me John and drop this sir shit. You are going to tell me something I don’t like, might as well make it between friends then. Especially after this afternoon.”

Lorne looked pained and John could swear Miko’s bottom lip started to wobble. Rodney had told him once that Miko was a crier, being too happy made her want to cry, sadness, irritation, anger. It all made her cry. A perverse part of him wondered if she cried whenever her and Radek did anything, but he pushed it away. He didn’t want to know. 

“The Doc seems to think you should be in charge of Atlantis and we don’t…. agree with him?” Miko finally spoke up, her words strong despite how quiet she was speaking.

“Is that a question or a statement?” John asked.

“Statement Colonel,” Miko replied, jutting her chin out even as her eyes went watery. 

“Sir – John. You’re a fantastic pilot, a good friend, a great military commander, and if you were in charge of Atlantis you would step up to the plate and do it well. You always give it your all, and always ask more of yourself than you do of us, and everyone sees that. I see that, especially after what we talked about,” Lorne said, spine still straight but his voice sounding more confident. 

“But?” John asked, sensing the but. 

“But, you’re not good at … plans?” Lorne said, the same awkward inflection to his words. 

In all honesty, John wasn’t surprised that Rodney seemed to be think he should be in charge. He knew Rodney had never wanted to be in charge, he was happy running his science department and going off world. Hell, John had been happy being the Military CO And going off world. But he also knew they were starting a new chapter and Lorne was right. 

John knew himself better than he let on, knew his shortcomings because they were failures and he hated failing. He had never met a plan he didn’t blow out of the water by going off script. He hated paperwork, hated sitting around in his office waiting and he hated every moment he wasn’t out doing something. He could do it, and he did do it and he did it well. He just didn’t enjoy it. He enjoyed being out in the field, leading by example. 

Lorne and Miko were watching him and John finally shrugged, keeping his face blank. “I know all of this.”

This seemed to make Lorne and Miko stiffen a little bit more. John felt a perverse sort of pleasure at making them uncomfortable. He knew where they were going with this, and he didn’t disagree with them. He was interested to see how they were going to do it, if they were going to follow through. They were watching him the way the people of Genii watched him sometimes, hearts in their throat waiting for him to act and do something to destroy everything. John knew he had a reputation, knew his temper was a tightly held leash that was frayed as often as it was broken. He also knew Lorne and Miko were more than capable of powering through this. 

“You would be a good leader, but the Doc made this plan with you in char—”

“—didn’t tell me, doesn’t count,” John interjected. 

“Did you have a plan Colonel?” Miko asked instead and John tilted his head towards her, conceding the point. 

“But the _Doc_ ,” Lorne started again, clearly a little bit more irritated now which was good. John needed Lorne to start standing up to him a bit more. He was pretty sure he was going to run the military, but he wasn’t going to be like the hard ass CO’s he had had, who thought people shouldn’t have an opinion. John knew he wasn’t infallible, and he needed his XO to shore up the plans he would fuck up otherwise. Lorne needed to step up, not that he wasn’t doing fantastic as it was. But Lorne needed to be what John wasn’t going to be able to be anymore. 

“McKay needs to be in charge, people know when the shit hits the fan the two of you will come charging in and save everyone, no one doubts that you’ll throw your life on the line for every single person here. But the Doc, he got us here, he got us back to Pegasus with no deaths and no destruction? That’s…” Lorne trailed off and shrugged not needing to explain. “People don’t like him, but they respect him, and now its admiration and everyone trusts he’s got more plans to make sure Atlantis survives, hell even thrives.”

Lorne fell silent and leaned back in the chair, a wary look on his face. Sometimes John wondered if it was unfair for him to have grown up hiding his emotions so well, he knew he had a fantastic poker face, but it was times like these he was glad for it. His eyes flicked between Miko and Lorne who both looked at him like he was about to explode. Moving slowly, he dropped his legs down onto the floor and leaned forward, elbows on desk, amused when they both leaned back into their chairs a little bit more.

“I know.”

John did smirk at the baffled looks on their faces. 

“Sir?” Lorne asked, as Miko looked like she was trying not to hyperventilate.

“Do you know why I’m good at my job?” John asked after a few seconds of letting them stew in silence. “Or rather why I think I’m good at this job.”

“You’ve got our backs,” Lorne said immediately, obviously thinking of earlier.

“Yes, and why else?”

Both of them were silent before Lorne shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Because I’m not good with plans. I never have been,” he explained. “That old adage plans never survive contact with the enemy? One the shit hits the fan that’s when I can do what I do best. It doesn’t always work out, I’ve lost as much as I’ve won but when things start to go wrong that’s where I excel.”

John fell silent for a moment before he let out a long sigh. “It’s not my favorite thing about myself, that it needs to be FUBAR in order for me to shine, but it also means in the Pegasus Galaxy where things go wrong more than they go right, I can actually do some good. Trust me Major, Doctor, I know my limits, better than either of you do. I know Rodney needs to be in charge. I don’t know why you’re telling me instead of him. Rodney got us here, and he’ll get us to something to be proud of.”

“You need to convince Dr. McKay,” Miko spoke up, her voice thick and John wondered how in the hell Rodney managed to ever yell at her without feeling bad. “He doesn’t believe us.”

“It’d be better coming from someone other than me,” he pointed out. 

“We tried sir, he had his whole rant about the heart of Atlantis, the soul, and how you were Atlantis’s favorite and everyone followed you. And it wasn’t wrong. You and McKay, you’re the parents. Both loved but for different reasons.”

“I hope I’m Dad.”

Lorne’s face finally cracked a smile at that and he shrugged. “Not the point sir.”

John fell silent and rubbed a hand along his jaw, feeling the prickle of too long without shaving. “I know.”

He leaned back and crossed his arms and shrugged. “I’ll talk to him,” he said. “He will realize it at some point, but I can’t promise sooner than later.”

“At long as you try sir,” Lorne said, moving to get out of his seat but stopped when John held up a hand. 

“Lor—Evan,” John said, voice serious. “Before, when you said I’d throw myself in front of anyone to keep them safe?”

Lorne nodded slowly, a small frown marring his features.

“You weren’t wrong,” John said slowly, wondering how to word this. “I’d do anything to protect every member of this city, and most of Pegasus, and I’d do it proudly and without hesitation.”

“We know—”

John shook his head cutting Lorne off. “The problem is…”

He trailed off, trying to gather the words needed to try and push out what he was going to say. What he had realized a while ago when it came to Rodney. He wasn’t rational when it came to Rodney, he hadn’t been for a while. He knew it, but he needed to accept it now, and he needed Lorne to understand it. 

“If something happens to Rodney, and he’s in danger and his safety is paid with cost of the city, you need to be prepared to deal with me,” he finally settled on bluntly. 

“Sir?” Lorne finally said, sounding unsure of himself. 

The silence between them grew and John let it, letting Lorne think over his words and figure them out in his own way. But he also wanted to make it crystal clear, he needed too. 

“Everyone has something, someone, that they can’t bear to see hurt,” John finally said softly. “And it’s one thing when we’re off world, because the world goes to shit out there and sometimes there is nothing I can do. But, in the city? I can’t guarantee I won’t do something stupid to make sure Rodney is safe.”

“Sir,” Lorne started before he trailed off and sighed before nodding. 

“You’re my XO, and you’re going to have a hell of a lot more responsibilities as soon as we get everything settled down and figured out, and I need to know that your loyalty to the city is stronger than your loyalty to me.”

Lorne looked torn, his back as tense as it had been when he sat down, but John kept his gaze on the Major, not letting it up until he finally nodded. 

“I won’t come to that sir,” Lorne said sounding sure of himself and John shrugged.

“Like you said, I’m not good at planning, but I know my weaknesses, and I can only do my best to account for them.”

Lorne still looked like he wanted to argue, but John’s face clearly booked no argument. 

“You know what it’s like Evan, to have a team and to go out and fight with them at your back,” John said softly, waiting for Lorne to nod his head. “It’s no different for us, Teyla, Ronon, Rodney and I? The difference is both Rodney and I are in positions of power, and I refuse to become one of those CO’s who puts everyone else behind his own happiness and drive. You’re a good person and I trust you, and I trust you to make sure I do the right thing if it ever comes down to it.”

“It won’t.”

The conviction in Lorne’s voice made John smile, a real smile. “I know, but it needed to be said.”

“And McKay sir? Who makes sure he doesn’t go too far?”

“I will, and if something happens to me, you do.”

Lorne paled and John shrugged. “Stun him, throw him in the new cell’s and wait for him to cool down and don’t let him get near a computer.”

Lorne’s complexion paled even more and John knew he was a shit when he took a little bit of pleasure in that. He leaned back after a few seconds and smiled at his XO. 

“You are now the second highest ranking military officer in this state, planet, colony, whatever we decide to call it,” John said, driving the point home. “We’re the military command of the most powerful city in the entire galaxy. You answer to me and Rodney and that’s it, maybe Zelenka depending on what’s happening. Congratulations, as soon as we figure everything out you’re getting promoted.” 

“Sir,” Lorne said, his voice tighter than it had been before.

John might not be good at plans, but he had always been good at sizing up a situation. He had never been the sort of person for idle thoughts. He wasn’t a daydreamer by nature, he lived in the real world. He was as pragmatic as Rodney and more of a realist than people thought he was. Getting Atlantis back, that was the easy part of this whole adventure. Now they needed to build a culture that would last, and people needed to realize what that meant. Lorne, Miko, Zelenka and so many others were now the highest chain of command. There wasn’t any Earth to back to, the buck stopped with them. 

“Our job is the safety and security of this city, both outside and inside these walls,” John continued. He knew he was pressing it harder than needed, and part of that was for Miko who also was beginning to look a little bit gray, but it was also to make Lorne understand where they were. Atlantis had been a base, and now she was a colony. He was quiet for a few moments before he smiled and stood up.

“Anything else you wanted to talk to me about?” John asked, waiting for them to shake their head before walking around his desk, waiting for them to stand before ushering them out of the room. “Good, I think I’ve gotten my point across as well, and I’ve got a date.”

* * *

“What did Lorne and Miko want?”

John hadn’t even finished steeping into his room when Rodney spoke, stopping him just inside the frame. He looked over at Rodney lounging on his bed, tablet held over his face reading something. He looked relaxed, legs stretched out in front of him, shoulders propped up on a pile of pillows and feet bare. 

“You’re not omnipresent, no matter what you think,” he said rolling his eyes. “So how did you know?” 

“The new security sensors track everyone’s movements and keeps all the data, I wanted to see if you were done or not,” Rodney said shamelessly.

John finished stepped inside and kicked off his boots, aiming so they would thump on the bed next to Rodney’s head, smiling when it earned him a glare. Stripping down to his boxers, he crawled onto the bed, straddling Rodney and settling back down on his thighs, wiggling to get comfortable before taking the tablet out of his hands.

“Isn’t that a breach of privacy?” John asked as he flipped the tablet and looked at what Rodney had been reading.

“I’ll only use my powers for good,” Rodney replied, hands coming to rest on Johns hips.

John scanned the tablet, trying to figure out what it was. The thumbs rubbing in circles over his hipbones distracted him for a minute before he realized what it was he was reading. “Oh hey,” he said, settling back and scrolling back up and beginning to read from the start.

“Is this accurate?” he asked after a few seconds of scanning the article. 

Rodney shrugged. “Yeah, it’s in line with what we know. Some applications are wrong, but the math is sound.”

John let out a thoughtful noise and rested the tablet on Rodney’s chest as he continued to scan it. he was aware that Rodney was watching him, but he was distracted by the math, the way it flowed and fit together like nothing he had seen before. It reminded him of flying, the numbers merging together and making sense.

“Have we seen this before? With the hyperdrives?” he asked, sure he had, his mind flashing back to the half thought out hyperspace paper he figured was useless now. 

Rodney shook his head. “Not like this, it’s a version of the math that makes up the hyperdrive. This is the first step, we have the whole procedure. It’s good though, unique and purely human. I wish I had seen this before we left, grabbed the kid to work for me. I’ll mention it to Sam, maybe she could use someone with a brain at the SGC.”

“Purely human?”

Rodney nodded. “We got given the answers before learning the questions so everyone at the SGC works backwards from Asgard, Goa’uld, Wraith, or Ancient technology and that biases us. I have a huge bias towards Wraith technology, more than Ancient which is interesting if you think about it. But this, this comes from some kid who’s never ever seen a meteorite let alone alien tech. It’s all human ingenuity, and that’s why it’s interesting. We think of things differently than any of those species do, so the kid came at it from a different angle.”

Rodney fell silent for a few seconds before he sighed. “One thing I’ll always dislike is not being able to find out how humans of Earth would have developed hyperdrives. It would be so radically different than what we know now. Admittedly it also wouldn’t happen in my time so I’m not too mad about it. But it would still be interesting to see.”

John hummed, thinking it over. It made sense, and looking at the math he could see what Rodney meant. It was all human, memories of master’s math classes crossing his mind, and none of the quirks of the Ancients he hadn’t realized he assumed would be there. 

He finally looked back up at Rodney. “Send this to me?” he asked, turning the tablet off in favor of Rodney and setting it on the table. “And we need to talk about you granting me full access to those sensors.”

“I promise to use my powers for good,” Rodney replied and John shook his head.

“No dice, Military CO needs access,” he said thumbing his chest. “Me, I’m the military CO.”

“You’ll get them when you take over running the city.”

John was shaking his head before Rodney even finished speaking. “No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. You’re the right man for the job. You’re the heart, everyone follows you because you will always do your best to bring them home. This city never would have happened if it wasn’t for you and your gene,” Rodney argued. John had been expecting this, a rehash of what Lorne had told him before and he shook his head again.

“I have a fluke DNA strand that lets me turn lights on, and I save people because it’s the right thing to do. That’s our job, it always was our job. This is a civilian run city, and it needs to stay that way.”

Rodney opened his mouth but John shook his head, cutting him off. “I’m military, I’ve been military since I was 22 years old. I know how to run the military. We cannot have this city under military control, not if you want to be able to get it to become a real instead of idealized. And I’m guessing you do want it to become a full city state on its own?”

Rodney nodded, mouth twisted into a scowl. “People follow you, not me.”

“Maybe.” John shrugged. “But you got us here, you stole Atlantis without any fighting, without any death, and maybe Earth is pissed at us, but no one’s died and I don’t think anyone will. You called me the heart and that’s fine, maybe I am, but the heart just does what the brain tells it to,” he said reaching up to tap fingers against Rodney’s forehead.

Rodney was silent before he scowled. “No, you’re much better with people than me.”

John relaxed a little bit more fully against Rodney and bit back the smile. Rodney was so much more himself than he realized, at some point in the past few years he was sure the real Rodney had finally shown through and the only person who didn’t realize it anymore was the man himself. Rodney has always been filled with fear, but John would be hard pressed to ever call him a coward. 

“Rodney,” he drew the name out, just to get the scowl before shrugging his shoulders. “I’m not taking over, you got us here. I’ve got your back, we all do”

“I never intended to run the city, that was supposed to be Elizabeth,” Rodney protested. “I don’t want this, I don’t have the temperament or patience.”

“So, delegate,” John replied. “Have a council or something, you don’t need to do everything yourself. I don’t.”

“Really?”

“Yep, I make Lorne do it.”

John grinned at Rodney’s scowl, jerking away from the pinch at his sides. “I’m serious, he’s great at paperwork.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.”

John shrugged, glad this earlier thought had been confirmed. Rodney was quiet for a moment before letting out a long sigh.

“This was not in the plan,” Rodney explained, sounding upset. “Elizabeth was supposed to be in charge and when she died, I planned for you to take over.”

John shrugged. “Your first mistake was assuming any plan you made about us would actually work, and the second was assuming we’re too stupid not to realize how it was supposed to go.”

“I’ll have you know, I’m far from stupid,” Rodney said, blue eyes flashing.

“Then stop acting like it,” John snapped back. John watched as Rodney’s jaw tensed, the familiar stubborn look in his eye and he sighed, dropping his head forward to rest his forehead against Rodney’s.

“Deal with it McKay, you’re now the leader of Atlantis. Just, stop and think about it okay?” he said, gentling his tone a little, bringing his hands up to cup Rodney’s jaw, thumbs brushing over sharp cheekbones. He was well aware how stubborn McKay was and he needed to come to his own decision. 

Rodney didn’t reply just turned his head away from John and looked out the window. For a moment he wondered if he should move, and he didn’t know what the right thing to do was. He felt underdressed for an argument, but he wasn’t about to wear clothes to sleep. Not if he could help it. Never mind the fact that he was comfortable and didn’t want to move. He decided to stay where he was, Rodney was more than capable of moving him if he wanted. Dropping his head down to Rodney’s shoulder, he closed his eyes and relaxed, trying to get rid of the tension after a long day. 

“Comfortable?” Rodney asked after a period of time.

John blinked and sat up a little bit, knowing he had drifted off, but not sure how long. “Mmhmm,” he said rubbing his hands over his face and looking towards Rodney.

“Seriously?” Rodney asked, looking confused. “My knees ache for you.”

John shrugged, knowing Rodney was trying to move on from the subject but he wasn’t going to let him slide. “Never bothered me. Knees are the one thing I’ve managed not to fuck up so far,” he said, raising his arms over his head to stretch a little bit. 

“Done thinking?” he asked dropping his arms back down to his lap and opened his eyes fully. 

Rodney’s jaw was set, the familiar look of irritation at rightly being told he was wrong on his face. “I don’t like it.”

John smiled. “Tough shit.”

Rodney sighed and shifted, wriggling so he was laying down a little bit more and John moved with him, shameless in his comfort and not caring. After so long of not being close, when it was just the two of them he was going to do his best to be as close as he could get. 

“I like who I am here,” Rodney said suddenly.

“What does that have to do...?” John started before trailing off at the look in Rodney’s eyes. 

“I spent so long being other people for the CIA, I never learned how to be myself you know?” Rodney started and John nodded. Rodney had spoken about this to them when he had told them everything. The worries that he didn’t know who he was. He stayed quiet, both to let Rodney say whatever was on his mind, and mostly because he didn’t know what he could say.

“I never learned to be me, and when I started with the Stargate program, I learned to be me. But I didn’t like me, I didn’t know how to talk to people without trying to manipulate them and I felt bad about that and it made me angry. Eventually, I was worried that I was that cranky egotistical scientist who could never have friends. I never thought that I was a good person. I know I’m not nice, but I was worried I wasn’t good. But I am. I’m a good person. I learned that here, and it was exciting. I got to be me and I liked being me. I like the challenges and it showed me what I’m capable of.”

Rodney stopped talking and moved to wrap his arms around Johns waist pulling him closer, arms holding tightly, almost desperately. This close, John could see the faint hint of freckles across Rodney’s nose, the fine pale tips of his eyelashes, longer than expected. He could see the darker flecks of blue in otherwise bright eyes and everything made him settled more against him, craving the closeness. It was the calmest, weirdest argument he had ever been in and it was something he’d never change. 

“I’m worried if I take over as leader, I’ll go back to being that person without friends,” Rodney finally admittedly softly. “I know how hard it was for Elizabeth, to have friends and also be a good leader, and people liked her a lot more than me. You saw it with Sam and Woolsey, the way they hold themselves slightly apart. I don’t want to lose the friends I have because I’m all of your bosses.”

John could understand the hesitance, but he didn’t agree. “That’s bullshit,” he said softly, trying to soften the sting of his words.

It didn’t work and he could feel the arms tensing up around him. “Excuse me?”

The snappish cold tone told him he was walking a fine line and he stayed where he was, wrapped up and wrapped around Rodney, naked save for his boxers. 

“You really think Teyla, Ronon or Radek are going to stop being your friends? Carson? Miko?” John asked. 

Rodney was silent and John pressed his advantage. “Do you really think that after how long we spent dancing around each other the past couple months I’d let this go?”

That got a reaction, the arms tightening even more around his waist, fingers digging into his sides hard. 

“You’re going to make decisions and we’re going to agree or call you stupid. It’s up to you if you listen to them, but we won’t let you do something you’ll regret,” John said, thinking back to his conversation with Lorne earlier that day. “I won’t let you put this city in danger, just like you won’t let me.”

He leaned up and kissed Rodney softly, both hands moving to hold his head in place so he could look him in the eye. “Elizabeth held herself apart by choice, you have got to know what she and I were doing,” he waited for Rodney to nod, “She made the choice to keep parts of her locked away, to keep the line there. Carter never let herself get close because her heart was on Earth and despite how much she might have liked being here, she was always going to go back. And Woolsey? He’s made friends, maybe not with us but he has friends. As for you? You’re not alone, you’ve got a team now dumbass, and we don’t leave people behind.”

“Did you love her?” Rodney asked quietly.

John shrugged. “I could have, and a part of me did, but she always made it very clear what we were to each other, and my eyes were starting to drift below your waist line.”

Rodney snorted and dropped his head back against the pillows and started rubbing up and down Johns back, staying quiet. John recognized the thoughtful look in Rodney’s eyes and kept the silence. He had said his peace, it would take a while for Rodney to truly believe what he had said. For all of his brains and his accomplishments, Rodney’s insecurities were there for people who could see them. And John had always seen them, and appreciated them in their own way, the same way he knew Rodney saw him. Rodney had always understood how much he hide behind the black mark mask, to hide what he was capable of. Neither of them were going to be able to hide for much longer, Rodney had played his hand and John had started his turn this morning with Lorne. 

“I still can’t believe you’re comfortable right now,” Rodney said after a few more moment sin which John felt himself almost drifting off. He knew Rodney was changing the subject, and he let it go for now. It was would be an argument to continue another day.

“It helps I’m not on the floor,” he pointed out. “And a lot of my weight is on you, so it looks worse than it is.”

The hand on his back stopped, instead coming around to play with the dog tags that were resting on his chest. John forgot about them most of the time, so used to the weight of them around his neck he forgot he even wore them. 

“These are going to have to go,” Rodney said softly. “Not earth military anymore. It’s going to suck.”

“What? Not being Earth Military?”

“No, these being gone, it’s kinda hot. I blame the military industrial complex for giving me a fetish,” Rodney said, curling his fingers around the tags and using the grip to pull John into a kiss. 

“You say that, but when you get hit in the eye with them during sex its less sexy,” John muttered, kissing him back. 

He felt a grin against his lips and he pulled back to see the amusement in Rodney’s face. 

“What?”

“In the eye?”

John nodded, tapping under his left eye. “I was getting fucked and this guy decided he wanted to kiss me and dropped down, and bam, right in the eye. He didn’t even notice or stop.”

Rodney nodded and John could see him holding back the amusement and he frowned. “It really hurt.”

“Enough to stop?”

“Well no.”

Rodney tugged him in for another kiss. “Poor baby.”

John grimaced. “Baby?”

“Darling? Sweetheart?”

John leveled an unimpressed look at Rodney who smiled at him unrepentant and triumphant. 

“Dick.”

“My name is Rodney not Richard.”

John grimaced and slapped Rodney upside the head who just grinned even wider. “Don’t make me think of Woolsey when I’m almost naked in your lap.”

There was no shame on Rodney’s face as he shrugged. “Well they’re hot, don’t distract me with bad sex stories, especially when you’re sitting in my lap mostly naked.”

“I never said it was bad, I just said it hit me in the eye.”

Rodney let out an odd hum growl. “I know I shouldn’t be jealous, it was a long time ago, but at the same time I’m feeling exceptionally jealous.”

John felt the arms tightening around his waist and he just smirked, resting his elbows on Rodney’s shoulders and settled down a little bit more, leaning in to brush his lips against Rodney’s. 

“You should see ‘em on a girl,” he said voice dropping. “They’ll tuck them into their bras and all you can see is a little bit of silver chain leading down, right between their boobs, it’s fantastic.”

Rodney was silent for a moment. “I can see that,” he said, his voice a little bit lower, a little raspier, than it had been.

John smirked and reached to detangle Rodney’s fingers from the chain before pulling them up and over his head. He leaned in and kissed Rodney, pressing his body in close as he dropped the chain onto the side table with a soft clink. He felt the arms tighten around him and pull him closer and he shuffled on his knees, his own arms wrapping around Rodney’s shoulders to hold him tight. The kiss deepened and John settled into it, settled against Rodney and the arms around his waist. Years of not being touched made him want to crawl into Rodney’s skin, to feel him as close as he could get. 

Curling a hand around the back of Rodney’s neck, he pressed himself forward, feeling Rodney sink into the pillows a little bit more. Tugging up Rodney’s shirt with his other hand, he made an annoyed noise when it got stuck, neither of them wanting to pull back from the kiss. Rodney finally pulled back with one last dirty flick of his tongue that had John gasping. A hand on his chest pushed him to the side and of off Rodney’s lap and he sprawled on his back on the mattress, pushing up onto his elbows so he could watch Rodney undress.

He let out a low whistle as Rodney stripped down to his boxers, stripping his own off and dropping them to the side of the bed. “Looking good McKay,” he said, bending one knee and dropping it to the side. 

The move caught Rodney’s attention and John watched as Rodney looked at him before stilling, hands hooked into his boxers, mid motion. 

“Fuck.”

The word was low and almost a growl, the curse causing John to shiver slightly at how rare he heard it. He wanted to make Rodney say it many more times, in the privacy of this room. John settled back onto his elbows, well aware of the display he was making and enjoying how easy it was to get Rodney riled up. Spreading his other leg, he made room for Rodney who finally got his boxers off and crawled between his thighs before pausing. John was treated to another slow once over, feeling pinned under the bright blue gaze. 

“Christ John, you look,” Rodney said reverently, before leaning down to kiss him again before pulling back. “I didn’t plan on stealing Atlantis so we could be together, I’m not that much of a romantic.”

Rodney fell silent, one hand moving down his chest and over his side to grip his hip and John moved where he was put, wondering where Rodney was going with this. He ended up on his back, his legs over Rodney’s shoulders and the other man kissing down his chest. He dropped his hands into the bedsheets on either side of his head and held on, already squirming with each touch of lips, tongue or teeth on his torso. 

Dropping his head back, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to moan and squirm already as Rodney bypassed his cock and instead kissed the inside of his thigh, followed by a nip of his teeth. He felt the muscle in his leg twitch and he let out the moan he had been trying to hold back. 

“Didn’t steal it for you, but fuck if it isn’t the best bonus,” Rodney said biting his thigh again. 

Feeling like he was on the edge already, John raised his head and opened his eyes, seeing Rodney watching him back. “I’m pretty excited about it as well,” he said more deadpan than he meant to be. “But right now, I’m a bit more excited about something else.”

“Calm down, we have time,” Rodney replied rolling his eyes as he kissed and bit the opposite thigh.

John could see him calculating, watching as his muscle jumped involuntarily and he dropped his head back with a groan. “Less time would be nice, I want to come.”

“We only just started.”

“Fast is a good start.”

Rodney hummed and dropped his head down, kissing Johns stomach right above where his cock was, hard and heavy. He felt his abs twitch and his skin prickle. He felt sixteen again and ready to go. “I won’t last,” he warned, wiggling and trying to get Rodney’s mouth on him. 

“I’ve got you John, don’t worry.”

Forty minutes later, John was sure he was about to die. He wanted to know how he wasn’t supposed to worry when his balls felt heavy and his whole body felt as taut as a bowstring. Rodney’s mouth was everything he imagined, and many things he hadn’t, wide and generous and fuck if it wasn’t good. He knew what he was doing, each slow methodical movement designed to make him lose his mind. He could feel the three fingers that Rodney had slowly and carefully worked into him fucking in and out slowly, stretching him in a way he hadn’t in years. Every nerve ending felt like it was on fire, little gasps and moans drawn out of him without his permission. Moment by moment John was being taken apart, squirming as best as he could to get more but failing. Rodney seemed to anticipate his movements, moving with him and stopping him from taking it where he wanted it to go. 

“Rodney,” he moaned, more of a whine really, pushing back down against the fingers, wanting to get them deeper. Rodney’s hand moved back, moving with him so they stayed where they were. 

He let out another moan, arching his back and trying to grind down, wanting _needing_ them deeper and harder and faster. “Fuck,” he gasped out as the fingers slid a little bit deeper into him. 

At the same time they moved deeper, Rodney’s mouth pulled up and off, kisses being placed over his stomach like they had been the last few times John tried to get things moving along. This was torture, he was sure of it, and the USAF had never trained him how to withstand this.

“I need to come,” he all but begged and Rodney just slid his fingers deeper into John, causing him to arch his back again. 

“You will,” was the simple reply, Rodney’s voice deeper and raspier than it had been before. 

“Now,” he tried to demand, but lost any credibility when it ended on another moan, the fingers twisting inside of him. 

“You will,” Rodney repeated, moving to take Johns cock back into his mouth, sliding all the way down and swallowing. 

Johns felt his abs tense and his upper body lift as he tried to curl around the intense pleasure he was feeling. He moaned louder, jamming the side of his hand into his mouth, trying to stifle them, unused to hearing himself. He felt more than heard the disagreeable noise Rodney made, and let out his own as the fingers were pulled out of him and the hand in his mouth grabbed and pulled to the side, the meaning clear as day. Nosie was expected. 

“Rodney,” he gasped out, rolling his hips down on the empty feeling. “Back, in,” he growled out. 

In response, Rodney just swallowed around him and began to bob his head, moving up and down with liquid slowness, every motion, every movement of his tongue calculated to make John lose his mind. 

“I have too fuck, I have too,” he said, beginning to squirm on the bed, his balls beginning to tighten up and his orgasm begin to build. 

He could only imagine what he looked like, flushed red and squirming, legs held open by wide shoulders, begging for more and unable to do anything but moan. Out of everything, it was the thought of Rodney’s shoulders, holding his legs wide as that mouth worked him over with skill that had him racing to the edge. Rodney was stronger than people gave him credit for, and John was reveling in it. 

“Rodney, fuck, I’m,” John managed to gasp out only for it to change to a moan as the three fingers slid back into him, deep and hard like he had been begging for and he came. He felt his back arch and his toes curl, legs trying to close around the pleasure, stopped by those shoulders. It seemed to go on forever, every nerve ending alight. Even as he came, Rodney’s mouth and fingers didn’t stop, a slow suction that seemed to draw everything out, fingers moving and pressing until John felt the burst of almost painful pleasure that told him Rodney had found his prostate and he arched up, moaning again even louder, shuddering his way through a prolonged orgasm. 

It tapered off, Rodney’s mouth pulling off so kisses could be placed along his stomach as his legs dropped open onto the bed, his chest heaving feeling like he had run a marathon. He tried to say something and it changed into a moan. He felt the kisses begin to move up his chest, twitching under the additional stimulation and it was then he realized the fingers were still deep inside of him, and he clenched down around them with another moan. 

“Rodney,” he muttered, reaching down to grab Rodney’s hair and drag him up so he could kiss him franticly. 

He could taste himself, and he pressed his tongue in deep, chasing that taste with little hitching moans as every time Rodney moved It would jar the fingers in him. It was intense, feeling like sparks danced across his skin. He didn’t know if he wanted to spread his legs wide or close them tight. 

“Too much, it’s too much” he found himself muttering, even as he clenched down on the fingers, rolling his body to drive himself down on them, chasing that intense pleasure pain that was getting mixed-up in his head.

Rodney gasped into his mouth and bit down on his bottom lip. “Just a little longer, fuck you’re beautiful,” Rodney said pulling his fingers out a little way just so he could drive them hard back into John. 

He felt his back arch with the motion, another loud moan pulled out of him and he felt teeth on his collarbone making him shake. He clenched down on the fingers, stuck in an endless cycle of pleasure he couldn’t get out of. He could hear Rodney muttering under his breath but he didn’t have the focus to pay attention, focusing instead on rolling his hips, meeting Rodney stroke for stroke as his heart pounded in his ears. His cock was making a valiant effort but he wasn’t twenty anymore and it felt like all he could do was hold on as Rodney’s fingers continued to move, driving him higher and higher. He felt like his orgasm hadn’t finished, each moment pushing it to a new level and it felt like nothing he had ever felt before. 

“Rodney, can’t, fuck, please,” he said, trying to get the words out, but he couldn’t.

Rodney seemed to know what he was asking however and with one last hard stroke into John he pulled his fingers out gripping his hip instead and kissed him deeply. John felt his muscles contract once more before he collapsed on the bed, chest heaving and trembling. He felt over stimulated and the slick slide of a tongue into his mouth just made him moan and tilt his chin up, too exhausted to do much else but let himself be kissed. Eventually Rodney pulled back and John forced his eyes open to stare at Rodney whose eyes were wide and looking down at him with awe. 

“Here lemme,” he slurred out, trying to reach for Rodney’s cock, suddenly aware the other man hadn’t come. 

He managed to wrap a hand around his cock, feeling how hard he was, before Rodney’s hand covered his own and pulled it away. He made an annoyed noise, watching as Rodney shifted up and knelt between his legs, his hand wrapping around his erection and beginning to stroke hard and fast, looking down at John. 

He felt on display, Rodney’s eyes tracing over his body with a reverent hunger John had never seen before and it made him moan again arching his back. He was shifting restlessly, cradling Rodney’s body between his thighs. He could feel the shuffle of Rodney on his knees, the way the mattress dipped when Rodney dropped a hand to his side. 

“C’mon c’mon c’mon,” he found himself mumbling, wanting to watch Rodney come, wanting to see his face and to hear him.

“Christ John,” Rodney said reverently, his eyelids dropping and his hand speeding up. John reached up with both hands and wrapped them around Rodney’s neck, using whatever strength he had left to haul him into a kiss, feeling Rodney begin to moan a second before he felt come hit his stomach. 

He kissed Rodney through his orgasm, wrapping his legs around him to keep him close, not wanting to be apart. They kissed for long enough Johns lips began to hurt, and he finally pulled away gasping, feeling Rodney collapse on the bed next to him. It was silent save for their breathing for a while before he managed to get enough energy to turn his head to the side. 

“Fuck,” he said succinctly.

“Mmm,” Rodney agreed, turning his head to look at John, a satisfied smirk on his face. John really couldn’t blame him, not after that.

“Fuck,” he repeated, for good measure. 

Rodney looked at him before rolling and pushing himself up on an elbow, one large hand resting on his chest, he looked like he wanted to say something, the parting of his lips a constant start and abort, but nothing came out. John raised his own hand, moving to rest on top of Rodney’s and squeezed. 

“Shower?” he offered once it was obvious Rodney had lost his words, which really just made him feel smug. Although he wasn’t sure how smug he would be once he tried to put weight on his still trembling legs.

“Can I interest you in a t-shirt wipe and sleep instead?” Rodney asked after a few seconds. 

After a moment John nodded. “Might be for the best,” he said, watching as Rodney reached over the edge of the bed and grabbed a shirt to clean them with.

“How come I’m the only one messy,” he complained half-heartedly. 

Rodney rolled his eyes and pointed to his mouth and then waggled his fingers, the digits still slightly shiny with the lube they had used. 

“Not the same.”

Rodney rolled his eyes again and finished cleaning them up before shifting and dragging the two of them around until they were under the covers. By now, John was beginning to get more control over his limbs and was able to help, ending up wrapped around Rodney, a leg and arm thrown over him, both of their heads resting on the same pillow. 

“Was it good for you?” he asked mock seriously, watching as Rodney turned his head to look at him and rolled his eyes for a third time. 

“It was, I know it was good for you Colonel Moans a Lot.”

Rodney’s hand began to trail up and down his back, nails scratching in a way that derailed any other thought, his eyes half lidded and he shuddered, the feeling even more intense. He arched his back to get more of it, his eyes falling all the way shut. 

“Was fucking fantastic,” he murmured, smiling when he felt lips press against his forehead.

“Sleep, lets sleep now,” Rodney said. “We can debrief in the morning.”

“Already debriefed, makes it easier,” he replied, jerking at the pinch in his side. 

He heard Rodney murmur something but he was already drifting off to sleep, warm and content.

* * *

The chirping of the alarm woke the both of them before they realized it, and they rolled out of the bed, knowing time was limited. John let out a muttered curse when he realized he didn’t have any clothes with him and had to settle for pulling on yesterdays. He felt good, rested and relaxed in a way he hadn’t been in months. His whole body felt loose and despite the rank taste in his mouth he thought today was going to be one of the best days. 

He looked over at Rodney who had the advantage of clean clothes and finished pulling his pants up around his hips, grimacing at the unwashed feel of them. He walked over to where Rodney was standing and smiled at him, leaning in for a kiss, frowning when Rodney moved back.

“Trust me Colonel, I didn’t brush my teeth before we fell asleep, you don’t want to kiss me,” Rodney said, smacking his lips together with a look of disgust. 

“Well neither did I,” he said leaning in again.

“And you didn’t have a mouthful of come.”

John grimaced at that and had to concede the point, and put his shirt over his shoulder so he could begin to do up his pants. “Calling Earth in what, three hours?” he asked with a quick check of his watch.

Rodney hummed in agreement, moving to the bathroom where he heard the sound of brushing teeth. Shoving his feet into his boots, he walked to the small bathroom and shouldered his way inside, moving to snag Rodney’s mouthwash to get some of the taste out of his mouth, at least until he could get to his own quarters and have a quick shower. 

“Can you put your shirt on,” Rodney said around a mouthful of toothpaste and brush.

Swishing the mouthwash a couple more times he leaned over the sink and spit it out and shrugged. “I will, when I leave.”

Rodney spit and rinsed and pinched the side of Johns hip again, smug when he jerked to the side. “You’re a distraction Colonel, I have things to do and you parading around like a military wet dream is not helping me.”

Deciding not to reply John just stepped closer and leaned in to kiss Rodney this time, glad when he wasn’t rebuffed. It was short and sweet, a good morning and nothing else, even if the hands that had dropped to his hips were more propriety than they had time for. 

“Do you think it’s weird we went from single to domestic bliss in a week?” he asked when he pulled back from the kiss. 

“We’ve been dancing around this since the pier, you’re my best friend, you have been for a long time and we both want this. I think its weirder to think it was a week ago that I was watching you jerk off on your knees because I couldn’t touch you because of stupid American puritanical ideas, or eight days ago you were still dating Dr. Harper,” Rodney replied, kissing him once more. “After everything we’ve been through, domestic bliss is what we deserve. And I really doubt it’ll last long.”

“That’s pessimistic,” John replied, a tightness in his chest and he pulled his shirt on as Rodney stepped back through the door into the main room. “I like to think we can at least make it two weeks before we argue.” 

Rodney stopped and turned towards him with a frown. “I didn’t mean us,” he said slowly like he was speaking to a stupid scientist, “I meant I really doubt it’ll be long before Pegasus throws something in our face and this domestic bliss will be replaced with quick blow jobs and working out how to kiss around injuries.”

There was a loosening in his chest he hadn’t even realized and he stepped forward, kissing Rodney quickly. “That, that I give like three days, so I suggest we make the most use of this honeymoon period. After we get people back to Earth.” 

“You’re a dork.”

It was said in a quiet rush of air, full of affection and John just shrugged and strapped on his holster and doubled checked he had everything. 

“John.”

Rodney’s voice was soft and quiet and he looked over at the other man, frowning at the uncharacteristically gentle tones. He saw the chain of his dog tags wrapped in Rodney’s fingers and he stepped forward, reaching for them, the thanks catching in his throat at the look on Rodney’s face. He let his hand drop and his head tilted to the side in question. Rodney was looking at him like he did whenever he figured something out, the final piece being put into place. He wasn’t sure what had clicked for Rodney and so he just stood there, waiting silently for Rodney to say something. 

“I love you.”

John blinked and nodded. “I know.”

There was silence as Rodney gave him an incredulous look before he rolled his eyes. “Really Colonel?”

John was confused. “What?”

“You know you’re not actually Han Solo right?” Rodney said stepping forward and moving to place the chain around his neck, tucking the tags under his shirt.

Out of everything they had done so far, that felt the most intimate and it took a second for Johns mind to catch up, rewinding and replying before he let out a soft noise.

“Oh, no, well yes,” he said flushing slightly. “But I know, I know you love me, you’ve said it before.”

Rodney favored him with one of the looks he gave to people who weren’t impressing him and John just stuck his tongue out. He had never been intimidated by that look, not from the start and not now. 

“What I meant,” Rodney said, the dumbass stressed but not spoken, “is that I love you. I’ve said it before, but I’m saying it now when I can also do this.”

This turned out to be an arm around his waist and for him to be pulled into a toe-curling kiss, all tongue and teeth and nothing nice about it. Maybe one day John would build up some sort of defense to this sort of kiss, the one that made him want to just collapse against Rodney and kiss him for hours. He liked kissing, he had always liked kissing, but the way Rodney kissed was an experience unto itself. He pressed in close, moaning softly against Rodney’s mouth, feeling one of the arms around his waist move to thread through his hair and tilt his head so Rodney could fuck his mouth with his tongue.

He was hard almost instantly, his arms tightening around Rodney’s shoulders and he pressed in ever closer, an edge of desperation. He could feel Rodney pushing him and he went willingly until his back hit the wall and he widened his stance, letting Rodney settle against him. The arm around his waist settled on his hip instead, holding him steady as a thick thigh pressed between his legs and up, grinding against his erection. 

In the moments when he had allowed himself to imagine them, this was what it was like. Rodney pushing and prodding him into positions to bring both of them to places even John’s imagination couldn’t take them. He had always had a healthy, active and sometimes experimental sex life. He had tried things and had never made any bones about what he did and didn’t like. But he had never been kissed like this, so thoroughly taken apart that he found himself drowning in them. Everyone Rodney had ever been with was an idiot for letting this go, and John wanted to send thank you cards to each of them. 

Rodney pulled back from the kiss and John gasped, his head pulled back with the grip in his hair Rodney’s lips and tongue beginning to work up and down the side of his neck, teasing little nips of teeth and he arched up, trying to get more. They had only done this a couple times, and each time John felt out of control and over sensitized, unable to do anything but react to each touch Rodney bestowed on him. He felt a bite at the hinge of his jaw as Rodney’s leg pressed up even harder, the arm around his waist tightening to pull them in close, and John got the message loud and clear as he began to roll his hips, grinding down against it.

“Do you know how good you look,” Rodney all but growled in his ear. “you just moan and roll your hips without any shame. You _undulate_ and I hate that word but there’s no other word for it. Last night, yesterday morning, now. Fuck even when you were in my lap last week, or on your knees on the balcony. Your whole body moves with whatever you’re doing, hips, arms, legs. All of you.”

Johns eyes slid shut as Rodney fell silent, the grip in his hair keeping his head steady, as small bites were placed up and down his neck. Rodney’s body was warm and solid caging him in, the thigh pressed just this side of painful. He felt pinned and held in place so thoroughly. He knew he could get away if he wanted, it wouldn’t be hard, but he didn’t want too. He could feel Rodney breathing, another nip on the side of his neck before he started speaking again. 

“When I finally get my dick in you I won’t even need to move, you’ll just squirm around and fuck yourself. I just want to touch you everywhere, strip you naked again and just watch you again and again, you look so good. Every moan, every plea, I want to hear it again and again. Want to see you come around my dick, feel you come in my mouth, want to fuck your mouth again just to hear you moan around my dick.”

John could hear how raspy Rodney’s voice was going and he swallowed, fighting against the hold in his hair, ignoring the slight pain as he gripped Rodney’s face in both of his hands and kissed him, pressing his body in close as he kept on grinding against the thigh. Dirty talking wasn’t something John was good at, but fuck Rodney could paint a picture. John could see it easily, he knew Rodney wasn’t wrong. He had always moved a lot during sex, he had ended up with more than one set of fingerprint bruises on his hips from trying to keep him down. It felt good, he felt good, and It was one of the few times in his life he allowed himself to feel selfish, to want to feel everything he could. 

“Rodney,” he moaned into the kiss, the hand in his hair turning from holding into cradling. “Going to…fuck going to come.”

Rodney bit down on his bottom lip before soothing it with his tongue, the arm still around his waist moving to slide down and grab his ass, squeezing and holding, helping him move faster and faster. Each roll of his hips was countered with a tongue moving in his mouth and he chased the dual sensations, trying to press closer and closer, sucking on Rodney’s tongue each time to try and keep it going.

His orgasm hit him with a rush and he moaned, pressing in close as he shuddered his way through an orgasm, hips slowing even as Rodney’s thigh pressed up even harder, grinding against him, the painful intensity ratcheted up as he panted his way through a kiss Rodney didn’t seem to want to stop. He felt short of breath and energetic, drained and excited. A myriad of emotions and sensations that culminated in a floating feeling as Rodney slowly drew back from the kiss, turning it from something intense to something softer, kisses placed on his lips before trailing over his face and his neck. It stopped finally and John allowed his head to drop back onto the wall, gasping for air. Rodney’s thigh was still pressed up tightly against him and each motion made his hips twitch a little bit more. 

“McKay,” he managed to get out, hips moving away from the onslaught of pressure and Rodney finally relented, his leg dropping down, still pressed between his legs, pinning him to the wall. 

“Christ John,” Rodney said reverently, looking at him. “I will never get tired of watching that.”

“You keep making me come in my pants,” he gasped out.

Rodney smirked. “I like the way you look grinding against me,” he admitted. Rodney leaned forward, his nose brushing along the edge of his jaw and down, before rubbing their cheeks together.

“Still not a girl McKay,” John panted out and Rodney snorted, pressing his thigh back up against his groin, making him twitch and moan.

“I’m well aware of that,” Rodney said, dropping his thigh and taking a step back after he making sure John could stand. It was a close thing, his legs still shaking a little bit but he stayed where he was until they settled. He was looking at John, his eyes wide and hungry, hands clenched down by his sides. Rodney was flushed, his whole face red and it had creeped down his neck. John could see how hard he was and he swallowed. 

John let out a soft groan and took a step forward pulling Rodney forward into a kiss. “We’re going to be so late,” he muttered, turning them around and pushing him against the wall before dropping to his knees and going for Rodney’s pant buttons. “So so late.”

* * *

They weren’t as late as he had expected, but it had been a close thing. John had taken his time, the way Rodney had done the night before and by the time Rodney finally came, his jaw was sore and his knees ached from kneeling on the hard floor. It had been worth it, the blissed look on Rodney’s face making him feel smug. By the time he was done, he had to run to his room, thankful their rooms weren’t that far away from each other. He had showered and changed quickly, before grabbing a muffin and a cup of coffee and meeting Rodney and the others in the conference room. 

Stepping in, he was glad to see he wasn’t the last person, albeit it was close, and was gratified to see Rodney still looking relaxed. Taking his customary seat, he ate quickly, drinking the coffee a little slower as the room finished filling up. His team, Woolsey, Carson, Radek and Lorne were all there and he greeted each of them, trying not to talk with his mouth full and failing miserably. 

Once everyone was in, the doors slid shut and Rodney leaned back in his seat, silent and rocking back and forth. The silence continued, everyone waiting for Rodney to start and Rodney just looking around at them. It took a few more moments of increasingly awkward silence before John clicked to what was happening. Rodney was waiting for someone else to start the meeting. Unless it had to do with science or stress lifesaving Rodney had never opened one. It had always been Elizabeth, Sam and then Woolsey. 

“McKay,” he drawled after a few seconds, making a get on with it motion with his hand. “Let’s go O’Fearless Leader.”

It took Rodney a few seconds before he sat up abruptly. “Oh, right yes um.”

He leaned forward and reached for his tablet, with the same awkward motions John was used too. It was gratifying, to see so much of him the same as he was and he could see the same relief on everyone else’s face. Rodney was still Rodney, regardless of what he thought of himself.

“Right, so we’re contacting Earth in about an hour and then we’ll deal with that,” Rodney started, rambling what they knew as he flicked to whatever he was looking at. “Okay so,” he continued sounding more confident. 

John leaned back in his seat, cup of coffee in his hand and just watched Rodney, not feeling the need to hide how he felt anymore and it was freeing. He could look and watch to his heart’s content and he wasn’t above taking advantage of the situation.

“They’re going to be pissed, I’d be pissed, but I also don’t care in the slightest,” Rodney continued. “I also don’t know what they can do about it, we’re sending back their people, unharmed, and all the IOA invasion force was unharmed as well except for some bumps and scrapes from when people got stunned but all in all I don’t think it’s a bad thing.”

He trailed off then, thinking, the same look that flashed across his face anytime he was in the middle of a complex problem and his brain was ten miles ahead of his mouth. “I’m going to give O’Neill the footage from the gate room, in case anyone wants to try something and calls us liars or say we started it. I’m also going to give Sam any data we have on projects they know about.”

“How come?” John found himself asking. “Why give them the information?”

Rodney looked up at him. “I don’t want to cut ties completely if we can help it, think of it like an olive branch.”

Nodding his head, John stayed quiet. It made sense, a little bit of him relieved. He wasn’t close with Dave, but they had been trying and that was something he hadn’t allowed himself to think about. The choice between Dave and Atlantis wasn’t hard, but it wasn’t easy either.  
“Colonel, Major, I’m going to need you two to get the military ready to escort people. I want it done in groups once they’re allowed to go through, I don’t want a mad rush because it’ll be hell on the other side as well as just really stupid. They’ve all been cooped up for a week and no doubt pissed off, so let’s not make it any worse hmm?”

John nodded. “Yep.”

Rodney shot him a look and John just slouched in his seat a little bit more, lazy smirk in place. He was feeling good, a good night, a good sleep and a good morning had made his whole body feel more relaxed than it had in a long time. Sore jaw and knees aside, he really doubted there was much about this meeting that could make him feel anything but relaxed.

“Chuck has started contacting people off world, getting any news from when we were gone and letting people know we’re back. We’re going to have to send out people to make sure everyone’s still there and no one else wants to throw us in a cell. That also means dealing with the Coalition.” 

“Who is he getting news from?” Lorne asked. John thought it was a good question and tilted his coffee cup towards his XO in thanks.

“His sources,” Rodney said absently, scrolling through his tablet, fingers tapping out quick memos here and there. 

“What sources?” he asked. “Chuck never goes off world.”

“Hmm yeah,” Rodney agreed, not looking up, “but we’ve got some people placed around the galaxy who listen in on news and send it back to Chuck for me.”

Apparently, something could make him less relaxed and he sat up a little bit, fixing Rodney with a look after glancing around the table to make sure he had heard him right. Everyone else was staring at Rodney with varying levels of confusion and he was glad he wasn’t the only one.

“Wanna run that by us again McKay?” he asked, his voice a little harder than before, setting his mug down on the table and resting his elbows on the table.

Rodney looked up, looking around the table at everyone. “What?” 

“Dr. McKay, what do you mean by sending you back news?” Woolsey asked, folding his hands in front of him and doing a lot better at keeping his voice even.

Rodney blinked, his mouth working for a second before he winced. “Uh, right yes that,” he said looking back down at his tablet for a second before looking back up.

“So, there’s some people who we’ve met over the years, who sort of keep an ear out and send back anything we need to know. News, wraith movements, if anyone’s got a price on our heads, that sort of thing” Rodney explained.

“A spy network.”

Lorne’s voice was flat and John was glad it wasn’t him because mostly he was torn between ‘awesome’ and ‘what the fuck’ and didn’t know which way he was heading at the moment. 

“Yes, if you want to call it. They don’t really infiltrate as such and instead just listen,” Rodney said, his hands moving in time with his words. 

John rubbed his temple and let out a slow breath. “McKay, how come I don’t know about this? Military CO and all. Would be helpful information.”

“Oh well um yes that,” Rodney said, filler words to try and find a good way to explain this bullshit. “It sort of started with, the whole, stealing the city thing?”

“Sort of?”

“Well mostly, I wanted to see what the people of Pegasus thought about us because what is the point of moving here if people wanted go away, you know? And then it built from there. We made sure you got any sort of threat and stuff, off world contacts is such a broad term.”

John could tell Rodney was nervous, and part of him reveled in it, even as he felt the last of the relaxation from the morning fade away. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“Carson knew!” Rodney said, throwing out an arm to point at the Doctor who had the good grace to look sheepish. 

“Don’t look at me lad, I thought the Colonel knew,” Carson deferred, carefully not looking at John. 

Rodney looked betrayed for a half second before he turned and faced John, his mouth pulled down into his sloping frown. He was silent for a moment before letting out a breath of his own and shrugged. “No good reason, I’m sorry.”

An apology from Rodney was worth its weight in gold and John knew that, but he also couldn’t help the stab of hurt and anger at yet another secret. This one wasn’t as big, but part of him wondered what other secrets Rodney was hiding and if he would ever actually learn every single one of them. A lot of people thought he was closed off, distant from his team but Rodney had been able to read him like an open book for so long, he was wondering if he had even gotten past chapter one of Rodney’s. 

“And Chuck?” he asked, doing his level best to keep his tone even.

“He was CSIS, I told you that months ago. He’s pretty good with filtering out what we need to know and really there’s no one better with comm relays than him,” Rodney explained. “And he’s always manning the gate so it makes sense that everyone sends him the information. 

“CSIS?” Teyla spoke up. 

“Uh, Canadian Security Intelligence Service,” Rodney replied, pulling in on himself, no doubt in response to the glares he got from around the room. “It’s in his file! Don’t look at me like that!” 

John let out a breath through his nose and reigned in his temper and his hurt. This was not the time or the place to get into it with Rodney, especially not when they had other things in his mind. 

“Do we know any of these spies?” he asked, hating the question but needing to know.

“Um, yes?” Rodney said, hunching and looking a bit smaller in the face of Johns anger.

That served to make him angrier, he hated it when people made Rodney feel like this, that he needed to draw in his shoulders as if to protect him. He had only done it a few times in their friendship and every time he hated it, but he had always felt like it needed to be done. And he was doing it now, and he hated it more now that he knew what those shoulders looked like without the weight across them. But these secrets needed to stop. A part of him knew it had to be second nature for Rodney at this point, but he also found he didn’t care. They needed to stop, this was a new start and they needed to know everything.

“Who McKay,” he said, his voice wearier than it had been before.

He knew Rodney hadn’t missed it, the weariness and sadness and he caught a matching sadness on Rodney’s face before it was hidden behind a blank mask. He hated that blankness, he hated not knowing what Rodney was thinking. It was the anthesis of everything he had learned about the man. 

“Sora, as you know she never went back to the Genii, and she doesn’t like us still. Hates us even, but she thinks we’ve got the best chance of wiping out the Wraith, so she sends us what she hears. She’s a mercenary now? And then Ares, from the kid planet? He moved to a different one, he had some trouble staying where he was after everything and so he’s working as blacksmith on Belkan. Most of the others are people who hear things and want to tell us for whatever reason, a lot of it is just chaff, but sometimes there’s good stuff, that’s what Chuck is for, to weed things out,” Rodney trailed off at the look everyone was giving him and he shrugged.

“Is this really important right now?” he asked, sounding defensive. 

“Yep,” John snapped, putting as little emotion into the single word as he could. 

It felt a gunshot in the room and there was silent, Rodney’s shoulders still that sloped dejected look and John hated it, but he hated finding out all of his information from someone he was supposed to be with. He knew, he knew that Rodney had secrets, and if every single one felt like a blow like this, it was going to be a hard time. The silence continued and then all of a sudden Rodney straightened up, shoulders back and chin forward, obstinance bleeding through every pore, clearly having come to a decision. 

“I made a choice, and I am sorry,” he said speaking to everyone in the room. “Anything that I was told that would concern the safety of the city or one of our allies I made sure got into the right hands. And if anyone in this room doesn’t believe me about that then they need to speak up.”

Rodney looked around the room and no one spoke up, not even John. He knew Rodney wouldn’t do something like that, the hurt everyone was feeling in this room was about secrets kept from them. When no one spoke up Rodney nodded.

“I’ve kept a lot of secrets in my life and I can guarantee I have a lot more,” Rodney continued, tone even and hard. “I made choices and I can’t change them. Now, as it was pointed out to me in great detail last night, I am apparently the de facto leader of Atlantis now, yes?”

Rodney stopped and waited, looking around the table again, waiting for each person to nod. John met Rodney’s eyes and didn’t move for a few seconds, holding his gaze, his own chin raised for a few seconds before he too nodded. John might love Rodney, he might admire what he had done and was continuing to do, but if Rodney thought he would roll over when it came to his job he was about to have a rude awakening. 

“There are going to be things I haven’t told you because I haven’t realized I needed to tell you. I’ve spent most of my adult life working with insular cells and that is how I know to work, but that isn’t how I want to continue to work. I have secrets, I have things I won’t tell you because frankly those secrets are mine to keep for my own reasons. The same way each of you have your own secrets. It’s about trust, I trust you all to tell me what I need to know.”

Rodney’s voice was the same even tone John remembered him using with Sam when she had come to the city. The politeness rankled him and it just made him angrier, and one look at Rodney’s face told him that was the intention. Rodney was riling them up, he wanted them to get mad and yell at him. No doubt out of some misguided attempt to clear the air. He opened his mouth to call bullshit, but Rodney started talking again, voicer louder to cut off any attempt by John. 

“That being said, there is a lot I will tell you, when I remember to tell you. I’m not omnipresent, I don’t know what you want to know until you ask me. I might have everything in my brain but I can’t read yours. And if every time I do tell you something you all look at me like sullen teenagers who just got grounded, then this is going to fail. I’m going to apologize once more, and that’s it. If any of you have problems later on, either deal with it on your own or talk to me in private like fucking adults.”

John wondered again if Rodney didn’t swear on purpose, so when he finally did, it was like a gunshot in a silent room. A crack of anger that no amount of screaming would ever match. 

“I am sorry for secrets I’ve kept in the past, I am sorry for the people I’ve left out of the circles I’ve made,” this last was with a pointed look towards Ronon, Teyla and John, “and I’m sorry if in doing so, I’ve hurt your feelings.”

Rodney stopped then and he slumped back finally, his spine losing the battle with his emotions and he ran hands over his face. He kept his hands covering his face and John felt the first fission of unease run down his back and he shifted, looking around the table seeing the same looks on everyone else’s face. He opened his mouth to say something but Rodney moved instead dropping his hands down to the table, face carefully blank as he looked at his tablet.

“Unless anyone else has anything they need to say we’ve got work to do so we can get those people out of our city,” Rodney said, looking up after a second. When no one else said anything, Rodney made a shooing motion and John was actually amused to see how quickly people left. Teyla and Ronon lingered, both of them going and talking to Rodney who just nodded and mumbled something back. 

Teyla was the first to leave, swinging past and pulling him into the Athosian head greeting. “Just talk to him,” she said softly and he wanted nothing less but he nodded.

Ronon was a step behind her, clapping him on the shoulder with a look that said the same thing Teyla had said. Finally, it was just the two of them and John stood up and walked around, perching on the edge of the table next to Rodney and looked down at him. 

“I’m mad,” he said after a few seconds of silence, hands fiddling with the coffee cup.

“I got that.”

“I think I’m going to be mad about not knowing for a while.”

“I figured that as well.”

Rodney’s tone was quiet, tense and John didn’t know what was going through his mind because he didn’t want to look at Rodney and see what was on his face. 

“I don’t want to be mad.”

Rodney didn’t reply and John forced himself to look at him, seeing the tense shoulders, the lifted jaw and the eyes that were wary and worried. It was a familiar look, one that brought him back to post Doranda and he looked away. The silence grew between them, John not knowing what to else to say and not knowing how to deal with this. Anger at people had always been easy, he would let them yell and then he would apologize or defend himself, then walk away. It was the same every time. It was easier to be the punching bag sometimes, at least it had been when he hadn’t been in command. 

Now, now he had to figure out how to put words to his anger, to the hurt feeling that was nestled behind his ribs and he didn’t know how to make it unhook itself. Love was almost easier to deal with, the acknowledgement and the happiness that came with each rush of his emotions, anger was harder. It meant bad choices and horrible words if he wasn’t careful and this thing between them was strong and fragile in equal measure. They were walking a tightrope learning how to function while working together in the wake of so many secrets, and how to be together when they were in private. 

“I can’t…change my choices John,” Rodney said when the silence got to be too much. 

“I know that,” he said, snapping more than he intended. He let out a long sigh and settled his weight more fully on the table. “You know I started trying to figure out how to approach you at the end, on Earth, to steal the city.”

The admission was quiet, his eyes down on his hands and not looking anywhere near Rodney. He didn’t want to see his face for this. “I was getting so frustrated with everything, I wanted to be back here but all I could think about was who would actually follow me in a stupid endeavor like that, not when so many people were excited to be back on Earth. I knew I needed you to help me take it back, there was no way I could do it alone.”

John trailed off, finding the words and not wanting to say them but he knew he had too. “I needed you to take the city away from Earth, but you didn’t need me, and that’s the worst part. You didn’t need me to help round people up, to help ferry people to the city, to get supplies, you didn’t need me to fly the city, and I might have landed her but I know Lorne could have done it just fine.”

That was the crux of the matter and he had finally said it. John had always had friends, but he had never really had a family, not until he had come to Atlantis, and finding out that perhaps Rodney didn’t need him as much as he needed Rodney hurt in a lot more ways than he had anticipated.

“John, God…” Rodney said his voice breaking on the words as he stood up quickly, reaching for him and John wanted to flinch away but he stayed where he was, letting Rodney grip his forearms. “That isn’t…that’s not…it’s not…”

Rodney trailed off and John let him, shrugging his shoulders again. “It is.”

John finally looked at Rodney and saw a look of horror and despair on his face and he didn’t know what to do with it and he didn’t know what sort of pain was showing on his face that made Rodney draw him into a tight hug. John let his arms hang loosely between them, dropping his head onto Rodney’s shoulder. He had finally found words for the pain in his chest and they were worse than he had been expecting. 

“I don’t care about the secrets,” John muttered into Rodney’s shoulder. “I was Black Ops, I know all about secret pasts you can’t talk about, it’s just. It feels like you left me behind. You told me your reasons and they might have made sense to you, but I was the one that was left behind.”

It was the crux of the matter, John never left anyone behind if he could help it, but people were always leaving him behind. It just hurt a lot more than it had before, now that he had people he cared so damned much about. Rodney pushed in closer with a sound of distress and John moved hands resting on Rodney’s hips, but keeping his face down. He didn’t mind the closeness, but couldn’t handle the intimacy of looking at Rodney right now. Part of him really hoped the conference room door had been closed. They really needed to find a better place to have these sorts of heart to hearts. 

“None of us would _ever_ leave you behind,” Rodney said, his voice as hard as stone. 

He let out a scoff, disbelieving. “Lorne is more than capable of taking my job over,” he said softly, thinking back to the conversation the day before. “Maybe even better.” 

John could feel Rodney’s arms beginning to shake where they held them and he didn’t know if it was anger or sadness and he didn’t want to look up to see. It was easier, to let this out when his face was hidden. To let loose some of the worries he had been holding on for his entire run as the Military Commander. He had his nails dug into Atlantis and he knew no one would take her away by force, not from him, but it didn’t stop him from feeling like he was falling. 

“There is not a single person on this base more qualified to run this city than you,” Rodney said. “I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted you to take over the city, I still think you would be better at it than I would.”

“That’s bullshit,” he spat out anger flaring as he pulled back and glared at Rodney. “Look how much I’ve fucking missed, in my own city. All the extra supplies, the people coming in and out before the IOA, all these secrets and yeah, I thought something was up, but shit Rodney I thought you were looking for another job. Or you were upset about the break up with Jennifer, not any of this. There’s so much going under my nose, so who the hell know what else I’ve missed.”

Rodney’s arms moved from around his back and settled, gripping his biceps and giving him a hard shake. John forgot, even after all this time, how strong Rodney could be when he wanted to, and the shake rattled him and he ground his teeth together glaring.

“Listen up,” Rodney said, his tone booking no nonsense. “I know you, I know you better than any person in two galaxies and I made the choice not to tell you. That meant I knew what I could do to make sure you didn’t notice anything. I know how your mind works, I know what you look for, what would raise your suspicion and I used that to keep you in the dark. I made those choices and I am sorry, but don’t think for once second you didn’t notice because you’re not good, if it had been anyone else but me I guarantee you would have.”

If Rodney thought that confession was supposed to help the hurt building up, he was sorely mistake and he could feel himself tensing up, ready to run, and Rodney’s hands tightened even more around his arms, keeping him in place. “Well fuck me then I guess,” he said his voice bitter and cold. 

“Do you know how hard I fought with each of your marines?” Rodney cut him off, voice low and pissed off. “Anytime one of them would come in, they always expected to see you there, and they would get so pissed off with me when they found out you didn’t know. I had to threaten and argue with most of them to make them agree to my plan to not let you in the loop. And even then, I consider it a miracle they didn’t just tell you. They like you a lot more than they like me. They might respect me, but they sure as hell don’t like me. They are more loyal to you than anything I’ve seen because you would walk through fire for them and they’re not stupid enough to not see what a gift that is.”

John felt his shoulders bunch up, wanting to run and run and run, but Rodney’s wouldn’t let him, just gripped him tighter keeping him in place.

“Don’t you for one second ever think you are someone anyone could leave behind. If you had been taken, kidnapped by the IOA we would have come storming for you, this city would still be on Earth while we searched and I can guarantee we would have started a war.”

“Not Helen of Troy you asshole,” John said, earning a disbelieving snort from Rodney.

“No, you’ve made the fact you’re not a girl quite clear,” Rodney said, his tone wary. “Your men would have thrown me into the ocean if I had ever even hinted at you not being on the city with us. We all knew you would be coming, and it was only that that kept them in line. Do you know how much easier they’ve been to work with since we got back?”

The fingers digging into his biceps were starting to get painful, and he twisted to try and get out of them but Rodney just held on tighter and he glared but stopped trying to twist away.

“That’s them,” he said after a moment, raising a hand to poke Rodney in the chest. “What about you, you’re supposed to be my best friend, it was supposed to be us, Ronon and Teyla against everyone. The Fantastic Four.”

“I am an asshole, I am a grade A dick and I am not a nice person, and I made a choice,” Rodney said voice low and hard. “I’ve told you my choices and my reasons and I can only stand by them, but if you think for once second I’d ever be able to do this without you?”

John scoffed and Rodney growled, actually growled at him.

“Taking the city was easy,” Rodney said, voice low hard and fast. “That was child’s play. I could have done that in my sleep. The IOA is a mix of idiocy and self-aggrandizing bullshit. But being here? Running the city? That’s where I need you the most. I need you to help me here, I need you to be there when my ego and mouth start running because I trust you to keep me in line when I need to be. The times I haven’t listened to you when you pushed are some of the biggest regrets of my life.”

Rodney fell silent, his fingers finally loosing from Johns arms, but John found himself not pulling away. Instead he found himself sitting stiffly, watching Rodney as he seemed to gather his words, his courage and look John dead in the eye. 

“I love Teyla and Ronon, they’re the family I never knew I wanted or that I could have and I would do anything for them,” Rodney said softly, his grip changing from digging to caressing, hands moving up and down Johns arms softly, as if he were soothing a wild animal. Which perhaps he was, John still felt like he had his hackles raised. “I would miss them so much if I never saw them again, like a phantom limb, but if I didn’t have you?”

Rodney let out a chuckle at that, and shook his head. “I’d go crazy,” he said simply. “You’re my best friend, you’re my partner, hopefully still, and you’re going to help me run this city until we’re old and your knees are finally as bad as everyone else’s. I didn’t need you for the easy part, that’s all done. We’re here. Now I need you for the hard part. Getting this place off the ground. Dreams are all well and good but they don’t mesh with reality very well.”

Rodney was still looking at him and John dropped his chin to his chest closing his eyes so he didn’t have to look at Rodney, not sure what he could say, or if he even had the words. Everything felt jumbled and despite Rodney’s assurances he was still mad. There was still that hot curl of rage sitting in his belly, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized the little knot of hurt in his breast bone wasn’t as painful as it had been. He let out a shuddering breath and shifted, moving to drop his forehead back onto Rodney’s shoulder. 

“I’m still so fucking mad,” he said softly. 

“So?”

That got John to raise his head. “So?”

“You’ve been mad at me before, I’ve been mad at you before, but I still trust you and if you still trust me we’ll get over it,” Rodney said simply.

“It’s not that easy.”

“If life were easy everyone would succeed. I guess the question is if you believe what I said.”

John was silent for a moment. The answer came to him quickly and as clear as day, but it seemed too easy. But it made sense. They had always been like this, hard arguments and quick apologies, neither of them wanting to give in but neither of them wanting to lose each other. He swallowed and nodded, trusting his gut like he had done a thousand times before. “I trust you,” he said simply. “I’m not happy and I’m hurt, but I still trust you, just don’t ever fucking do that to me again okay? You can’t leave me behind anymore, not like this.”

The relief on Rodney’s face was profound as he nodded quickly, and John looked away, unable to take the sheer joy in Rodney’s face right now, not when he still felt left behind and hurting. He felt a kiss on the side of his head and he leaned into it a little bit, taking the comfort that was offered. It wasn’t a submission, it was an acceptance of who they were now.

“Are we still good?” Rodney asked, his voice smaller than it had been, obviously talking about something other than their friendship. 

“You called me your partner,” John replied.

“Boyfriend and lover both sound wrong. They weren’t big enough for what I feel,” Rodney admitted sheepishly. John couldn’t disagree. They didn’t encompass everything he felt for Rodney, what they had gone through and what they would go through if Rodney’s prediction came true. 

“Yes, we’re good, we will be, in time,” he said leaning in kiss Rodney three times quickly. “I’m here, and I’m staying.”

Rodney rested his forehead against Johns and closed his eyes and John copied him, breathing in deeply, smelling the body wash Rodney always used, the sharp clean scent that he had never been able to make out. He could smell a hint of coffee on his breath and he shifted opening his eyes to slits so he could kiss Rodney one more time. He was hurting, he was upset, he was mad, and he was in love and he knew which emotion he wanted to win. He just had to make sure it was that one, and hoped that the cost wouldn’t be too much. 

Rodney pulled back and dropped his hands back to his side. “You’ll never be replaceable John Sheppard so if you wouldn’t mind managing to get that through that labyrinthine mop you call hair and actually into your brain, that’d be nice.” 

“If that’s how getting thoughts into your head words, no wonder you’re smarter than everyone else,” he said, reaching out to mess up Rodney’s fine hair. 

Scowling, Rodney slapped his hand away and took a step back. “Dick,” he muttered grabbing his tablet and his coffee. 

John slid off the table with a sigh, a part of him knowing they would manage to make it through all of his, somehow. They were both stubborn bastards when they wanted to be, and John had never met someone he had wanted to sink his teeth into and keep, not the way he wanted to keep Rodney. 

“Come on Picard, we’ve got Earthlings to send back,” he said shoving his hands into his pockets and bumping Rodney’s shoulder with his own. 

Rodney shot him a sour look as he led the way out of the room, clearly choosing not to bother with an answer. John felt something shift in his chest, something settling. He hadn’t lied when he had said he trusted Rodney, he knew Rodney didn’t lie to him, to anyone really. He knew now Rodney might not volunteer information, but if asked outright he didn’t lie. He believed him, believed that he was needed. Atlantis had been home for so long, and he had felt uprooted ever since they had landed on Earth but for the first time since then, he felt like he was truly back home.


	5. Chapter 5

There was anticipation in the air as Chuck dialed Earth, the doorways to the room were crammed with people, each of them wanting to be there for the momentous occasion. Rodney was standing in the control center behind Chuck and John settled against one of the terminals next to Rodney, tac vest on and arms resting on the P90. Teyla and Ronon were on either side of him, Woolsey and the other department heads off to the other side. They were a unit; a cohesive force and John was excited. 

He was still reeling from before, still angry but he locked it down, it was between him and Rodney and no one else. This was neither the time nor the place for them to figure it out. Rodney was in charge, and John was going to back him one way or another. At least until all the extraneous personnel was gone. Lorne and the marines were waiting with their groups, each of them in different locked rooms so they could be funneled easily, and so they couldn’t cause any trouble. Lorne was waiting with Carter, O’Neill and Jackson. They were going to go last. 

“Final chevron encoded.”

Chucks voice rang out the room into the silence as the gate connected, the whoosh breaking the silence for a second. After a second, Rodney stepped forward and activated the comms, making sure they were on speaker so every single person could hear them. 

“SGC, this is Atlantis,” he said his voice clear and strident. 

There was a moment of silence before the comm crackled.

“Dr. McKay, I take it Atlantis is fine?” 

Landry’s voice came through clear and John felt the tension in the room rocket.

“Yes, she’s fine. We’ve got some people of yours I think you want back,” he said, getting to the point. 

The silence continued for a second before Landry let out a sigh. “Of ours?”

“Well they don’t want to stay in the Independent Atlantis City State, so yeah I think they better go back to Earth with you,” Rodney said, the familiar note of exasperation in his voice. Johns lips quirked at the eye roll Rodney gave but made no move to say anything else. 

“Video request incoming,” Chuck said and John didn’t move, not surprised by this in the slightest.

Rodney shifted and indicated that it should go through, standing shoulders back and arms clasped behind his back. He looked relaxed to most, but John could see the way his fingers gripped each other out of view of the camera. Rodney was nervous, and John didn’t blame him. He could feel the tension in his own shoulders ratchet up, even as he settled more fully against the terminal, taking care to look like he didn’t have a care in the world.

The video resolved to show Landry, the remaining members of the IOA and well fuck, a couple world leaders as well. Rodney’s shoulders tightened for a second before he relaxed them again and John hid the proud smile that wanted to cross his face. It would take more than a couple leaders to make rattle Rodney. 

John took a moment to look at everyone, seeing the exhaustion across their faces and he wasn’t surprised by that in the slightest. The SGC was declassified, it would be dumb to try and put everything back in the box and personal opinions on their IOA member choices aside, he didn’t think they were that bad. 

“Independent City State?” someone said, voice incredulous and confused.

Rodney nodded and rocked back onto his heels, settling down a little bit. It was the no nonsense look Rodney had when he wasn’t going to let people slide, and John loved it. “Let’s play a game and you can all pretend you’re not idiots hard of hearing and just listen.”

John could see the men bristling, but Rodney kept talking without giving them a chance to get a word in. 

“Atlantis belongs in Pegasus, it always did and your constant bickering was nothing more than childish idiocy based around the concept of not sharing. The city was never yours to keep so get that out of your mind right now. Members of the IOA chose to try and attack, to take her over and they failed. This city is ours and we took her back, and we are staying. There is nothing you can do about that, but we don’t want to keep people here who don’t want to be here, and so we’re ready to send through all those individuals.”

“The IOA members and their respective military force have been placed in a wraith storage device so they can’t cause any issues for us and I’ll give it to Carter before she leaves, along with information on how to use it. If you wish to reverse engineer it, that’s up to you. I don’t care. Frankly I don’t care what you choose to do going forward. We’re independent, and we’re going to stay that way.”

John could see hackles beginning to rise, faces flushed and a couple of the members stood up and began to talk.

“Now listen here—”

“—you are out of your—”

“—this is not your—”

“We will not let—”

“—are a member of—"

The yells and shouts began to get louder and John watched as Rodney of all things _smiled_ , his hands coming around to stick into his pockets, watching with amusement. The yelling continued for a few seconds, all of the words washing over him until they petered out.

“What, pray tell, do any of you think you’re capable of doing? There was a strike force placed within Atlantis’s walls and they failed. They had the element of surprise and they had the manpower, but they failed. You might have wanted to own Atlantis in some sort of bid for personal power, but we’ve lived here, we know this city and its walls better than anyone and there is nothing any of you can do. Not a single damn thing. You send a ship? We can move to a planet you’ll never find. You try and send something through the gate? Our shield is a lot stronger than yours. So, tell me, what do you plan to do?”

The red in their faces turned white with anger and shock and John couldn’t help the grin that stretched across his face, even though he knew he was in full view of the room. He might have been part of the USAF, but right now he didn’t care. This was satisfying in a way he hadn’t really expected it to be, and from the looks on the faces he could see out of camera view, he wasn’t the only one.

The silence continued and Rodney finally shrugged, slowly. “I don’t want a war, but if you want to fight one you’re more than welcome.”

“McKay, nobody wants a war we have enough to deal with over the damn declassification that you started,” Landry said before anyone else could speak. “The Iris is open, start sending people through.”

Rodney was silent before he nodded and John radioed his marines to start letting the first group in. Lorne and his men knew what they were doing and so he stayed where he was, his hand dropping back down to rest on the P90, letting his inaction speak for itself. He could see Landry staring at him, and there was no love lost between them as he shrugged, letting an insolent smirk cross his face. 

“I didn’t start a damn thing, I spent months telling the IOA that the cloak would fail if it remained on earth and that’s what happened, it failed. You want to blame me fine, but don’t kid yourself about the real reason it the declassification happened. And don’t even try and tell me it’s a bad thing. It should have happened a long time ago and anyone with half a brain knows that to be true. It was too big and too ugly out in space for it to be kept secret.”

John looked down at the gate room as the first group started to go through, and he looked back at the screen, watching as Landry’s attention was caught for a second and a tension he didn’t know he had released once he realized they had gone through fine. He didn’t think they would have kept the Iris closed, but he was glad for the confirmation regardless.

“Listen,” Rodney said his voice softening just a tad, “most of us, we have friends and some family back on Earth and at some point, we’d like to contact them again. But each of us also knew the risks when we decided to stay here. We’re here, and we’re going to make Atlantis something great and now you have the chance to make Earth something great. Energy, food, medicine, over population, so much can be fixed if you get your heads out of your asses and do something productive instead of sitting around pointing fingers like a bunch of school children in a sand pit.”

It was always three steps forward and two steps back with Rodney. John had seen the group settle down initially, before they were riled back up and John wondered if there was some rhyme or reason behind that. If he would rile them up so they would make stupid decisions and then smooth those ruffled feathers to make his point known. He wouldn’t put it past Rodney. 

John looked down as the second group was let out, and he realized with a start Alice and Jennifer were in that group, and he didn’t really feel anything but relief as the two of them stepped through and out of his city. Perhaps he was a dick because of that, but he couldn’t help but feel that chapter on their lives was gone and he was glad for it. 

The silence that followed was pronounced and Rodney looked at the world leaders, not flinching, just standing easily, looking at each of them in turn not a single ounce of worry on his face. He looked calm and confident, and while John might still be hurt and mad with him, he couldn’t help but also feel proud. 

“Paint me the bad guy, I don’t give a shit, just don’t think you stand a chance of taking this city from us,” Rodney snapped finally, breaking the silence. 

“Dr. McKay, how many more people will be coming through,” Landry chose to reply instead and John wasn’t surprised, but he was surprised at the disappointment he felt. 

“We’ve got six more groups behind this one,” Rodney replied stiffly.

“And the rest of SG-1?”

“They’re going last, just so you don’t close the Iris on anyone else,” Rodney replied.

“We wouldn’t do that.”

“After the sheer number of bean counting morons I’ve had to deal with from Earth over the last couple of years, I really wouldn’t put it past you.”

Rodney’s voice was dry and cold and if Landry had been anything other than career military, he was sure he would have flinched. 

“We’re almost out of time, we’re going to shut down the gate and redial and then continue sending your people,” Rodney said before he leaned over to cut the connection not listening to whatever else they could have said. 

The silence was profound and Rodney let out a soft groan, dropping his head between his shoulders. John moved, standing next to him, a hand between his shoulder blades. “Did you expect that to go anyway else?” he asked softly.

“No, but hope is a really annoying sensation, not a fan,” Rodney said standing up. He looked out over the groups of people dotted around the corners and John followed his gaze, seeing sadness, anger and understanding. All of them felt the same way, all of them knew the risks they had taken and not a single one of them would regret that decision. 

Teyla stepped up next to Rodney and pulled him into one of her hugs. “Time might help heal, they know how to contact Atlantis.”

“Once they stop being stupid they’ll call,” was Ronon’s contribution, pulling both Teyla and Rodney into a hug. 

John felt Woolsey come up and stand next to him, his arms clasped behind his back. “Stress always makes for bad decisions, I am sure once things have settled down they will revisit it.”

The gate opened with another whoosh and the noise picking up as another group was taken to the gate and gone. John was sure friends were going back, but the important people were here, their family was here and for him that was all he needed. He sighed and reached up to radio Lorne for a sitrep, letting the others console Rodney. John almost felt happier with the outcome, Dave aside, and he knew he was in the minority of that. He knew Rodney regretted Jeannie, not being able to be there for her and Madison, especially after being estranged for so long. 

“Colonel,” he heard Rodney get his attention and he turned his attention back to him, face questioning. “Can you get Lorne to bring SG-1 here?”

John nodded and called Lorne, making the request. “Five minutes,” he said moving to stand next to Rodney, pressing his shoulder against his tightly. “It’ll be fine,” he murmured under his voice, pitched for only Rodney to hear.

He felt the shrug more than he saw it. “I know, I just wish…”

Rodney trailed off and sighed and John reached down, grabbing his hand and squeezing it quickly. “I get it.”

John felt more pressure against his shoulder and he leaned back, shoring up Rodney while they had a couple moments of peace. A few minutes later Lorne walked up the stairs, Carter, O’Neill and Jackson in tow. They looked none the worse for wear and he was glad. They looked irritated but that was a common look.

“Finally sending us back?” O’Neill asked, a little snippy.

Rodney rolled his eyes. “Yes,” he said taking a step forward and reaching into his pocket and pulling out two crystals. 

“Carter here, it’s all the data on experiments and research we have so far,” he said handing it over to the suddenly shocked Carter. “Well not all of it, anything pertaining specifically to Atlantis security and control isn’t on there but everything else is. Hopefully you can make some of it work for you.”

“Why?” Carter asked sounding shocked, and even O’Neill and Jackson looked confused. 

“A lot of people going home have spent time on research, they deserve that information,” Rodney said shrugging. “Also, with the declassification there’s a lot of papers on there that my scientists have written, you’ve always had a strong moral character, so I trust you won’t change the names before they get published.”

“Glad to see you’re not completely selfless,” Carter said and Rodney smirked. “I will, there’s a lot of good work here and it’ll be needed.”

“The day I stop being selfish is the day I’m a clone,” Rodney said before turning to look at O’Neill.

“Get the UN in charge of the Stargate program, get your head out of your ass and take over the SGC, and would the two of you stop dancing around and get married,” Rodney snapped, indicating O’Neill and Carter.

John snorted as both of them turned bright red, Carter sputtering and O’Neill’s spine straightening like he was in front of a court martial.

“Still an asshole McKay,” Jackson spoke up, even though he was doing his best not to smile as well. 

“You ever going to get your shit together,” Carter snapped finally, eyes finding Johns with intent. He just smiled at her and shrugged.

“John is well aware of how I feel about him and I know how he feels about me, if the two of us got our shit together before you did…” Rodney trailed off, the words not needing to be said.

“You’re such an asshole,” Carter said and John was surprised the words almost came out fond and from the look on Rodney’s face he was surprised as well. 

“Yes,” was all Rodney managed to say before he shrugged, pulling a piece of paper out of another pocket to hand to O’Neill. “This is a way to contact us, if things ever turn in a better direction. We want to be independent, we don’t want to be isolated but we can be if we have to be. The choice is up to Earth at this point, and I hope to hear from you in some time.”

O’Neill took it and nodded. “UN you say?” he asked carefully, looking down at the paper.

“UN, there’s some…people who might be inclined towards you running the SGC,” Rodney said carefully.

O’Neill shot him a look and shook his head. “I take it you broke your NDA?”

“What are you going to do? Arrest me?”

“If I thought I could get away with it I’d march you back to Earth and make you deal with all the politicians.”

Rodney rolled his eyes. “You’re capable, you just don’t want the responsibility. You’re like Sheppard, too worried about being the right person for his men to realize that the way to be the right person is to take control and actually make the changes needed.”

Sheppard felt himself bristle at that, the same way O’Neill was and both of them glared at Rodney who was unfazed by the whole situation. Rodney just smiled at the both of them and looked down to the gate room.

“Your ride is here,” he said, waving them forward and heading down the stairs himself. After a second the rest of the group followed. 

The goodbyes were longer this time, Teyla and Ronon both hugging Carter, Woolsey shaking each of their hands. John had never known Jackson well, but he knew Carter and O’Neill, and had always had a lot of respect for the both of them. 

“Him?” Carter asked, her voice pitched low as they shook hands.

John grinned. “Always.”

Carter didn’t look convinced but shrugged her shoulders, walking over to Rodney to say goodbye as O’Neill took his place.

“You’ve been a pain in my ass since day one,” O’Neill started reaching out to Johns collar. He held himself still, not sure what the other man was doing, but he felt fingers unclick his rank insignia. John frowned, wondering what O’Neill was doing, and surprised to find himself a little bit upset at losing those. He wasn’t American military anymore, but unlike some of his other promotions he felt he had earned those ones. 

“A massive pain in my ass, and hands down one of the best soldiers I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. These people are in good hands,” O’Neill said as he unclipped his own General ranks. “This isn’t official, won’t ever be official, but it’s something you deserve.”

John found himself standing stock still as O’Neill clipped his ranks onto Johns collars and he didn’t know what to do or say, standing where he was like he was frozen in place. He didn’t know what to say about this, hadn’t expected it in a million years. Despite the lack of official documentation, John respected O’Neill and that meant a lot more to him than he really could put into words.

“I’d say you’ve made him speechless but you know,” Rodney said coming up to stand next to John, a proud look on his face. “Laconic is an art form he has perfected.”

O’Neill just glared at McKay. “I’m not going to miss you.”

“Trust me, that feeling is beyond mutual,” Rodney replied, hands cutting the air in front of him. 

“You know you never did tell us how you took the city back,” O’Neill said after a moment.

Rodney smiled. “Didn’t I?”

The two of them looked at each other for a moment before Rodney reached out and offered his hand to O’Neill. “Won’t miss you, but you’re not the worst.”

O’Neill watched him for a second before reaching out to shake the hand even as John felt like his brain began to come back online. “What,” he said after a few seconds, a couple minutes and a conversation too late as he looked down at the pins on his collar. 

“You deserve them Sheppard, I’m sure McKay has some crazy ideas for the military and you need to sort him out,” O’Neill said, easily slipping back into the conversation.

“Actually, not really, not my thing, I mean I have some ideas. A couple, but Lorne has most of them, and really its mostly about the whole rank thing, it’s just confusing to have Colonels and Lieutenant Colonels both be called Colonels.” 

John reached out and gripped Rodney’s wrist to shut him up. “I will sir, thank you sir,” he said his voice sounding more choked up than he wanted it to.

O’Neill just smirked and nodded. “Alright kids,” he said clapping his hands.

Rodney nodded. “It’s time,” he said before waving a hand towards Radek who brought over and handed a device and a piece of paper to O’Neill.

“It’s got the IOA and the instructions on it,” Rodney explained. “Have fun with them.” 

O’Neill nodded, taking one last long look around Atlantis. “I might actually miss this city,” he mused.

“Are you stalling?” Rodney asked. “Go home, shoo, shoo. If you miss us you can do what I said and call us later.”

Jackson rolled his eyes and grabbed the sleeves of his teammates and began to drag them towards the event horizon. They were through a second later and the gate shut down, leaving silence in its wake. John looked at the gate, realizing the city was finally theirs and felt a giddy sensation deep in his bones. 

“General on deck!” Lorne’s voice boomed through the room and the sound of the military coming to attention caused him to turn around. 

It wasn’t the best formation he had ever seen, the lines ragged and outfits mismatched, but he could see the pride in their bodies, the salutes textbook and the excitement on their faces. He could see the other departments arrayed behind the military, in groups and solo, each of them also looking at him with excitement. He was almost able to see what Rodney had told him, how people looked towards him and it terrified him, more than anything else. He wasn’t the maverick anymore, he had a family. He swallowed and returned the salute. 

“At ease,” he said before looking over at Rodney who was beaming at him. “I take it you have a plan now?”

“Many plans General, but first, there’s should be a celebration,” Rodney said clapping his hands together, turning and facing their city and their people. “Alcohol and food on the west pier in an hour, everyone is required to attend. We’ll shut down the gate, cloak the city, and then we can start work tomorrow.”

The announcement was met with cheers.

* * *

John staggered into the command center the next morning, his head pounding and his mouth drier than a desert. His entire body ached, the sort of ache that came from too much alcohol, a lot of partying and not nearly enough sleep. The previous day was flashes of fun, laughter and music well into the night, the lights glowing brighter and brighter as the day waned on and the night grew darker. It had never seemed to end and no one wanted to be the first one to really go. There had been couples that had slipped away for an hour or two, but they always ended up coming back. 

Even Rodney and John had slipped away from everyone, lips and hands meeting in the darkness of a side corridor, quick and hurried, the alcohol making fingers clumsy and smiles wider. Hurt and anger would keep until later, pushed to the side to celebrate. 

He had never had a celebration like that, and if how he was feeling right now was any indication he was fine without having another one. The night had finally drawn to a close, the alcohol gone and people beginning to stagger away. He had no doubt the Infirmary would be hard hit with requests for pain killers, assuming anyone was actually there. 

Smelling coffee, he swallowed against the sudden roll of his stomach as he came to a stop next to where Chuck was propped up, an entire carafe of coffee in his hands. 

“What,” he managed to croak out, feeling like murder might be justified in this case. 

He had been sleeping soundly, his head under his pillow and Rodney’s arm around his waist when the call asking for their presence came over the PA system. John was tempted to shoot the speaker out in their rooms, as soon as they found where they were.

“Just reactivated the star gate an hour ago,” Chuck said, his voice low like even that was too loud. He stopped to take another mouthful of the coffee and John stood up and back, the smell too much for him right now. “Just got a message from the Coalition, wanting to talk to you, they’re calling back soon.”

John just stared at Chuck who had the good graces to look sheepish as he tried to parse the information and wondered how in the hell he was supposed to do anything when his head felt like it was splitting apart. “No,” he finally said shaking his head.

“They were insistent,” Chuck said again, sinking down into his seat a little bit more, holding onto the coffee like a lifeline. 

“Why,” he asked plaintively, wondering why Chuck had turned the gate back on.

“Teyla was due to leave in an hour,” Chuck replied. 

That was enough to stop John from throwing Chuck over the balcony. Teyla had been going back and forth to New Athos to visit Kanaan and Torren since they had gotten back, and she wanted to go back and spend some time with them now that things in the city were a little bit settled. 

John groaned and nodded, hearing footsteps come up behind him, a hand on his back telling him it was Rodney. The smell of coffee from the other man made his stomach roll again and he staggered away, getting away from the smell. He saw the confused look on Rodney’s face and waved a hand towards the cup in his hand.

“Hate the smell when I’m hungover,” he explained, annoyed he couldn’t lean against Rodney, not with that cup of hell in his hands. 

Rodney dropped his face down and inhaled, looking as bleary eyes and hungover as he felt. “The smell sooths me,” he muttered. 

John who had long learned his hangover would only be solved by Gatorade and bread just shook his head. “Coalition is calling soon, for me.”

“Why you?”

He shrugged. “Dunno.”

Moving to one of the free seats he dropped down and pulled his legs up so he could press his face against his knees to hide his face in the darkness that provided. He somehow managed to doze, and he was woken up by the too loud noise of the gate running, each chevron a spike in his head. Even Chuck didn’t seem to want to say anything, instead holding up fingers to count, his other hand still clutching the coffee like a life line. 

Raising his head, he fumbled for his radio that he had shoved in his pocket and hooked it over his ear. Dropping his elbows onto his knees so he could hide his face in his hands he waited for the tell-tale sign of static before speaking.

“Sheppard here,” he said not bothering with the unofficial promotion for the moment.

“Colonel!” a voice too loud and too chipper came over the radio and fought back a groan. His brain felt scrambled and he couldn’t figure out who the voice belongs too, but he also found he didn’t care. “We heard rumors that you were back!”

“Well they’re true, how can I help you,” he asked, trying to keep his voice even and loud, less like he was about to die and more like he was actually capable of doing anything right then. 

He felt a hand on the back of his neck, strong fingers digging in on either side and beginning to squeeze, massaging his head. It hurt and it felt good and he bit back the noise of relief as he pressed into Rodney’s hand. 

“We also heard that you are no longer bound to your home world!”

The hand around his neck tightened and John bit back another noise of both pain and relief as his mind processed that.

“Sounds like you hear a lot of things,” he said carefully, raising his head to frown at Rodney who looked confused as well. He wanted to know how they knew that, they hadn’t announced it. Rodney shrugged looking as confused as he was, and even Chuck had sat up a little bit more at that. 

“We are many worlds, Colonel Sheppard. You know that, and we wish to make a formal treaty with Atlantis.”

John raised an eyebrow at Rodney who let out a long sigh, moving his hand from Johns neck up into his hair to rub at his head. His other hand made a get on with it motion and John closed his eyes with a grateful smile, letting Rodney massage the headache away as he tried to make sense of what he was being told.

“We have one already, remember?” 

“We remember, but that was with your Mr. Woolsey and your IOA.”

“Mr. Woolsey is still a citizen of Atlantis.”

“But he is no longer in command.”

“Nope.”

“Then it is customary to create a new treaty!”

John had a slightly bad feeling about this, but he played along for the moment. “We would honor the old one when you change leaders, wouldn’t you?”

The silence on the other end was telling. He let it linger, not in the mood to talk first, especially not when Rodney’s other hand joined the first, both of them rubbing at his scalp and actually doing something about the pounding in his skull. He kept his eyes closed but leaned forward, his forehead resting on what he assumed was Rodney’s stomach, relaxing even more as those clever deft fingers worked their magic. 

“A new beginning calls for a new treaty don’t you think Colonel?”

John allowed himself to let out a sigh. “You don’t want to talk to me then, I don’t deal with treaties,” he said, glad for that for so many reasons right now. 

“You are in charge of the city are you not?” 

The voice was slightly unsure this time and that eased some of the tension in Johns chest a little bit. However, they were getting their information, they didn’t have everything and it didn’t come from someone in Atlantis. Everyone in the city was well aware John was Military CO and not the leader. 

“Nope.” 

“Ah, Mr. Woolsey then?” the voice said sounding a bit more assured.

“Nope,” he said again, popping the p with relish. 

The silence that followed was profound and John felt his head being pushed back and he went with it, looking up at Rodney who looked both amused and exasperated. John just smiled at him and patted his hand as the fingers moved away from his head, much to his annoyance. 

“I’m just the military commander, you’ll want Dr. McKay is you want to make a new formal alliance.”

The silence continued, and John was glad for it. The Coalition always reminded him of the IOA, and the recent events had him feeling less than charitable towards them, a feeling he couldn’t help but cross over to the Coalition. He let it linger, no doubt the other side of the comm scrambling to figure something out. 

“Want me to get him for you?” he couldn’t help but offer, winking at Rodney who glared at him. 

“We have assumed, you would take command Colonel,” the voice was unsure now, less bold and sounding like they regretted everything. Which was fair, Rodney had never been known for his even temper. 

“You don’t want me in charge, I tend to blow stuff up first and ask questions later,” he said, crossing his arms and leaning back, keeping his eyes on Rodney who had walked back to the other side of the room and picked up his coffee. “I’ve gotten better these days,” he continued with an innocent look towards Rodney. “I think.”

Rodney held up one hand, forefinger and thumb held a millimeter apart. “Better,” he said, his comm not activated yet and his words soft so they wouldn’t be picked up by Johns. 

“Is…Dr. McKay available then?” the voice said after a few moments.  
“  
“He’s in his office I can patch him in,” he said, crossing his arms and kicking his feet up onto the terminal in front of him, wishing the lights were less bright, even if his head did feel marginally better.

“That would be most…helpful.”

John looked over at Rodney who raised an eyebrow and held up one hand as he took a sip of his coffee, clearly savoring it before tapping on his radio.

“This is McKay,” he said, sounding a lot more awake that John felt. 

“Hello Dr. McKay, as we were telling Colonel—”

“—General.”

“—Excuse me?”

“He’s General Sheppard now, not Colonel.”

“Ah. As we were telling _General_ Sheppard, we wish to reenter into a treaty with Atlantis now that you are back and Independent.”

“Kelore right?” Rodney said, and John was finally able to put a face to the name.

“Yes.”

“Right, what’s wrong with the old one?”

“Nothing is wrong with it, we just wish to create a treaty with Atlantis in her new independence, without your home worlds influence on it.”

John watched Rodney as he drank more coffee, his eyes closed. The corner of his mouth was tilted down and if he wasn’t holding the hell drink John would go over and return the favor, sure that his back was sore, if the way he was standing was any indication.

“I’d be glad to make a new alliance; however, we do already have many strong alliances with other planets, I am assuming you will be allowing more people into your Coalition and have a vote? We wouldn’t want to be seen playing favorites after all, and the Coalition is for the good of the Pegasus galaxy.”

John bit his lip to keep from outright laughing. Chuck had no such problems, snickering into his coffee. The silence that followed was clearly panicked, and John was glad to see that the IOA were not the only ones dumbfounded by Rodney. It really shouldn’t be as hot as it was, but a small part of his brain disagreed. 

“That is…correct Doctor,” Kelore said sounding strangled. 

John had no doubt that they had thought they would be push overs, give in to their demands for a change or whatever they had gotten through their head. He had no clue why they thought this would have been a good idea, or who’s idea was it to begin with. He had a sinking suspicion it was the Genii and he wished he could be there when Radim found out Rodney was in charge. 

“That’s good to hear,” Rodney said sounding brighter than he looked. 

“I presume there will be a meeting at some point, to…discuss all of this?”

Rodney made an affirmative noise. “We are still getting settled, but don’t worry, we will message with a time and date for everyone. On a neutral planet. Like I said, we can’t have favorites.”

“That sounds fair to us,” Kelore said sounding like he wished he had never made this call. 

Rodney just let out a pleased noise. “I am glad for that. And don’t worry, if you need help we will still come, after all, we don’t betray our allies.”

That message was loud and clear and John smiled as Rodney bid them goodbye and the gate closed. Silence followed and John dropped his legs to the ground. “They wanted to fuck us over.”

Rodney made a hum of agreement. “Yes, they did. Too bad they’ve been dealing with people who follow different rules than you and I do.”

“Do we?”

Rodney nodded. “Mmhmm, don’t answer to Earth, we make our own rules now.”

John liked the sound of that and he let out a long sigh. “So, what now.”

“Now…,” Rodney said as he swirled his coffee before drinking the rest of it. “Now we wake up a couple people, try and get rid of hangovers and I’m going to delegate.”

* * *

An hour later John was back in the conference room, feeling marginally better. He had managed to shower and grab some of the tea Teyla preferred and water, as well as a bowl of the oatmeal the mess staff had thrown out there, deep into their own hangovers and not willing to deal with anything more complicated. He was the first into the room and he dropped down, asking Atlantis to keep the lights down for the moment as he stirred the porridge listlessly. 

Rodney walked in, the lights in the room brightening for a second before dimming again. “Feeling better”? Rodney asked, collapsing into a seat, holding the coffee in his hands tightly again. 

“I want to sleep,” he muttered, keeping his voice down. 

Nodding his head, Rodney took a seat a few away, a new coffee cup in his hand and took a mouthful. “As soon as we figure this out,” he said, nose buried in the cup breathing it in. “Then we go back to bed and sleep. We deserve it.”

John nodded and forced himself to eat. Between Radek’s rotgut and the Ruus wine, every single one of them had had more than was necessary. But the celebration had been worth it, they were home free and no one had gotten hurt. It was more than John ever could have imagined. The door opened and Woolsey was the first to walk in slowly, each step as if it pained him, uncharacteristically dressed in jeans and a sweater, both hands wrapped around his cup and looking just as bad as the rest of them. 

Instantly John caught Rodney’s eye and they both hid grins, looking down at the table at their cups. John was glad he had woken up earlier, the smell of coffee stronger in the room and even though it made his stomach roll, it wasn’t as bad as it had been before. Ronon was next, a disgusting green drink in his hand he was holding on to for dear life. Teyla was a step behind him, her usually serene expression replaced by the sort of irritation he was used to seeing when Torren hadn’t slept through the night. She carefully sat in her seat, keeping her head steady and John pushed the rest of his tea to her, nodding at the grateful look. 

“Did you get ahold of Kanaan?”

Teyla nodded her head. “He understands I will be a little bit late.”

Lorne was a few seconds later, two cups of coffee in his hand and apparently John looked worse than he felt as his XO took one look at him and steered away from his customary seat next to him. Zelenka and Miko came next, propping each other up with large bottles of water and the same oatmeal John was listlessly making his way through. Beckett came next, Biro behind him and the two of them looked exhausted and he was sure the calls for painkillers had already started. Parrish came in a second later, making a beeline for the seat next to Lorne, hands cradling the cup with the reverence John had seen Rodney possess.

Bates came in last, frowning a bit at the call and John felt the same way. Any issues he had had with Bates their first year was gone after his aide with the replicator issue when he had been back on Earth. He liked the Sergeant, but he didn’t know what Rodney wanted with him, and he shrugged when Bates shot him a questioning look. 

The majority of the group were looking between Rodney and John with varying levels of irritation and he couldn’t blame them, he would be pissed as well, hell he was pissed off. It was too early and they were too hungover to make life decisions, although Rodney seemed to be trying to look less hungover than he was. 

“Coalition called, they want to renegotiation because they’re greedy idiots and somehow heard that we’re now Independent of Earth,” Rodney said not bothering to beat around the bush after everyone had settled. 

Lorne was the first to speak up. “How?”

“Not a clue,” Rodney said, sounding less mad than John thought he should. “They assumed Sheppard was in charge so they don’t know everything, and honestly it doesn’t worry me, not really.”

John raised an eyebrow at that, and could see the similar looks directed Rodney’s way.

“How come? You seemed pissed earlier,” John asked leaning back in his seat.

“Not for that,” Rodney said waving his hand to brush the comment aside. “I’m assuming when Teyla went and visited the Athosians someone overheard and you know how word spreads. I don’t think it was malicious. Word is out and it makes things easier going forward. I am more annoyed that they now want to renegotiate the alliance we had.”

John chanced a glance at Teyla who was frowning, but didn’t seem angry, just resigned. It was a fair assumption and it made sense. Word had always spread in this galaxy, gossip was just as important to trade as food was. The Athosian’s were well known for their weaving and so many people came to trade with them. Atlantis might have gone through a lot of upheavals recently, but the Pegasus galaxy was very good at letting life continue even through great hardships. 

“Are we going too?” Woolsey asked, no doubt thinking about the last time and sounding worried. Which john couldn’t blame him. Rehashing everything had been one of the worst days of his life.

Rodney shrugged. “Don’t know, we have a couple days and frankly I want the Coalition to be larger than it is. I don’t trust those groups and if we had more people in it, it would be less skewered against us.”

“So why are we all here sir?” Bates asked, speaking up for the first time, sounding like he mostly wanted to know why he was there.

Rodney was silent for a moment, looking at each member before setting his cup down with a sigh. “It’s been brought to my attention I’m the de factor leader of Atlantis,” he continued with a look towards John, Lorne and Miko in turn, “but I’m not Elizabeth and I’m not you Richard. I don’t want that job, not really. I liked what I was doing, and I want to continue to do that and the only way I can is if I delegate. So that’s what this is for, I am delegating.”

That announcement was met with silence and John saw not a single look of surprise and he was glad for it. Rodney could and would, but he wasn’t going too and he wasn’t the only one who was grateful for that fact. 

“Any objections?” Rodney asked, even though he seemed to be taking the silence as permission before he even finished asking. Clapping his hands, looking apologetic at the winces that followed the sharp sound, Rodney leaned forward and looked around.

“Right, Teyla,” he said looking directly at her. “You’re going to be the official Ambassador, with help from Woolsey and others as needed. Let’s be realistic, I don’t have the personality to be making deals and alliances. I can be nice for a while, and if you need someone to browbeat I am there for you, but I am not good at the rest of it. You are. I could deal with Earth because it’s one planet and I grew up there. I don’t know Pegasus, not as well as you.”

Teyla looked both stunned and grateful and John felt a surge of pride for his teammate. She deserved a stronger role, and had for a while. She knew the city, she knew the people and she knew the galaxy. “You’ll be great at it, you deal with me and Rodney all the time,” he said. “Everyone else is a piece of cake.”

“Rodney, I find myself unsure of what to say,” Teyla said, reaching out to grip Rodney’s forearm. “This is a great honor.” 

“You deserve it, you have for a while now, the job is yours and considering your first order of business is going to be dealing with the Coalition and their request I think you’ll be regretting any thanks you might have had,” Rodney said brushing away the thanks that was sure to make him uncomfortable. 

“Lorne,” Rodney continued, looking towards the major who straightened up from where he had been half leaning against Parrish. “Sheppard is a General, and it might not be official on Earth but it is on Atlantis because I said so.”

“That’s not how that works McKay,” John said exasperated. 

“It does here, and after today it can go your way but I’m setting some things up so shut up,” Rodney said flapping a hand towards John who dropped back and crossed his arms over his chest.

“He’s a General, and now you’re a Colonel, congratulations,” Rodney continued, glancing towards John as if daring him to say anything. 

“I’m not arguing with that,” he offered looking towards Lorne. “You deserve it, you have for a while now and I know you passed on promotion when we were on Earth to stay on with us.”

Rodney made a harrumph noise and nodded. “Good good, I’m going to let the two of you figure out the way the military works, neither of you are idiots so it works out. However, I’d suggest, with Ronon’s permission, changing the Lt. Colonel to Specialist. The multiple Colonel thing always annoyed me.”

John blinked, looking at Ronon who seemed a bit surprised but nodded, and John tilted his head about to open his mouth and ask, but then stopped at the look on Ronon’s face. It was pride, and an odd longing and he shut it again. Ronon had been military on his own world, and had always had a consultant position within Atlantis but had never been in the chain of command, even though most of the marines deferred to him. With the switch to Specialist from Lt. Colonel, it was effectively putting him third in command, and it was _brilliant_ in a way John wondered if Rodney knew. Although one look at the smug smirk told him Rodney knew exactly what he was doing. 

“Good? Good,” Rodney said, settling into the chair and into his own brilliance. “Anyway, Colonel,” Rodney continued with a look towards Lorne who was looking poleaxed at the moment. “You’re taking over AR-1 and the running of the gate teams.”

Any relaxation John had felt was gone as he leaned forward quickly, hands slapping the table. “McKay,” he all but growled.

“No,” was the sharp reply. John glared at Rodney, daring him to explain and explain now. 

“Look, I’m the leader, you’re the CO, Teyla is the Ambassador and the entirely galaxy is going to know that. We have a lot of friends but there are a lot of people who don’t like us, not to mention the wraith, and we cannot risk it,” Rodney said, voice serious as he met Johns eyes. “Ronon needs to lead his own team and Lorne deserves the responsibility.” 

John was scowling, the anger deep and hard in his chest and what made it worse was he understood, and it made sense and he hated the logic behind it. And that made him even madder. Going out and exploring the galaxy was one part of the job that John loved more than the rest, the chance to step food on a new planet still hadn’t lost its amazement even after hundreds of missions. There were dangers yes, but there had been more missions when it had been the four of them on a random planet, sitting around a camp fire or exploring something new. He loved it, loved every second and would take the bad missions as long as it meant he had the good ones. 

“I don’t like it,” he said, voice flat and hard and Rodney shrugged.

“We’re not going to be stuck on Atlantis, we’re still going to go through the gates and explore, trust me. No one wants me around all the time and I don’t want to be here all the time, but we cannot take first contact missions, not anymore.”

The rest of the room was silent, watching the two of them and John wished this was something he could get mad at Rodney for, but he knew he couldn’t, not when all of it was right. Eventually he broke eye contact and looked to the side. “So, what am I supposed to be doing if not going out?”

“The military is going to change,” Rodney said. “If I get my way, we’re not going to keep ourselves as isolated as we have been. We don’t have enough people to build a civilization and so we’re going to need to allow others to live here, and some of them are going to want to be in the military. Training, rules, regulations, not to mention pilot training, cross training in varying disciplines and everything in between. We don’t answer to Earth anymore, you’re it John. It doesn’t help that we have a lot of different countries represented, each with different rules. I know you’ve been annoyed by that because it makes maintaining discipline harder, so now we need a single set of rules for the military.”

John sunk down into his seat as the weight of what was happening finally hit him. In the back of his mind he hadn’t allowed himself to think it through, to realize what him in charge would mean. Technically he answered to Rodney and that was it. There was no Landry, Carter, Caldwell, Ellis or O’Neill to help him in their own ways. It was too large, too terrifying and he had never felt less prepared for anything it his life. But he was felt humbled, that Rodney trusted him to do this, and from the lack of surprised from anyone else, everyone else thought he could as well., 

“Well fuck,” he said after a moment.

“Hammer drop sir?” Lorne asked, sounding too amused and John shot him a glare but didn’t bother replying. He had done it to Lorne, and he had just had it done to him.

Rodney waited a moment before turning towards Ronon. “If the General and Colonel take my suggestion, you’re third in command in the military if you want it. Of course, if you still prefer a consultant position it’s up to you, I don’t care either way.”

Rodney fell silent and looked at Ronon who seemed to be looking around at everyone else before finally, finally dragging his eyes back to Rodney. “You offering me a job.”

“I’m giving you the same job you’ve had, only this time it’s more official and less under the table,” Rodney said sounding exasperated. “You should have a long time ago, but the SGC was really good about shooting themselves in the foot when it comes to their Alien counterparts.” 

Ronon took a few more seconds before nodding his head. “My own team?”

“Sort of a special team,” Rodney said looking over at Lorne before back at Ronon. “There’s more runners, we know there are. I want you to find them and offer them a home here.”

Ronon actually looked dumbstruck and John could understand. That wasn’t something he had ever thought about, but he had known there was that chance after Ronon had been tagged again. Apparently, it had been on Rodney’s mind and John felt proud of him again.

Rodney continued. “There are also small groups of survivors, like the Satedan’s and Athosian’s, who I want offered a place to stay. Atlantis has been so impersonal for so long, I want this to be a place of safety, for people who have lost everything. Even if they come here to regroup before going back and starting over. You know what that feels like to lose everything, survive and stand back up even stronger than before.”

The room was silent and then Ronon was moving, walking around to Rodney who suddenly looked wary. The wary looked changed to one of exasperation as Ronon pulled Rodney up and into a hug, holding him tight. John could understand the need of what Rodney was suggesting, it was more than anyone at the table had ever expected. Giving people a place to shelter, to regroup and start to heal surrounded by people who wanted to help. It would change Atlantis from a city that destroyed to one that would build up, and considering how much destruction and death they had been responsible for, was a step in the right direction. 

Ronon wasn’t saying much, but Rodney finally wrapped his arms around Ronon and held on as long as the bigger man needed before he let him go. “Thanks McKay,” Ronon said gruff and sounding a little bit choked up. He wasn’t the only one with bright eyes right then. 

“Yeah yeah, sit down I’m not done yet,” Rodney said brushing it away as he settled back in his chair and looked over at Bates who had progressively looked more out of place as they continued. “Bates, you’re going to be Head of Security, outside of military chain of command if you don’t mind.”

Bates looked as confused as John felt. “Sir?”

Rodney leaned forward, clasping his hands together and fixing Bates with a look. “I don’t think we need police, not yet, but we do need internal security that isn’t the military. I think we can all agree that we shouldn’t be using the military as police, right?” Rodney asked looking around the room and everyone, even John, nodded their heads. 

“You have the training, you have the experience and frankly you have never had trouble telling anyone where to stick it, including the General, and that’s good.”

“Do you really feel like I’m the best person for the job?” Bates asked even as John bristled at the memories. 

“Yes,” Rodney said succinctly. 

“I did not do so well the last time I was the Head of Security,” Bates said his gaze cutting towards Teyla and back again. 

“No, you didn’t have the best record here the first time,” he started bluntly. “But, I hacked your file when you asked to come back and saw the good work you did with the IOA. You had a phenomenal solve rate on your cases. We’ve all changed and you’re not different.”

Rodney shrugged. “Contrary to what people think, I like it when people disagree with me, it brings new opinions and ways of thinking into the mix and that is good. Sheppard and I don’t trust easily, but we think a lot alike. If we’re going to start opening up Atlantis to more people, we’re going to need someone to watch over them. It’ll also be good for the military if they get injured, can’t go back to active duty and we can’t find a way to slot them into the science department. Stackhouse is going to be working with you because of that, he can’t go into the field because of his arm.”

Bates still looked unconvinced and John couldn’t blame him. He understood where Rodney was coming from, and he thought Bates was the right choice, especially after working with him back on Earth. 

Sitting back with a sigh, Rodney crossed his arms over his chest. “Look,” he said looking around the table. “We can’t run like we have, we don’t have replacements coming, the 300 or so people we have on this base are it. We’re trying to build a civilization here, one that will last long past when we’re dead. We need new people, and the sad part of life is that there are bad people who are going to hurt people, who do bad things, and we need to be prepared for that.”

“There needs to be consequences,” Woolsey said, speaking up for the first time. “The military will have court martials, but the civilians cannot be fired and sent back, not like they had been before. And they cannot fall under military jurisdiction because rules regarding conduct are different.”

Rodney nodded. “Like you said, we can’t fire and we can’t send them back, not anymore. We need consequences.”

John was watching Bates who was alternating between looking proud that he had been considered and sick at the responsibility. It made sense, it was something he hadn’t considered. Honestly, he had never really thought about what happened to the scientists who messed up, they were different than the military. By the time the military members got to the SGC from their respective countries they had weeded out the worst of them, people who couldn’t follow orders, who didn’t have the ability to roll with the punches and the people who weren’t open minded. Most of those people never made it past the screening process. But the scientists were different, and he really didn’t know what had happened with them, with their classified information and knowledge. Apparently sent back for the SGC to deal with.

“I think it’ll be good,” he said speaking up again, interrupting Rodney and Woolsey discussion.

Both of them stopped and looked at him, as did the rest of the room and he shrugged. “I don’t mind throwing a marine in the brig if they get a bit hot headed, but it’s always weird when it’s a scientist. I think Bates needs to be at an equal level to Lorne, he needs that standing.”

Rodney nodded. “I was thinking along the same lines.”

“What’s he going to be called?”

“Head of Security,” Rodney replied quickly. 

“He’s the Hoss then.”

“What? No.”

John shrugged. “I like it,” he drawled out. “Reminds me of living in Texas.”

“You grew up in on an estate in Virginia, try again,” Rodney rolled his eyes.

“I spent time in Texas!”

“When you were in the Air Force and it was for three weeks for training. Try again General.”

“You hacked my file?” John asked, feeling a little offended.

“Don’t even try and look surprised, I did it before we even came here.”

“Well I still like it. Reminds me of the old wild west, where people would go and try and make a home when the East was too hard for them. Sort of like we did.”

“We have penicillin, we’re already better off than them Sherriff Coltrane.”

“I like Chief,” Bates spoke up, breaking into the argument. “Chief is not an uncommon term for the military to use and isn’t uncommon with the non-military.”

Rodney looked thoughtful for a second before shrugging. “Fine with me, General?”

John was still feeling the annoyance from being called Coltrane and just nodded. “Of all the Sheriffs you went with Coltrane?”

“It was that or Nottingham, figured the car chases might be more your speed.”

“He always lost and I don’t lose Rodney,” John said, sounding more petulant than he really wanted to be.

“Andy Taylor perhaps?” Woolsey contributed. 

“Who?” Rodney asked looking perplexed.

“The Andy Griffith Show,” Woolsey explained. “He was a remarkable man, always doing the right thing and tried to make sure people understood their crimes instead of just arresting them. He was an inspiration for a lot of people.”

John fought the urge to grimace and nodded. “That could work as well.”

Rodney didn’t bother hiding his reaction, his lip curling up for a second before nodding his head at Bates. “Chief, right. Congrats, you already broke up one argument. Good work.”

“Thank you, sir,” Bates said, looking both amused and annoyed with them. Everyone else had zoned out, eyes on their food or drinks.

Rodney clapped his hands, the sound a sharp crack in the room and everyone winced, including Rodney. “Sorry,” he said rubbing his forehead before looking around. “Who else? Oh, right yes okay.”

“Zelenka, lucky for you I’m still going to be in charge of the science department because I refuse to not work on my work,” Rodney said and John could see the relief in his eyes, followed by wariness. 

“So why bring Dr. Parrish and Miko here?” Radek asked.

“Well I’m glad you asked, I might be in charge and you are my second in command, but I also don’t have as much time as I used too, running the city and everything, so you’re going to be my buffer,” Rodney said brightly, the relief in Radek’s eyes disappearing. “Parrish here is going to be in charge of the natural sciences, Miko’s got the formal sciences and you get the applied Sciences. I’ll figure someone out for the Social sciences. The three, well technically four, of you are going to be dealing with all the people under your purview, delegating tasks and dealing with all the paperwork. Then you’ll all meet and figure things out, deal with everything and then Radek will give me the Coles Notes.”

Rodney finished the explanation and rubbed his hands together with a smile, looking at the three scientists individually who did not look nearly as happy as Rodney did. Radek muttered something under his breath and the smile on Rodney’s face told him it wasn’t nice.

“Come on guys, it’ll be fun,” he said sounding a lot cheerier than they did. “It’s not going to be as bad as you think it is. I’m still going to be around, I’m still going to be reading everything, I just won’t be dealing with the face to face with the idiots in the lab so it works out for everyone.”

Radek muttered something else before throwing his hands up in the air. “Oh brilliant, you give us all paperwork and none for self?”

“It’s not that bad, at least you don’t have to worry about budget, because we don’t really have a money system. We’re on a you need it you build it or trade for it system.”

Rodney’s face went serious after a second and he leaned forward. “You guys aren’t dumb, you can do this and still do your work, I managed it, I’m sure you can as well. And you’ll have a lot less people to worry about.”

Not giving them a chance to really finish coming to terms with it, Rodney turned his attention to Beckett and Biro who had, to Johns amusement, both almost dozed off but woke back up

“Alright, you two are in charge of medical, both of you so have fun with that,” Rodney started.

“Rodney, I cannae, I need ta be out in the galaxy hel—,” Carson interjected almost immediately.

“— know, it’s why _both_ of you are in charge. Jennifer went back, I need a CMO and you have the most experience,” Rodney said, cutting Carson off. “I need you to be available while Biro gets her legs under her. And I need both of you available if something happens and we need medical help. We’ve gotten lucky so far, with the nanoviruses and the Kirsan fever, and I need you both around.” 

Carson looked ready to continue to argue but Rodney kept talking before he could start. “You can go off world, you can do your relief missions, hell you can bring them back here. I don’t care, in fact I encourage it. We don’t have Earths medicines anymore, we need alternatives and we need to talk to the natives to learn what they know. So, we can adapt and hopefully improve some of it.” 

“Rodney, I need to be out there, they need my help,” Carson said, sounding almost desperate. “Those people died because of my work.”

“Those people died because Michael was a psychopath, even for a wraith, long before we turned him human. We didn’t increase his intelligence, we didn’t give him the knowledge. He learned all of that and accomplished all of that himself. We fucked up, all of us did, and I know we can’t hold him to human standards blah blah blah, but he made those choices for himself, being alone and rejected doesn’t make someone a psychopath, trust me.”

Rodney’s voice softened at the end, became more serious and John remembered him telling them about how lonely he had been and figured Rodney knew something about being left alone, one way or another. With a brain like Rodney’s John didn’t even want to think about the scenarios Rodney could conjure in his mind, or what he had thought he might be capable of. 

“Rodney,” Carson tried once more and Rodney shook his head.

“I can’t make you stay Carson, but we need you here, we need your help as much as they do, so please, consider it?” Rodney asked, actually pleading and that wasn’t something John hadn’t heard before. And Carson seemed to be aware of it, if the way he slumped back into his chair was any indication. Silence followed, drawn out as Carson chose not to respond, his eyes on the table in front of him. 

Rodney sighed and turned towards Biro. “I trust you’re okay with it.”

Biro shrugged and gave one of her happy perky smiles she was known for. She was an odd duck, even in a city of misfits, but John had always felt comfortable around her. She listened to her patients and he appreciated that. 

“Oh, it’ll be fun, can we start training some of the Athosian’s? Some of them have very steady hands and could be really helpful you know,” she asked brightly. 

“Sure,” Rodney said shrugging his shoulders. “More nurses can’t hurt.”

John was beginning to get worried with the amount that Rodney was just agreeing to, decisions and new roles and many other things. It was beginning to feel less and less like delegation and more like Rodney was just going along with what everyone wanted. He didn’t mind the changes, but everything changing so quickly would be hard to keep track of for everyone else. There would be chaos as it were, adding to the mix just seemed like a bad idea. He frowned, opening his mouth but Woolsey beat him too it.

“Dr. McKay, while I don’t disagree with the changes you are proposing, I hope you are not planning on simply telling everyone and assuming it will go okay?” he asked carefully.

Rodney frowned. “Yeah, why? None of its hard.”

“Perhaps starting with a few changes and then building from there would be best.”

“Or people can deal with it and get used to it now. No one’s stupid, they can handle it.”

Rodney might be vocal in his thoughts that most people were idiots, but his actions often spoke to the contrary and this was one of those times. People were dumb until he didn’t want to deal with something and then they were smart enough to handle it on their own.

John rubbed his forehead and sighed. “Rodney, it’s a lot, it’s giving me a headache trying to think about all of it.”

“That’s because we’re all hungover, it’ll be fine don’t worry,” he said waving a hand. 

“Dr. McKay, far be it from me to disagree with you on the intelligence of this base..city…on Atlantis, but everyone has dealt with a lot in a short few days, and now we are getting settled back into the city and starting everything back up. Adding more onto it will just bring chaos that would hinder any progress you want to make.”

Rodney sat back and frowned, crossing his arms across his chest, a stubborn look on his face. “I think it’ll be fine.”

“I am unsure of my role in this city presently, but from the former Leader to you now, I am telling you it won’t go as smoothly as you hope.”

“Oh right you, I want you to help me,” Rodney said, changing track only the way he could, one subject to the next. 

“What?”

“I know nothing about dealing with everyone, I thought you were a pretty good leader honestly, you can change your mind and you listen and I like that about you. I want you mostly working with Teyla, Bates and Ronon organizing what they’re doing because I don’t want too, but if I have to go and be a leader or something then I’ll need help. I don’t know how to run a city!”

Woolsey looked confused for a second before he rubbed his eyes behind his glasses. “If that is the truth, then trust me and my experience running the city, that rolling out these changes in a carefully laid plan will make things go a lot smoother.”

“I don’t want to hide what we’re going to do.”

“Not hide, we can make a plan and let everyone know so people will be informed and they can prepare.”

“If they know why not just do it at the same time,” Rodney said, sounding honestly confused. It was amazing, how smart and thorough Rodney could be and then get hung up on something like this. 

John let out a long sigh. “McKay, just go with it okay. Most people aren’t you and can’t handle that many changes that quickly.”

Rodney let out a noise and slumped back, glaring around the table. No one else bothered to argue, each of them looking worse for wear, slumping in seats. The meeting had dragged on for longer than John had thought it would and the short night and hangovers were not mixing well. Only Rodney wasn’t fading, the manic excitement he usually associated with ZPM discoveries bright in his eyes. Rodney was excited about the future and John couldn’t blame him, not if he allowed himself to think about it. However, he didn’t have the added benefit of a couple cups of coffee and all he wanted to do was go back to bed until he felt more human. With a groan, he pushed himself up.

“I’m going back to bed,” he said, not bothering to hide what he was doing. He was tired, he body ached and he was too old for hangovers like this. He was gratified when other people got up and left, goodbyes thrown over their shoulders. The room cleared in less than a minute, leaving Rodney glaring at the door.

“We weren’t done!” Rodney protested hotly, turning the glare towards John and he shrugged.

“We’re hungover,” he said, ignoring how whiny he sounded. 

Walking around the table, he grabbed Rodney’s sleeve and tugged him up. It took a few seconds before Rodney got up with a grumble, swiping his coffee cup and allowing himself to be tugged along. 

“We have things to do!” Rodney said. “Some painkillers and water and you’ll be fine, I feel better.”

John waved to Chuck who was still communing with his carafe of coffee, and Banks who had joined him. Ronon had stopped, sitting on a chair next to her and the two of them were talking quietly. 

“Rodney,” he said tugging him towards the transporters. “We have a lot of time, we’re allowed to take breaks now and then. It’ll do us good. We’ve got the first parts of the foundation up.”

Shoving Rodney in the transporter, he was glad when Rodney continued to grumble, but didn’t fight. John wasn’t against just leaving him there if he was that determined to work.

“You’re doing good work,” he said once they were in the hallway that led to Rodney’s room. “You don’t need to change everything now, Woolsey’s right.”

John opened the door and stepped inside, beginning to strip down almost immediately. 

“I need this to work,” Rodney said, quietly seriously behind John and he turned as he stripped off his shirt, seeing the worry on Rodney’s face. “Everyone is counting on me, and I need to make sure it’s not in vain.”

Ego, brilliance and history aside, for all his inability to get along with most people, Rodney hated letting people down who relied on him. He would go above and beyond and it wasn’t a secret in the city at all. Everyone knew he did, and John knew how hard Rodney himself worked for it. Stepping closer he dropped his hands to Rodney’s hips and leaned in to kiss him.

“No one is expecting you to make this a smooth transition. Civilizations are not made in a day, they are built over time. Letting people know what you wanted from them today was a good start, let people get used to that before we start bringing in people, sending people out and everything else,” John suggested. 

Rodney looped his arms around John and leaned against him with a groan. “I just want this to work,” he repeated, dropping his head to John’s shoulder. John stayed silent, knowing Rodney needed run through it in his own mind. 

“I want there to be a council,” Rodney admitted after a few seconds. “That’s what today was about. I don’t want there to be one person in charge, I want everyone to have a say. Everyone in that room, I trust.”

“Bates?” John asked a bit confused.

“Well mostly him, I meant what I said. We need Teyla and Ronon because it’s not Earth or the Milky Way. Bates is needed because he’ll happily tell you where to shove it, and its good. I can’t do that,” Rodney admitted, pulling back to look at John in the eyes. “We need oversight, but we need to work together. The IOA wasn’t a bad idea, it was just badly run, and I want to be better.”

John was silent, taking it all in. It made sense, a council of people, with different skills and from different backgrounds, working together to make Atlantis better. It made sense, it made a lot more sense than some others. He could see problems, but he knew those could be ironed out with the knowledge things would always change with new information. 

“Your mind is terrifying,” he said softly, realizing this was all things Rodney had thought of. “You’ve been thinking about all of this?”

Rodney let out a groan. “You don’t know the half of it. I’m wondering about money; do we pay people? How do we reward people who have done a good job? Vacation? Where? What about marriages? Condoms? Birth control? People will start having kids. Day care? What about schools? How do we deal with parts from our computers we can’t get replaced anymore? I loaded a lot of supplies and spare parts, but there’s still so much that could go wrong. Do we need a nursing school, what about doctors? We need to start bringing in people to be assistants with our scientists. How does that work? Is it an apprenticeship or are we going to do formal schooling? How do we decide what to teach when we’re learning new things every day? What about chefs? Weapons? Clothing? Shoes? Entertainment?”

John clapped a hand over Rodney’s mouth to stop the ramble, his own eyes wide with the enormity of what was happen and what Rodney was thinking about. “I think,” he said doing his best to keep the tremble out of his voice, “that a lot of this would be better served on a lot more sleep, and with a lot more time. Some of those things will come about naturally, some we will need to figure out, and some we don’t need to worry about until it comes up.”

Rodney pulled his head back. “If we don’t have a plan, we might not handle it right.”

“So we fuck up, as long as don’t blow up a solar system or wake another massive enemy, I think we’ll do fine,” John said softly. “Civilizations fuck up, no one expects us to be perfect and you shouldn’t either.”

Rodney opened his mouth but John pressed his palm over his mouth again. “We cut ties with Earth less than 24 hours ago, we can take some time before we figure it out. Canada wasn’t built in a day, no country was.”

“Oh fuck we’re going to need a constitution,” Rodney said, eyes wide. 

John sighed and shook his head. “Not yet we don’t. The Expedition Charter will work fine for now. Let things settle, let us find our footing and we can go from there. For now, let’s go back to bed so I can wake up hopefully feeling human.”

Rodney looked like he wanted to argue but John shook his head. “I’m going to sleep,” he said with a note of finality in his tone.

He kicked off his shoes and finished undressing, clothing folded out of habit, his dog tags placed on the cabinet next to the bed before he crawled back into the mess of bedsheets he had left a couple hours ago. Shoving his head back under the pillow, he closed his eyes thankful for the darkness. There was silence he heard a couple muffled thumps, the bed dipping as Rodney slid in next to him a few seconds later. 

Feeling an arm around his waist dragging him closer, he went limp and let it happen, keeping his head under the pillow, but throwing an arm and a leg over Rodney.

“Why do you sleep like that,” Rodney asked, his voice muffled pulling the covers up over both of them.

“Habit, barracks were loud,” John said. “Can still hear the wake-up calls but the snoring was muffled a bit.”

John felt the pillow move as Rodney got settled, the other man not replying and after a few seconds he settled, closing his eyes and drifting off almost instantly.

* * *

When John woke next, his headache was gone and he was warm. He could feel Rodney half pressing him down into the mattress, a hand gripping his hip almost tightly. He was comfortable and he stayed where he was, slowly allowing himself to wake up a little bit more, still dozing slightly. He hadn’t had the opportunity to wake up naturally in longer than he could remember. He had no clue what time it was, if it was in the evening or the next day. No one had called for them, they hadn’t been woken up to some disaster, John could almost believe he was still asleep. 

Pulling his head out from under the pillow carefully so he wouldn’t wake Rodney, he put his head on the top of the pillow and blinked a couple times, slowly waking up fully. The snoring in his ear told him Rodney was still asleep and he wasn’t in a rush, he didn’t feel the need to go anywhere. He shifted closer carefully, moving so as not to disturb the other man and just looked at him. Rodney looked more relaxed in sleep than John had ever seen him. The lines at the corners of his eyes and mouth had softened but they weren’t gone. Neither of them were getting any younger. John knew he had more than a few grays in his own hair, and even more in the hair on his chest and it would only get worse. 

Remembering the meeting, part of him was still upset at the Gate teams being handed off to Lorne, but he knew it was the right choice. Most mornings he woke up his shoulders sore and muscles tight. For all his knees had surprisingly been spared during his life, the rest of his body hadn’t had the same luck. He had always taken good care of himself, but his job was anything but relaxing and since coming to Pegasus his injures had just piled on. He knew it was time to let someone else take over, but he still hated the thought, hated the idea that someone else would be responsible for so much. 

He also knew that half of his problem was fear at failing what Rodney expected of him. To create and run a brand-new military, it was daunting and he still felt like he wasn’t up to the task. Most days he still felt like he was playing at being the commander, especially now that everyone was calling him General, like it was a badge of honor he didn’t feel like he deserved. They had lost many men over the years, because of decisions he had made and he hated it. He wasn’t going to kid himself that they wouldn’t lose more, for one reason or another. It was dangerous, and Rodney wanted to bring people into Atlantis. It was a nightmare. 

It made sense, in a terrifying way. They were small, they couldn’t create a new society without more people, and giving survivors a chance to get their feet under them was the right decision. It was just a logistical nightmare and he had to talk to Ronon, Teyla, Lorne and Bates about it, to make sure it was done properly so no one would get hurt. They had towers open, maybe more people could move into there, into the bigger apartments. It would open up the smaller ones, near the tower and the military barracks, where they could be watched over initially. And the bigger rooms would mean couples could move in, with kids even. Kitchens so they would move away from a communal mess. They’d need to have events so people didn’t get distanced from each other. 

“Stop thinking,” Rodney murmured in his ear, tightening his grip on Johns hip and dragging him as he rolled onto his back. “You’re giving me wrinkles.”

John went easily, ending up half sprawled over Rodney and looking down at him “You gave me too much to think about.”

The hand on his hip moved, and started stroking up and down his back and John was finding he could get used to mornings like this very quickly if they continued. The hand kept moving up and into his hair, scratching at his scalp for a second before moving back down, Rodney’s hand repeating the sweep over and over again. 

“Welcome to my life,” Rodney said, his eyes still closed and sounding like he was about to fall back asleep. “Every time I thought about something new we would need to deal with, it would umbrella out into a hundred other problems.”

“You know you don’t have to do everything right?”

“I know, but it’s how my mind words. Being a genius with a very active imagination isn’t a good thing.”

John hummed and arched his back into the hand, each sweep waking him up and relaxing him equally. “Move in with me,” he asked after a few moments of silence. 

“Your tiny room or mine?” 

“I was thinking the balcony room,” John said, giving thought to what he had been thinking before. “We’ve already sort of christened it after all.”

The hand stopped, resting between his shoulder blades and John watched as Rodney finally opened his eyes and looked at John, looking at his face, searching for something and John didn’t know what it was, but whatever it was he seemed to have found it and he grinned.

“Alright,” Rodney replied, happiness etched into every line of his body. 

John found the same happiness coursing through his body and he grinned back, pushing up onto his elbows and shifting up so he could lean down and kiss Rodney. “Good, it would have been really awkward if you had said no.”

“People have always accused me of moving fast in relationships, but I think this one takes the cake. Zero to moving in in less than a month,” Rodney mused, his hand starting the slow sweep up and down again. 

“Less than a month officially,” he said screwing up his nose.

“Almost six years unofficially,” Rodney said softly.

“Six?”

“Don’t even pretend you don’t know what you look like, especially in your flight uniform.”

John grinned and shifted to straddle Rodney, pressing his elbows down beside Rodney’s head, almost nose to nose with him. “You only want me for my body.”

Both of Rodney’s hands got into the slow sweep of action, moving up and down a couple times before settling on his hips and holding. “It’s a very good body, congratulations to your DNA.”

John snorted, which turned into a chuckle when Rodney’s faced scrunched up in annoyance. “My DNA thanks you.”

“I wish you were dressed so I could unzip your genes,” Rodney said, grinning widely when John groaned. 

“I’m telling the biologist you made a DNA joke.”

“They’ll just tell me to stop copying them.”

John rolled his eyes and leaned in to kiss Rodney, stopping the rest of the conversation before it started, even as he fought a smile at the dumb jokes. It was slow and lazy, neither of them in a rush and neither of them had anywhere to be, not at that exact moment. It was becoming more and more familiar and he could sink into the kisses easily. One of the hands on his hips swept up his back, nails trailing and gripped the back of his neck, holding him place as Rodney took control of the kiss.

“What do you want?” he asked, pulling back from the kiss to look down at Rodney.

“You,” was the reply as Rodney tried to pull him back in for a kiss with the grip on his neck. 

John stayed where he was, pushing back with a grin. “What do you want me to do. To you.”

“Anything,” was the only reply, the tugging a bit more insistent and John groaned, moving to push himself up on his hands, Rodney’s hands tightening but letting him go, seeing an irritated look cross Rodney’s face. 

“You keep getting me off and it’s amazing, so now I want to do something for you. So, tell me. Blowjob? Hand job? Do you want me to ride you?” John asked, settling back onto Rodney’s hips, feeling Rodney’s cock against his ass. 

“You’re an idiot,” Rodney said sounding amused as his hands dropped down to Johns hips and held tightly.

He felt a bit annoyed and glared at Rodney. “Oh?”

“Mmhmm, you think I was joking in the balcony when I said voyeuristic Chief Science Officer?” Rodney asked as his hands moved, rubbing along Johns thighs. “I like watching, I really like watching. Especially you, Christ I told you what you look like. The way you throw your whole body into everything you do, I just want to spend all day making you come just so I can watch you respond.”

Johns annoyance fled as Rodney spoke, his voice low and husky. He swallowed when Rodney fell silent, meeting the blue gaze. He dropped his hands to rest on top of Rodney’s on his thighs and gripped them, pulling them back around to rest on his ass before leaning down to kiss Rodney.

Rodney got the picture and gripped his ass tightly, taking control of the kiss and John felt his body begin to heat, fingers digging into the pillow on either side of Rodney’s head and he rolled his hips, grinding down against Rodney. The fingers tightened and they were rolling, getting half caught in the blankets and he kicked out carefully, trying to free both of them and continue to kiss Rodney. Eventually they got free and he wrapped his legs around Rodney’s waist, arms around his neck to kept him close. He could feel Rodney reaching for something but he wasn’t paying attention, instead focused on kissing. 

He jolted when he felt slick fingers press against his hole, but he moaned a second later, arching up into it as Rodney slowly worked one into him. He rolled his hips, pushing down against the finger even as his arms tightened, keeping Rodney in the kiss. The angle was bad but he didn’t care, wanting to feel the tongue in his mouth and the fingers in him at the same time. There was a sting of pain as Rodney pushed a second one in, but he didn’t care, his head dropping back with a gasp, digging his fingers into Rodney’s shoulders. 

Rodney started to move the two of them, fucking in and out of him and he moved his hips, meeting each thrust with one of his own. He felt teeth against his neck and jaw and he dropped his head back, arching his back and neck to make more room for Rodney. Almost too soon and not soon enough, a third finger pressed into him and he moaned louder than before, grinding down against them. 

“Please fuck me come on,” he gasped out, pulling Rodney’s head up for another biting kiss. 

“Stomach, get on your stomach,” Rodney replied and he scrambled, trying not to kick Rodney as he rolled over. He ended up on his knees, his chest resting on a pillow and his hands gripping the sheets as Rodney slowly pressed into him. 

He moaned, arching his back as Rodney kept pushing into him, filling him up. It felt good, better than he remembered and maybe absence really did make the heart grow fonder because he had no clue how he had gone for so long without this. It hurt a little bit, the prep too fast for how little he had done this in the past few years, but he didn’t care, the sting keeping him grounded, keeping him from floating away as Rodney bottomed out with a gasp. 

He felt the hands on his hips move, running up his back and then back down and he relaxed more into the bed, knees spreading and getting comfortable. Rodney just kept running his hands up and down his back, sometimes nails, sometimes he Rodney would dig his thumbs in and drag it down either side of his spine, a deep ache following that felt just as good as it hurt. He groaned and pressed his forehead into the bed, trying to fuck back onto Rodney’s cock, but hands gripped his hips to still him.

“C’mon,” he said, trying to move back and get Rodney to move.

“Just, let me,” Rodney asked breathlessly.

He let out a groan and forced himself to not push back, clenching down around Rodney instead as the other man went back to touching. It wasn’t long before John couldn’t help but move, grinding back in small motions, his breath hitching each time. It was more intense than he thought, Rodney’s hands beginning to trace over his sides and down his legs and he didn’t know what the other man was looking for but he needed more.

“Rodney,” he all but begged, hearing the whine in his voice and not caring. “Need you to move.”

Finally, _finally_ he felt hands settle on his hips and Rodney started moving, pulling all the way out and slamming back in, hard and fast. John shuddered and gripped the sheets, throwing his hips back into each thrust, feeling it in the back of his throat, the glide of Rodney’s cock in and out of him. Pressing his head into the bed he arched his back even more, feeling Rodney brush against his prostate and the sharp spike of arousal had him moaning even louder.

The room was silent, save for his moans and Rodney’s grunts, each slap of flesh taking him higher echoing in the room. The feel of the sheets against his knees and pillow, the strain in his back, the way his hands were cramping where he was gripping the sheets for leverage to push back. Everything was pushing him closer and closer to the edge and he wanted to come. He moved a hand, wrapping it around his cock and beginning to stoke.

“No, not yet,” Rodney said, fingers moving and dragging his hand away.

“Rodney,” he growled, tugging at his arm to try and get it back but Rodney held firm, pressing his wrist into the bed and holding it there. He tugged again, but Rodney’s grip was firm, and he just moaned into the pillow. “Fuck you,” he ground out, his words at odds with his motions as he kept meeting Rodney thrust for hard thrust. 

Rodney moved, gripping his other wrist and holding it down as well, it changed the angle, each thrust of Rodney’s cock brushed against his prostate, and his moans became interspersed with begging, wanting to get off. His cock felt harder than it ever had before, a ball of arousal deep in his stomach making him frantic. He wanted to come.

He felt Rodney shift, a chest pressed against his back and his arms released so Rodney could wrap his arms around his middle. A second later Rodney moved them, sitting back onto his heels, pulling John into his lap, his cock pushing deeper. 

“Oh fuck oh fuck,” he said, his head dropping back onto Rodney’s shoulder, shuddering at the sensations. He gripped the arms around his chest, fingers digging into the thick forearms anchoring him in place. 

“You sound so good,” Rodney growled in his ear.

“Would sound better if you let me come,” he managed to get out, turning his head, making eye contact, seeing the intense concentration on Rodney’s face. All that focus directed towards him and he shivered. The arms around his chest moved down, resting on his hips urging him to begin to move. 

John didn’t need to be told twice, thighs burning as he began to ride Rodney, pushing down onto his cock, his eyes still locked with Rodney. He didn’t think he could look away, he didn’t know if he wanted to look away, not when Rodney was looking at him like his favorite things all rolled up into one. 

“Touch me,” he begged, one arm moving to grip Rodney’s head to drag him into a kiss. 

The angle was awkward, John twisting and moving and their rhythm was off, but John wouldn’t trade it for the world. Not when Rodney’s tongue slid into his mouth the same time a hand wrapped around his cock. His back arched and he shuddered, biting down on Rodney’s bottom lip. He was caught, trapped between Rodney’s mouth, cock and hands, each working in tandem to bring him higher and higher. He could feel his orgasm building and he became frantic, slamming himself down to meet Rodney’s thrusts. 

“Close,” he managed to gasp out and Rodney doubled his efforts, grip tight and perfect around his cock. The hand that had been on his hip moved, wrapping around his chest and gripped his shoulder, holding him in tightly, Rodney’s hips fucking up into him down and John was pinned, helpless to do anything but take it, feeling the power in Rodney’s thighs. 

He clenched down hard, Rodney’s grip tightening on his cock in response and it was enough and he was coming, his back arching with a cry, shaking as he came, his vision whiting out, his world narrowed to his orgasm as it rushed through him, his whole body aflame with pleasure more intense than he had ever felt before. He was held in place, Rodney’s hands and hips still holding him in place as he fucked John through the orgasm, not breaking stride, each thrust brushing against his prostate and prolonging it. It was intense, almost painful and he clenched down, moaning.

“Rodney,” he mumbled, his head dropped back on Rodney’s shoulder, not sure if he asking for more or asking him to stop. 

Rodney pulled out suddenly, and John let out a noise of disappointment. He felt hands grab and push him and he was still high off his orgasm and he let himself be moved, ending up on his back. He felt his legs hooked over elbows, strong hands gripping his hips and then Rodney pushed back into him and began to fuck him hard and fast, each thrust pushing the breath out of him. 

“Ohh fuck,” he moaned, his back arching, his body feeling like a live wire. His hands scrambled, gripping Rodney’s forearms tightly, not sure if he wanted to drag him closer or push him away. His legs still felt weak, his mind still scrambled from his orgasm. He felt sensitive, each motion almost too much and not enough at the same time. 

“Fuck fuck fuck,” he began to chant in time with the thrusts, forcing his eyes open from where they had closed in the middle of his orgasm, if only to see Rodney.

“Fuck,” he breathed out once his eyes focused. Rodney was staring at him, flushed and blue eyes filled with hunger as they looked all over John as if he couldn’t decide what he wanted to stare at. His head moved, meeting Johns eyes before moving over his body, down to where he was fucking into him. John could see the muscle in Rodney’s arms and shoulders bunching as he moved, could feel the tight grip on his hips. 

“Rodney,” he begged as the other man continued to move relentlessly, and all John could do was hold on. “Sensitive,” he managed to get out, his eyes beginning to roll as Rodney continued.

“Little bit more,” Rodney growled out and John clenched at the tone, arching his back as that motion caused his whole body to shake. He was too sensitive, the pleasure beginning to turn into hurt, and he didn’t know if he wanted to stop or not. 

Rodney shifted again, Johns legs moved onto those wide shoulders, leaning down so he could kiss John again. John felt the stretch in the back of his legs, his thighs almost pressed against his chest, but he grabbed Rodney’s head and pulled him into the kiss, ignoring the twinge in the back of his thighs in favor of the tongue in his mouth. He was pinned, Rodney’s hips still rolling into his and he knew he was going to be sore tomorrow, and all he could do was moan and hold on. 

“C’mon c’mon c’mon,” he chanted into the kiss, beginning to bite at Rodney’s mouth and jaw, whatever he could reach. 

“Oh fuck,” Rodney moaned and he slammed into John once more, biting down on his bottom lip with a cry. He could feel Rodney’s hips stuttering, feel his muscles clench and relax where he was wrapped around Rodney. He held on tightly, holding Rodney as close as he could, fingers curled into the short hair at the back of his head to keep his mouth close, kissing Rodney as he shuddered. He could feel Rodney’s muscles start to relax and he clenched down, wanting Rodney to feel as good as he felt. 

Rodney collapsed on top of him, face in his neck and John let his legs slide of off Rodney’s shoulders and drop onto the bed. Both of them were panting, his whole body felt alive, every nerve ending over sensitive. He could still feel Rodney in him and he didn’t want to move, didn’t want to even think right then. Slowly, his breathing settled and he moved a hand, curling it around the back of Rodney’s neck and squeezing.

“Holy fuck,” he finally managed to get out after a couple of minutes. 

He heard Rodney make an affirmative noise before the other man moved with a groan. John felt him pull out and collapsed on his back next to him, their heads on the same pillow and legs tangled up.

“Uh huh,” Rodney said after a few more minutes of breathing deeply. 

It was awhile later when Rodney moved, rolling onto his side and pushing up onto an elbow, his other hand resting on Johns chest. Covering Rodney’s hand with his own he squeezed and locked their fingers together.

“Holy shit,” he said again, for good measure, and honestly the smug look that crossed Rodney’s face was well deserved. 

“You look good,” Rodney replied, leaning down to kiss him softly. 

“I feel good,” he muttered in reply, even though his muscles were still twitching and his whole body felt like one giant nerve ending. “Really fucking good.”

“Wish I was twenty so I could fuck you again, while you’re still like this,” Rodney said when he pulled back from the kiss and John felt his muscles clench at the thought. 

“Jesus Christ,” he muttered, reaching with his free hand to pat Rodney’s side. “Keep dreaming, I couldn’t tell if I wanted you to keep going or to throw you across the room at the end there.”

“Sort of the point. Kind of a thing of mine.”

“To drive me crazy?”

“Exactly.” Rodney shrugged and kissed him again. 

“We’ll see about that McKay.”

Rodney just hummed and John shot him a glare. 

He could feel how much of a mess he was and he knew he needed to wash before anything else happened. “Jesus, I came everywhere,” he muttered looking down at his chest, forcing himself to sit up. “I need a shower,” he said swinging his legs over the bed and standing up once he was sure his legs could handle it.

He heard Rodney make a noise once he was standing and he looked over his shoulder to see Rodney looking at his ass and he smirked, walking towards the shower. He heard the bed rustle and had no doubt Rodney was moving to track him. “Next time you’re using a condom McKay,” he called over his shoulder as he stepped into the small bathroom and thought the shower on.

“What? Why?”

“Because clean-up is easier,” he called back stepping under the spray, letting the hot water wash over his neck. 

There was no reply, but he felt a pair of arms wrap around him a second later, a face pressed between his shoulders. “It’s easier with two,” Rodney said into his skin.

John grinned and closed his eyes, leaning back against Rodney, he felt good, his whole body relaxed and comfortable. For the first time in longer than he could remember he only felt happy. No worry, no stress, even the problems outside of the room seemed distant at the moment. He felt like he could focus on what was in this room and only in this room and it was amazing. 

“Good thing you’re here then.”


	6. Chapter 6

_Two years later_

John swung past the weekly market on his way to the control center, making sure to pick up some of the small candies that didn’t upset Banks’s stomach too much. He nodded towards a couple of vendors he recognized, stopping to talk to the guards who were on duty today, from Earth, Athos and Sateda, with a trainee from Balar. It was a quiet day, despite how busy and bustling the south pier was. The small market was growing each week and he couldn’t believe everything that was happening, the number of people who had permanent stalls, each of them selling something unique and each of them sending the scientists in a tizzy over something new and exciting they would bring in. 

It always took twice as long for John to reach the control tower these days when he took the longer route, each person needing to stop and talk to him about something. Some days he wasn’t in the mood, but he and Rodney had had the day off yesterday and he was in a good mood. He felt rested and relaxed, body thrumming with the energy of the city. It was hard to believe what had been accomplished in two years, harder to believe they weren’t even close to being done. 

The wraith were mostly gone, the last pockets holding out and not as much of a worry as they had been before. They were building their own ships with aid from the Travelers, who were learning more about their own ships and how to improve them as they went. The Coalition was holding strong, the members growing each week, a galaxy wide parliament and Woolsey was the head of all of them, by popular vote much to the annoyance of the original council. 

Life was good, and John couldn’t help the smile on his face as he walked up the stairs to check in with Chuck and Amelia for the day. 

“How you feeling?” he asked, handing over the candies to the heavily pregnant Banks. “Killed Ronon yet?” 

“I’m fine sir,” she said taking them gratefully. “Ronon decided to rebuild the crib yesterday so he might go missing soon.”

“Well it’s his first kid, he’s a bit nervous.”

“It’ll be his last as well if he keeps it up,” Banks said, a dark look on her face as she munched on one of the sugar and syrup crusted nuts. 

John winced and made a mental note to have Ronon train more with people, to try and keep his mind of off things. Leaving Amelia to her job, he headed over to where Chuck was, taking the tablet and beginning to read over everything he had missed yesterday.

“AR-19 okay?” he asked seeing they had called for medical. 

“Jinto dropped a stone on his foot, broke most of the bones in it,” Chuck explained. “It was a stone from the Ancient temple Dr. Le was investigating so there might have been some punches thrown, but no one is talking. Officially the black eyes are from branches in the very heavy forest.”

“Wasn’t the temple on the plains?”

“Yep.”

“Huh.” John made a note to keep an eye on that group. They were newer and were still finding their feet and their rhythm. 

“When are Lorne and Parrish due back?” he asked, looking up at Chuck. 

It had been two weeks since they had gone on their honeymoon and John was almost desperate to get his second in command back. Juggling the ever-expanding military and gate teams was proving more than he could handle, and with Ronon freaking out over Amelia’s pregnancy John had been left to fend for himself. It made him most thankful that Rodney had split up those duties two years ago. He didn’t know if he could have handled the both of them together.

“They’re due back later this evening,” Chuck replied.

“Thank God,” he muttered under his breath. “Thanks Chuck.”

Reading over the reports that had been sent in, and Christ how was it they doubled even though he had finished most of them before his day off, he made his way to the conference room and dropped into a chair, reading as he waited for Rodney to get there to start their catch up for the morning. 

He didn’t have to wait long, the brisk clip of Rodney’s boots a familiar sound, as was the muttering under his breath. John looked up and smiled as Rodney walked into the room, familiar scowl on his face, two cups of coffee in his hands and his tablet under his arm.

“I’m traumatized,” Rodney announced, dropping into the seat next to, and handed over one of the cups, his leg pressing against John’s.

“Oh?” John asked, saving his work and leaning back, both hands wrapped around the mug.

“Bates and Larrin, again.”

John winced. “Fighting or fucking?”

“Is there a difference between them?” Rodney asked exasperated. “Just fighting, but the looks, I’m sure it was about to turn into the other.”

“One of these days they’ll figure it out.”

“If that day could be today, I would be most thankful, I’ll give Bates the week off and send a fruit basket.”

“Should let him know that, maybe he’ll take you up on it.”

“And pigs will fly.”

Rodney muttered something under his breath and turned his tablet on. “Let’s make this quick yeah?” he asked.

John pictured the amount of work he needed to catch up on and groaned. “Do we have too? We could be doing this and still be in bed you know.”

“You know the rules General, no work in the apartment. Lorne’s back tonight, it’ll be better in a couple days,” Rodney said unsympathetically, not looking up from his tablet. Considering he had been shouldering Parrish’s work load, and was about to take on both Zelenka’s and Miko’s once they left on their honeymoon in a few weeks, John really couldn’t blame him. “Carson is switching out with Biro next week at the and Cadman wants to go with him, apparently they’re working things out and she thinks it’ll be nice to see him teaching instead of covered in blood.”

“I don’t see a problem with that,” John said annoyed that he couldn’t go back to bed, but he pulled up his own files and read quickly. “Her team is on standby, Teldy, Porter and Mehra are still bright pink from that pit they fell into on P98-3F4 and Carson doesn’t want them going on missions until its gone.”

John saw Rodney grin at the mention and he fought his own one as well. The sight of Captain Mehra bright pink was something that had amused anyone who had known her. Not that anyone was brave enough to say it to her face, even John was wary. Commanding officer or not, she had a mean right hook.

“Alright Cadman gets her two-week date,” Rodney said making a note on his tablet. “Maybe this time it won’t end with Carson crying.”

“While they’re on stand-down I want Teldy and Mehra working with Security. It’ll be good for them to practice against something distracting,” John said making a note in his own tablet. 

Rodney just hummed, only half paying attention. It was one of the nice things John supposed, Rodney was content to let him Lorne and Ronon run the military side, trusting them to do the right thing. The lack of overview made it easier, although for all of his supposed inattention, John knew if Rodney had a problem they would know about it. 

“Woolsey’s scheduled to dial in tomorrow,” Rodney said after a couple seconds of them typing away. “I think he’s going to ask to stay there permanently, I think he has a crush on Luenah.”

“Who’s Luenah?” 

“One of the Satedan survivors, she was a teacher or something and now she’s one of the Parliament archivists or something.”

“Ohhhhhhh,” John drawled out, grinning when he saw the same look on Rodney’s face. “What does Ronon think?”

“Apparently, she was one of Ronon’s teachers and doesn’t like to think about it,” Rodney replied.

“Going to keep asking?”

“Oh hell yes.”

“He’s pretty stressed with the baby due, might want to wait a little bit.”

Rodney opened his mouth and then closed it again a look of consternation on his face. “Perhaps,” he conceded. 

“Perhaps if you made sure you had time to get to a transport—”

“—unscheduled off world activation.”

Chucks voice rang through the gate room and John and Rodney frowned at each other, both of them standing up and walking to the conference door as the worm hole materialized. Teyla seemed to appear out of nowhere, one hand on her rounding belly. 

“Who—” she started to be cut off by Rodney.

“Anything important?” Rodney asked, looking at the two gate techs.

Chuck was silent for a moment before turning to look at them. “It’s Earth.”

John felt a stab of worry. “Shields up,” he said instantly.

To her credit, Banks didn’t question, the shield going up a second later. He could feel Rodney looking at him and he gave a little shrug. He didn’t know what the problem was, or why they had finally called. He wasn’t about to risk Atlantis.

“Radio transmission sirs,” Chuck said and Rodney walked over, John on his heels as Chuck began to play it.

“Greetings Atlantis, this is General O’Neill, anyone home?”

John and Rodney exchanged looks before John gestured for Rodney to take it. Tapping the radio transmitter, Rodney crossed his arms, tense lines all over his body.

“General, nice to hear from you maybe.”

“McKay! You guys up to receive video transmission?”

“Yes,” Rodney said slowly, walking over to where the screen was, waiting for Amelia to set it up. 

John came over and stood next to Rodney, arms crossed over his chest, shoulders pressed against each other. He was as worried as the other man, wondering why now they were calling, was it good or bad, and if the shield up had been a good idea or paranoid. John hoped he was just being paranoid. The screen changed, resolving into O’Neill standing there, Carter by his side, both of them looking fine. 

“Gotten married yet?” Rodney asked bluntly.

Carter turned bright red, hiding her face behind her hands, a ring obvious on her finger.

“Glad to see you’re still an ass McKay.” O’Neill mattered. 

“You have to be, to survive in Pegasus,” Rodney said unashamed. “How’s Earth?”

The question was wary, and John could feel the tension in the room. 

“Oh you know, same old same old. People know things, it’s horrible,” O’Neill said in his usual bland tone. “Worlds not as bad, even have a colony project about to start in a few years or so.”

“So why are you calling?”

“Well...what is your title now?” O’Neill asked looking between the two of them. 

“Dr. McKay”

“Commander McKay.”

John grinned at the glare Rodney shot him. “We’re trying to get Commander to stick, but he hates it. Director got changed to Dictator too much.”

“Well then,” O’Neill started slowly, the same shit eating grin John had seen a couple times curling the edges of his lips, “ _Commander_ McKay, as the UN appointed head of Stargate Operations then I am formally tasked with opening up negotiations with Atlantis and any of her allies who wish to join. I am sure there is much we can learn from each other.”

Rodney grinned, almost blinding with the sudden joy and relief that seemed to cross his face and John felt the same relief course through him as well. Negotiations. It was just a start and it might not work, but the fact that it had been offered was something. 

“Myself, and the fifty or so members of the Coalition are glad to hear that. I have a bunch of coffee addicts in the labs who might shoot me if I don’t anyway. I can put you through to Ambassador Emmagan so her and her team can begin them.” 

Teyla stepped up next to them and smiled. “It is good to see you both,” she said. The years had been kinder to her, and John thought it was the lack of stress due to her children not having to worry about the wraith. And possibly the thought of having a child in a medical bay with actual doctors instead of a wraith ship and Rodney. 

“You don’t deal with the negotiations?” Carter spoke up.

Rodney curled his lip up. “No one wants me in charge of them, apparently I’m demanding and mean.”

O’Neill made a face like he agreed. There was silent for a moment as the two groups looked at each other. John knew he and Rodney looked older. Rodney had been annoyed when he had found out John had lied about his hair in the future, but the relief had overpowered that and for now his hair was steadfastly remaining dark brown, while Johns was almost more salt than pepper at this point. They had more wrinkles and it hadn’t been an easy two years, but John wouldn’t trade it for the world.

“It’s good to see you General,” Rodney said into the silence, his words sincere and filled with relief. John knew it had been bugging him, despite repeated assurances everyone had known the cost. Pegasus was home, but Earth held so much of their families and their history and while they knew what they were giving up, they also hoped for the chance to talk to them again.

O’Neill was silent for a moment before he nodded. “You too Doctor,” he said more respect in his voice than John had thought would be possible.

John didn’t think they would ever be friends, but he could see a lot of respect between the two of them. “Allow me to talk to Teyla and whoever else, and we can get this ball rolling. If you also open up a data connection, I am sure there’s a bunch of emails to go through.”

Rodney nodded and instructed Amelia to open it up, putting it on a secure server without even being told. Atlantis weeded out incompetence like nothing else. John could see O’Neill stepping to the side and starting to talk, Teyla’s voice coming from somewhere behind them, no doubt starting the negotiations, or the opening salvo of them. 

“Hey McKay,” Carter said after a second more of silence. It was like talking to an ex that had had a slightly bad breakup. Awkward and out of sorts. 

“Hey Sam,” Rodney said, waving a hand in hello. John ignored the flash of jealousy, he knew Rodney loved him. He knew they had a good life, but he also knew he could be petty and worry sometimes. He also knew he was being stupid, and if the press of Rodney’s shoulder against him was any indication, Rodney knew it as well. 

“Sooo, fun fact,” Carter started, missing their exchanged. “We’ve been slowly releasing all the papers we have in increments, so as not to overwhelm the public. There’s a lot of interview requests and awards for a lot of your people.”

Rodney beamed at that, pride at his people and no doubt himself. “Good to hear people are being smart. Send me a list and I’ll pass it along. We can set up interviews at some point on our side, it won’t tax us as much.”

The hint was subtle but John could see that Sam got it if the widening of her eyes was any indication. It had been the icing on the cake of the whole thing. It had taken Rodney and Radek a couple months, but they had finally figured out ZPM’s. Apparently, the holdup had been tracking the Ancients movements from when they had taken over back in their third year, but once they had figured out where they had gone while they were in control, they had been able to find where they made the ZPM’s. Now, they had a full complement and were able to make more as needed. Not that most people knew that. But Rodney, and John by association, trusted Sam. 

Carter was quiet for a few moments, before a small smile crossed her face. “Good, good. Glad to hear that,” she said. “We’ve got some stuff we’d like you to look over, if you have the time.”

A wealth of knowledge was in those words and John wondered if they were close to figuring out another step in their process. The offer also made him relax, made it sound like they would potentially get the chance to go home at some point in his future. He wondered what Dave thought, if Dave knew where his little brother was. If his nieces knew him at all or if Dave just thought he had disappeared again. 

Rodney nodded after a second. “Send it over and I’ll look at it.”

“Jeannie’s been blowing up anyone she can get a hold of, including anyone at the UN she can get a hold of,” Sam said after a few more seconds. “She’s pissed at you, so I expect you’ll have a bunch of irate emails.”

Rodney winced and John didn’t blame him, the only thing that could stop a raging McKay was vindication. And Jeannie was no different, worse somehow. 

“We’re under UN jurisdiction now, completely international and as transparent as we can get and protect people as needed. Daniel’s over the moon, and you’d be proud of how smug he is when he’s talking to his colleagues.” 

John listened, surprised at how well things seemed to have turned out. Rodney’s face seemed to mirror his surprised and Sam caught it, her face darkening.

“It’s not all good news,” she said softly. “The IOA trials just finished, its why we were finally able to get around to contacting you. China, Russia, they’re in big shit and its tense, but it’s hard to call it a cold war now that everyone knows about the big bad aliens. The Lucian Alliance is still causing trouble and now people know. We’ve had a couple attacks. It’s nice not having to worry about it, but it does cause a lot of panic. Worldwide there’s been riots and a couple of mass suicides, a lot of smaller ones. It’s not…unexpected but it’s still hard.”

John wasn’t surprised. The universe was a much bigger place and he could remember how numb he felt when he had found out that they weren’t alone. And that there was so much more than he had ever imagined going on. 

Sam was quiet for a moment and John didn’t know what to say, and from the awkward look on Rodney’s face he didn’t know either. I’m sorry wasn’t enough to cut it. Taking a deep breath, she continued. 

“The gates still in Colorado and that’s causing problems. They want to move it; a lot of people are claiming too much American overview. The British and French both want it in their countries, but it just changes the problem.”

“Antarctica?” Rodney asks once Sam trails off.

“That’s the thought, it’s just not the best place.”

“Understatement of the year,” John said dryly. “It wasn’t that bad, ice and snow and no one shooting at me.”

Rodney muttered weirdo under his breath so only John could hear it and he bumped Rodney’s shoulder with his. 

Sam grimaced and nodded her head. “The other problem is that the mountain is all things considered, pretty safe. We’ve dealt with a lot and so we have protocols in place. Not to mention it’ll take time to set up. The UN is stationed here right now, but that has a whole other host of problems in case we have a foothold situation.”

John could sympathize. Atlantis had protocols in place for a localized shield they had found when the third ZPM was up and running and it had saved them the two times the Wraith had managed to get people into Atlantis. It had saved a lot of lives, and he was thankful for it. He just wished they had had it before.

A beep to his side caught his attention and he saw the five-minute count down warning for the gate and he looked back at Carter.

“Times up,” he said unnecessarily as Teyla stepped up next to him and O’Neill came back into view.

“Well kids, you’ll call us, it’ll be a party,” O’Neill said clapping his hands together. 

Rodney waved a hand, waggling his fingers in goodbye. “Yes yes, it was good seeing you, make sure all the information you want us to see is ready and I’ll look over it next time.”

Carter raises a hand in goodbye and O’Neill grinned, the sort of grin John remembered right before he would drop a bomb into their laps. It made him stand up a bit straighter, his eyes narrowed as the timer counted down. 

Suddenly Jackson came into view, looking up at the video screen. “Oh hey, congrats on the Nobel McKay.”

The gate shut down at the instant and the room fell silent. John blinked and looked towards Rodney who was gaping at the screen, speechless. 

“What!” Rodney’s voice echoed through the room. “That…that! Asshole! How dare he just…right as the gate…in what? What for? We had the whole window and they didn’t…what the fuck.” he said sounding more flustered and indignant as time went on and John watched as Rodney shut down suddenly, eyes wide and staring off into the distance as if everything had suddenly stopped computing. 

He looked over at Teyla, both of them grinning. It had been an asshole move and he appreciated it. Telling Rodney that—

“Oh fuck,” he said as it finally computed for him as well, moving to wrap his arms around Rodney. “Holy shit,” he said pulling him into a hug, feeling Teyla’s arms wrap around them a second later, her stomach pressing against his side. 

“Oh fuck,” Rodney repeated, almost trembling as he looked at John. “Oh, holy fuck.”

It seemed like it was finally settling in and John grinned and kissed Rodney quickly, pulling back only to be pulled back into another kiss, and then he was wrapped up as a fourth pair of arms wrapped around them, Ronon finally joining the party. 

—

Later that night when he was sitting on the couch, Rodney’s head in his lap, half asleep after a day of over excitement. John had tried to do work, but no on had really been in the mood, not after the news had spread. Shifting the tablet so the light wouldn’t hit Rodney’s face, he pulled up his emails from the data dump, grimacing at the thousands that seemed to be sitting there. Most of them he didn’t recognize and he wished he could just delete them all, but some of them might actually contain something important. 

The one at the top with the large READ ME – GENERAL O’NEILL as the subject line grabbed his attention and he opened it to view a shot of the newspaper article announcing the Nobel Awards.

“The Nobel Peace Prize is to be awarded to Dr. Meredith R. McKay. Dr. McKay’s actions in removing the City of Atlantis from a hostile situation without loss of life has been deemed essential towards preserving peace on Earth. Furthermore, through his actions, the Stargate Program was declassified and as a result, Earth has made astounding leaps forwards in all sciences, the results of which have started the process towards a world peace on Earth that is unprecedented.”

John started laughing before he got through the first paragraph, doing his best to keep quiet but he knew it wasn’t going to happen. He could hear himself, the loud hitching laughter that only made him laugh harder and harder. He felt Rodney start and almost fall off the couch, loud demands over what was so funny starting up a second later. He managed to hand over the tablet as he fought to get himself under control.

“What?” Rodney demanded after a second, looking confused. 

“You,” John managed to get out before the laughter over took him again

“It’s funny I won?” 

Rodney sounded offended and hurt and that was enough to sober John up for the moment. He reached forward and tugged Rodney closer, kissing him three times, each one lingering a little bit longer than before, laughing into the kisses.

“The peace prize McKay, you. You got the peace prize,” he said, trying to get Rodney to understand. “You are the least peaceful person I know.”

Rodney started at him for a couple of seconds before the corner of his mouth twitched up. “It’s not so unbelievable,” he said, but even he sounded amused now. “I can be peaceful.”

John snorted, picturing the looks on faces when they would make the announcement tomorrow. Rodney was many things, but someone they considered peaceful was not one of them.

“You’re a dick,” Rodney said, the grin that was stretching across his face belying his words. “Such a dick.”

John just kept on laughing, unable to stop as Rodney pressed him back against the couch arm and tried to kiss him quiet.


End file.
